JMSTL thread-Part 5-What a beautiful GAL

[joejoe1]

Jmstl,

I agree with Ben and AS, she gave you things you can 180. I would start working one those. Becoming optimistic and positive are attractive qualities.

[Jmstl]

You know, I think this was the first time AS managed to offend me.

I get this sense that you (and others here in their own threads) take everything your W says as meaningless garbage. That's probably how you acted in the M too- you didn't respect her. So now here you are, more convinced than ever that she has nothing valuable to say. LISTEN to what she says. Do 180's on the things you can.

I have never, once ever took anything she said as meaningless garbage. Everything she has/had to say has meaning and value, even when I disagreed with it. I never discounted her opinion, and in fact, as I have come to find out, I overvalued her opinions, to the detriment of my own.

Would I gripe to her about work? Sure, maybe once a week I would complain about something minor. I got dumped on about work stuff almost every day. Nearly every day I would get multiple texts about how she didn't like this person, or her employees weren't performing, etc.

I would always try to validate her frustration and affirm that she was extremely talented at her job and that every office is going to have politics and frustrations.

The reason I asked the question, was this was a question STRAIGHT OUT OF THE BOOK!

Being specific. Drilling down to the exact reason things are the way they are. I asked what my being happy would look like, because SHE said THAT was an Issue. She wants me to be happy. OK, how will YOU know that I am happy?

Will I smile more? Will my tone change? how about my posture.

I am met with, "You can just tell"...That, is a cop out. There must be some sort of external sign (Smiling, hand holding, etc) That indicates to you that a couple is happy, the people are happy.

I know what being happy and healthy looks like to ME. But I want to know how SHE will know.

It had nothing to do with me not taking the lead, and had everything to do with asking for specific answers to one of the problems she laid out.

My attitude has 180'd.

I don't discuss anything negative with her. I am not involved in politics anymore, I don't complain about the price of gas (Things she said I would talk a lot about. I didn't but these were identified, so it must be important to her to have stuck.
Bear in mind, this is also a woman who held on to a comment that I don't even remember from the very first months of our relationship)

Benni. I am not asking her to advise me on anything.

The questions I asked were in the beginning of the S, at the time when she had told me she wanted to rebuild the marriage.

Since I could never get any level of specifics on what I needed to change (I'm not meeting your emotional needs? Can you lay out how I am /not/ doing that so I can be better about it? was met with "I'm not going to list a bunch of things and say you aren't that person") I taking the general vague answers that I got and seeing how they apply to me.

Oh, you think I am a negative person? Let me reflect on what makes me feel negative, and eliminate those things from my life.

[Jmstl]

Jmstl,

I agree with Ben and AS, she gave you things you can 180. I would start working one those. Becoming optimistic and positive are attractive qualities.

I am optimistic and positive.

I try to make every interaction with her as pleasant as possible.

[joejoe1]

Jmstl,

I'm trying to understand what you are asking. From what I perceived you wanted specifics from your wife on what you needed to do to show her you are happy. But what is trying to be conveyed to you is that, you have to become happy and your wife will notice. A unhappy person can smile and laugh. People can tell if a person is truly happy, and that's the message here. If you truly become happy, you won't have to tell any person, not even your wife, everyone will notice.

[Jmstl]

Jmstl,

I'm trying to understand what you are asking. From what I perceived you wanted specifics from your wife on what you needed to do to show her you are happy. But what is trying to be conveyed to you is that, you have to become happy and your wife will notice. A unhappy person can smile and laugh. People can tell if a person is truly happy, and that's the message here. If you truly become happy, you won't have to tell any person, not even your wife, everyone will notice.

In the very beginning of the S, I tried to applied the techniques from the book, and tried to ask for specific actions, so that solutions could be developed to address those issue.

It was either in the book or one of MWD's talks that specifically addressed the whole 'I want you to be happy' issue and how that was extremely vague, and to get more specific.

I don't ask her what I need to do now. She is done. She has stated that NO MATTER WHAT I DO, she is done. Completely done and never coming back.

So I don't ask her, how will you know I am happy. I am doing what makes me happy. I have 180'd my negative attitude, and almost everyone that spends any time around me has noticed it.

The problem I have right now, is showing W my positive attitude, while at the same time giving her 'something to miss' by being short on words, etc.

So I have been monitoring, and I need to adjust my approach, and find what works best.

[joejoe1]

Jmstl,

I understand better now. I'm on the same path. I will continue to DB, GAL, and 180. I have come to a point, where I don't care if my wife notice, (well I do a little), but my focus is not on it. It's become more of a focus on me and my boys.

[Jmstl]

I think that is the problem joe. Trying to strike that balance between not caring, and caring. If we did not care at all, we wouldn't even be trying to DB, right?

[joejoe1]

Jm,

You are right, striking that balance I know is a key ingredient. We were discussing the LL and 180s yesterday and how they are opposite of each other.

But I also think, that our Ws know we care, we have told them on too many occasions already. I'm of the mindset, that they have to fully be of the mindset that they are losing us. The only way is tough love.

Caring: displaying kindness and concern for others. We can do these things and still fully detach. We can be kind, we can show concern, when concern is truly needed. Each Sitch is different, but a total lost IMO must be felt. It's hard to put a person you love in this position.

I don't know if you are a Christian, but the story of the Prodigal son comes to mind in this situation. One key area and I will highlight is what I know our spouses must have.

Verse 17 is what we need to happen to our WW. This type of behavior has been going on for centuries and the same process has to happen on both ends.

The Parable of the Lost Son
11 Jesus continued: “There was a man who had two sons. 12 The younger one said to his father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property between them.

13 “Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

17 “When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

21 “The son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’

22 “But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23 Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. 24 For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.

[Jmstl]

Thanks JJ. Yes I am. The parable is pretty appropriate. I had actually forgotten about this one, As most of my reading had been focused in say 1 Corinthians and some Philippians.


Last night was a pretty light, but enjoyable GAL. Went and had some burritos with a friend, and then we just hung out and watched TV.

Didn't discuss W at all, but she did send a few kid related messages. Every time I seem to clear her from my head for a bit, she messages me. Almost as if she KNOWS.

[TBSakaJ9]

How many burritos can you eat?