After consulting with my lawyer and lots of prayer, talking to family and friends and gut-wrenching soul searching, I fly to TN while my wife was on an out of town fishing trip with her uncle, gathered up my things and my sons things, and moved to CO. I'm currently living with my family here until I can get out from under some of the debt she placed me in, and establishing residency in CO to be able to file.
She has experience every range of emotion since I moved, from begging to come back to anger and hate. She was upset that I moved and she wouldn't get to see our son, but even when I offered to pay for her to fly here and put her in a hotel to spend his birthday with him she wouldn't. She wanted me to bring him back to TN to visit her in the unhealthy environment she is living in, which obviously I wouldn't agree to.
We finally reached a compromise where I flew him to her parents house, which is in a different state altogether, and she met us there and I offered for her to keep him as long as she wanted. I stayed also, but stayed with a friend and tried to minimize contact with my wife as much as possible.
She got there, and right away I could tell she wasn't really wanting to be a mother to our son, but more a fun aunt. She slept in every morning and would text and call me every day to take him in the morning so she could sleep in (I didn't), she stayed up everynight until 2-3am talking to guys back in TN (this I heard from her parents) and she finally left after only spending 2 weeks with our son (she originally planned to spend a month there).
I tried to sit down and talk to her while we were there, just some finalizing questions, what went wrong, apologize for nasty things I had said, etc. And she wanted none of it.
So my son and I came back to CO and we are working on getting our lives together here. As for her, we hear from her once every 2-3 days when she skypes our son for a few minutes, other than that she's still living with the uncle (or maybe living with another guy, I'm not sure) she doesn't have a job, and I ended the lease on our house in TN and it just got rented out this week.
I'm really really trying to let go. I deleted her off social media, and try not to obsess over her. She says she wants to see our son again and get him half the year, but I dont see how that is feasible with her jobless, homeless, carless state.
I'm currently waiting until I establish residency (which will happen in a few weeks) and praying about if I should file first to get the edge in the custody battle sure to ensure, or wait.
I'm wrestling with alot of pain, alot of grief, and alot of loss. But at this point, even after losing literally everything (she had to even give her dogs away because once I ended the lease on our home there was nowhere for them to stay) she still says she's making a better life for herself and she's happy and is never coming back and all she wants is our son (even though when she had him she was pawning him off on everyone).
I've got everything documented for the lawyers if it comes to that.
Even though I know this is the right direction to move, I'm still not over my wife, still miss her, and still hate thinking of her with anyone else, no to mention can't think of myself with someone else. I'm trying to just take it one day at a time and not think about the future.
Oh man, has she lost the plot. Back to the basics, believe nothing they say and only half of what they do. She wants her son? Her actions show she wants nothing but to live the single, unencumbered life and she is not afraid to throw away your precious son.
I am in awe of your fortitude and endurance, you've made clear, careful decisions that have protected your son and continue to be a wonderful parent. Your wife is bordering on mentally ill at this point. She is acting like an addict that is willing to throw away anything for that next high.
Here's the thing, divorce does not necessarily close a door forever, it does protect you legally and also makes sure your son is being parented by the safest, most stable parent. There have been quite a few marriages that have reconciled post divorce and even remarriages. So think of this as a very far-off option, a plan Z if you will. Strength and honor in the meantime.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Thanks for the encouragement. I am still in shock at how my wife acts, for example, when I brought our son to visit her, not only did she ask me every morning but one to come watch him so she could sleep in, she passed him off to her sisters, her mom and her grandmother whenever she got the chance so she could run off and talk to her friends back in TN (she insists that the 10-15 guys she talks to on a regular basis are nothing but friends, I've stopped asking otherwise because she isn't going to tell me the truth anyway).
Then since we came back to CO not only has she only talked to him a few times, but in between she will go for days without talking to him at all, and there have been several times he's asked to talk to her, and I'll text her and ask if she wants to call him and she still won't reply. But if I say anything to her about it then she says I'm "trashing her reputation as a mother and that she's busy making a better life for herself".
So I've basically stopped trying to get her to talk to our son, if she asks to I'll try to make it happen, but I don't remind her and I don't go out of my way to make it happen. I hurt for him because I know he loves his mom, but as it is, he's barely spent anytime with her in months, by her own choice.
How should I handle her interactions with our son? For example, I hear absolutely nothing from her for a few days, then she wants to talk to him on the phone or facetime. They will talk for a few minutes (I have to be there since he's only two and can't operate the phone himself but I don't talk to her) then she drops off the face of the earth. There have been several instances where he has asked to call mama on the phone, but if I call or text her she ignores us, so I just have stopped trying to arrange conversations between them to keep him from getting disappointed (If I say "hey, wanna call mama" he will either get upset and say "no" and storm off, or gets really excited, but if she doesn't answer he's very upset.
If I could I'd just have absolutely no contact with her, but I don't think it's fair to my son. I'm angry with her for doing this to my son (I'm also angry about how she's treated me but I try to keep those emotions separate) and I want to force her to be a better mom. If I say anything to her though she goes on about I shouldn't trash her, that she isn't a bad mom, and that she's working to get her life together (even though I know she isn't based on hints she drops, she spends every free day hanging with friends, boating, etc. which is fine, but she gets so busy with her hobbies she won't make time for her son).
I really don't want to have to send my son to visit her either, I know she's just going to try to pass him off to daycare or someone else, that he won't be taken care of, he will be put on a different routine (when I have him he goes to bed at 8 or 8:30 and wakes up around 7, the two weeks she had him she was putting him to bed at 11 and he was waking up at 9, it took me a week to get him back on his schedule). It just seems like alot of trauma for him to go back and forth when she's just going to treat him as a cute little photo prop.
Your situation sounds similar to how mine was--STBXW didn't make much effort for D, and was content to leave everything on autopilot (i.e. me taking care of them). She INSISTED on her weekends, though, and when she had D, D's sleep schedule was always all over the map (as it was when STBXW was still at home). "Her" weekends often involved D spending time at MILs house as well.
Like you, I got tired of it. I ended up ripping STBXW a new a**hole one day, demanding that she be a better mother--if she wasn't going to be a wife anymore than she could damned well do that. It didn't work, of course. I think what finally woke her up was the prospect of our interim parenting arrangement becoming permanent (at which point she claimed that what we'd been doing for over half a year was suddenly a massive problem that "extinguished her rights")
The best advice I got here was "it's not your job to foster their relationship. It IS your job to not damage it." Try to live by that, and just try to do the best you can for your kid to be both mommy AND daddy in her absence.
After consulting with my lawyer and lots of prayer, talking to family and friends and gut-wrenching soul searching, I fly to TN while my wife was on an out of town fishing trip with her uncle, gathered up my things and my sons things, and moved to CO.
Based on what you've been describing, I think that sounds like the wise thing to do.
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I'm currently living with my family here until I can get out from under some of the debt she placed me in
Have you talked to your L about the debt? If she's continuing to accrue debt which she MUST be since she doesn't have a job, you could be on the hook for part of it. Check with your L and see if there's a separation order or something that will protect you from her future debt.
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We finally reached a compromise where I flew him to her parents house, which is in a different state altogether, and she met us there and I offered for her to keep him as long as she wanted. I stayed also, but stayed with a friend and tried to minimize contact with my wife as much as possible.
I understand you're trying to be the nice guy here, but do you really think that was money well spent? Focus on YOU and your S, not her. Stay in CO, find a job, get your life together there.
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She got there, and right away I could tell she wasn't really wanting to be a mother to our son, but more a fun aunt. She slept in every morning and would text and call me every day to take him in the morning so she could sleep in (I didn't), she stayed up everynight until 2-3am talking to guys back in TN (this I heard from her parents) and she finally left after only spending 2 weeks with our son (she originally planned to spend a month there).
Take that as a lesson learned. Don't do that again. Your W is off the reservation, don't waste your time and money on trying to make her the good mom she isn't.
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So my son and I came back to CO and we are working on getting our lives together here.
Good.
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I'm currently waiting until I establish residency (which will happen in a few weeks) and praying about if I should file first to get the edge in the custody battle sure to ensure, or wait.
Discuss it with your L, he (or she) may have some suggestions on you documenting your W's behavior to use if there is a dispute over custody. If this woman is carrying on conversations with 15 guys, is jobless, is partying all night and sleeping half the day then I can't imagine you would want her to have ANY unsupervised custody. Frankly she sounds dangerous to your son, or even at best, a very bad influence.
Have you talked to your L about the debt? If she's continuing to accrue debt which she MUST be since she doesn't have a job, you could be on the hook for part of it. Check with your L and see if there's a separation order or something that will protect you from her future debt.
She isn't accruing anymore debt, at least in my name, I cancelled the cards she was an authorized user on. L says there is a good chance she will be liable for at least the boat she put on a credit card, if not more. I give her a certain amount of money each payday for food (she told me an amount she felt was comfortable for her, and I will willing to pay. It will end when she gets a job or I file and another agreement is made).
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I understand you're trying to be the nice guy here, but do you really think that was money well spent? Focus on YOU and your S, not her. Stay in CO, find a job, get your life together there.
It probably wasn't money well spent, but part of me wanted to see if she meant what she was saying that she understood she had hurt our son and wanted to make it up to him (which she didn't) and part of me wanted to try to sit down and have a face to face conversation with her. Neither worked out.
I work from home so I can work in any state in the US, and my boss is extremely understanding of the situation.
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Discuss it with your L, he (or she) may have some suggestions on you documenting your W's behavior to use if there is a dispute over custody. If this woman is carrying on conversations with 15 guys, is jobless, is partying all night and sleeping half the day then I can't imagine you would want her to have ANY unsupervised custody. Frankly she sounds dangerous to your son, or even at best, a very bad influence.
I have and I have a journal documenting everyday I've taken care of him, the times she talks to him on the phone, essentially everything from the last few months (really since April)
How should I handle her interactions with our son?
Like I said in the last post, you can't make her be the good mom she isn't. Quit trying to control the sitch. If she calls then by all means let her talk to S. If she doesn't call, don't try to call her and don't ask S if he wants to talk to mommy. Just leave it be.
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I want to force her to be a better mom.
In the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (great book by the way), Covey describes two circles- "circle of concern" and "circle of influence". All our problems, opportunities, etc. fall within one of those two circles. Proactive people focus only on the ones that fall within their circle of INFLUENCE. These are things we can do something about. Reactive people focus on things within the circle of CONCERN, they spend their energy on things they can't control or change. So let me pose a question to you- does making your W a better mom fall under circle of concern or circle of influence?
