On that, you, me, everyone who knew him, my L and even his own L are agreed! I think only him and OW think otherwise!
I'm glad if some of my (long) thinking out loud is helpful. It helps me to know that I have already survived the worst, things I thought i might not.
I'm still sad, still bewildered by this turn in my life, still miss my friend and H. I suppose I think of myself like a widow really rebuilding my life after losing my beloved H. It will be much easier when I don't have to interact with the monster he is right now.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Part 3: Facts, Mind Reading & Negative Assumptions
Accepting these realities really hurts me. It hurts that Mr MLC has killed the person I loved, or at least right now. It hurts that I see no signs right now of that changing. It hurts that I am collateral damage, that this has changed my life and that my STBXH shows no care about that after almost two decades. Is it possible that he is secretly thinking and feeling differently? That he isn't happy? That he will have regret and remorse at some point? Of course, and as you said cadence, the anecdotal evidence from folks who have heard the other side of MLC suggest that is more likely than not. But secret shame or love butters no parsnips and it doesn't help me right now.
The creeping danger of having to think the worst of someone is twofold. Cadence you were right to flag it for me. One is that by thinking the worst, you look for it and make it happen. Right now, I think it is realistic based on the little I can see in my sitch. For others, whose MLC spouses start to show signs of recovery, it might be different and you might need to remind yourself to be less negative. The second is that it is a slippery slope from 'accept that your H acts as if you are worth nothing/to blame/his enemy' to listening to the little insidious voice that says 'what if he's right?'. Cadence reminded me that this is the voice to fight.
I am stunned at how this resonates so very strongly for me. You have said exactly what I have been thinking for almost 2 years.
I too need to take note of the insidious mind worms that eat away at my happiness and confidence. I want so much not to be a bitter old harpy, the person people cross the street to avoid or inwardly groan about if caught at a social gathering. Who wants to be that woman? Learning to ditch the "what if he's right?" inner snark is the thing I'm going to work on now. Thankyou and cadence for this great insight!
I've got an ambition to witness the gigantic karmic slap my STBX so richly deserves. Unfortunately, karma moves very slowly and sometimes unreliably so I doubt I'll see it happen - or I'll have lost interest by the time it happens. I should think that will be a good thing.
Treasur, you sound like you will be fine. Being fair and funny is a great combo, and sure to keep you in demand, if that's what you're after.
Treasur, I love your list of the good things. I'm copying some of them down for my own notes to remind me, that whichever way I go in deciding to file or not file, there are pros and cons both ways. I'm struggling over the last 24 hours with whether to just go ahead and pull the plug, file, then see whether we have anything to build a new R on is really there. So far, people have been supportive in my thoughts to wait, with the exception of my S35. He wants me to be protected, and I think a tiny part of him wants to see me file, just to make a statement- "You cannot treat me this way for 7 months, and I will not live with you openly seeing other people." All valid points. In some ways, I think it'd be easier if he would file, rather than my having to make the decision.
I don't think for those of us with Vanishers, the "how did this happen/how could they" will ever go away. Lessen maybe, grow fainter, maybe. But maybe never go away. I think we just have to make room for that to sit in a corner of our head/heart, not feed it, and let time remove some of the sting.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
I think the practicalities of D are a bit big for a 'statement' - easier/cheaper to go NC for 30 days, run off to Fiji for a month with no internet/phone, donate his favourite clothes to Goodwill, 'accidentally' break his laptop/tv/car....add your own suggestions here.
When in doubt, just give yourself time to breathe and think. Your actions are for you, not to send a message or try to influence someone else. Just for you and what feels healthy for you.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I've decided my new shorthand for new people who ask is..."my H had a depressive breakdown, became unrecognisable and a bit mad. Nothing I could do about it"
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
I agree with your thoughts about "a statement". This is a huge decision. I put my thread out there to get some feedback before I call the attorney to set up appt- so far no feedback..... but I'm leaning toward calling, making an appointment for a month from now- and take the time to go NC, slow my thoughts down, see my counselor again next week, and be sure I've thought this through.
I LOVE your British way of saying- "gone slightly mad." I'm adopting that too. I think it can apply to both H and to me, in slightly different ways.
Meet you in Fiji.
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
Read something useful on another site, one that is a bit more bullish about infidelity.
Someone posted that why this is a perfect storm is that it is a situation where our strengths become weapons that are used against us...compassion, love, understanding, commitment, effort and courage. This means that we have to be careful not to let those fine human qualities hurt us, but it doesn't mean they are bad qualities and it doesn't make any of the post-BD craziness our fault or responsibility. We were 50/50 in our M, but post-BD, our spouses were 100% responsible for creating a whole new deal.
And combined with our lovely good qualities, the flip side of the pitch is that it brings lies, confusion, chaos, changing reality, rejection, abandonment, loss, grief, fear, control, manipulation, anger, anxiety, hatred, destruction, blame and extreme emotions that change frequently.
No wonder this stuff is so hard for us. But the lesson I took from reading this is we are good people trying to do the best we can in a virtually incomprehensible situation. We can use it to improve things WE want to improve about ourselves. We can use it to add some new coping skills that protect us and people we love. But I haven't read a single story here, no matter the previous imperfections of a M, where there were not other gentler, kinder, less destructive ways for our spouses to choose that would still have given them what they say they want. For their own 'reasons', our spouses chose this route...but it was never our choice so it really isn't our responsibility or fault. Our responsibility is to own our own responses and hold on to the normal truth about who we are and how normal healthy adults deal with tough times.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Here is where I am this morning. The sun is shining and I'm working on things outside my marital sitch, things that are about what next.
The � proposal is with my STBXH. I have no idea if he will agree to it, argue or respond at all to it. It pretty much leaves him with nothing and is much less 'fair' than I would have been 6 months ago, but I've stopped thinking about his needs now just mine. And it isn't a great sitch that will leave me skipping off undamaged, just the best I can do given how things are. In 7 days, if it isn't agreed, my L will go back to the Court option. Que sera. I hope that this stage will be over soon even though that means the D being final, because I'm tired of a life shaped by someone else's destruction and silence.
I seem to be a funny place on the detachment road now. I don't want to contact him. I have no need to snoop or mind read. I miss the H he was, but less sharply, as if he'd died so similar to how I miss my father who actually died two years ago. But I'm still here and I don't know what the next chapter will bring. Unless I was really creatively self-destructive, it takes a stretch to imagine that it could possibly be worse than the last 2 years!
I am where I am. Based on the little I can see, my H wants to 'move on' now without explanation or looking back. He broke, he stopped caring about me at all, he ran, he didn't reach back. That's it. It was out of my hands, like being diagnosed with a serious illness. Just a life thing. Nothing I did to deserve it or ask for it. My assumption, based on how things are right now, is that I will never understand or hear his perspective on it. I will probably never see or speak to him again, or know what happens to him. He is essentially a stranger with my H's face. But I'm still here.
It's my birthday in October and by then, I want to feel that this phase of my life is in the rear view mirror rather than biting me every day. I'd like to go on a date before then, and laugh about trivia and feel pretty. I'd like to be working on a plan to rebuild my business. I'd like to feel secure that I can keep my financial head above the water for the next 6 months. I'd like to stop seeing therapists and navel-gazing but to start looking up and out and forward. I'd like to get back to feeling that surprises are more likely to be good surprises. I'd like to feel as if my gains are starting to outweigh my losses, and that things which make me smile outweigh the inevitable sorrows of things like my missing beloved and my mother's dementia.
I will assume the positive thought that my H will sign off the agreement and let that sit in the background while I get on with other more fruitful happy things.
So, these are the things I am working on today.
Me: 53 H:38 T:20 M:14 BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression S 1/16 PA 4/16 H filed 1/17
Navel gazing is frustrating, but entirely necessary after the few years you've had.
Remember that like attracts like, and given your plans to start seeing who else is out there, you want to be at your best regarding emotional health.
Obviously, it's impossible to get to perfection, but if you've handled your current grief and pain from your past and have a healthy outlook, then you're more liable to meet someone healthy.
If you've got insecurities, you'll attract/be attracted to someone with the same amount of issues, but they'll be manifesting in other areas.
Think of your navel gazing as an investment in your future happiness!
I'm telling you this because I want to see you find someone emotionally healthy. I want the same for me, and I'm working on the same things.
