Oh man. Well first of all, sorry you find yourself here!
Second, wow you've been all over the place and switching directions constantly. Just settle down, this is a MARATHON not a sprint. It's going to take a long, long time to resolve this. You're talking at least many months if not a year or more. It didn't happen overnight even though it seems like it to you. And it's not going to be fixed overnight either.
Third, you shouldn't have moved out. She wants to break up the M and have a fling, SHE should move out. That house is your kids' home, it is their safe place in this time of turmoil. Why should YOU be inconvenienced by finding a (probably much smaller) place to live and why should YOU deal with having to take your kids to a strange place that is NOT home? Answer- you shouldn't. If at all possible move back home. Your W should be the one "inconvenienced" by her desire to leave the M. I'm not saying kick her out, legally you can't. But don't leave the house. I've read too many sitches here where the LBS leaves the house and the WAS promptly moves OM in. Picture that, on top of everything else she's got an OM living in YOUR house with YOUR kids.
Please read DR, it's your roadmap. Also get a DB coach if you can afford it, they are awesome. Quit pursuing her, quit talking about D, remove all pressure. Read Sandi's rules several times a day and follow them as best you can:
Whatever you do don't leave your house. If you think you feel bad now, then seeing OM in and out of the house. Spending more time with children than you will definitely mess with your head. Especially if your still paying the mortgage.
Mother who died young? Check Inappropriate gym relations? Check
You are not alone. And yes, move back in. You are making this way too easy on her.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
As of right now the OM isn't really an affair. I'm not sure just how far the relationship has progressed with him. He is part of her circle of new friends from the gym. He is a single father of a 7yr old girl and he has his own home. All but one of her closest friends even knows about him and as far as I know it has just been an emotional connection. He is providing the fun times that she has been missing out on with me. Obviously I dont like where it is headed but I really doubt she would move anyone in unless we were divorced. She would be so frowned on by each of our families and she knows the kids would not stay with her. She doesn't want a divorce by the way, I guess im a backup plan or something because she doesn't love me anymore. I think she's afraid to lose the family or is holding on to a tiny bit of hope that there may still be something between us. But it is killing me to just sit back and wait while she is out having a good time with her new found friends that I am not allowed to be a part of. I am getting some real quality time with my kids though since this weekend will be the 4th in a row that I get them all to myself and we make the most of it. It's disturbing that she is so eager to give them up each weekend considering during the week she really doesnt spend much time with them. She works an hour before school starts so the neighbors take them to school. I pick them up from school at 330 and help them with their homework and have them read to me. I drop them off at the house around 5 when she is home from work and she takes them to the gym where they go to daycare for 2 hours. She takes them home around 8 and they go to bed at 9. She literally spends an hour with them each day and even that time is mostly spent on her phone or making dinner...its not real quality time. No wonder they love seeing me. Anyway, its disturbing. She's not the same woman she was just a few months ago and I would love to have that woman back!
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
Sorry, I think you have to assume the worst, that your w is having a PA with this dude. Every evening and weekend with "gym friends"?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sorry, I think you have to assume the worst, that your w is having a PA with this dude. Every evening and weekend with "gym friends"?
yes, every night she goes to the gym and works out. She is enrolled in various classes. She doesn't do anything with the group afterwards or anything since she has the kids and needs to get them back home. I know of a few instances that she has hung out with them on the weekends, like boating and such. Not sure about the night life. She hasn't brought anyone back to our home. Another thorn in the whole thing is she has a close friend from High School that is going through a divorce and this seems to be the only friend she now communicates with and Im sure her friend would love to see her new found friend divorced too so they could have so much fun together. She lives in our old town a few hours away but she is supposed to be coming in to town this weekend to hang out.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
The sooner you can get your on life, the better your success will be. Please read up on GAL. You are in assume mode. You dont have facts. Your wife is not he woman you married at this point. We subscribe to assume the worst on here so you can prepare yourself if it comes to that. I have 4 boys, I GAL as much as possible. I have lost almost 40 pounds and I'm cutting up. My wife is looking. Become a person only a fool would leave. Make it hard on ypur wife to make a decision. Its going to be hard work. Your mental state will need sometime, but the faster you start, IMO the faster you can get back to a focused mind.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
The sooner you can get your on life, the better your success will be. Please read up on GAL. You are in assume mode. You dont have facts. Your wife is not he woman you married at this point. We subscribe to assume the worst on here so you can prepare yourself if it comes to that. I have 4 boys, I GAL as much as possible. I have lost almost 40 pounds and I'm cutting up. My wife is looking. Become a person only a fool would leave. Make it hard on ypur wife to make a decision. Its going to be hard work. Your mental state will need sometime, but the faster you start, IMO the faster you can get back to a focused mind.
Ive been working on myself physically for the last 5 weeks. I enrolled back in Boxing, something i used to do in college. Ive lost 20 lbs and am looking much more like the days when we got married. My emotional self however is just now starting to get worked on. Some days are better than others. I had a great day yesterday and half of today was pretty good but for no reason at all, the 2nd half of today hasn't been so good and my mind just keeps wandering. I hate it.
Me: 43 Wife: 37 2 Kids: (8yr old B, 5yr old G) OM Discovered Mid Aug '17
The wandering mind will happen from time to time. Detaching helps with that. Do you go to church?
Detaching has helped me a lot in not thing about the outcome, trying to control my W or her decisions and with me becoming happier. No other person controls your happiness. When you become authentically happy, W will notice. You can't make another person happy if you are not happy yourself. Also, no other person wants to be with a person that is sad, moody, needy, this are unattractive traits. Become attractive. Do attractive things.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
