WAW? Would Love Opinions. Thanks! Part 5

[LH19]

Or are you fearful of the unknown, how your kids will turn out, can you financially afford a divorce?

Fear, I think I know it, just don't want to admit it. I remember at times not being happy myself in our R I just didn't have the tools at that time to understand how to deal with it.

The same thing happened to me before I had my kids. Once I had kids I made the decision (based a lot on my mom's views) it's no longer about me it's about the kids/family.

I would see other couples interacting with one another and could just see the happiness in their eyes and I would be envious of them.

My wife's and I relationship was ok but I never felt a total deep connection and just assumed it was the norm. Especially because my closest friends are all unhappily married.

That's why when I read Accuray's post it spoke to me so deeply.

[TBSakaJ9]

LH......what was the post from Accuracy?

My W and I are 2 totally different people and what she valued in me when we first got married was my stability and she always knew I would love her no matter what. What I valued in her was her ability to open my eyes to an entire different way of thinking and views on life.

I guess we never grew together or what ultimately attracted us to one another in the beginning eventually drove us a part.

[joejoe1]

J9,

I think you wife was trying to tell you, she likes a man that takes control. She wants a man who takes a risk, and looks for a little adventure. If you really think you can't do those things, then she might not be the one for you. But if you truly love your wife, you will make a few changes for her. Take a risk, do something you will have done before. I play basketball as well. My wife tried to tell I was the safe choice as well. That's a cop out. Go jump out of a plane. Make her freakin head turn. But if you are truly not into those things, and your aren't will to compromise, then you might ever make each other happy.

[Jmstl]

The only thing she said was I needed to be more of a leader but didn't elaborate on what that entailed. She told me I was happy and content but she was not. She also indicated that I did not challenge her to be a better person. Told me I was a safe choice.

My W is the kind of person that is always trying new things and when she tries something she jumps in feet first, with her entire body. They are important to her at the time (she always has to have her mind occupied with something) but when whatever she is currently working on fizzles out/runs its course/is finished she is off to the next thing. I envy her for it because she is very talented in that regard and is not afraid to put herself out there. My W openly says she is a very complicated individual.

I on the other hand am just a happy and content person that doesn't have a need to pursue those type of things. I am perfectly content hitting the gym, playing sports, watching my D's play sports, etc. Doing a little bit of travel here and there. Going to work just living life.

I think she felt like I was stagnant in life.

J9, I know exactly how you feel. Frequently I would get told that I wasn't leading like I should be (Which is her opinion, bc I led, just in a different way)

As far as challenging her to be a better person, sometimes that can come from challenging yourself to be a better person. Life is a series of constant changes. And to not allow yourself to change is to deny growth and opportunity. I sort of see it as a keeping up with the Jones' mindset.

My W always wanted me to evolve and grow. She said she felt like she was dragging me along however, and that I did not want to grow. I did grow, although admittedly not in the ways she had desired, nor with the speed in which she wanted it to happen.

But my growth has happened exponentially since the S.

[LH19]

Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?

The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.

When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

[TBSakaJ9]

I think you wife was trying to tell you, she likes a man that takes control

I think that is where the communication would help because in order to take control she would need to be willing to give up some control. We never really discussed things on a deeper level which would have to change moving forward. I also feel like I do take control in some areas however it may not be in-line with what her expectations are. Hence the need for better communication.

Before she moved out I did ask her what she needed from me. She couldn't articulate it but said she knows I would never be able to do it.

She wants a man who takes a risk, and looks for a little adventure. If you really think you can't do those things, then she might not be the one for you. But if you truly love your wife, you will make a few changes for her. Take a risk, do something you will have done before.

I am willing to try but I have no desire to jump out of a plane . Not sure where or how to get started because this stuff is supposed to be for me not her correct?

I have changed my appearance quite significantly . I have been working for the same company for almost 20 years but make really good money. So I do think about that and is that a perception because I haven't moved around professionally to different companies taking risks.

I want to make sure I do it for myself and to not give the perception it is for her.

[TBSakaJ9]

Why are you doing it? Why are you so obsessed with W? You were in a relationship with a woman who wasn't meeting your needs, who would irrationally blame you for anything that went wrong. Why is that a prize worth making the focus of your waking attention?

The reason is that you are grasping to re-establish a feeling of control over your life.

When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.

That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!

You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.

Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.

With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.

Thanks man.....I saved it to my desktop, it's so true.

Knowing all this what prevented you from filing for D yourself?

[TBSakaJ9]

J9, I know exactly how you feel. Frequently I would get told that I wasn't leading like I should be (Which is her opinion, bc I led, just in a different way)

I think it is all about communication of which I thought I was a good communicator but after coming to this board realized I was not.

As far as challenging her to be a better person, sometimes that can come from challenging yourself to be a better person. Life is a series of constant changes. And to not allow yourself to change is to deny growth and opportunity. I sort of see it as a keeping up with the Jones' mindset.

My W always wanted me to evolve and grow. She said she felt like she was dragging me along however, and that I did not want to grow. I did grow, although admittedly not in the ways she had desired, nor with the speed in which she wanted it to happen.

I really didn't know any better. I was just cruising along in life and never new that this was important to her. Again I think it falls back to communication. Most of us just go to work, take care of the kids, maybe go out to dinner here and there but have little time for anything else. I just thought that is what we are supposed to do. I guess my W needed something more of which I can't provide to her.

[joejoe1]

J9,

GALing is for you. But 180s are for you wife. You have been working at the same job for 20 years. Do you love your job? Is there a career that you really wanted?

Also, I asked my wife the same thing, what can I do different, and her answer was you should know. Basically, you wife don't want to tell what you need to do, as you say gain control. If you just want her to give you control, it won't work. You have to do the things that make her want to give you control. That's what you ultimately want right for her to want to give you control?

You don't have to jump off of planes, my point was try new things. Be a little adventurous. If you want your wife.

[LH19]

I couldn't walk out on my kids.

Never thought she would actually go through with it and she was going through some sort of a phase/crisis.

Even though I am detached and ready to move on I still believe if she became 100% committed we could have a pretty good marriage.

Having said that I think too much damage has been done.