New LBS dealing with WW

[LH19]

I get that is is a marathon. I get it. I don't feel like I have much time. D has been filed.

Joe,

D takes along time. Mine is 9 months and counting. Stop and take a deep breath. Right now you really can't do anything to make it better you can only make it worse.

[sandi2]

I told her that she was right, but I'm not doing it for her I'm doing it for myself.

You picked up that ^^^^^^ statement from the board. It was for your ears only, not hers. Do not repeat things you get from the board, unless you are specifically told to say it.

You asked earlier about MLC and waywardness. Below is the answer I gave to another poster who was asking about the differences:


You may have read how MLC is the result of a person transitioning from the younger side of life, into middle age.....and for various reasons they strongly resist it to the point of creating a mess of their life and the lives of their spouse and kids. From what I have gleaned from the years I've been here, is how certain things can happen that seem to trigger the MLC. So, I think it can be more complicated than just transitioning into middle age. The person in MLC may be angry at everyone around them, or angry at life for cheating them in some way. I won't get off into all of it, b/c it is too much. Another thing that is discouraging about MLC, is can last for several years.

The wayward wife can be any age, and she's not in transition. Where MLC may appear to show up overnight, I think waywardness happens covertly, so appears to be at a slower rate.....until she hits overt rebellion. She has a lot of anger, too, but her anger is directed toward her H. She blames him for everything bad, and nothing good happen for her....and he's why she is not happy. Her waywardness is born out of her heart when she allows resentment toward her H to take root. She doesn't forgive and she doesn't forget. She holds on to that resentment and she usually feeds it. She feels disrespect in her heart for her H. She begins to show her resentment and disrespect in subtle ways, at first, and as it builds momentum.....she dares to feel rebellion toward her M and her H. The rebellion is usually seen in her growing inappropriate behavior. Waywardness is a defiant, bitter, selfish, and hardened heart......directed toward her spouse. The disrespect she feels for her spouse affects her loving feelings. In most cases that I've read, the WW creates a fantasy in her head that propels her EA/PA/IA.

There is more than we could hope to cover in a few posts, about the WW and MLCW. Knowing your W's past, her parents, life changing experiences, and former long-term R's.......might enlighten you, if you suspect MLC. Your marital history, the dynamics of the MR, and her temperament/attitude toward you.....might help you decide if she fits the description of a WW. Sometimes, it takes learning more information on the subject, and a lot of personal and honest Q & A about your W and your MR, in order to know the basis or source of the problems.


As for the subject of a WW vs a WAW........it has nothing to do about whether or not she physically walks away from the M and home. Actually, MWD does not separate WW from the WAW in her DB/DR books. Although I was not the first to use the term, I began using "wayward" as a way to identify a specific type that, IMHO, was much more common on the board, than the WAW. For years, I saw a distinct difference in the wayward wife from the DB/DR textbook walk-away wife. And also, the board was seeing women leave their H's b/c of his abuse (or other factors, such as no income, inappropriate activities, imprisonment, drugs, etc.). They had to leave as a way to survive, or b/c they chose not to participate in his sort of lifestyle. These wives did not leave b/c they had a hidden agenda. There were no OM, secret A, or desire for Girls Gone Wild activities. There were no big changes in their behavior. And, their decision to leave was not based on selfish motives.

If you look up the definition of "wayward", it gives a clear description of a wayward wife. Go ahead.........look it up. . I'm sure you must agree that the heart of a wayward wife and that of a WAW are quite different. But that is just MHO.

[Joe2017]

Thank you Sandi, thank you.

[Joe2017]

D day is coming. I have confirmation of EA with pending PA. She admitted it. I can't legally make her leave the marital home, but I can leave for the weekends sometimes and force her to her parent her son. She needs reminders of what I provide in our family, but I really just need the time away from her. Plus, I had a blast with my boy over the past weekend without her around. I want more good times for him during this rough season.

I think today I have started to really embrace the need for me to get this D done and out of the way.

I don't care if I speed it up or whatever. This is going to take months so we are stuck with each other due to logistics anyhow. I'm not moving out, but if she does then great.

I hereby vow to treat her like a neighbor passing on the street from now on. I will be friendly but not friends, I will be kind but not caring, I will be understanding but not supportive. I am going to GAL like I'm single and parent my boy like Dad of the Year.

It's taking me time to go through the grieving process but I'm getting there. Thanks for being my sounding board everyone.

[joejoe1]

Joe,

That's great to hear to with so much confidence. You son absolutely needs to see his father strong and confident.

I think kind and caring go hand and hand. So you can still be caring but not run behind her Every time she needs help. I will give you an example. Since I have been on here some WWs have had to go to the hospital. If your W needs to go to the hospital, pls take her. On the other hand if she needs help with things she can do on her own let her.

IMO not being supportive will come off like you being a jerk. You can be supportive and not pursue and give off you being up her butt. For example,she says she's going to the gym and has been toning up. You can say looks like you been putting in some hard work at the gym. Or she wants to go back to school, you can say, you will do good when you go back to school.

It's detaching lovingly.

[Joe2017]

Got it. Thanks JoeJoe. I'm on the right track then, I think.

One day at a time.

WW had an EA but when it got to PA level she couldn't follow through with it. This happened while I was away for the weekend with my kid. I'm sure this would have happened even if I were home for the weekend right? I'm sure the next step is PA so I'm treating it mentally as a PA. It [censored] but it is what it is.

She found out I moved money and now she is pissed. But it's a divorce, what do you expect? She wasn't expecting that I guess, even though she did it first.

It's taking everything I have not to text her an "I love you!" or a "How's your day?" text. I miss her so so much. I'm having a hard time. I've kept radio silence for two weeks now, but today is killing me.

Oh man.



It really hurts being replaced in your wife's life. I'm not having a good day.

[MoveFrwd]

I think today I have started to really embrace the need for me to get this D done and out of the way.

Joe -

You talk a LOT about divorce and when it's getting done. And from the looks of it, it seems like you are helping speed it along by pushing to split assets and such.

I ask you to take a step back a little bit.

Have you read DR? If so, have you actually gone through and set goals? How does pushing towards this divorce mesh with the things you are trying to accomplish overall?

[Subitai]

Joe, that sounds like a rough, rough day. My first marriage ended from an EA (possible PA) and that was a devastating thing to live through. It eventually gets better. Make sure you have some support face-to-face as well as on the forums when it gets bad.

[MoveFrwd]

I get that is is a marathon. I get it. I don't feel like I have much time. D has been filed.

Joe,

D takes along time. Mine is 9 months and counting. Stop and take a deep breath. Right now you really can't do anything to make it better you can only make it worse.

Also, there are no rules that say you cant remarry after you are divorced.

One thing that helped me put my divorce into perspective was understanding that the actual act of divorce was only a piece of paper. All it does is report the status of my relationship to the government.

On BD, my ex ended the relationship. I didnt 'run out of time' when the paperwork was finally signed several months later.

You have nothing but time. Ultimately, you get to decide when the relationship is over for you.

[MoveFrwd]

WW wanted to talk.

We had a very frank and open discussion about how I'm moving on even though we both are moving forward with D. I made it clear I'm not holding out for her but I understand all the things she is going through. I reassured her that I know how hard things are for her. How I accept the divorce and I forgive her for anything. I reaffirmed my stance on the D, but that I will not stop it if it is what she really wants.

Its odd to me that W wanted to talk and then you reported on only things that you said. In my opinion, if you are going to talk, she should be doing 70-80% of the talking while you listen.