LouR! Lovely to hear from you. You sound so much stronger and focused than you were even a few months ago. Good on you too for knowing your boundaries with your guy. It's probably been a very good experience for you in many ways even if it was difficult at the end.
Hoping to hear more stories from you including tales of ambergris!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hey Bttrfly, I miss catching up with you too. Been a bit selfish recently and the focus has been all on me, I have needed to do that, see what I had become in my marriage and process all of that, then start to change my mindset so I will never go back to being that person again.
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
I do want to ask, and hope it's not intrusive. You're saving and working so hard so you can buy your home, yet you are still legally married. Will he have any legal claim to your assets? How does it work in NZ? Please check into that. You've worked too hard to have to split anything, you know what I mean
Not an intrusive question at all, its good to be open about things on here, that way we can all learn. My understanding is that as we have been separated for the statutory 2yrs and the house will be in my name only and I will be paying the mortgage from my own personal account then he has no claim on it. However, if he did come back and I allowed him to contribute to the mortgage or the upkeep of the house and he can prove it then yes he can claim he has a share as we are not divorced. However as this option is so unlikely to happen I am not really concerned about it. But, nearer to the time of me being in a position to buy I will go an see my solicitor again and clarify all this, as if it means me filing for d to protect my home then I will of course do it.
My g/friend said the other day that it sounds like h has traits of a narcissist, she is not the first to have said it, but at the time I did not want to listen. But looking back over our marriage she may be right - everything we did was for his gain, if I did not agree with it he would either manipulate me with false promises or make me feel incredibly guilty for saying no, the worst one was telling me I am very negative person, always thinking the worst will happen and should go and seek help, when in actual fact I was just using past history to see that his promises would be broken, the project/purchase would cost us more than we could afford, or that I would end up feeling like I lost out. Her theory is that he loved the challenge to change my mind and keep me under his control, so once I got to the point where I did not have the energy to stand back up to fight another round anymore, I became no longer challenging and fun to play with.
All my g/friends are worried that as soon as I show that I am independent and moving forward with my life, buying my own home and being happy and content again, he will re surface as I will have become a potential player in his game again. I am very well aware that this all could be true and will take measures to make sure that if he does re enter my life it will be on my terms .... to be honest, the longer we are apart the more I dont want him back, causing my life and heart grief.
AndrewP - great to hear from you! Thank you, yes I do feel so much clearer at the moment, long may it last huh. I know these things go in cycles so am trying to enjoy this one while its here. Finding that piece of ambergris would certainly buy me my beach house, so as its a beautiful (but very cold) day here I will be off hunting again later, taking my flask of tea and sandwiches .....oh how British of me ha ha ha
Lou, I read your thread a while ago. My you have endured a lot. My H is a huge narcissist and the things you describe here are absolutely what I have experienced. He has told me time and again that I am negative and he is so positive about everything. Although at present I have stood up to him and he is pretending to be overwhelmed to try to get me to back down. The control thing is also huge with mine. I fear the day he tries to come back again. I just have to keep making myself stronger.
I am so sad to read you have been under the spell of a narcissist, I feel the first step in gaining back your power and strength is realising that this is what he is and how he operates, which it sounds like you have done. I too am a little concerned at how I will deal with it if my h should ever come my way again, he is a pro at what he does, so I try to keep reminding myself of all that I gave up during our m and then I remind myself of all the things I now have (more about myself than possessions) and the dream of owning my own home and doing what I want with it and filling it with the things I want in it and then put in the image of him swanning in, doing his voodoo mindtrick on me and losing it all ....well that has made me so much more stronger and focused on not allowing that to happen. Its the power of NO and if he does not like it then fine, he can go play with someone else because I am doing just fine on my own thank you very much.
I think the thing when living with a narcissist is we lose the energy to say no, beaten down until its no longer worth the effort to stand up for what we want anymore. We know its not what we want for ourselves, we know what the outcome will be when we do it their way, yet we are suppressed so much for so long, and we are filled with intense fear that they will leave (because they manage to make you completely dependant on them) that you submit to whatever they want. When my h walked away he gave my freedom, my thoughts and decisions back to me, it has just taken me a while ....ok a couple of yrs ... to figure that out! But I have got there ....ok, I will say it, it just took TIME ha ha ha oh how I despised that word a few yrs ago!
I know that I have a lot of hard times ahead, but I now also know that I have a lot of good times ahead of me too, so its a case of letting each day come along and see where it takes me, knowing I can handle anything that is thrown my way.
So in my rambling way I am trying to say stay strong and keep reminding yourself that what you want for yourself, how you want to live the rest of your life is important and valid, no one .....absolutley no one .... has the right to make to change your mindset, if they do, then walk away from them as you will be fine and in the long run happier for cutting those people out of your life.
You are amazing, thank you for sharing with me. Love and Hugs xoxo
many people have told me that my exh has narcissistic tendencies (well, why wouldn't he? my ex-mil if the very definition of a narcissist, and he seems to model her a bit). Lou, yours left when you lost the energy. Mine left when I finally snapped and said, "Enough! You will NOT treat me this way any longer."
With distance and (sorry sweetums) time I've begun to realize how much ptsd I have. It seems that the more detached I am, the more awake I become. Part of that process is this growing awareness of the very real symptoms of PTSD that I need to work through to heal. Last year at this time I would tear the head off of any guy who tried to bully me. I don't seem to go to extremes any longer, thankfully.
I sense that might be the case for many of us in this situation, that when the buttons installed by the MLCr are pushed, all h3&& breaks loose.
Originally Posted By: LouR
I know that I have a lot of hard times ahead of me too, so its a case of letting each day come along and see where it takes me, knowing I can handle anything that is thrown my way.
I dunno Lou - how about you just have Time, not good or hard, simply Time. It's your gift from this. You've certainly used it wisely, my friend. I know you will continue to do so xoxoxo
I'm glad you will take steps to make sure that what you've earned stays yours exclusively. That makes me very happy!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Lou, I think they have many different skills. Mine was quite passive appearing, but would absolutely manipulate my emotions to get what he wanted me to do, while making it seem I was getting my own way. Even with the kids. He made me do everything for them and when I asked for help he said but you enjoy those things I don't. It is torture for me so you should do it. I think it is important to know that they will change tactics when the first doesn't work.
I knew that he was trying to make me sell the house to move near him. I knew it had nothing to do with money. He pretended it did of course, and then he pretended it was about seeing S all the time, and that it was about knowing I was safe, and the city he picked was so superior, etc. He tried to be threatening (big scary talk of lawyers, to a lawyer no less), kind, concerned, and now of course he is so depressed that we are moving away, everything is going wrong). If yours hasn't changed up the strategies on you, just know that he will.
It's nice to hear an update from you. Good on you for putting some goals into place.
And it's funny how once you get that you've been given the gift of time, you can really accelerate the process of moving forward.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I spoke to soon ...or maybe not .. have had an overthinking moment but it lost its intensity quickly after a sharp duh, come on girl, get a grip conversation with myself.
So this is what has happened - I got home last night and s21 said he needed to talk to me. He told me that he wanted to give me notice that he and g/friend have decided to move to his dads town (on the South Island) staying with h until they find jobs and have saved enough to rent a place of their own. I asked if this was his d suggestion and s21 replied that h was keen for him to move his way saying that there are more job opportunities and of course he would like to see more of him.
At first I thought "that's ok, h will have to put up with paying to keep them for a change, ha ha, wonder how long that will last" but then on thinking about it further, especially after the latest conversations we have had on my thread, I started to question h motives and the overthinking crept it - so, what is his game? Is he hoping this will get a reaction out of me, enough to contact him about it, making the first move and breaking the silence between us? He knows very well that I wont live on the opposite island and so far away from both my s, so will move nearer to them, which gets me on the same island as him; is this a him regaining control tactic?
Or, is this simply just a dad wanting to have his s near him and did not think about the affect it would have on me as I am no longer a feature in his thoughts or cares.
As I wrote earlier, overthinking craziness and actually who cares, it does not matter what or why h has instigated this move, it only matters what I decided to do, for me. So nothing has changed as far as my plans go, actually it benefits me as I will rent somewhere smaller and be able to save more towards my house and then when I buy next year it will be near both of my s so I dont have to worry about leaving one of them behind.
Its an example of the affect he still has on me, the ability to raise a reaction despite all the time apart, but its also an example of how much I have changed in how I deal with challenges as in the past I would have been action before thinking, which only ever ended in tears.
I don't know why but back in an early post of yours when you said S21 had visited or was going to visit dad and you hoped he'd move there so h could pay for him I did have a feeling this would happen.
As you say, more streamlined lifestyle for you, more savings towards your goal.
xoxoxoxo Mwah! :* {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Can I just say, you're doing awesome? Yes, a momentary slip into mind-reading, but otherwise great.
I'm glad your ex will have the financial responsibility for a while, and you can focus on your savings plan. Did you ever look at the mrmoneymustache website? A great resource for frugality and achieving financial goals like yours.
Do you need to move to a smaller place, or could you save more money by staying in your two bedroom and getting a roommate to pay half the rent? Just a thought.
