I think you did great. Remember, when a person who once had control of something lose control of what they had control of, they start to lose control of themselves. That's obviously the case here. Your wife was banging on your door, because you set a boundary. She is now just starting to understand you are serious.
I don't see a problem with the R convo, seeing how you didn't initiate it. Sounds like for the most part, you listened and validated. Is defending yourself on the E abuse situation that important. Remember, her seeing your E abusing is from her perspective and not yours. What see perceived is probably totally different from what you did. The big question is why did she see you as E abusing.
The statement from your wife about why you couldn't change and do those things before tells me two things.
1. She sees a change! Great for you. Sounds like now she has some doubt. Don't get too wrapped up in her doubt, but to me some is there now.
2. She is using you being the person you are now as an excuse to keeping moving forward on the path you'll are on.
Keep doing what you are doing.
I'm glad you kicked up your feet and smiled.
Great job.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
I think what AS is getting at is "don't treat your R talks as a curiosity." How can that possibly make things better for you? His advice was "if you're going to have an R talk, shut up, listen, and validate" and I agree that's good advice.
JoeJoe, she saw me as emotionally abusive because I emotionally withdrew when there was conflict in our M. I would go a day or two without talking to her. That is my fault - I have looked deep inside, owned it, and apologized to her for it. I wish I could actually improve on it with her, but I think it's not appropriate in my sitch now. I'm not denying that I didn't do these things to her, I just refuse to accept the "abuse" label. Why? Well TBH I suspect she may try to use my apologies as an admission of guilt in the D case. Unfortunately I have to weigh the legal side of things in my mind now.
East, I guess I don't get why the R talks are so bad. I'll admit I don't see the point in them. I am certainly not pursuing. But maybe a part of me is thinking it's my way of leaving a crack in the door. I'm almost ashamed to say it, but there's still a part of me that would think about taking her back. Maybe it's just my ego so that I won't have the pain of rejection any more.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Sandi posted this in my old thread, but I'll respond here.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I know I was not the perfect husband. But I did so much for her. When she was having panic attacks and didn't want everyone else to know, I helped her through them and kept her secret. I helped her get ahead in her career by caring for the kids by myself. I was super frugal when money was tight. I endured years of her snappy comments, coldness, the SSM, and her general sour mood. Why wasn't I the one to leave?
Although there may be some women out there who would give anything to have a H described in the above paragraph, your W is not of them. The more you took care of the mundane jobs of homemaking, child care, and pinching pennies.......the less she was attracted to you. You sheltered her, catered to her, and freed her from wife and motherly duties so she could spend more time focused on advancing on her job.
When this pattern continues, it tells me that that woman should have planned to just have a career, and not bring children into the world that she is not going to be there to raise. It made me angry when she suggested having another child, with no intentions of being there to care for it. Your comments actually reminded me of women who have too much burden on their shoulders and the man (who spends his time on the job) decides he wants to enlarge his family......without any consideration to the stress it will add to her. In this case, the roles have been reversed. But your answer sounded as if you were panicking at the thought of having another child (and I don't blame you)...b\c you were logically seeing how you would not have any help from the mother. She'd have the baby and hand it over to you. And her reason for wanting another child was so she could have a girl? I don't get why these women want kids when they don't want to take care of them.
Anyway, I had intended to say that there have been many H's with a story just like you have shared. A W who is selfish, has a sour disposition, has a SSM, says just enough to show disrespect for her H, and leaves the care of the children and housework to the H. I don't know why, but these women lose respect for the H, and the attraction is gone. And, the more he tries to keep the home fires going, and be there to help her anyway possible, and make excuses for her bad attitude\moods, the less attraction she has for him.
If you read JRuss story, you may recognize you and your W. I was not able to help him, and I offended him in my attempt to get him to "toughen up" with his W. His response to me made me realize I had hit some tender spots.....or maybe it was bad timing, IDK.
I said all of that to say this....... if your W has always been on the "spoiled" side....where you, her parents, or someone catered to making her happier....only it never lasted or it wasn't enough? I would say the problem is in her. If she has had a sense of entitlement most (or maybe all) the time you've known her......then the problem is in her. If her having a bad attitude, giving the silent treatment or cold shoulder is pretty normal in the MR........then I think the problem is in her. It is rare to see this type of woman change as long as her H and parents cater to her. I believe she can change, but it would be very difficult for this H....after all this time has passed....to "tame the shrew", so to speak. If it had began at the first start of the relationship......it would have been easier. But now, IDK.
I do not agree with your C about apologizing to your W! It would only add to her contempt for you. I think your C is just at a loss to tell you what to do about your MR.
It's very telling when you describe how much better you feel when the W is not there. I have to wonder why you want to continue living with someone who doesn't appreciate you. And I want you to know this, the SSM will not get better unless she has a major overhaul in her heart. She uses you and is not attracted to you. If you can't figure out why......then don't expect her to change for the better.
JRuss once said I had not given him constructive advice in a post I sent, which is correct. We can't always give advice in every post. But hopefully, I've given you something to think about. And, if I am completely wrong about your W, please tell me b\c I really want to know.
((Hugs))
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
East, I guess I don't get why the R talks are so bad. I'll admit I don't see the point in them. I am certainly not pursuing. But maybe a part of me is thinking it's my way of leaving a crack in the door.
H.....let me ask you this. When you initiate the talks do you walk away feeling good about yourself and do you ever get the response your looking for out of your W?
The reason I stopped bringing the talks up was because I felt like it put me in weak position. I never got what I was looking for and walked away feeling like crap. They also made me feel weak because I was continuing to engage with someone who has no desire to engage with me.
If there's no point to the R talk, then why have it?
I don't think it's bad, but I DO think you should approach it with the right mindset. "Morbid fascination" is not that mindset. If you want to fix things, then approach those conversations with a mindset that will get you closer to the goal. If you're done and want to D, then avoid those conversations. They will make your situation worse.
J9, I'm not initiating the talks. It's been probably 4 months since I've initiated one. She's the one who brings it up - it's something she keeps coming back to.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
If she initiates and you engage in more than just validating, etc. How does it make you feel after? Do you feel she is trying to set you up so you take the bait and she can get some personal satisfaction or draw some power/ego boost from it?
J9, I think she wants me to admit guilt and apologize (again) for what I've done. She wants to justify in her mind why this is happening. Funny how she's been pretty short on apologies lately.
With her it's all about control and ego. Every convo feels like it's just a rung in her ladder to move toward D. While I feel it's important for me to stand up and show I'm not going to back down, y'all are really making me wonder if I just need to put an end to these talks as soon they start.
Me-47,XW-43 S13,S16 M:18 BD:4-23-17 W filed:7-17-17 (5 months of in-house separation hell) W moved out:1-6-18 D granted:2-15-18 Decree signed:3-29-18
Maybe every time she does it and you engage it further re-enforces this in her mind? Does this continue to re-enforce her feelings? Does she get an ego boost out of it?
