Thanks dude, I appreciate it! I am looking forward to those days! I thought so to, something just something that lets me know. In reality those 6 months are probably 9 to 12 months for her depending on when her transgressions started.
The gym has been my savior, I have always went but have taken it to a whole other level! I would recommend to anyone reading to hit the gym, it is the single most beneficial confidence booster you can get. If you want to up your sex rank it is a must!
I am still reading self-help books but I need to expand on my crazy stuff. If I would have taken the bait on that girl I met out on Friday that would have been completely crazy! I know that's not what your referring to though !
Ok LH19, but what if the A (EA and/or PA) started after the separation? The marriage is only a piece of paper at that point and so would that count as disrespect. It is obviously fuched up, and the other person is just hella moving fast, but I am wondering if you would classify as the same sort of disrespect if the partner is having an A while living under the same roof as married and not separated.
Yes I would unless it was discussed otherwise in advance that it would be part of the separation process.
I can almost guarantee that if she is in an A it was going on before the separation.
Yeh I see what you're saying. I definitely did not have such a convo with W and my EA suspicions definitely hit the timeline before BD.
Cool saying, I like it. I think my W is holding on to a couple of branches or she would have already filed. It seems like most of the people who have been successful at DBing had to give their spouse an ultimatum S or D themselves. Do you find that to be accurate?
From what I have read it is the ones that truly "drop the rope" and are ready to move on are the ones that are the most successful and when I say successful, that doesn't necessarily mean reconciliation.
The ones that truly do the hard work of self improvement become happier then they have ever been. Accuray & Another Stander come to mind.
Accuray posted once that if your WW wasn't happy in the marriage odds are you weren't really happy either. The only difference between a WS and LBS is timing.
He also posted the following that really helped me understand what I was going through:
When W dropped the bomb she ripped your sense of stability away from you. From your perspective you didn't do anything to deserve it, you couldn't stop it from happening, and you couldn't put things back together afterwards.
That would make anyone feel totally out of control, spinning down the drain, and that is a horrible feeling!
You are trying to analyze and understand everything so that you can build it into a rational model so that it will never, ever happen to you again. If I can avoid doing X, then Y will never happen. In addition, you want to unlock this puzzle, to deconstruct it so you can find the solution that will allow you to rebuild it. Finding that key would provide immense comfort.
Your brain has convinced itself that getting W back, or getting W to apologize and declare a desire to have you back is the very best and fastest way to restore your feeling of being in control.
With the benefit of time and distance, you'll realize that's what it's really all about, it's about regaining the ability to feel in control of your life and your future. It really has very little to do with W or who she is as a person, she's a lever to get you what you want, but that's really just an illusion.
If you take the focus off of W *completely* she will notice. That will give her space to breathe, and to think. That's the only way these things turn around -- the ONLY way.
IF they turn around, that is. Most of the times the WAS never looks back, at least not to the level where they'd pursue an R. Especially with women it feels like when it's over, it really is over.
Thanks LH19 (and Accuray). That post is literally an eye opener. The loss of control is way too easy to confuse to being in love though. It's hard to love someone who does the monkey-thing though, because that really devalues a person at least in my eyes. If you start to lose feelings, YOU TALK. YOU DO EVERYTHING. You don't just kill your feelings silently or nag some garbage and say "everything's fine dear, I love you" while searching for someone else to fill your wants.
In my thirties, BDd 2017, divorced 2 young kids new relationship
[quote=lcause]IF they turn around, that is. Most of the times the WAS never looks back, I disagree with this^^. There was a 5 year study that revealed far more than 3/4 of the WAS surveyed, admitted they had regrets about leaving. That included those without children, so the number is likely higher for those with.
As for looking back, I think Nearly every WAS does, especially when there are children and true NC is impossible.
Every time the AP errs or hurts them (which will happen b/c they are both human) the WAS will wonder if they made the right choice. Every time the AP doesn't get the inside joke, or "remember the time when..." the WAS will note it, even if only subconsciously.
Every time the children see their biological parent/ LBS and shares a good memory with the WAS parent, the WAS will wonder...
Every time a happy memory pops up, whether it is triggered by a song, a holiday, a place, or a mutual friend, the WAS will question the decision to leave...
when they interact with the LBS and the LBS shows change & inner contentment,
AND or when the LBS is with an OP themselves, the WAS will wonder about the decision to leave...
This^^^ does not mean they will decide they made the wrong choice AND OR decide to end their R with AP - or to admit it to the LBS...
But it is reasonable to assume that when those moments of looking back occur, it won't be guilt that prods them to reveal their doubts;
it'll be an attractive LBS whom they miss.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So one of the soccer moms came up to me tonight and told me how good I looked and they didn't recognize me this year. I had not seen her since the spring when I had a beard, grey hair, etc. she told me that she commented to my wife the same last week. How about that ad a 180 for you!!
Yeah, the LBS diet/makeover is a positive, isn't it? I had friends who I hadn't seen for a year who didn't recognise me and walked past me in the street...! And nicely, the feedback is always that I look much younger and more glam LOL (even when it didn't feel like that inside)
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
!