I guess I struggle with the fantasy I have in my head about W.
That's okay. As long as you're working with your IC and on your own time to replace the fantasy with the reality.
You don't need a female to redeem you, Thornton. You are worthy all on your own.
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I think back to all the times she was there for me. All the times she made me feel loved. Was all of that a facade? Fake?
Clearly W has issues. Does that mean what we had wasn't genuine?
Since we have similarities, I wanted you to know I went through this same thought process.
It wasn't a facade. It wasn't fake. It was genuine.
However, you are two different people with two different experiences. You both have your own issues, and it appears that W has significant issues with closeness, trust, and being vulnerable to someone. The same things that you want to achieve to bring you comfort are things that scare her due to her issues. You want more closeness and more security, and she reaches a point where those things are developing and suddenly she needs to get away from it.
Does that make sense?
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I'm trying to view W from a more honest lens. But it hurts to see her this way because it makes me feel like maybe the last 7 years were all fake.
They weren't fake. It's just that W has work to do before she can be a partner to anyone.
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Maybe I'm just an optimist and I try to see the good in people. More likely, I'm codependant and I tried to help fix W into becoming someone she's not?
It could be both, but definitely the latter. You chose a very flawed person to pour your effort into. You were hoping to fix her and her life so that she'd appreciate you, and you could find value in yourself through her eyes. And that's the unhealthy part.
I want you to know that you are whole and worthy and deserving of love no matter your relationship status. And I want you to choose someone you don't have to fix, who is whole and worthy all on her own. Maybe W will get there someday, or maybe you'll meet someone new.
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all of this time apart really has given me the opportunity to think about things and see them from different perspectives.
You're processing and trying to draw conclusions on something that is ultimately unknowable, because you're not her.
But I think spending all this time thinking about her and what it all meant is taking away from your GAL focus: you.
Everytime you find yourself wondering, stop and remind yourself: I deserve better. W has her issues and they are hers to fix (or to choose not to fix). I can't help her and I don't want to help her, because I deserve to be treated better than how she's treated me.
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But the truth is something is broken and there's nothing I can do to fix it except work on myself and leave her to work on her stuff.
And becoming open to the idea that once you're healed, you may not want W again. I'd like to see you looking forward to that day when you can imagine a future without her. It doesn't mean she can't be a part of it if she's been working hard on herself, but that you're open to finding something that is worth your love and effort.
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It just seems like so many of these issues could be easily resolved.
I don't agree with that at all. Many of the surface issues could be resolved, but the drivers for them run very deep. W would have to want to confront some very dark places in herself, and she may not want to do that. You can't control her choices. All you can do is allow her to experience the negative consequences of her choices, knowing that you are doing it out of love. You want her to get better, but she's got to hit a rock bottom to want to get better. You're going to be actively fighting off your rescuing impulses, which will be a challenge for you.
Sounds like you've had some helpful responses already Thornton.
Great place to focus? Rebuilding your life without her in it for the time being..
Poor place to focus? Your ex GF and her chit....
That's her stuff not yours...
I posted on my own sitch recently about an article a friend shared with me on happiness. It encouraged focus on three things - self love, good relationships with others (friends, family, colleagues, partner if you have one) and meaningful activities in your life that give purpose...
Not a romantic R in sight - or at least a romantic R is very much optional/icing on the cake...
I think if you focus on these three areas (and very much put your ex GF and her stuff on the back burner) you can't go too far wrong.
However, if she remains centre stage and you put the other stuff on the back burner - I'm concerned for you....
I think you already know what you need to do here, but your own patterns run deep too and it is hard to plot a different course.
I know you can do this my friend - and if in doubt just ask yourself - What would Clint do?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As always, thanks for the friendly advice everyone.
Not much new to report. I just wanted to provide a brief update and to let you know I'm still reading everyones sitches.
W texts me 1-2x a week to try and feel me out and tell me how much she misses me. She also inquires about our future but I always respond neutrally. I miss her like crazy but I've gained some much needed perspective which has helped me keep most of my focus on me.
I've been interviewing for a new job and really hopeful I get it. It would be a pay increase and I could work from home (or wherever I feel like).
GAL has been good. I am really hooked on mountain biking now and a friend from work and I have been exploring a lot of the trails in our area (some of which are pretty intense).
All in all, I'm doing better than I thought I would. It's not easy but I feel a little better each day.
Hi Thornton, I'm thrilled to read that update and kudos to you. It's good to hear that you are getting out and about on your bike and really enjoying it too. It is certainly possible to enjoy life in unanticipated ways, even after such painful and difficult things have happened. In fact often I think we appreciate them more - like Spring after Winter...
I think you are wise to respond minimally and neutrally to those texts. For me, the advice in your sitch is somewhat different as you have been round a loop a few times and this pattern of behaviour from her isn't dissimilar to what you have seen before. In truth, I think it would really take some time and willingness to reflect deeply on her part for there to be a fundamental change. Any less, and I think you risk 'looping' again.
I think it is good that she sees and knows that something has changed for you. And in truth I think it has changed and I think you have reached your line in the sand - which is healthy and no bad thing in all circumstances. I'd feel much more concerned if you were melting in light of the contact from her. I think your eyes have opened and you are seeing the situation more deeply and widely - and I think that is the product of growth.
Good for you
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Nothing really new to report. I've been feeling a little down lately. I miss W and D.
WAW continues to text me once or twice a week telling me how much she misses me and all the progress she's making in therapy.
She keeps dropping hints about me moving there. I will not move.
Logic tells me that nothing has changed in regards to resolving our issues. And if we were to reconcile, I'm almost certain I would be back here in 6 months.
But my heart just wants to believe in the things W texts me. She is telling me all the things I have waited so long to hear. She is even owning up to her sh*t, which isn't like her.
I know I must keep moving forward and I am. It's just hard not to look back and think about some of the good memories.
"But my heart just wants to believe in the things W texts me. She is telling me all the things I have waited so long to hear. She is even owning up to her sh*t, which isn't like her."
Nods heavily to you referencing "your heart". It might be a small sign of progress that she is owning up to her [censored].
Have you considered blocking your W on your phone for a little while? If it is keeping you down, then you should do something about it. I know it is a bit of an ego boost to have her reach out, but she may be holding you back by doing so.
I don't hear from my W at all and in the big picture it drives me crazy that she could not care less, but your case is the complete opposite, but I think may be worse in the short term preventing you from moving forward.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
She keeps dropping hints about me moving there. I will not move.
Good.
Out of curiosity, how much are you responding to her texts?
I know how you feel. It's awful. What I've found helpful is that I picture moving forward with a door behind me, slightly cracked open. I'm not next to it, looking through it. I'm not responding every time I hear a voice that's not telling me something useful. And I keep moving forward, looking back infrequently. Less as I go.
I think that's the best you we can do. Build a life without them and maybe they'll have improved someday enough that we might want to invite them back in our lives. But there's no need to angst about that; we'll decide if we get the opportunity, and we'll accept no half-measures.
And though I may sound strong in advice, I feel sad and have down days, wonder about my inherent lovability, and wonder why it feels like I can't just have stability and happiness. And I know the answer is that I am loveable, and I'll get stability and happiness when I build those myself and stop looking externally.
Well those are good signs Thornton! It's clear from your sig that this ain't your first rodeo with her, so you definitely don't want to rush back into anything too soon. Hopefully she continues to make progress in her IC sessions and keeps working on herself. Until then, hang in there and keep working on you!
