New LBS dealing with WW

[Maika]

Don't worry about standing up for your boundaries. She will lash out as you are showing control and not letting her walk all over you. Keep that up! You need to gain your respect back from her. Without that, she will never find you attractive in the future.

Also, DO NOT put your focus on RECON!!!! Let that go! You don't know what will happen. And this is a looooooooooooong road ahead. Don't short circuit your personal growth by focusing on recon. It's a fools errand.

Your FULL FOCUS is only on you and your kids! That's it.

[Joe2017]

Maika, I see your point in focusing on recon. I guess my goal is recon and everything else is my attempt to achieve that. I do see where you're going with this though. My goal should be to better myself, with or without her.

I feel like these days are dragging on, and no matter what I occupy myself with, the D is still hovering. No matter here you go, there you are, I suppose.

I'm so tired.

[TBSakaJ9]

J2017.....your tired because you haven't let go. My W told me she wanted a D 6 months ago and still has not filed. If you don't let go emotionally it will eat you alive.

M is right....don't even think about recon. Think about yourself.

[Joe2017]

Easier said than done my friends. However I am close. Very very close to becoming ambivalent.

[TBSakaJ9]

Oh it's hard as hell but the longer you hang on the longer it delays your chances of recon.

[Maika]

Oh yeh! Trust me, everyone here knows it's hard. But I can tell you when you do let go, the other side of the tunnel is brighter. you will feel a load off your shoulders and will be able to relax and think in a calm cool manner.

AnotherStander had posted on my thread a while back about the LBS and WAW/WW fog and how they are diametrically opposed. The LBS is in this fog where they think everything is their fault and they are dead set on doing everything for recon. Once that fog goes, the LBS can see much clearly that they weren't the only one at fault and can look at their MR objectively, and ask the question - what does she bring to the MR? Is that what I need and want?

You can't get there until you let go of the hopes for recon and start focusing on yourself. I am not saying abandon all hope, but just tuck it away in a lock box in a deep corner of your heart. We all have. Otherwise all of us would've just filed for D and moved on with life. But we're here trying to save ourselves and hope that the MR can be saved along the way. But if the MR doesn't get saved, you have risen out of the ashes like a phoenix and are stronger.

Think about what Joe2017 version 2.0 is going to look like. And work like hell to get there. Only a fool would want to leave that Joe. And the best part is, you can do it as many many many folks here have.

[LH19]

I am scared that our argument this morning is a major setback. I am just standing up for myself and not being Mr Nice Guy. The minute she didn't get everything she wanted she lashed out at me.

Easy big fella. You stood up to her and it felt fuching great didn't it? Now after thinking about it you're afraid there will be repercussions. That's normal.

The truth is there will not. She has already made up her mind to D you. The strong moves will get her thinking wait a minute who is this guy standing up to me?

The weak moves will be when she really says "see this is why I am divorcing him, if he can't stand up for himself how is he going to lead and protect the family"?

Good job Joe! Just know you need to fasten your seat belt because you are about to begin a long, long journey through h$ll. Only the strong survive!

[Joe2017]

Thanks guys. It did not feel good pissing her off but it did feel good standing my ground.

I want to take my son and spend the majority of weekends away from the house away from her and her boy. We will come back for the school week. Would there be any negative repercussions from this? This is to get space away from her, but still give the kids time together and a normal schedule (school, scouting, sports, friends, etc).

[Jim1234]

I am scared that our argument this morning is a major setback. I am just standing up for myself and not being Mr Nice Guy. The minute she didn't get everything she wanted she lashed out at me.

I'm trying to focus all of my efforts on recon, so this argument probably slowed that process. And that hurts.

It's not a setback. It's a move forward for both of you. You get to stand up for yourself, and she gets to see what life will be like without you. Lashing out at you is her attempt to keep you feeling guilty.

It's counterintuitive, but the harder you try, the worse your results are going to be. Let it go.

[sandi2]

I am scared that our argument this morning is a major setback.

Your W not getting her way is not what causes major setbacks. Enabling her to continue disrespecting you is what causes setbacks.

Your body & mind is going to run out of fuel b/c you are living in fear. You fear she won't reconcile. You fear she'll D you. You fear she will have a PA.

It is good that you are seeing how jumping through rings of fire does not win the heart of your W. She is not the prize. Maybe you need to adjust that mindset just a little. Why not consider yourself as the prize? Have you forgotten how valuable you are and that a lot of women would love to have a man such as yourself? When you stop breaking your neck to convince your W to R........and focus on the man you want to be, then maybe she will see who is the real prize. In the current dynamic, she sees herself as the prize. She places herself higher than you. The more you try to appease a wayward/hard hearted W........the more she's convinced you are beneath her, and that kills attraction. She should be concerned she could lose you, not the other way around. Until that dynamic changes, you will be grabbing at anything that comes along, trying to persuade her to stay in the M.

I believe it is more effective to use the "let her go" method, and let her believe she is the one being dumped instead of her giving you the boot. I don 't mean you have to go file for a D, but to have the attitude you have dumped her. I say this from the VP of a woman......and former WW. If men would do this as soon as he gets the bomb, it would turn things around dramatically.

Here is an old post from PatientMan:

Originally Posted By: Bing
I've basically spent the last month begging or testing out hollow tactics to "snap her out of it." In short I've dug myself into a deep hole.

Learn the lesson now - and do not forget - that being fake will get you nowhere you want to be. Not just in this situation, but in life.

A tremendously important part of this journey is the self-evaluative process you undertake - putting in the time and effort to figure out who the man you want to be is, keeping the good traits, getting rid of or changing the bad traits, and understanding that no one...NO ONE has the power to change that person you are becoming. No matter how someone else acts, no matter what someone else says, YOU are going to be the man you are intended to be.

So no easing. Evaluate the situation. Determine the plan. Execute the plan.

That is an informed and intelligent approach. And it does not rely on feelings, but on truths and actions. Your feelings will lie to you. They will try to get you to do things your head knows is better. Never never never blindly follow your feelings.

Always be honorable. Always do the right thing. Become the man only a fool would leave. Be a leader. Be bold. Stand firm in your convictions.

-PM

And another post from long time DB member, Starsky:

There are some things in life that fall (at least in my idealistic/altruistic mind) under the "Things That Ought Not to Be So" category. A lot of basic male-female human dynamics fall into that file it seems.

I have long said on this forum that people would be very wise to study the cr*p out of these basic relationship and interpersonal dynamics, and LEARN. So much time and energy seems to get wasted on some basic version of "But it shouldn't BE that way!" angst on the part of the betrayed spouse, instead of just snapping into action and actually USING these dynamics IN THEIR OWN FAVOR.

Bottom line, supplication isn't attractive and it doesn't work. Men AND women both tend to value most that which is difficult to obtain.

I copied and pasted these two quotes b/c they can get the message across in such fewer words than I can. I hope they will be encouraging for you.