Hey ((AP))! Wow, what a great update! Glad you got out for an evening with the lady from the book shop. I bet it was nice to have some company with the opposite sex for an evening. I am, however, disappointed that you did not send a lavender scented thank you note! You can't smell an e-mail you know!
Maybe sometime in the future you can treat her to one of your home cooked meals. Maybe one of those frozen ducks...?
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Halloween was good. I had about 70 kids show up and S23 had some friends over who played board games and watched movies all night. One thing that I've realized for Halloween is that any decoration more than about 5' off the ground doesn't get seen so what I do is haul my 16' sloop out, put some decorations out on it and people seem to be impressed. Any kids who show up dressed as a Pirate get extra candy as does anyone who puts in an extra effort. I picked up an inexpensive LED projector and my neighbours at least were impressed by the haunted house effects I got by projecting some spooky images on to the window from the unused front bedroom.
The lady from the book-shop sent me a nice note wishing me a pleasant evening and we exchanged a couple of emails on the topic of Halloween and rum. I don't see anything romantic happening with her and did mention that I expected to be busy for the next week (true) but that I hoped to see her on November 11th - Remembrance Day at the cenotaph. I do want to maintain this friendship but I need to figure out how to keep expectations low as far as anything further goes.
A bit to my surprise, one of the Moms who used to babysit for us who brought her kids around last night asked if my STBX was in and was rather shocked when I said that she hadn't lived here for a couple of years. This is the second Halloween without her. I did have a couple of tots of rum to keep in the pirate spirit but changed to apple juice.
One of the things that I've noticed with myself is that I have gotten more cautious since I've essentially been alone. Having S23 around helps a bit but I often feel that I'm operating "without a net".
I do have a bit of an issue with my heart - 3 partial blockages and 2 leaky valves diagnosed about 10 years ago - hurray middle age - and experienced some angina pain for the first time in a while recently while doing some heavy yard work and again today while moving 700lbs of wooden boat around the yard. I'm taking it easy for the next while but not having someone as a safety net is a bit scary. If needed I know that S23 and my brothers would certainly step up but that's different than a spouse.
Packing up the Halloween decorations made me a bit thoughtful today. Last Christmas I split the ornaments etc and since STBX is supposed to come by "any day now" to pick up the last of her stuff I split the Halloween decorations and costumes. There are some nice things that have sat in boxes for more than a decade that I put in the box for her. Inside house decorations mostly plus some of the more feminine costume things. I have no idea if she wants it or not but it's part of the purge.
I feel odd. I miss the "her" that I thought she was. I miss having someone around who I can talk to / listen to. I miss having someone who I can do special things for and who would chastise me for doing things like moving 700lbs of boat by myself.
The first spousal support payment is due in 2 weeks and I have it in my budget. I need to adjust some of my priorities but overall things will be fine. I had a brief talk to S23 about budgets especially since he now has an income of sorts. I suggested that he take his income and apply it to his student loans and get those paid off and that I would continue to support him as I have all along. He looked surprised and pleased and mentioned that that had been his plan as well.
S23's mood has been up and down and all over. Generally he seems in a good humour though. I have mentioned in passing about his mother coming by to get stuff and that doesn't seem to be too much of a stress point for him even if he has the responsibility of letting her in and judging on what can be taken.
D25 is doing fairly well. She's a bit lonely because her H is out on a cruise (Navy) so I try to engage with her a bit more than usual.
As far as STBX goes, I have no knowledge. SIL1 who monitors her Facebook for me has nothing to report beyond a lot of postings of recipes. I nagged my lawyer's office at the end of last week about the status of the settlement agreement and it is still not ready for me to sign due to conflicting schedules. I don't believe that there are any substantive issues with it though.
For me right now if I could put a name on it it would be "lost". The traditional DB "GAL" won't give me the direction that I need. I think I described it well to a good friend the other day in that everything is largely on hold until I get the separation agreement signed. The new year may well be a time of changes. I'd like a new job which gives me a better quality of life. Yes, I would like to discover someone to share that life with but know that is something not to rush into. I do plan to contact my travel agent to see what she can do with a somewhat limited budget to put me on a tropical beach in the new year for a week or so.
One of the quirky (to me) things about my personality is that I tend to make big decisions quickly and not regret them but will spend a huge amount of time waffling about trivial things. I'm potentially facing some incredibly huge choices and really don't know not only what those choices are, nor what to choose. Thanks to many kind people (especially you job) I know that when I am lost in the woods to stop and to think rather than to act.
Well - time to get my dinner underway. Broiled steak tonight. I'm not one of those all-weather BBQ types but I do like a nice lean cut of locally grown beef.
A bientot. Thanks for following along my friends.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I've been a tough time of it recently. Not nearly as tough as I have had in the past but tough compared to "normal",
On my fridge I have a thing given to me by a supplier a few years ago where you can mark on it "today I feel". Regularly I've been putting "lonely" on it. It's not a deep aching loneliness like I felt at around this time last year, but it is still there and still real.
Last night I was sitting with the cats and a nice bottle of wine watching Bloomberg news. The host who was on is an acquaintance of mine and is a very smart and capable woman and was talking about important things. How to improve growth in GDP that either the labour market participation rate needed to improve, or productivity gains were required. How we could all be dead in a nuclear fireball next week (no politics please). Etc etc. I just couldn't get into it so I switched over and started watching old Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons (I did say that I was exciting didn't I?) STBX never really got into those much but loved the little vignettes mixed in such as the "Hey Rocky - want to see me pull a rabbit out of my hat". Good thing that I have removed all easy ways to contact her. I had that itch.
I have been wondering about her and her life, and yes, worrying about her. I know that it's for the best if I just stay detached but 3 decades can create an echo. This is probably in part triggered because the separation agreement is still not signed. As far as I am aware it is because of delays on the lawyers' parts with them having other cases etc. I nagged my lawyer's office again on Friday morning - politely - I am Canadian after all - and was advised that I will most likely hear back from her on Monday.
Last night my sleep was filled with dreams that I am sure would fill the pockets of any psychiatrist. One key bit that I remember is that my very dear cat Tweedle Dee who died a bit over a year ago was wandering around the house with the girls and making himself quite at home. My STBX was not in any of the dreams. There was a big feeling of deja-vu though. According to similar stories this is indeed the time when someone like my STBX could pop out of her hole. The holiday season is full upon us and there is a set of irrevocable actions coming up. I personally feel that this path that I have been set upon is one that I need to continue walking forward on.
I have every expectation that signing the separation agreement and then the divorce will be tough emotional blows. Perhaps I'm flinching before that, or just preparing myself. I don't know. I've been waffling about having a celebration when the divorce is final. I don't know. There's a lot that in hindsight was not healthy in my marriage - a message for some of the newbies to perhaps carry away if they have bothered to read this. Jack_Three_Beans I know pushed me gently but firmly to be very honest to myself about things.
A friend of mine is going through a difficult separation and I am providing him with some moral support and what I hope is practical advice. He's been divorced for about 4 years now but they never did the property settlement. I joke with him that he's my guide on everything that could possibly be done wrong. He regularly cheated on his wife, she cheated on him in revenge, he threw all her stuff on the front lawn and then helped someone load it on a truck to take it away. He's hidden money and income. Coming from me this may be a surprising statement but underneath all that, he is actually a generally decent human being. I wouldn't do business with him though. He has a sense of entitlement and a lack of depth in many of his relationships. He's currently talking about leaving the country and starting over again in another part of the world just to escape the possible doom that is looming over him now that his chickens are coming home to roost. I'm cautioning him to take no rash actions. He's mentioned to me a few times that he sometimes stops and thinks "what would Andrew suggest" when he is about to take some rash action.
Well. A busy weekend. The village craft show is on today and I hope to stop by and pick up a Christmas present or two. It's a bit early but I need to get the ones for D25 and her H into the mail well before the end of the month. The first weekend of the month means extra laundry, flipping the mattress and a full clean of the house. The final storm windows for the front porch and basement also need to be installed.
I have a "Mr Potato Head" kit for pumpkins (pirate themed of course) that has left me with a largely intact pie pumpkin. A pie is intended to be made from it and I will freeze some for later in the year.
Life goes on.
A favourite charity "Playing for Change" does a great version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song" that I need to listen to the lyrics a bit more closely. I may use that song to mark my divorce. I would encourage anyone who is feeling similarly thoughtful to give that version a listen. It's on YouTube.
Originally Posted By: Bob Marley
Old pirates, yes, they rob I Sold I to the merchant ships Minutes after they took I From the bottomless pit But my hand was made strong By the hand of the Almighty We forward in this generation Triumphantly Won't you help to sing These songs of freedom? 'Cause all I ever have Redemption songs Redemption songs Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery None but ourselves can free our minds Have no fear for atomic energy 'Cause none of them can stop the time How long shall they kill our prophets While we stand aside and look? Ooh Some say it's just a part of it We've got to fulfill the Book Won't you help to sing These songs of freedom? 'Cause all I ever have Redemption songs Redemption songs Redemption songs Emancipate yourselves from mental slavery None but ourselves can free our minds Wo! Have no fear for atomic energy 'Cause none of them-a can-a stop-a the time How long shall they kill our prophets While we stand aside and look? Yes, some say it's just a part of it We've got to fulfill the book Won't you have to sing These songs of freedom? 'Cause all I ever had Redemption songs All I ever had Redemption songs These songs of freedom Songs of freedom
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sorry you are in a rough patch. Push the L. She is not your friend. I don’t generally advocate being verbally aggressive, but there is a time and place for it. You are paying her to do something for you and she’s not doing it. I told my L after he was dragging his feet: I want to get a deal done NOW while w is still being nice!!! Suddenly, he is in daily contact.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
There is so much sadness dripping from your posts. Obviously your business and I have not me the parties involved, but I wonder why you don't give the bookshop lady a chance. Is it because she is 10 years older? I think I would date a man 10 years older as long as he was still living life and not sitting around talking about how old he is.
There seems to be such a sense of waiting for you. What are you waiting for? What is that separation contract going to do for you at this point (remember I know a little about separation contracts). You know the deal, what you have to pay, how it impacts your budget, etc. What unknowns do you have about it?
Is there some part of you waiting for her to come back or hoping that she does? Seems like it wouldn't be any time soon. Why not really try moving on. You live in a small town and you think you have a spy in your midst. How could she ever see you as doing anything but waiting for her.
Get out there Andrew! You seem to want someone in your life (I find the thought of other men vomit-inducing at this point but my counselor says many folks in my situation feel that), go find her.
I hereby order you to choose happiness. To get out into the world. To have adventures and to come back and tell us about them in your own delightful way.
Hi Andrew, I'm sorry this is a rough patch and hope things feel brighter again soon. I think of this journey as having a sort of spiral formation. We loop around and generally forward, but sometimes in the loop we dip back a little, but then forward again. I have certainly found that in my own journey. Maybe it isn't as tidy as a spiral, but you know what I mean! It is fine and normal to have these phases and they will also pass and you will laugh and feel connected again.
It is a funny time when you are edging towards a settlement and finalising things. I remember wondering if it would actually happen. Would there be an eleventh hour change? And then it did happen and I felt both sad and relieved of a burden. Then I moved solidly forward - actually I moved solidly forward well before that but the D finalising gave me some more forward momentum. This man - boyfriend of someone else - was no longer 'my husband.' That was freeing for me.
I agree with Own It and it may be a good time to introduce a regular new activity in the mix. I may like going out more than some, but I find every other night works well for me. In one night and out the next. I get a nice mix of recharge time and stimulation/company. Some of my 'out' things are pretty gently - like yoga and choir. Some more social - dancing and other nights out. What else might you enjoy doing?
I'm glad you've removed the 'easy contact' option. It's never a good option to contact the WAS when you are feeling lonely and wistful. Better putting that energy into planning something nice for yourself.
Hope things take a sunnier turn for you soon :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Gordie / OwnIt / Sotto - Thank you all so much for the visit.
It's been a busy day and a tough one. 3 1/2 hours spent fixing a doorbell (looong story) and my housework is behind.
Gordie - I'm confident that my lawyer has everything in train and since it is a small office I don't want to upset the apple-cart at this point. It will be done when it's done. I'm reasonably confident that the deal will go through since it was proposed by my STBX however we all need to be cautious because "There's many a slip 'twixt the cup and the lip"
OwnIt - Thanks for the kick in the pants. One of the things that I am working on is knowing that I am good by myself and that if someone joins me on my journey that it will be the choice of both of us but not because I "need" someone. The chemistry with the lady from the bookshop is one of a friend with many common interests but not someone who I would imagine waking up next to. I'm not sure if that makes sense or not. As opposed to when I was in my 20s I know now that even though I am lonely that I need to choose if / when / who someone joins me on my journeys. Back then I was very keen to be paired.
Right now I "am" sad. It happens and I am grateful for you all, my friends who listen to this and understand. Sad isn't something to be "fixed". Sad is just something that happens. I had Joy today too. It was a lovely autumnal day. I talked to some very nice people. I picked up a Christmas card for my daughter at the craft show (don't tell her). And given some compromises, my doorbell now works.
Many years ago I had an interesting exchange with my STBX. She said that she asked my mother if I had always been depressed. My mother said that she didn't recall that. I'm sure that many hours could be devoted to analyzing that but I think it boils down to that I have good days and bad days. Most people around me think that I'm upbeat and positive. I for myself recognize that there are both sides and I try to look hard at the "darkness" to see how it can be turned into light or if it can just be accepted. A phrase I use is "you don't know you are living under a cloud until you walk in the sunshine". Pretending the darkness doesn't exist doesn't make it go away.
I had a dear friend who was the best man at my wedding. I used to joking call him "doctor" both because he was studying psychology and because he felt that there were interesting papers to be written about me. Human beings are put together in the dark by amateurs - it's surprising that we work at all.
Sotto! Thank you so much for the visit. I've read some of your older threads and the name you used back then is the same as my Grandmother referred to herself by.
Perhaps I am putting things on hold. Personally I believe it to be wise. I've had many conversations with close friends about this as well.
I view myself right now as being on the cusp of a new life. It is so very very close. Possibly within just a few months. I use a lot of imagery in my life. I view myself as being in an anteroom, closing the door behind me. Perhaps my old "Cabin in the Woods" which is perhaps rather well worn by now. As I step forward I want to be very deliberate about it. There are indeed a lot of things that I could be / should be doing right now that I'm not doing. I have been doing a lot of thinking and planning beyond what I've written here. FIRST though. I need to get the door behind me closed.
Last edited by job; 11/05/1701:50 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey AP, just stopping by to give you a (((hug))). Seems like you need one.
I'm glad Halloween was, as always, successful. I wish I lived in your neighbourhood!
With feeling lonely. Me too! I long for someone to go out for a drink with or just snuggle up to on the sofa. I'll tell you a little secret. I was doing some tidying up today and found a shoe box full of old photographs. Lots of D when she was small and a few of her dad. Do you know as I was looking at those photos, I started to miss him. How messed up is that! It's been 10 years since I saw him!
Anyway, life is funny. You have to laugh otherwise the alternative is to cry!
I have always admired your resolve and determination. You should be proud of how far you have come. (((AP)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
Do not be hard on yourself. I beleive those cloudy days are part of life..
They do not define who we are. You are a very smart, strong, caring man. A day like today is nothing more than a " one of those days" .
Dating, going out, GALing, there is no time frame on this. Some days, you will be up for it and some days, you won' t. No big deal.. do not pressure yourself. It would not be productive if you do it without being in the mood. It could actually mess up something that could have potential if entered in the setting.
As for the big D, maybe your morals are like mine and completing the divorce fully will end one chapter and you will be ready to venture on the next one.
When mine was signed, i felt happy it was all over ( not my marriage, the divorce procedure ) and SADNESS. Alot of pain and sadness but as time passed, all of us pulled through at our own pace.
You are a model for many on here. We hope our posting to you on your situation have as much value to you as yours have on us!!
A bientot!!
Last edited by job; 11/05/1701:51 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
((Coly23)) - Thanks for the hug. It helps a lot even if it was virtual. I'm not surprised at your reaction to those old photos. I know that when I stumble across reminders that it gives me a combination of WTF and reminisces. I still have lots of halloween candy left. "20 something" is supposed to stop by this afternoon and take it off my hands for the youth group she works at. She and her boyfriend are looking for an apartment and may be moving in around the corner.
Merci pour la viste Exquisite. My own French is minimal so that pretty much exhausted it. Early in my career I spent a lot of time up at a little dot on the map near James Bay called Matagami so my linguistic powers are limited to mining, food, beer and finding the bathroom I also had some clients in Montreal and currently deal with one of the plants that the company I work for has there.
Your kind words are helpful in themselves. I'll get through this. I wonder at times if I am my own worst enemy knowing that these next steps will be tough is maybe making them tougher. I really don't know what the future will hold for me. Everyone around me seems to think that I'll easily find someone new and settle down again. I was at a favourite hardware store yesterday getting some parts for a Christmas tree stand I'm planning on building and the owner who I've known for a long time mentioned that he felt that I would be the subject of much feminine attention. I have my doubts though.
As you suggest and I agree - that is all largely on hold for present until the divorce goes through. If nothing else, it would be unfair to another person to involve them in that angst. On the other hand the mother of the lady from the flower shop was talking to me yesterday though and making sure that I knew to come to the shop's open house this week.
The forecast here calls for rain so I'm heading off shortly for my weekly walk and then stop for lunch with my friend at her bake-shop. I've realized that she is very likely on friendly terms with my STBX so I've been working on being neutral on the related subjects. Then puttering at house cleaning - one thing at a time. The world won't come to an end if there are a few dust bunnies around but it is a good feeling to look around and be proud of the condition of my home. It is a bit messy in places and is perhaps a bit shabby looking, but it is Home. Self-help "guru" FlyLady would be fine with it. My sink is almost always shiny.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I also had some clients in Montreal and currently deal with one of the plants that the company I work for has there.