H....you can stand you ground on what your issue is (for example not signing the papers) but not accept her yelling and screaming at you when she doesn't like it. IMO the two are mutually exclusive. Let her know it will no longer be tolerated, establish a boundary around it and what you will do if she chooses not to respect your boundary. That boundary could be that you will no longer stand there and listen to her spew.
IMO she wants to pick a fight and get a reaction out of you because maybe that is what you have always done? When this happens maybe it re-enforces in her mind why she wants to get a D?
Now if you get angry or upset and run away and lock yourself in the bedroom. That makes you look weak. IMO.
Well, I could feel myself getting emotional, and the talk was headed in a bad direction, so I decided to end the talk. I didn't "run away". I locked the door because her emotions were going over the top. Am I scared of her? Yes, in a way I'm afraid she'll assault me and then call the cops on me. I don't put anything past her at this point. Last night I actually slept with the door locked and a hunting knife nearby. There are guns in the house. Ain't marriage grand?
Originally Posted By: doodler
Have you ever seen the look in someone's eyes when you know they've been pushed to the limit? You don't question them, because you know what's coming. They don't even have to say anything; their demeanor says it all. You need to be that person. No more fear; no more running away.
Got it. Thanks. This is a big step for me.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
IMO she wants to pick a fight and get a reaction out of you because maybe that is what you have always done? When this happens maybe it re-enforces in her mind why she wants to get a D?
TBH, she has ALWAYS tried to get a reaction from me in our disagreements, and for the most part I didn't give in. So she's just trying more of the same. I do think she wants some emotional bursts from me, maybe not to justify her actions, but to feed her self-centered ego.
Really, she's just very spoiled and used to getting her way. Her episodes of acting out mostly coincide with when she doesn't get her way. They're temper tantrums.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Sounds like it H, I just wouldn't take the bait. Your better than that. I know your probably beat down and tired of it but I think it's time for you stand your ground, put in some boundaries and take control. I think once you let her know it will no longer be tolerated you might feel some of the perceived power shift.
When I first joined the board a read a lot of the following sitch from Robx who Sandi posted on quite a bit. It resignated to me because he had young children as well and a W that was disrespectful to him. Maybe you will find some useful information as I know I did.
Sorry to hear about your weekend challenges, that is particularly tough on S10, for his benefit the two of you should probably make an agreement not to discuss *anything* contentious in his presence. Having him bear witness to you two arguing is not going to be good for him if you two aren't productive arguers (i.e. calm and respectful)
If W is having a temper tantrum the "hierarchy of strength" is as follows:
1) Stay in her presence and maintain your composure. This is the hardest thing to do, therefore it takes the most strength. I heard a talk once where the person asked "if you were at a restaurant with your spouse and you wanted to make them instantly very angry, would you know what to do or say?" For most people the answer is "definitely" -- she knows what buttons to push. (The other half of that was "if you wanted to make them feel loved would you know what to do or say?" and that tends to be more elusive)
Staying in her presence doesn't mean you have to tolerate anything. You can just calmly repeat "I will not engage in conversation with you if you ________. If you want to discuss this calmly, I'm happy to talk to you." Lather, rinse, repeat.
2) Announce to her that you're going to leave the conversation and why (calmly). Then give her a chance to continue the conversation on your terms. If she doesn't abide by your boundaries, then you leave, and explain that you told her what you needed, she didn't do it, and now you're leaving the conversation.
3) Explain to her that you're going to leave the conversation, but don't give her a chance to correct her behavior, just leave.
4) Leave the conversation without explaining to her why you're doing it.
5) Let her get your emotions up and lose your temper.
Evaluate where you are on the spectrum -- if you're at 3 or 4, don't try to just shoot for 1 because chances are you won't be able to do it. Just try to go one notch up the scale until that feels comfortable, and then try to go one more notch up. Be patient with yourself, changing behavior is very hard and takes time and repetition, but eventually it becomes automatic.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Great info, Acc! Thanks! I bounce between 2 and 3. I'll focus more on being a strong 2. When it comes to 1, well, that'll take a lot of work. Sometimes she will just not SHUT THE HELL UP.
J9, I am putting in boundaries, but it's hard. Thanks for the link on Robx's thread. It's hard to tell if the guy ended up recon'ing his M or went through with the D. Do you know?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
She wanted to talk to me in what was our bedroom, she closed the door behind her, I was just standing in front of her and she started crying. She misses me, she loves me, she wants to come back, she is sorry for everything she has done, she knows she caused the bulk of the problems, she wasn't "well" (referring to some depression she was dealing with and still is), asks me if I still love her.
10.19.2010
Originally Posted By: Robx
Fast forward to today, we see each other regularly, we date, I will not become Mr.Wussy man ever gain, a trip is being planned for the winter months, somewhere hot/tropical and I'm being treated (another new experience), we go to marriage counseling, my wife pays for it (and it isn't cheap), she says it's a worthwhile investment in someone she loves and doesn't mind paying for it (which is good to hear), she painfully admitted the truth of what she had done (re: affairs) to her parents and that started a slew of other issues, she ended up staying with some other family the weekend she told them the truth because they kicked her out of their home (that was unexpected).
Well in the end it seemed that Robx had the final day on the relationship. What he did with it, we'll probably never know...
M:46 WXW:40 T:20 M:13 D3,D8,D10 BD:11/12/16 D:12/14/16 OM confirmed 01/20/17
Interesting. I assume Cadet has a source for saying Robx didn't save his M. I haven't seen it though. TBH, it sounded like the dude no longer wanted her at the end.
Doodler, you said your XW was a carbon copy of mine. How did coming out of that R affected your view of the kind of woman you want next in your life?
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
