Help needed from Far-east.

[25yearsmlc]

be careful to be warm and pleasant

and not cold or punitive. See, I have a quibble with the approach of "not letting them cake eat" b/c all WAS cake eat at first.

They want out of the m and we want it to remain (I'm quoting my DB coach, not just blurting this out).

But from what you are saying here, it's as if she wants to file but just not yet.

And you do need to do 180's, like helping around the house, and with the d.

As for things she is upset about from 5 years ago, if it's not happening now,

I would tell her

"W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently" and move on to the present.

What matters now is what is happening now.

As for your wife's bone pain, I'm sorry but I don't see how that is related to infertility treatments, NOW.

In other words, has she gotten a decent medical exam?

And can you move to the USA for you and your D, (regardless of what your w plans)?

[anative]

But from what you are saying here, it's as if she wants to file but just not yet.

They are not ready to be completely together yet. Also, my wife can't give up what she has now easily. Family, business, and daughter are still her concern. Plus, she want me to stick around as a business partner if I could. I feel like deep down inside, she just like the feeling of being in love again that all.

I would tell her

"W, I'm sorry that hurt you. If I had it all to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently" and move on to the present.

I tried that many time already. She said "Too little too late". She has already in a new relationship and she doesn't want to go back.

As for your wife's bone pain, I'm sorry but I don't see how that is related to infertility treatments.

In order to do In-Vitro-Fertilization, she has to inject some medicine to adjust her hormone which effect her bone mass and bone strength. But she is getting better now. Thank you 25 : )

And can you move to the USA for you and your D, (regardless of what your w plans)?

Me and my daughter are US citizen. If I want to move to USA, I have to find some business to do first.

However, my daughter will go to high school in USA in 2 years which is perfect excuse for my wife to go meet her OM if they are still together.

[anative]

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her.)

Can I start the conversation first and talk about fun stuffs when my daughter is around on the weekend? My daughter is starting to guess about what happen to me and my wife.


19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only SHOW your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with.

Again, Can I include my wife in the activities when doing things with my daughter? Or I can just show her how happy I am with my daughter?

THANK YOU.

[Lovelyp]

Can I start the conversation first and talk about fun stuffs when my daughter is around on the weekend? My daughter is starting to guess about what happen to me and my wife.


You can talk to your daughter more and involve her in your activities. Talking to your wife and initiating conversations may seem you are desperate about hiding anything from d. just be warm, polite and respectful to her alwats and dont burden yourself with initiating conversations. Don't act to cover up anything because you are not the one who is responsible for causing this situation. I avoid saying you are not guilty because you are now equally guilty because you are sleeping around too. You don't have to make yourself dirty because someone else is dirty. If you are a principled person stick to them and stooping to her level and sleeping around only takes away your self worth. You are responsible for your actions and there a consequences to your health both mentally and physically. Remember condoms are not fool proof because there is still skin contact (diseases like hepatitis B, genital herpes and genital watts can be contracted). If you contract any disease from sleeping with women can you live with it?





Again, Can I include my wife in the activities when doing things with my daughter? Or I can just show her how happy I am with my daughter?

Try to be happy with your daughter alone. Don't try to involve her BUT if she asks to join don't stop her. Try to GAL and show her you are content and happy.
Those things she complained about make sure to assess them and do a self assessment of any other areas you lack.

[anative]

Hello.
I want to update what happen this past weekend.
On Saturday, We didn't talk much during the day. I took my daughter to music school. My wife texted me that she want to wait until me and my daughter get back to go have lunch together. Also, she asked us two to go see movie with her. However, my daughter had many homework so we only had lunch together. Later that day, my wife said she want to go dinner some place nice. So, we all went. My wife was being talkative. She touched me sometime when she got excited on her story. Anyway, I just be there and listen, talk very little. Then we went home and sleep in saperate room.

Today, I left home early to work. She took my daughter to mudic school. After my daughter got back she asked my wife if she wanna come have lunch with us. My wife said no. While we were having lunch my wife texted me which restaurant we went. Then she texted me again said "Good, you will get used to". I didn't know what was her point but I didn't repled. Again at dinner, my daughter asked if she was hungry. She said no. So, me and my daughter got two order of take out food. She seem upset. But I didn't show her that I noticed.

Tomorrow, she will go see her OM for the last day. I didn't talk to her about this. I don't know, if I'm on the right track of "Detach" and Is this what suppose to happen?

[25yearsmlc]

I don't think there is a "supposed to happen" scenario.




I do believe you are looking to get your wife to notice small short lived things. And that will become very frustrating for you

and you are decreasing the chances of her noticing any change b/c you are only doing them to get her to notice

which means they are not actual changes in you. Just "tactics" to get her back.

Forget the dating while you are still married under the same roof. That is so reactive and retaliatory and it will absolutely not help you get a recon

LATER ON when your w sees your confidence or that other women notice you, it may help

and it will help YOU get your confidence back too. But that's so far down the road

you seem to be spinning a lot, hoping a 2 day time period changes her course.

Stop the spinning. Are you GAL at all?

And have you gotten either the Div Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book?

They are very helpful and will clarify a lot of your questions. Do read one of them.


What are the activities or classes or musical instruments or languages or sports or volunteer activities or places

you are interested in? Start checking them out and begin to GAL b/c that will help you stay sane

and it will also help you detach (stay sane) and

it will help you bring more to the table as a partner (for someone, whether it's your wife or not.)


Hang in there

[anative]

Right after I finished last post (before I read yours, of course). My wife said that we need to talk.
She asked me if I'm seeing anyone as she saw me spent time on Iphone and computer more than usual. She said

- It seemed like I've moved on because I didn't invited her to join any activities in last two day.
- She want to pay me for working with her for 15 yrs and also the salary from now on(as a business partner).
- She will come to store less because she feel rejected around me.
- Thank you for make it easy for her to make up her mind.
- I've never talked to her to try to solve the problems. Always left her guess my actions like I always do.
- I acted quiet and ignored her like I used to this was why we broke up.(She cried when she said this one)

I told her: I can't be happy with her one day and watch her walk away to OM the next day over and over again no more. BTW, This is what she want in the first place, Isn't she? Me stepping aside?

Then she asked me what would I want in our relationship from now.

I told her: I wasn't a good H. I accepted it. I hurt her feeling a lot in the past, sometime I meant it (stubbornness) sometime I didn't. If I can do it all over again, I definitely will do it differently. However, my chance has passed me by because you are in the new relationship now. So, I will be here take care our business, our daughter. And wish that one day I will have a chance to make it all up to you again. She was crying very loud when I said this.

I also told her: I haven't seen anyone. I just read some of the article that help me get over the break up through the internet.

After I finished this sentence, she told me that I should get some sleep because I have a 3 hrs drive my daughter to school early morning tomorrow. We haven't talk since. (She is with OM as I speak)

Are you GAL at all?

Our store is open 7 days/week from 10-10. So I don't have much time GAL. However , I go to the gym almost everyday. It is not healthy, I knew.

Have you gotten either the Div Busting book or the Divorce Remedy book?

I read "DR" 3 times already.

I am not sure if I said it right or I shouldn't say it like this.

From scale 1 to 10. If I were 5 before this conversation with my wife last night. Do you think where am I now?

[joejoe1]

A native,

Everything was good. The only part you should of left out was, " And wish that one day I will have a chance to make it all up to you again. ".

She must think you are moving on for good.

All her comments were excuses for what she really wants to do.

Now it's time to detach and GAL.

[anative]

Hi.
I’d like to update my situation. Her OM went back to US last Tuesday. I started detaching since last Monday as soon as my daughter left.

Not even past 24 hrs. , my wife came talk to me she can’t stand me acting like this. If I continue acting distantly, she will not go to Japan trip on October. We planned this trip six months ago, my daughter is very excited about this trip. I told her that I needed my space too. Sorry if that make you uncomfortable. So, after that conversation I try to interact with her a little more just to get past the upcoming trip. She seemed happier. The thing confuses me is that she is now the one text me when I’m not around, asked me to have lunch or go shopping with her. I knew this might be a test. So, I didn’t get excited about it. I went if I was hungry too and went if I have sth to buy.

One night, she came to me told me that she had a headache, she is very sorry about what happened. Thing between us seem to go to the right direction but she gave up my love for too long. She wish that we were like this before this might not happen. I just listened to her without saying a single word and went back to sleep.

Last Friday, while I was driving from picking up my daughter with my wife, she texted her OM back and forth for 20 mins. I pulled over at the gas station and sat outside the car drinking coffee for almost 30 mins. She came out to me ask what’s wrong. I told her if she want to text or talk to OM don’t do it in my car or our bedroom. I got in and drove home without talking to her til the end of the day.

Any suggestion on what should I do next? Please....

[anative]

Nothing much in past 10 days. We went to work, had lunch and dinner separately mostly, slept in different room. However, we had conversations at work but not a lot like used to.

She asked me to take a walk or go shopping with her almost everyday(I went sometime). She touched me when talked to me. When I went somewhere she asked to join. She looked at my Facebook to see if I talk to anyone. Also, if I spent money buying things she asked if I spent it for s.o.

However, she is still texting and talking to OM.

Why is she doing this?
Why is she concerning about me?
Is she picking the side? or she wants to keep both for now?

We all will go to Japan next week for a week. I don't want to ruin it. So, I will do what works for now. But after this trip...I don't know.

Please give me strength to stay in this game. Sometime I wonder what the he** am I doing here? I am doing thing that most people don't. I feel like I could give up anytime.