24 Mths in..I gotta whole lot of living to do now

[rd500]

Hi Irish , understandable that the post stung however ir is what it is and things like this mean nothing in the grand scheme.

Always great to read about the magical bond between you and your Ds. They knew a family life with Exw and you but they now know they have a rock in you that will always and forever be there for them. You show them with actions how a parent protects their children through times of adversity. You stood and still stand tall and will continue to do so. Be very proud of yourself because your dealing with exw and all that it entails is beyond alot of people. ( me included )

Stay strong, Rd

[Irish M]

Hi Bttrfly, Job, Roist and Rd.
You are all right. its not my circus. I was upset and it hit a sore spot. This week I was quite busy. Budgets and planning for 2018. Putting out workplace fires between staff. But I didn't dwell on the obituary.

It was gone the moment I vented here. good thing. Great place to be.

Weather has been summer like this past week and the weekend looks to be the same. I'll try to leave the drone at home and go back to the old times of just using the Nikon camera. Lets see what I can capture.

Wishing you all a great weekend.

Irish

[Gordie]

Irish,

As always, you inspire me with how you make the best of a situation no one would ever want or imagine.

[bttrfly]

Hi Irish, glad you felt better after posting here. That's why we're here, hugs xoxoxo

YES! Break out the camera and go old school!

[Irish M]

Happy saturday everyone.

Well. XW is holding strong to her plan. Lets just say its been a weird past 24hours

It all started with a message from someone i confided in over 12 years ago. When XW first did this pre MLC act.
Hi Irish. It's been a long time. Are you divorced?
What happened?
Now this person is not a friend on facebook and it made me go and reconfigure my privacy features on Fb. With all the updates and changes over the years certain things are visible. This was a person i met out of town at a good moment when i needed someone to reassure me I was not nuts. She was single, i was Db'd

Yes i'm divorced. Things happen. All is good now though.

And the girls. they ok. is it like what happened 12 years ago?

Yes very similar but on a bigger scale. I have the girls full time.

OMG. she doesn't try to see them at all? Anyway the girls look just like you , they will be fine. If they are anything like you that strength will carry them through

Then I started questioning her motives in my head. Why after all these years reach out. I looked at her profile. She is married now (i'm glad). Her husband has the same last name as OM. Bingo. the world is a small place. I might be over thinking it, weird just the same.

So Iblocked blocked and blocked. I don't need that drama in my life.


So I'm working from home yesterday and I get my confirmation from an AirBnb I rented (had to change a mid Oct trip to a next weekend trip). I prepare the government form that I have to fill out to send to XW to inform her that I am taking the girls out of the country.
I send it off. receive a simple reply Thanks

Moments go by and another message comes in.
My dad ashes will be buried next weekend (name of he cemetery)

I reply a simple thank you.

message comes back.You know you don't have to advise me anymore. I don't want to hear from you. I will wait until the girls turn 30 so they will reach out to me.


I have to message you by law to advise you that I am out of the country with them . you have 2 options.

1- block my emails or send them to spam. I don't care. I just need proof i sent them, no proof needed that you read them. You can't prevent me from going or them. It is only to advise you.

2- Simply reply thanks.

I don't accept your plan of waiting until they are 30 and maybe by then they will reach out. The girls deserve more from you. They won't accept anything less. Have a good day

Get your head out of your a$$ and start being the mom you once were. Not for me but for them.


It was at that point I shut down my laptop. I will not look at any replies from her until Tuesday night. I have a lot happening this weekend and I really can't be bothered.

Yesterday I got my camera out. Chinese garden had huge dragon made out of lantern material. Some in the water. Got thee late so I was limited on the photos. So many people there. Darn tourist.

hope you all have a great weekend.

Irish

[bttrfly]

wow.
just WOW. so you think OM instigated the contact from the woman from 12 years ago? or eew did because she now knows these people through OM?

That is just ... bizarre!

Glad you changed your settings. Good move, I think.

So ... I'm going to just say it, and hope you understand I'm saying this gently and with loving kindness, because you are my friend and if friends can't be honest then who can?

My prayer for you mon ami is that you find a way to extricate yourself from being in the middle, advocating for what you think the relationship should be with the girls and eew. Eew fired you from that job. What she does or does not choose to do with the girls is on her and up to her. Yes, you are their dad, and a superb dad at that, but now that you've had your say it's best to leave the laptop closed. Do you know what I mean here? Of course the girls deserve more. Everyone deserves more. Sadly MLC has taught me this about life: we do not get what we deserve.

Love the girls, be the amazing father you are to them. Keep on giving them reasons to believe that there are good men out there.

You don't need to run interference with eew and the girls unless the girls explicitly ask you too. This is just my opinion. I could be wrong. I don't want to hurt your feelings or upset you. I'm simply saying gently to drop the rope on this one, so you can focus on what's truly important: you and the girls and your lives post D xoxoxoxoxo

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Irish M]Happy saturday everyone.

Well. XW is holding strong to her plan. Lets just say its been a weird past 24hours


So I'm working from home yesterday and I get my confirmation from an AirBnb I rented (had to change a mid Oct trip to a next weekend trip). I prepare the government form that I have to fill out to send to XW to inform her that I am taking the girls out of the country.
I send it off. receive a simple reply Thanks


message comes back.You know you don't have to advise me anymore. I don't want to hear from you. I will wait until the girls turn 30 so they will reach out to me.


*I have to message you by law to advise you that I am out of the country with them . you have 2 options.

1- block my emails or send them to spam. I don't care. I just need proof i sent them, no proof needed that you read them. You can't prevent me from going or them. It is only to advise you.

2- Simply reply thanks.

I don't accept your plan of waiting until they are 30 and maybe by then they will reach out. The girls deserve more from you. They won't accept anything less. Have a good day

Get your head out of your a$$ and start being the mom you once were. Not for me but for them.


Irish,
If the law requires you to inform her, that's all that was needed. The rest of this^^^ is you saying hurtful things to a woman who is keenly aware that her r's with her kids is bad.

Your comments only serve to hinder any attempts she may wish to make to re-establish contact with them now or in the future.

Surely if guilting her was an effective strategy it would have worked by now. Dig deep and ask yourself what your goal in those comments really was.

She rents a lot of space in your head and you lashed out at her - maybe b/c she said she did not want to hear from you. But I'm not surprised she does not want to hear from you, given this^^^ interchange.

I think she is compelled to open your emails, b/c something notable or bad may have happened to the girls. And I think you know this.

So your jabs just look vindictive on your end and they are beneath you, don't you think?

There is a DB principle that says "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth."

While there may be no hope for a recon between you and your x wife, I don't think you need to put any more boulders on her road back to the kids.

My h has not seen our kids in a year, ignored their birthdays & cut off the college tuition in our d20's 3rd year of college. (He still claims it as a huge expense of his, which takes some nerve).

But I swear If my h told me that he was going to "wait till they turn 30" and then they'd be in contact,
I would thank God.

My biggest fear is that he no longer cares and plans no future contact, whereas your w clearly does care, and however feeble her "plan" is, it exist.

Of course I know how badly your kids' mom has failed them. Their mom knows it too, and even if she did not, no comments like your above would wake her up.

I think we both know you are better than that.

How do you think you can structure future exchanges to either assist in their reconciliation - or at least not make it harder?

[25yearsmlc]

I hope your d's attend the ashes interment

I am one of 9 kids. When my mother died, all 4 former spouses attended her funeral and even my sister's former father in law attended. They shared grandchildren.

It was a great testament to my mother and showed that the former spouses could rise above their animosity towards their estranged spouses, to honor the decedent. And my mom was the grandmother of many.

If your FIL was a good man, what was your reasoning not attending? And why didn't the girls?

My soon to be former FIL is ill. He was in my life longer than my own dad.

I assume I'll attend his funeral when he passes away, unless I am asked not to.

And my kids will be there if I have to fly them out myself.

Guess I missed part of the thread that explains your reasoning on this.

You liked the man, right?

[Irish M]

wow.
just WOW. so you think OM instigated the contact from the woman from 12 years ago? or eew did because she now knows these people through OM?

Hi Bttrfly.
no clue.. it just felt off so better avoid. OM is from the same town as this woman's husband so it makes it very weird.

My prayer for you mon ami is that you find a way to extricate yourself from being in the middle, advocating for what you think the relationship should be with the girls and eew. Eew fired you from that job.

Yes I know I was fired. She didnt fire me from being a protective dad and wanting the girls to have a healthy relationship with their mom. It doesn't mean I can't want to best for them. I feel and hear their struggle dealing with their mom or lack of her. From morning talks about nightmares they have to the fear they share about having the same DNA as her. They continuously ask if they will repeat this as she and the grandmother both did it.

. you have 2 options.

1- block my emails or send them to spam. I don't care. I just need proof i sent them, no proof needed that you read them. You can't prevent me from going or them. It is only to advise you.

2- Simply reply thanks.

I don't accept your plan of waiting until they are 30 and maybe by then they will reach out. The girls deserve more from you. They won't accept anything less. Have a good day

Get your head out of your a$$ and start being the mom you once were. Not for me but for them.

Irish,
If the law requires you to inform her, that's all that was needed. The rest of this^^^ is you saying hurtful things to a woman who is keenly aware that her r's with her kids is bad.

Hi 25yrs

My points were to merely point out to her that she has no choice to receive these emails from me until the girls are 18.

Choice 1 was giving her the option to forward them to spam. I need to send them. Her saying she doesn't want them is too bad for her. i am obeying the law here.

Choice 2 was she can just reply thank you. I don't need a reply. Her comment is hurtful. Why is it ok for her to always say hurtful things to me.

not sure where you see that I was mean to her. Telling her like it is. Too bad if it stings her.
How do you know she is keenly aware that her r's with her kids is bad. Nobody knows

I'm at the point where I don't want to pave the perfect road for her back to me. I've done enough paving

I don't accept her letting the girls reach 30 before them trying anything.
I can't and won't do anything about it. I was simply saying i don't accept that as an answer. It's pathetic. I won't sugar coat it so I don't upset this woman.

Your comments only serve to hinder any attempts she may wish to make to re-establish contact with them now or in the future.

I see my comments as justified and clear to the point that she can chose what to do. i don`t have to accept it . I don't need to follow her rules anymore.

Surely if guilting her was an effective strategy it would have worked by now. Dig deep and ask yourself what your goal in those comments really was.

Not my goal at all. Not sure how you saw that as such.

She rents a lot of space in your head and you lashed out at her - maybe b/c she said she did not want to hear from you. But I'm not surprised she does not want to hear from you, given this^^^ interchange.

Again. she has no choice if I travel with them . It`s up to her to keep her comments to herself. I was simply informing her.

I think she is compelled to open your emails, b/c something notable or bad may have happened to the girls. And I think you know this.

So your jabs just look vindictive on your end and they are beneath you, don't you think?

You seem to think for my XW. How do we know what she thought of my message back to her. If it looked like a jab my last comment about her getting her head out of her a$$ well sorry. But that`s what she needs to do.

There is a DB principle that says "Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth."

While there may be no hope for a recon between you and your x wife, I don't think you need to put any more boulders on her road back to the kids.

Yes I know this rule. I followed it for over a year and a half. Until I finally realized that she is lost. 3 years of 7 years. There is no coming back for her from this. The girls will chose that for themselves later in life. Me trying to be nice guy is over.

My h has not seen our kids in a year, ignored their birthdays & cut off the college tuition in our d20's 3rd year of college. (He still claims it as a huge expense of his, which takes some nerve).

But I swear If my h told me that he was going to "wait till they turn 30" and then they'd be in contact,
I would thank God.

I`m so sorry you H is a missing in action dad.
My XW over 2 years, empty messages, blame and entitlement. Her plan, I don`t see that as a good thing. My girls will hold a grudge if this goes on until then. 2 years is enough damage to them, their lives are forever changed. They blame any bad thing on her. Adding to their resentment . I get a flat.. they blame her. You see why I wont accept her answer, her plan. I will have nothing to do with it and I will call her out on it if I have to. I don`t have to accept it.

My biggest fear is that he no longer cares and plans no future contact, whereas your w clearly does care, and however feeble her "plan" is, it exist.

How do you know she cares? She clearly doesn't if she continues her new life without them. She is a dead beat.

Of course I know how badly your kids' mom has failed them. Their mom knows it too, and even if she did not, no comments like your above would wake her up.

Again how do you know. I don't even assume that. My comment wasnt meant to wake her up. That won;t happen . I won't try.



Why should I be Mr.nice guy all the time. Its been 2.2 years and it has done nothing. Maybe mrs MLC teen like brat needs to be told to smarten up.
Is it a tactic to wake her up. Not at all. It's me saying it like it is. For her to take it or not. I am no way DBing.

I hope your d's attend the ashes interment

If your FIL was a good man, what was your reasoning not attending? And why didn't the girls?

Guess I missed part of the thread that explains your reasoning on this.

You liked the man, right?

Was he a good man. yes. A broken LBS'r. Went into depression when XW mom did this to him. He never recovered and never worked again. Drifted off into major health problems.

The girls didn't want to see their mom and OM. They didn't want to see anyone of her family because not one of them has reached out to them over these past 2 years.

We saw FIl a few months back in better days. That is what they want to remember him as. No need to see him bloated and strapped to machines.

We will visit his grave site once he is buried.



Sorry if this post is defensive but I think I might of not explained myself right in my last one.

Irish

[25yearsmlc]

yes Irish

it's a defensive post.

You are renting a lot of space to your ex wife.

Trying to "wake her up" with an insult (yes telling her to "get her head out of her ass" IS insulting.) And it is not going to help.

Irish, sometimes we bang our heads against the wall, and sometimes we don't.

Sometimes You really GAL and I'm impressed with your parenting. Really. I just don't think this was your finest hour and I don't want to see you spiral or hurt the few efforts your w makes.

I don't agree with your choice not to attend the FIL's funeral, but that's not my choice. I get that! We can agree to disagree.

Back to the email -
If your only responsibility is to send your w an email to comply with the court, nothing else you said after informing her of the trip was needed. So what if she says she does not want to hear from you? (You don't have to open her emails either. You have choices.)

Why is it okay for her to say hurtful things to you? It's not. I did not say it was. The dynamic between you in that email exchange was simply not a healthy one.

No you don't need to keep the road home to You paved/smooth. It's just a DB tenet my DB coach gave me. I assume it can be applied to the r's with the children and their parents. Why not do that?

My guess is that a belated mediocre relationship between them, is better than what exists now.

No, I do not think you can wake her up. Maybe time will.

As for You saying you "don't accept her plan" for a later r with the girls.... Look, I know this is hard to hear, but It's not yours to accept. It's not a triangle R anymore if it ever was.

It's a 2 way r between them and their mom. Believe me, I've struggled as the middleman in that dynamic and one upside to the divorce (and that's a hard thing to say) is that I don't need to anymore. H is on his own. I sure won't hinder any efforts he makes, if he does. And I do not bad mouth him. I also counter the kids' negatives about h with "he's still your dad and always will be." And when pressed I mention his work ethic and intelligence and a wealth of knowledge.

I don't have to add in that I confused those^^ traits with his having character.


As I said, you are renting her a lot of space...