AS, thanks. So I'm making all the same mistakes everyone else has made? I guess that's comforting. But seriously, what do you think I should be doing differently? Other than admitting that maybe I'm not as done as I tell myself?
LOL! Obviously I wasn't clear enough on what I was trying to convey All I meant was it takes us a long time to sort out our feelings, to get over BD and to move on. Usually we go through a stage where we -think- we're done but we're really not just yet. I think you're doing fine and I'm not saying to do anything differently, I'm just saying don't make any immediate decisions based on being "done" (like push through D) right now because I think you still need a few months before you know whether you really are done. If you consistently think you're done for 2 or 3 months and you never waver from that, well then I'd say you really are done. But if you keep going back and forth then you're not quite there yet.
As a side note, WAS's and LBS's both have this feeling that D will make them "feel differently" about things. Like if they're not sure, D will somehow bring them closure. But D doesn't work that way.
Thanks for the humor! Y'all really had me going this morning with all the Airplane references.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I'm just saying don't make any immediate decisions based on being "done" (like push through D) right now because I think you still need a few months before you know whether you really are done. If you consistently think you're done for 2 or 3 months and you never waver from that, well then I'd say you really are done. But if you keep going back and forth then you're not quite there yet.
Regarding making immediate decisions and pushing through the D, I don't think I have any choice on that front. STBXW is pushing the case through, full steam ahead, and wants to get things settled so she can move out ASAP, hopefully by the end of the year. We will have mediation soon, and I need to get legally aggressive in order to stand up for my rights and come out of this fairly. STBXW has no intention of playing fairly with assets and debts. It's lawyering time!
On a related note, I just found out how much STBXW has in her retirement accounts. HOLY CR@P is she $crewed!
I tried to give this MR a chance. I put in my time to (foolishly) win her back. I think I did everything I realistically should have to show her that I didn't want this D. Maybe that drove her away. But I know her. She'll live with this doubt for the rest of her life. She'll put on a happy face for everyone, and maybe even remarry. But when she's lying in bed at night and she can't sleep, the doubt will crush her. She'll probably never tell me. My time of doubting myself is over. Hers is just beginning.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
As a side note, WAS's and LBS's both have this feeling that D will make them "feel differently" about things. Like if they're not sure, D will somehow bring them closure. But D doesn't work that way.
Interesting. I know D won't solve the issues between us. But it will allow my guilty Catholic conscience to finally move on with my life. I won't be married in the eyes of God, and I'll feel free to pursue other R's, in due time. I'll still be a father, and I'll still have to set a good example for my boys. I have a lot of growing to do and I need to stop putting mental energy into this dead M (including the D).
I know it'll take me a while to heal and get over the D. I know I'll grieve and have some rough spots. I'll feel like an empty shell, and I'll have to re-discover who I am in order to refill myself. But for me, done means not trying to save things any more. I don't see myself looking back and saying, "I should have tried for longer."
But who knows? It's possible I'm fooling myself.
Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
LOL, re: my previous post.... guess I joined the bandwagon too late!
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
All I meant was it takes us a long time to sort out our feelings, to get over BD and to move on. Usually we go through a stage where we -think- we're done but we're really not just yet. I think you're doing fine and I'm not saying to do anything differently, I'm just saying don't make any immediate decisions based on being "done" (like push through D) right now because I think you still need a few months before you know whether you really are done. If you consistently think you're done for 2 or 3 months and you never waver from that, well then I'd say you really are done. But if you keep going back and forth then you're not quite there yet.
This was very timely for me, 'cause I have had trouble distancing myself from the MR and WAW, but recent events have me thinking "I'm done." I guess instead of calling my lawyer and pushing the divorce forward, I'll give it a little longer.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Jim, if your WAW is not pushing the D forward, I'd say give it some time. Wait until you're really ready. Be grateful you have the gift of time to really work this out for yourself.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Regarding making immediate decisions and pushing through the D, I don't think I have any choice on that front. STBXW is pushing the case through, full steam ahead, and wants to get things settled so she can move out ASAP, hopefully by the end of the year.
I wasn't saying you were pushing D through, I was just trying to give an example. I think a lot of times people make rash decisions based on the fact that they think they are done, things like push D through or start dating or burn bridges with their spouse. I'm just saying to anyone reading that once you think you're done, give yourself some more time to make sure you really are done.
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We will have mediation soon, and I need to get legally aggressive in order to stand up for my rights and come out of this fairly. STBXW has no intention of playing fairly with assets and debts. It's lawyering time!
Completely agree with you. Since she's pushing things through then you need to be prepared.
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On a related note, I just found out how much STBXW has in her retirement accounts. HOLY CR@P is she $crewed!
I'm not sure whether you mean she has a lot or hardly anything, LOL!
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I know it'll take me a while to heal and get over the D. I know I'll grieve and have some rough spots. I'll feel like an empty shell, and I'll have to re-discover who I am in order to refill myself.
You might be surprised. I think what we go through for the first 6 months after BD is the worst of it. After that we start the rebuilding process. Usually by the time most of us are facing D it's really just a formality. Granted D was nearly 2 years post BD for me, but after D I did not feel any differently other than just being relieved it was all over. I never had any rough spots or rediscovery needs after D.
Originally Posted By: Jim1234
This was very timely for me, 'cause I have had trouble distancing myself from the MR and WAW, but recent events have me thinking "I'm done." I guess instead of calling my lawyer and pushing the divorce forward, I'll give it a little longer.
Good! You've got plenty of time, just give yourself a little to really make sure you're ready.
It is a big building with patients but that not important right now.............