JMSTL thread-Part 5-What a beautiful GAL

[Maika]

Haha... not taking responsibility and not apologizing seem to be common traits. I got in a dumb thing with W too about kids schedule two weeks back and she could barely bring herself to say that she needed to be more proactive. No apology offered either. hehe. Honestly, it was kinda fascinating to watch how she couldn't understand that she screwed up too and it wasn't just my fault.

I like white boards too and I use one at work to map out all kindsa stuff. Really useful.

[Jmstl]

Haha... not taking responsibility and not apologizing seem to be common traits. I got in a dumb thing with W too about kids schedule two weeks back and she could barely bring herself to say that she needed to be more proactive. No apology offered either. hehe. Honestly, it was kinda fascinating to watch how she couldn't understand that she screwed up too and it wasn't just my fault.

I like white boards too and I use one at work to map out all kindsa stuff. Really useful.

Yeah.

I am learning that she just isn't trustworthy.

She seems to 'forget' a lot. So either she is A-lying or B-scatterbrained or C-both.

She has started making purchases on the joint CC again (I can't get my name off it bc her credit is too bad), so that is another conversation that needs to come up.

As for goals, I already started on the first one under career. I signed up for a professional development course in web development. Its $200, but I feel worth it to start moving my career one way or the other. Also reached out to some connections on Linkedin for some advice. We will see how it goes.

[Jmstl]

Well Friday was another night of her trying to gaslight me, and make it seem like I was the one who was wrong and crazy, for not 'communicating' about the drop off time. I mentioned that I had told her 3 times through written communication what time the drop off was. She insisted she was confused and even sometimes sat around waiting, and wanted an earlier time.

She brought up how it was wrong of me to call her out for not being there to receive the kids, as it was 'her time' and she could do what she wanted. I pointed out that they were MY children, not her parent's children, and that I should get a chance to keep them longer if she won't be there. She said if my parents were there in my stead, she wouldn't bat an eye. I pointed out that once again she was deflecting off the issue, and she got upset.

She said she did not want me going on the family trip that was planned for next year. I mentioned that I thought she and I would be in a better place in 10 months, and she responded "I'm not too sure about that". Then she mentioned her sister feeling awkward about it (I just talked to her sister, as I have done several times, and she insisted that she still wanted me to go and it wasn't a problem).

She lies to me about what should be small, minor things. I cannot trust anything that she says.

She said she didn't want put things like holiday and vacation schedules through the court. I told her it was for my protection, in case she gets nasty. She said she NEVER would get nasty. She has, she just does not accept it, and tries to reason her way out of it.

I was there almost 30 minutes. I finally looked at her and said, I understand where you are coming from. Try looking at everything from my perspective, and you will see why I am taking the actions that I am.

I told her I had somewhere I had to be soon. She threw her hands up, said whatever, then walked away.

Saturday, she texted and wanted to drop the kids off four hours early.

So last Sunday she wasn't home. This Sunday she drops them off early (I agreed to 2 hours early. More kid time, but she doesn't get everything she wants).

Pretty sure she was with OM#1 or #2. I don't think OM#3 is in town right now (I could be wrong though).

She did post pictures of my kids at our 'friends' house, (The one who lied and backstabbed me). That made me pretty upset.

Other than that, I barely thought of her at all.

I went to the Casino Friday, A festival and a hockey game Sat, and worked on the car and programming on Sunday.

Really good weekend overall

[sandi2]

I mentioned that I thought she and I would be in a better place in 10 months, and she responded "I'm not too sure about that".

What are you trying to do when you insert these type of statements to her?

The reason I ask is b/c I see LBH's do this a lot. It's like a promoter trying to get his plug in every chance he gets....or a salesman's pressuring technique......and it is a huge turnoff.

In cases with a WW, you should be the one saying you "aren't too sure you'll be in a better place in 10 months".....instead of her saying it. As long as you are telling her things similar, she is going to be determined to prove you wrong! Don't you get it? You are pursuing and putting pressure on her when you say this stuff.

If this is the hill you want to die on....then don't shoot yourself in the foot by suggesting you'll be in a good enough place to share a vacation with her family in 10 months. That was certainly not the time! Frankly, I think it is in poor taste to plan on going on a vacation with your in-laws, when you are ready to go to war over these type of issues. At least, keep it to yourself.


I am not saying you should or should not have called her out. I'm saying when you call her out, you need to present a figure who stands on principle. In this case, maintain a business style approach. If she brings up other things, keep to the subject at hand. To suggest you would be in a better place in 10 months to join in on a family vacation....takes away the the spot light on why you called her out. Her attention is on proving you wrong about the trip. See what I mean?

[Jmstl]

I mentioned that I thought she and I would be in a better place in 10 months, and she responded "I'm not too sure about that".

What are you trying to do when you insert these type of statements to her?

The reason I ask is b/c I see LBH's do this a lot. It's like a promoter trying to get his plug in every chance he gets....or a salesman's pressuring technique......and it is a huge turnoff.

In cases with a WW, you should be the one saying you "aren't too sure you'll be in a better place in 10 months".....instead of her saying it. As long as you are telling her things similar, she is going to be determined to prove you wrong! Don't you get it? You are pursuing and putting pressure on her when you say this stuff.

If this is the hill you want to die on....then don't shoot yourself in the foot by suggesting you'll be in a good enough place to share a vacation with her family in 10 months. That was certainly not the time! Frankly, I think it is in poor taste to plan on going on a vacation with your in-laws, when you are ready to go to war over these type of issues. At least, keep it to yourself.


I am not saying you should or should not have called her out. I'm saying when you call her out, you need to present a figure who stands on principle. In this case, maintain a business style approach. If she brings up other things, keep to the subject at hand. To suggest you would be in a better place in 10 months to join in on a family vacation....takes away the the spot light on why you called her out. Her attention is on proving you wrong about the trip. See what I mean?

Sandi, when I said that, I presented it in a business like manner. In that I did not want to go because of her. I only wanted to go because of my kids, and there is no reason we can't get along well enough to give them a good family vacation. My daughter is the one that wants me to go. I did not say it as in we would have a better realtionship.

I did not bring up not going on the vacation. Just last week she was encouraging me to go. Once again she flip flopped, likely because I put my foot down on her behavior.

Additionally, I am done trying to save the marriage, and I am actively looking forward to the divorce now.

She stated previously that therapy would show that she was not the person for me. She proved that one right with her attitude and disrespect.I deserve better.

[AnotherStander]

She said she did not want me going on the family trip that was planned for next year.

Serious question- why would you want to go?

I mentioned that I thought she and I would be in a better place in 10 months

Don't talk about the future. Sandi's rule #5: "Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject."

She said she didn't want put things like holiday and vacation schedules through the court. I told her it was for my protection, in case she gets nasty.

OK well I think the courts require that all the visitation be outlined in the decree, but of course what the two of you choose to do may or may not be reflected by what's in the decree. XW and I agreed before the D that we would be flexible with each other regardless of what was in the decree, and we have been. We talk about upcoming holidays and work it out in advance. For example, in the decree I think it says we switch every other Thanksgiving, but in actuality she usually takes the kids to her mom's on Thanksgiving eve and day and I take them to my mom's Thanksgiving night and the next day. So technically you're both right, it needs to be in the decree but you'll also need to have some flexibility in coordinating exact details together.

I'm not sure either of you have thought about this, but with your kids being 1 and 6, you have 17 years of this ahead of you! All I can say is try and be flexible with her because there will be times she needs it and times you need it.

Michele says in DR that when kids are involved, there's no such thing as D. I'm not sure any WAS really realizes just how true that is, as co-parents your lives are forever intertwined. She may dream of a new life with a clean break and a new OM but that's unrealistic.

[Jmstl]

She said she did not want me going on the family trip that was planned for next year.

Serious question- why would you want to go?

I mentioned that I thought she and I would be in a better place in 10 months

Don't talk about the future. Sandi's rule #5: "Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject."

She said she didn't want put things like holiday and vacation schedules through the court. I told her it was for my protection, in case she gets nasty.

OK well I think the courts require that all the visitation be outlined in the decree, but of course what the two of you choose to do may or may not be reflected by what's in the decree. XW and I agreed before the D that we would be flexible with each other regardless of what was in the decree, and we have been. We talk about upcoming holidays and work it out in advance. For example, in the decree I think it says we switch every other Thanksgiving, but in actuality she usually takes the kids to her mom's on Thanksgiving eve and day and I take them to my mom's Thanksgiving night and the next day. So technically you're both right, it needs to be in the decree but you'll also need to have some flexibility in coordinating exact details together.

I'm not sure either of you have thought about this, but with your kids being 1 and 6, you have 17 years of this ahead of you! All I can say is try and be flexible with her because there will be times she needs it and times you need it.

Michele says in DR that when kids are involved, there's no such thing as D. I'm not sure any WAS really realizes just how true that is, as co-parents your lives are forever intertwined. She may dream of a new life with a clean break and a new OM but that's unrealistic.

Why would I want to go?

My kids


I have been VERY flexible with her. I have taken the kids multiple times while she goes and does God knows what.

I was not trying to encourage talk about the future, as in a relationship with her. I said that I thought we would be in a better place in 10 months, not as in our relationship, but being able to get along as co-parents. She had even stated so, about a month ago, when she brought up the trip.

I told her I was done, and that I had moved on.

But in a way, I am relieved not to go. I would enjoy myself, but only for my kids. I think things will get better coparenting wise, but I can't even stand to look at her right now.

[Jmstl]

For the third time since July, she has brought up the schedule.

Hey- I am in no need to change anything but wanted to assess with you if you think the current every other day schedule is working well?


The other two times I stated I was very happy with the schedule and did not want to change it.

I am trying to not mind read this, but why are you asking again, after I specifically said I would tell you if there was an issue

So..
/forgetting/ when drop off time is
not being available to receive kids
wanting to drop them off 4 hours early
hinting at wanting to change the schedule.


So either A. she wants to make sure the schedule is good before it becomes final, or B. She wants to change it and is trying to feel me out, or C. some other reason I don't know of (BC I am not trying to mind read)

[doodler]

I choose C. Some other totally illogical reason you don't know of and that you couldn't imagine in your wildest dreams.

[Jmstl]

Sitting outside the courtroom right now.
I feel like I am going to vomit.
Emotionally, I have pretty damned good at detaching. But after 9 years 364 days of marriage, I am about to be divorced. I know I can and will get through this, but I am nearly overwhelmed with anger and sadness right now. Hopefully the day will get better.

I am really looking forward to my trip tomorrow.