the realization that, though I loved her once more than I can describe, and still do love her, that maybe she is no longer a person who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And that makes me very, very sad, because she was such a good, sweet person, and still is, I think, deep down inside... but she could turn either way at this point, to dark (selfishness) or light (the person she was.) I don't know which way it's going to go, but now I may be in the weird position of stepping back, maybe even cutting the cord without her having even (AFAIK) resumed any contact with the OM.
Jim these recent contributions are hitting hard. I have recently mentioned in my own thread that I appear to be seeking ego boosts (I really like one of the D's class Moms). This is completely irrational but I am coming up to the first anniversary (not that I am going to signify it in any way - once again thanks to great advice here) and I am human. But any limerance I end up getting is going to be so counterproductive as I still cannot see any endgame in sight with my cake-eating W. My DD achieved a major milesone in church last night and I also confessed to the priest so I must keep the moral flag raised (I have to). With the holidays coming up I will also have to watch the drinking for obvious reasons. I am afaid that also due my job I am also extremely analytical!
best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
hoosjim--in the word of our good 8-legged friend Charlotte, "salutations!" my name is artista... i am a new poster... i am a former WW who is piecing with my husband--since March 2015... i have been following many threads hear on DB since February 2015... i would say that i have logged on every day--give or take 10--since then... one of the reasons i decided to finally participate is YOU... i see so much of myself in your wife... i feel like i can tell you exactly what she is thinking... exactly why she is doing what she is doing--and more so, why she isn't doing certain things...
however, as a stranger, i do not want to bombard you with my perceptions regarding your circumstances... but i do want to tell you that i can relate to your wife more than i can with any of the other WWs i have read about on these boards... and i have read about a lot of them in the last 21 months...
i wanted to get that out of the way before i make any comments regarding your sitch...
hoosjim- i feel like i can tell you exactly what she is thinking... exactly why she is doing what she is doing--and more so, why she isn't doing certain things.
OMG that is like gold around here. I can't and won't answer for Jim but can tell you that most all of us here place the first hand accounts of former WAW or WW at the front of the line.
Originally Posted By: anotherstander
If she starts acting up then guess what I do?
Starts acting up? Wow. That just caught my eye. Kids act up. Students act up. Even horses act up, but spouses?
Anyhow the actual reason for my post is this: earlier on in my M, before the BD and separation, and before I knew DB even existed, we had a "rough patch". It went on for near six months during which I'd say what we were doing was "piecing". As things got better my W still withheld sex and somewhat effection. Normally she wanted sex everyday. Now, however things were different. I don't know if she was punishing me, not sure or what. It just felt to me like piecing or that she was still not sure about staying in the M even though everything else had gotten much better. In hindsight I think she knew she coukd call the shots, so she dud just that. That continued until one night when she butt dialed me. Right or wrong I heard her out with a male co-worker. No lines were crossed between the two of them sexually but she had not so nice things to say about me and the M. After they parted it disconnected. Within a minute she calls me all cheerful, friendly, "how are you? I'm on my way home. How is your night going, etc." until I told her I had just heard everything. She was very embarrassed and apology filled. The odd thing about it and why I tell this story is that brought it all to a close. Right or wrong, our rough patch ended that night and she was fully back in the R. Of course 4 years or 3.5 years later she dropped the bomb and left.
A lot could be said on his I could have better handled my end but my point is, it just took the tabels turning like that to snap her. I don't know if this relates to your sitch or not but it feels similar to me. Perhaps had I gone dark, etc, that would have had the same effect? It just feels like my W knew she had the upper hand if you will. She had me so she didn't have to do anything. She then lost that at least in her mind with that accidental call and she could no longer hold out. It feels like that's what your W is doing. She knows she has you back. She knows she can do whatever she wants as long as OM is not contacted. She knows she doesn't have to kiss you. She doesn't want to either but knows she does not have to. When she got caught with OM she knew she had to change. Now she's back with the upper hand. I just wonder if that doesn't need to be changed.
Take what you can from that. I hope it helps.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
however, as a stranger, i do not want to bombard you with my perceptions regarding your circumstances... but i do want to tell you that i can relate to your wife more than i can with any of the other WWs i have read about on these boards... and i have read about a lot of them in the last 21 months...
Artista, I have to say that I have a reputation amongst some around here as being harder on the female posters than on the male ones. I don't know... I don't think its anything intentionally biased on my part, just happenstance based on small sample size. Or subconscious. Idunno. At any rate, I am striving very hard these days to be appreciative of everyone who takes the time to chime in, on their own valuable time, about what is without question the most important, and difficult, crisis i have ever faced in my life. So: Thank you for chiming in, and I second the DonH's sentiment above that the viewpoints of former WW's like you and Sandi that give us firsthand insight into the mysterious mindset of the fairer sex are worth their weight in gold. Please, by all means, share (or fire, or hit with a 2x4, or whatever :)) away!
And thanks again!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
She says she still gets that regret which she's always had (and which she has in fact told mme about in the past even as far back as when we were dating) that she feels like she wanted to be a free spirit and just get on a bus and head west or to joion the peace corps or something but she never did,
The reason I said she never wanted to marry, was deducted from the quote above. I did not mean it was a direct quote from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The reason I said she never wanted to marry, was deducted from the quote above. I did not mean it was a direct quote from her.
Yeah, I sort of deduced that (as I also posted in that post). My point was that the more revisionist/defensive/excuse-making me might have just "corrected" your statement without looking deeper to that implication.
She's actually said that to me before, or something similar, as far back as we were dating at first. She'd say-- "I don't know what I want to be... sometimes I think I'd just like to drop everything and go join the peace corps or hitchhike across the country or something" At that point I was dating her, head over heels and didn't want to lose her so I'd usually deflect to something else "you're doing so well in PT school" or "wouldn't you miss everyone around here" or the like, or just say nothing. Never really thought she was TOO serious about it.
She also has an image of herself, and even did pretty far back... again when we were dating, of being someone who never followed through with anything, particularly if it meant taking chances. She was recruited to play college basketball, then suffered a minor injury and illness her first year that were unrelated to the sport and never went back to it... though she says she easily could have. She never continued with trying to finish her Physical Therapist training/education (what she was doing when we met), either, and there are other things she cites... such as the wanting to go overseas and do mission or charity work.
Funny thing, I was worried about losing her back then but I probably could have gone with her had I been willing to drop everything in my own life (I was fresh out of grad school at the time), but that thought never even occurred to me for some reason... I just assumed she wanted to go off by herself-- which was a definite a possibility because at the time she was torn over our newly-formed relationship, a long-term relationship she was just getting out of, and the prospect of two or three other guys who were trying to ask her out. As she put it, she just wanted to be friendly and "hang out" (As she put it-- and we still joke about whether we were "dating" or "hanging out") but everyone wanted to get serious and be in love and she didn't know if she was ready for that. (Back then, she was probably what a lot of guys would call a "tease", even though that's not what she was about.) At any rate, in one of our MC sessions a few weeks back that came up again in the context of her wanderlust and the things she never did that she missed out on, and she said "well in all the times I said those things when we were dating [like wanting to go off and join the peace corps], how come you never said you'd come with me?"
Now of course, she is clearly saying "I don't see myself doing those things with you", so not much wiggle room for interpretation there... but it's interesting that she might have been open to me joining her way back then and it honestly never even occurred to me.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Not abusive, if that's what you mean. She is close with and still loves her parents, brother, and sis very much. Her upbringing was very,ummm, repressed(?) Strict catholic upbringing, alot of guilt for doing the wrong thing, almost puritanical to the point she was scared to date. "Good girls" didn't hold boys' hands or kiss them under the mistletoe (or ever). Alot of expectations, she feels, placed on her as the oldest to be a good example. Never had a drink until college, her first sex was also college and ended in a terminated pregnancy... very traumatic for her but she was afraid would devastate her folks to tell them. She still carries around that guilt. The whole puritanical view towards sexuality and even physical intimaCy was VERY contrary to "who she is", which is naturally very touchy, hands on demonstrative affection, even with guys she's just friends with and, with someone she's involved with, a VERY strong sexuality. Created alot of inner conflict for her growing up especially as a teen.
Last edited by Cadet; 12/06/1708:55 AM. Reason: fix quote
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
