I will try and keep this short. I have been DBing for almost 3 years. H came home over 2 years ago, but it was not until this last Jan. that we really started over with our R. There was an OW, a co-worker. Almost everything about my sitch was typical. HE never loved me, she was the soul mate, blah blah. He was gone with no contact for over 9 months and finally confessed to this affair along with 2 others over a 10 year period. We have been married 27 years and have 2 sons (23 and 19). While he was away, he maintained the story of that there was no one else just him finally confessing after 24 years at the time to no feelings for me.
He came home and for two years things were ok, but not great. I felt like I was getting nothing from H but the fact he was home. He quit his job with the post office after 25 years because he wanted to pursue his lifelong dream to be a teacher and because it got him out of an enviorment that encouraged infidelity. After a miserable family trip to hawaii for christmas this last year, I wrote him a letter and told him he was free to go, that our relationship was not enough for me, that I could not settle for only a portion of what he was willing to give in his other relationships. I asked him to leave. He fought back for us. Told me that he always felt that I loved him "more" than he did me and that he allowed himself to believe and be convinced by co-workers that this must mean he didnt really love me at all. H feels he loves at about a "5" that is most he can feel for anyone or anything so because he wasnt at a 10 for me it wasnt what he wanted. I validated and told him that I could understand his feelings and finally he admitted he just couldnt feel that 10 for anything or if he did he didnt recognize it. We have been going to MC since January and things were really getting so much better. We started ML again and really talking. Then bam!!!!! He lies to me. He received a phone call from an old post office co-worker (male)while we were in a movie. I asked him the next day if he called Mike back, only because I thought maybe he was ordering a surfboard from H. ( in addition to school, my H makes custom surfboards and his co-workers never really seemed interested so I thought the call was for a board which would have made H's day). He said no, but the lie was on his face and we both knew it. I asked him the next day why he would lie and he says he doesnt know, I caught him off guard. He knows the only reason any call from any of his old friends at the post office would upset me would be if the came from the OW or about the OW, so the lie threw me right back there into the past. I do believe the conversation had nothing to do with her, but the lie even though small, really is bothering me. Our whole marriage was lies, he promised to not lie again, we were doing so well and now I just dont know anymore. He cancelled the last MC session I am ASSuming because he didnt want to hear the counselor's take on this situation. The issue of lying is very important to me because I stupidly believed H the whole nine months he was gone that there was no OW when there had been 3. I can validate, understand forgive, whatever it takes, I just cant tolerate the lies. Any ideas out there for me? I really need your help.
Are you happy with a 5 on the scale? You have been doing this for so long. It the R you have what you want?
I think perhaps H is afraid of MC, but you may want to wait and see. It's been 3 years, why not longer. This guy who called wasn't a pimp, so you should be fine. (kidding) Seriously, though, try to get that next MC session without pressure, see what pans out. One downfall (lying) is not worth throwing away 3 years of hard work.
Am I happy with the 5? I didnt used to be until I understood that this was the most he could give to anyone. By letting him know I accepted this it took a tremendous amount of pressure off of him and let our relationship progress. It wasnt that the OW was a 10 feeling I am only a 5. 5 is just all there is. OW just didnt require anything from him so she was an easier relationship (all she wanted was money and a surrogate daddy for her son) I dont think he is afraid of the MC, he really trusts her, she was his individual counselor first. He respects her opinion and I think he is afraid to let her down. During the few sessions I have been included in, it seemed to me as if she knew a whole different man than I did. She even made the comment of "he doesnt say what he does not mean and has been very honest with me. Lies are a deal breaker for me. He has lied to me for years and I believed him when he promised (which he never does, promises) that there would be no more lies. I know I am feeling it more because he lied about the post office, which to me is pure evil. that place is a haven for drugs and sex and alcohol. I have never told him he cannot have contact with old co-workers, I have in fact encouraged it. But why the need to lie about it if it has nothing to do with OW? That is what I dont get.
(kidding) Seriously, though, try to get that next MC session without pressure, see what pans out. One downfall (lying) is not worth throwing away 3 years of hard work.