Finding my way out of the dark - Part 3

[Holding]

You should've offered to ride her to the store.

I actually couldn't since her car was blocking mine in the driveway. And she dumped the "nevermind" on me before things could get to that point.

[doodler]

holding,

I wasn't serious. It was an attempt at using cowboy talk to create a double entendre. It didn't work. It's my ex-wife's fault.

[Holding]

Doodler, I suspected a joke from you, but thought you might have been having a rare serious moment.

But yes, it's still your XW's fault.

[EastTN]

holding,

You should've offered to ride her to the store.

H'yah! Move em out, girl!

[AnotherStander]

For the record, she did not ask me, she said she needed me to do it. Her barking orders at me is a longstanding issue in our M, and I've repeatedly asked her to stop.

Ah, I see what you're saying. I guess part of my problem here is I always imagine everyone's WAS to be like mine, my W was actually pretty polite and cordial throughout but others here are dealing with raving bi***es so that definitely requires a different dynamic!

holding,

You should've offered to ride her to the store.

I laughed, and then I laughed again and the double-meaning there whether intended or not

[AnotherStander]

laughed again *at* the double-meaning. Really should proof ALL my posts before hitting submit!

[Gordie]

Holding,

I spent the last two days reading all of your threads. You are a good writer!

It's heartbreaking to see a family split apart but want you to know 1 it's clear how much you have grown as a person through all this, 2 how awesome you are as a father to your boys and 3 what a great support group you have, especially dusty, acc, and as.

Some thoughts:

I think the thing about sex/the snip/no daughter is a really big deal between you and w. I think you know that. I don't think you are trying to save your m now but you may still want to have that painful discussion to at least try to close the door on that issue. You may not want to and that is fine, but do it for yourself if you feel you did something wrong and want to clear your conscience. She may never forgive you but that's not up to you.

S14 is at an age where he wants to spend less time with you and the D exacerbates that. You are going to have to try harder on that one. I have found that doing things together does the trick in terms of getting mine to open up. Go to an Astros game or something else he likes where you spend a lot of time together. And all guy vacations are awesome by the way.

I agree with your suspicions about OM. You have no idea what is actually going on. You have suspected EA or PA but I don't think you considered FA. FA is where it's all in your W's head so she honestly thinks she has done nothing wrong but she has placed another man in her heart and has a fantasy about building a new life with him and starting over. Before my own situation, I didn't think a fantasy could bring down a m but little did I know. The FAP is a real person in my case but there are others on here where it is a celebrity or an online buddy who they have never met IRL.

I hope you are on dry ground. I have lived through hurricanes so I have a lot of empathy for you.

[Gordie]

I understand some people just get very angry with their spouse after BD. But I do believe that anger is misplaced. Personally I never did get angry with W, I understood it wasn't easy for her, that she felt like she needed to do it to save herself, that she was confused, and most of all that she didn't hate me, that she just didn't want to be married anymore. I really don't see it as being her fault. Our M had been on autopilot for a long, long time. That was as much my fault as hers. What I never realized until it was too late is that while autopilot was OK for me, it was not for her.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that I truly feel my XW and I resolved things quicker and easier by remaining cordial and open to discussion throughout. I am not saying it was easy, but it was a lot easier than it could have been. And for me that was a large part of saving myself. A long, ugly court battle would have sent me into depression and anxiety all over again.

AS,

I don't want to hijack but just thought this was beautiful and loving and realistic. You aren't in fantasy land clinging to hope but you also don't feel like you need to hate your spouse to detach and move on. Thank you.

[Holding]

I spent the last two days reading all of your threads. You are a good writer!

Thanks! Writing's always been a passion of mine. My sister tells me I should turn my whole sitch into a novel. Maybe one day...

It's heartbreaking to see a family split apart but want you to know 1 it's clear how much you have grown as a person through all this, 2 how awesome you are as a father to your boys and 3 what a great support group you have, especially dusty, acc, and as.

Thanks again. Yes, my support here has been great and I'm very thankful.

On the sex/the snip/no daughter issue: Very early in my sitch, probably a week after BD, I did sincerely apologize for this. And since then I've told her how much I regret making the decision without her input, and how I would do things so differently if I had a time machine. Right now I just have too much anger to do this again, and I don't think it'll change anything for my W. But I have thought about saying or writing something when I cool down, possibly post-D. Thanks for the suggestion.

Yeah, s14 has been very difficult lately. But thanks for encouraging me to be more persistent with him. It's honestly hard to find things to get him out of the house for. Dinner and a movie is the one thing that's worked for me. I guess I'll try to play that card again.

EA/PA/FA: I haven't read or heard too much about the FA, so thanks. An FA definitely happened in the beginning of my sitch (I found out this was actually pre-BD) where she was flirting with random guys on Facebook. Since then she's moved on to at least an EA. Her heart has been checked out for a while. The FA was something I felt I could easily forgive. The EA and possible PA - I'm not so sure about forgiving those.

I hope you are on dry ground. I have lived through hurricanes so I have a lot of empathy for you.

Yes, I'm fine now, thanks. I guess I never mentioned that we'd made it through ok. There was no impact to my home or job, or to the kids school. I faced a big one back in '05, so I'm a hurricane expert at this point

[Gordie]

I actually read an e book by a guy who did in fact turn his situation into a memoir. It was helpful to see him through the whole arc of his process. If you feel you addressed the snip issue, no need to re tread. I just do think it's helpful to all no matter the outcome to actually apologize for the legitimate actions you regret whether or not forgiveness is given. Good to hear you are on dry ground.