Chapter 5 - Turning over to a new page

[doodler]

bigybiz,

Yeah, I understand. It can feel like everything is coming at you all at once and then there's the fear of something happening that you haven't anticipated. Sensory overload.

[bigybiz]

OK - Need to start cutting off W from eating cake. Do I tell the kids that she won't be around much, or that I'll start dropping S11 off to her as opposed to her coming here etc. Or should I just start implementing the "cut off" and see if they respond?

[sandi2]

Though we had covered this. You don't have to tell the kids she won't be around as much. They're smart enough to figure it out. If you have to explain to S11 that he will spend time with mom away from your house.......then find, do it.

I think you are getting too stressed out about all of this b/c Biggy is trying to over think things. Keep it simple. She is dating (cough, cough) OM, so no more playing one big happy family together. See......simple.

Here's the thing, you have never gone through the detaching. That part has to come, Biggy, for your own sake. You have to let her go. Then, if one day she wants you back.......(not just the home/family life as a whole, but you as her H) you can face that bridge when you get there.

Don't threaten to beat up every guy she sees, sleeps with, or whatever. It just shows her how attached, controlling, and insecure you feel. You are separated! If that violates your moral/spiritual beliefs, then end it legally. Otherwise, you can't run off every man she decides to date.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for repeating this - of course we have covered it and I'm sure I will need to hear it again and again.

Your last line was so important to me. Thanks so much.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2 and all others.

I mentioned to a fellow DBer how I was upset that my kids didn't root for team family (thanks Doodler). He responded with - maybe they don't want her back.

Have you every heard of a case where kids (mine 11 - 21) don't want their mother back? D21 called her mother a quitter once (I'm not sure if she still feels that way). I see S11 doesn't respond to his mom's texts promptly or at any great length. I was surprised when I saw that. It made me think. I certainly understand they don't want the old drama back. I'm confident mine see the changes and work I'm doing. I just thought I'd throw that out there.

[neffer]

Once you said you were going to be the lighthouse. Well... your children are following your light. Be proud of them and keep detaching. Listen to Sandy. Take care and look for yourself! Have fun, enjoy your children, you are free to restart your life now.

[sandi2]

Have you every heard of a case where kids (mine 11 - 21) don't want their mother back

Sure, and it's usually kids around those age ranges. They are old enough to see the changes in their mom, and to understand how a third party is often involved. They see who left and broke apart their family. They don't like, nor approve, of this version of their mother. They will always have a child-parent love, but that doesn't mean they want to be around her during this time.

The youngest one may feel more of an emotional need for his mom, which is only natural. They all may have to deal with anger in their own way........just as you have to do. It's difficult for adults to find a way to channel anger, so imagine how it must be for kids.

[bigybiz]

Neffer:

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry that I'm not up to speed on your sitch. I'll stop my your thread soon. Yes, I think I'm doing a reasonable job being the lighthouse. Aside from a meltdown when I found out about the OM. I strive to be consistent and reliable for my kids. I fulfill all their physical needs, I provide/support their social and spiritual needs/activities. hope I'm meeting their emotional needs too.

I've been blessed that I'm living in the family home with all of my kids. I know so many of us have been "forced" out of their home, etc. My kids and I enjoying each other and they never mention their mom.

[bigybiz]

Sandi2:

Thanks for the bucket of cold water. It's hard to imagine that my kids wouldn't want mom home and/or us back together. This comes as I currently struggle with "I've had it with being Mr Mom." I also wonder if my kids think I'm an idiot for wanting W back. Clearly now that the OM is on the scene, they see mom in a different light. The kids aren't talking and I'm not asking.

I guess my GAL has slipped a little and most of my "projects" have been family related.

Time to kick start a little.

[sandi2]

I may have misunderstood your question about the kids wanting their mom back. We had been talking about her not going to the house for family times, like previously, so that's where my brain was. I tend to think it's natural for children (especially under age) to want their parents reunited......as long as there were no abuse issues, etc. However, reconciliation between the parents may not automatically resolve emotions left hanging with the kids.

IMHO, your family would definitely need family therapy before merging together again. Not b/c it is your family, necessarily, but any family with kids living at home and one of the parents has been living separately.

Can you see yourself approaching your boys and talking about why things will be changing for the time being (no invites to her to partake in family time at the home)? I mean, you could explain your position. If they want to talk about their feelings or ask questions, maybe they will open up, IDK.

I don't know how much you have discussed anything about the S with your kids. IMHO, kids grow up never understanding or knowing the truth of why some things took place in their lives, simply b/c the parents did not discuss it with them.