Dude, what is up with these ridiculous women that they have such a great guy in the area and are not taking advantage. Must be that the right one has not come around yet. Never fear, she will. You are too awesome to be alone long. In the meantime, enjoy the lovely ladies you have at home. I have one of each but the male is my favorite. He gives me hugs and snuggles under the covers.
Hey Andrew, With regards to alimony, have you considered the option of stopping your payments after your ex gets re-married?
Hope progress is made tomorrow. Instead of "need to try to get a date" for her to pick up her stuff, you could let her know it will be on the porch until ____ whatever date you think is sufficient. After that, the items will be donated to local charity. Personally, I think you should have boxed up all of her items from the crafts and games cupboard. Let her sort through everything and decide what is good or bad. It's not your job to clean up her stuff.
dream
ps: I'm glad to hear your son is working!!! He needs to learn how to take care of himself and be an independent man.
OwnIt - Thanks for the visit. There are indeed a number of very lovely ladies in my area both of the fuzzy variety and the the two legged. I'm getting more comfortable in my skin pretty much each day and have realized that even though I'm perhaps a wrinkly grey-haired man, I still have a lot of living to do regardless of whether I have a companion on that journey or not. It's not a choice I have to make right now though.
Dream! Lovely of you to stop by as always. If we do go down the road of "indefinite support" there will be conditions. I will also suggest that if we don't go with a cash buyout or time limited agreement that I will reserve the right to keep hauling her back to court as circumstances change. But as my lawyer cautioned me, people lie and in some ways I could see her living a double life to keep the money coming. I've been reading case law (yes I'm "that" exciting) and the trend even here but more so in other jurisdictions is to not award indefinite support except where the one spouse is completely unable to be self-supporting. To annoy my lawyer I've looked up a couple of the more recent decisions that are relevant.
Going to court is completely unpredictable though and the decisions are binding. I'm sure that she doesn't want her dirty laundry aired as well. Even beyond the infidelity there are a lot of other things that I can point to where she has not acted appropriately or in good faith and where I've not over-reacted or acted in any arbitrary fashion. For anyone earlier on in this journey than I am, keeping a list is a good idea. I have recorded each time she entered the house, all the financial transactions etc. I also have copies of all emails and text messages. All of this is also stored outside the house - yes I was "that" paranoid at one point and still am to a degree.
As far as the remaining stuff I'm hoping that we can cut a deal that is determined to be "complete" and that includes a clause that she has until X to retrieve anything and that I have to agree on what is removed. Beyond that it would be considered abandoned property and I'll then donate / trash etc as appropriate.
It isn't my job to clean up her stuff yes, but this is my home, not her's any more and so I need to deal with things.
As you know I struggle with the fact that I know so very little about her plans or what is going on. You maybe remember my old "Phantom Cyclist" threads where I was dashing around not knowing where I was going and trying to see where she was. Even though I'm confident that I'm largely in control of this process, I do require her cooperation to get through these last steps. I don't know her plans nor her motivation. She's completely silent. I suspect that the pictures from her Caribbean adventure with her guy last winter were never intended to be made public. From what I've gathered they are still a thing. To me it seems beyond bizarre that she is still keeping it all quiet after all this time. To my knowledge neither of the kids have met her guy as well and probably I know more about him than they do. Is this a cynical, well-thought out plan to shake me down for cash? I really doubt that. It's certainly not well-thought out. A well thought out plan would have been executed more than a year ago.
Hopefully we can do some actual negotiating this time. The first two meetings were a bit of a bust with STBX not being prepared at all and storming out of the first one and her lawyer trying to bully me in the second one. I'm sure that I'll post an update after the meeting.
My son is doing much better lately I think. Having a job has probably helped his self-confidence. I've not talked to him about contributing to the family finances or even covering some of the bills of his that I pay. It's only been a short while. A key thing to me is that I don't want him to be a pawn in this negotiating with his mother.
Thanks again Dream for stopping by. I will always treasure your calm voice early in my journey.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
There's a principle in contract negotiations where if both sides come away unhappy that it's a good deal.
Without going into details there'll be a modest transfer of equity and modest spousal support payments.
It is my understanding that once the agreement is in place that she'll be doing the filing for divorce.
I thanked her for her consideration and arranged with her for her to remove her remaining possessions from the house.
I have no idea what her status is, nor her plans. But they are no longer any of my concern.
I'm sitting weeping with a bottle of a nice Spanish wine that I believe is from the Catalonia region of Spain where the saga of my hero and spiritual guide Don Quixote is based (if you remember my really old threads) and half an apple pie - cuz that's what I have in the fridge that I don't have to cook.
It's hard to believe that this is almost over.
For those following along behind on a similar journey it helped a lot for me to have gotten all my finances and options figured out so that I could honestly present the alternatives rather than just following along the guidelines. The resulting agreement is very simple.
Thank you everyone for who has followed along, who have cheered me and yes, even those who have chastised me.
I'll still be hanging around for a bit. Jack_3_Beans who meant a very lot to me and who I miss greatly once admonished me to "pay it forward" and in his memory and in thanks to all those who have stood along side me, I will continue to do that for the near future.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Another settlement phenomenon is settlement fatigue. People just reach a place where they want to be done and leaving without an agreement after you've envisioned being done is something you can no longer fathom.
I'm glad that the payments are modest and that you will soon be rid of her and her stuff.
In my office now is the Don Quixote Picasso print with a quote:
"Then you will do your duty for it is not necessary to be dubbed a knight to engage in battles such as these."
You are a knight, and a gentleman, and your voice is needed here. We all root for you and the lucky lady who gets to join you on your travels.
Oh Andrew, I'm so sorry you had to travel this road.
Throw back a glass of that wine for me.
And when you finish weeping, dry those tears, and let me share one more quote from the author I quoted this morning-
"rise said the moon and the new day came the show must go on said the sun life does not stop for anybody it drags you by the legs whether you want to move forward or not that is the gift life will force you to forget how you long for them your skin will shed till there is not a single part of you left they've touched your eyes finally just your eyes not the eyes which held them you will make it to the end of what is only the beginning go on open the door to the rest of it."
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
OwnIt - The Picasso sketch of Don Quixote is one of my favourites. I've thought of getting it as a tattoo but haven't. I gifted a copy of it to a dear friend who has been a big supporter and who coincidentally I will be having dinner with tomorrow. I don't recall that particular quote but it does resonate. It took me about 4 years to make my way through both volumes of his adventures. I used it as my "vacation reading" so only got through a bit at a time. What I so admired about the character was his determination to do the "right thing" regardless of obstacles or the opinions of others. Duty / Honour / Pride - that's what led me to this place and I will still hold those high as I walk any new paths.
If you are looking at other art, Gustav Dore has done some fabulous work including some ones of Don Quixote which I am very fond of.
Leahsue - thank you for that poem. Poetry is dear to me despite the fact that I do actually own the complete works of William McGonagall (inside poetry lovers joke). I first need to close the door behind me before I open any in front of me. I may just sit and pause and reflect between the two doors. Not being "stuck" but just continuing on working on being ready to open the doors in front while making sure the door behind is closed.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
