Fighting my way out of the dark Part 5

[LH19]

Holding,

I am confused. Let's say you feel like you are 25% to blame for the dead marriage and she is 75% to blame for the dead marriage.

Let's say she sees it as 75% you and 25% her.

What does it change? Either way aren't you still getting divorced? Why argue over something that is irrelevant at this point?

Why don't you be the bigger person and just agree you were both equally responsible for the falling apart of the marriage?

[TBSakaJ9]

I agree, no reason to argue. 25%, 50% or whatever I don't see it mattering in the grand scheme of things and just seems to be more counter-productive than productive. Just validate with how she feels and move on. Is any of this getting you closer to your goals?

[doodler]

Why don't you be the bigger person and just agree you were both equally responsible for the falling apart of the marriage?

LH19,

I'd swear that my XW and Holding's wife are the same person. Your post reminded me of the old saying, "You've mistaken my kindness for weakness." I suspect Holding's wife responds to kindness the same way my XW does; she'd use it against him at any opportunity. The only way I was able to get to place where I could interact reasonably with my XW was to SHOW her that if she started anything that she'd have to suffer through a sh*t storm from h3ll.

You wouldn't understand unless you've been through it; they live in a fantasy world that has it's own rules and morality. Everything becomes distorted and turned against the oppressor (i.e. the spouse and anyone else standing in the way). I'm a very laid-back kind of guy, but I got to the point where I realized that my XW would just take advantage of any shred of niceness that I'd extend to her. Maybe a better man could've done better with her, but I honestly don't think so.

[Holding]

LH and J9, I was about to type out a justification, but you know what? Y'all are right.

Arguing about the percentage was pointless. I got caught up in the moment.

J9, you asked about my goals. Well, one of my new goals is to not be afraid of STBXW and how she will inevitably rage as this M unravels. I try to stand my ground, but I realize that it does let her have some power over me in that she can get me to engage in an argument. I really just need to walk away.

This is so hard. I know one of my issues is emotional availability, but I can't work on that in this sitch. Dealing with her feels like it's turning me into Spock.

[sandi2]

I want to make sure I have this right. You are both living under the same roof. You have divided monthly expenses? Why is she mailing off the CC payments, if they affect your credit score?

She blamed me again for preventing her from moving out. I showed her where the door was and invited her to leave. She then asked why I wasn't the one to move out. I said since she wanted this D, she should be the one to leave. She said I was as much to blame for the death of the M as she was. I told her I had issues and things to account for, but they were not 50%. She got really mad that I refused to accept 50% and wanted to know how I could say that. I told her I wasn't going to help her beat the dead horse of the M any more

This has been talked to death, has it not? And, if this was said in the presence of S10, then shame of both adults. There is absolutely nothing positive that comes from this topic, so stop it......stop explaining to her......stop trying to convince or persuade her that you are right.......just stop.

She said she wouldn't, she wanted to know how I could possibly claim I didn't own 50% of the issues. So I went in my room and locked the door. I could hear her yell from the other room "So you're just going to run off and not talk to me, like you did for our whole M."

So, whenever a bully picks on S10, he will know to run hide in his room? Look, this action does nothing, and she stands outside screaming at you.

My next hurdle is Halloween itself. STBXW had agreed to give me separate time to trick or treat with S10 by myself (I really don't feel comfortable going with her extended family), so let's see if she still honors that. And then the next day she's having a knee operation that will leave her laid up in bed for a few days. MIL will be in the house to help care for her - she never asked me, not that I'm sure what kind of help I could be in this environment. I have nothing against her family, but I'm not sure what she's been telling them about me, and MIL might try to accuse me of something.

Don't assume anything about your in-laws. Be relaxed, polite, and Fonzie cool.

[TBSakaJ9]

I really just need to walk away.

Boom! IMO that is strength. Don't let her suck you in to an argument which she then spins it on you and makes you out to be the bad guy. I think it is a good opportunity to establish a boundary around. Let her know that if she wants to talk you will be all ears and validate like a champion. If she wants to approach you and yell, scream, etc. that this is not really a conversation and I will walk away. If/when she calms down and wants to discuss you will be all ears.

Don't take the bait, she [censored] you in and her mind it probably just continues to remind her in her head why she wants out. I would also say that if your arguing that probably means you still care.

[Holding]

Doodler's got my back! But seriously, I think he understands the dynamic here maybe better than I'm able to describe. My kindness would be used against me (she already tried to do that with the waiver of title). She'd soften me up, and then strike when it suits her.

The trick is, there are times when it's worth standing my ground, and times when it's worth walking away. Everyone here seems pretty divided on this. When does standing your ground switch into being dragged down to their level? If treating me with disrespect is a boundary for me, is walking away a sign of weakness?

[LH19]

If treating me with disrespect is a boundary for me, is walking away a sign of weakness?

To me it depends on how how you handle it.If she starts raising her voice to you and you look her in the eye and with a calm voice and say "W I will not continue to have the conversation with you if you don't lower you voice and communicate with me like an adult". If she refuses to then you can just walk away.

Now if you get angry or upset and run away and lock yourself in the bedroom. That makes you look weak. IMO.

[doodler]

When does standing your ground switch into being dragged down to their level? If treating me with disrespect is a boundary for me, is walking away a sign of weakness?

Holding,

Have you ever seen the look in someone's eyes when you know they've been pushed to the limit? You don't question them, because you know what's coming. They don't even have to say anything; their demeanor says it all. You need to be that person. No more fear; no more running away.

[Holding]

I want to make sure I have this right. You are both living under the same roof. You have divided monthly expenses? Why is she mailing off the CC payments, if they affect your credit score?

That's correct. She pays certain bills, and I pay others (especially the mortgage). This kind of mutually assured destruction has worked so far. The only way to really protect myself completely is for me to pay all bills and have her reimburse me. But I don't really want to be dependent on her paying me back. She's unreliable. If this goes on much longer, I might see about an alternate arrangement. I'm open to suggestions.

This has been talked to death, has it not? And, if this was said in the presence of S10, then shame of both adults. There is absolutely nothing positive that comes from this topic, so stop it......stop explaining to her......stop trying to convince or persuade her that you are right.......just stop.

This didn't occur in front of S10. He was in his room at this point. And I didn't try to explain it to her. I knew it was a pointless discussion. That's why I walked away. But I agree, in retrospect, it was a pointless line in the sand.

So, whenever a bully picks on S10, he will know to run hide in his room? Look, this action does nothing, and she stands outside screaming at you.

S10 was not in the room at this time (but he did come to my door after the argument was over). Should I have engaged her in the discussion of the percentages after all? How can I respond in a way that will show her I won't be screamed at, without engaging her further in the argument? Calm responses are really difficult after the discussion gets to this point. I'm honestly confused.

Don't assume anything about your in-laws. Be relaxed, polite, and Fonzie cool.

I'll try. Thanks Sandi.