Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

Time for a long post, or as I call it, "Free therapy".

Here are 2 recent text interactions that show how my W is trying to rattle my cage and use her anger to control me.

This first scenario happened while I was at work:

W: I need a copy of your most recent paycheck

(Notice how she didn't ask?)

Me: Why

W: Need it for legal stuff

Me: For the divorce?

W: Yes

(I quickly emailed my lawyer, and she said not to provide it to my W.)

Me: My lawyer will take care of my pay stubs

W: Thanks for your cooperation

W: From now on any paper work you request from me can go through the attorney

W: You will be in charge of setting up October bills since I have done the last 2 months.

(I never responded.)

On to the second scenario. W's laptop has been acting up. In the past I always fixed her computer, but she brought it to the computer store to have them look at it. While I was cutting the grass today she texted me:

W: Take a look at your external hard drive and tell me the last time we backed up my laptop. My hard drive is unrecoverable

(Notice how, once again, this is phrased as a command.)

Me: Sorry to hear. I'm cutting the grass right now

Me: Also if you'd like me to do something for you, you need to ask me, not tell me

(We've secretly replaced a NG husband with one who sets boundaries and will not tolerate being barked at. Let's see if she notices.)

W: Jesus Christ

W: Shut up

W: Forget I texted you

(Again, I never responded.)

Both these interactions remind me of the old joke - Why does divorce cost so much? Because it's worth it!

[Gordie]

Good job at responding calmly but firmly and not responding to her temper tantrums

[Maika]

Love it! Reading these posts helps me strangle the NG in me every day.

[joejoe1]

Holding,

Great job at staying firm and not losing your cool in the process.

Joejoe1

[Holding]

Thanks guys!

[Treasur]

Goodness me, like a child. Not even a teenager. You did well, holding.

[Holding]

I managed to look through the trash bags of art and crafting supplies W was throwing out. There were several pieces of artwork and notes from our kids that I wanted to keep. Going through the bags and looking at everything made me an emotional mess. It also made me realize that my kids (especially S14) have always preferred me, and my W was always jealous and resentful of me for that.

At one point I was kind of absently ranting at W and crying, and S14 walked in (he had been asleep) and asked who I was talking to and what was wrong. I had to quickly pull myself together.

Something I've been thinking about: Should I tell W that I intend to try to keep the house in the D? It will be so much easier for the kids, even if it's a financial hardship for me. My keeping it also hinges on my ability to get child support payments from W (who makes more than me). If I tell her, it might motivate her to move out, although she said she wasn't planning to move until the house is sold. So do y'all think I should tell her?

[dusty70]

holding, I am in the same boat with the house as you know. The W had proposed some co-owning the home scenario after divorce to stabilize the kids and we would be the ones that move in and out when we had the kids. I said no because its a terrible idea. IMO I wouldn't tell your wife your intentions yet, I did the same thing and she had the house market valued $25,000 above what I can get for it, coincidentally that is the same value as one of her 401k funds!

[doodler]

It also made me realize that my kids (especially S14) have always preferred me, and my W was always jealous and resentful of me for that.

I had the very same experience. My sons always preferred me and they still do. They'll find any excuse to come see me.

Something I've been thinking about: Should I tell W that I intend to try to keep the house in the D?

Don't tell her until you talked with a lawyer. I purposely waited until mediation to let my wife know about the house and it worked in my favor, but I think that's situation dependent.

I hope you can keep your house. I kept mine and the pets stayed with me as well. Home is still home and I know it makes my sons happy that they can still come to the home they know and love.

[Holding]

Thanks Dusty and Doodler. Your advice has helped me to lean toward not telling her.

Dusty, I do remember that strange cohabiting proposal your W wanted - what a horror! I'm a little confused though. Did you tell your W that you wanted to keep the house?

Doodler, I have talked to my L. She said I'm free to discuss the house sitch with my W, as long as I don't fight with her. But I think it may be in my best interest to keep it to myself.