I should clarify that I knew my W wasn't there either, but the idea is that I was giving her a choice and it was her decision to make. Dobson's book "Love Must be Tough" is where the concept comes from, he says the WAS feels caged in and you have to open the cage door. You do not kick them out of the cage, you just open the door and leave the choice up to them as to whether they want to fly off or not. So don't kick her out, just give her the choice and tell her you will respect her decision whatever it is.
Yes, that makes sense. I have basically been doing that but not as explicitly. I will use careful language to get that point across more effectively.
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Please understand that it isn't going to affect her at all. I know that hurts to hear, but you need to take a long-term view. She simply is not going to miss you after 10 days apart or probably even 10 months. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
I totally know that intellectually, but emotionally I was hoping that being away might have some quick effect. Yes, but preparing for a marathon for sure.
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Was that your decision, hers, or a joint decision?
It's a decision that is mostly been dictated by our financial situation. However, if the house doesn't get a price that we like, then there is the plan B of someone moving out. I was initially going to move out, but now I will turn it around and ask her to do that if we have to go to Plan B. She has previously mentioned that it would be one of us moving out, so this wouldn't be a shock to her that I would ask her to do that. I need to stand my ground and this will one of the things that will be part of it.
W has been messaging me to talk to the kids every day, which I have done. Any conversation that I have with her has been very short - I have kept it pleasant and straight forward. I know she has been doing a few things for her work and uni, but I haven't asked about anything at all. I am not messaging her and only responding to messages about her wanting to talk to the kids. I am putting Sandi's rules into practice and I have a game plan when I get back to put GAL into full swing.
In the meantime, I am with my extended family and we are having a great time and I am trying to keep all of this outta my head and just enjoy spending time with family and doing things with the kids.
Got back from vacation last Saturday with kids. W picked us up at airport and we drove 5 hours to drop kids off at the in-laws for a few weeks of summer break. Spent the night at the in-laws and she asked me if she could share the bed with me, to which I said yes. She just wanted to be close I guess. Drove back with W for 7 hours to get back home. Drive was alright. She informed me that she already got a new place to move right away. Not rude or mean, just letting me know. I said that I was glad she got a place in the school catchment area so that the kids school year is secured.
Most of the drive was quiet, but not unpleasant. We were chit chatting a bit about things here and there.
So, we are putting up the house this week on the market and will see the offers that we get. I have started looking for a place for myself as I can't afford the house on my income. I won't get something until the house is sold - in case it doesn't, we have agreed on a backup financial plan that will allow me to stay in the house and she will assist in some of the finances.
Yesterday evening, she was packing stuff up to move to her new place and I offered to help, but she didn't take me up on it. So, instead of doing what I would have done - which is help her anyway - I went and started watching some tv. An hour later, she comes in and asks if she can hang out and watch tv with me. I am in the guest room and I watch tv from the bed. She spent the night (no sex). She just wanted to be physically close and we kissed a few times. In the morning, we kissed a few times again and she stayed physically close and cuddled, which was really nice. No R talk or anything, just spending some time together.
I am not sure if this was the right thing to do, but I believe that the physical closeness is not hurting the situation and I am by no means indicating that this physical closeness means that things are getting better to her. I am just being in the moment with her and leaving it at that. As long as we're under the same roof, and she's not in a EA or PA, I am going to enjoy these moments.
However, once she leaves, which should be by early August - we can't move some of the furniture out while the house is being shown as empty houses are not as attractive for buyers - I am going to do my version of going dark.
I want to put into place what a physical separation truly means and establish boundaries so that she doesn't have the same type of access to me that she has now.
She has asked me to go to counselling with her. To which I said that she needs to go to IC first and then we'll see in a few months if MC is the right option. I don't want to go into the MC if there is no effort on her part to salvage the M. But, we'll see what happens.
I am going to continue my GAL'ing and I have been pleasant and upbeat, but not initiated any conversations about R or being affectionate. I am just reciprocating right now and not escalating. I am also working on validation as much as I can, but not being her emotional safety net either.
I don't know how the next year will be, but I am feeling less angry and looking forward to figuring things out for myself and getting back to activities that I had deferred for so long.
If anyone has any suggestions or wants clarification, let me know.
I think you're doing fine Maika. The question about closeness/ intimacy/ sex comes up now and then and the general consensus here is if you can do it without it hurting YOU then go for it. Just understand, it probably isn't changing anything. Your W is done for now and it's not going to change her plan to leave. I sat in MC with my W and listened to ILYBINILWY and "I'm just done" and "I don't want to give him any hope because there isn't any" but then "I still want to have sex with him though." Confusing to say the least. We did continue to have sex until she moved out.
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She has asked me to go to counselling with her. To which I said that she needs to go to IC first and then we'll see in a few months if MC is the right option. I don't want to go into the MC if there is no effort on her part to salvage the M.
Good, I think that was exactly the right thing to say.
Oh man! that scenario you went through about sex sounds hella confusing. That would totally make me mentally trip. Thanks for your feedback about the physical stuff during this weird time. It is definitely strange.
So W comes home and we briefly chat about the house. Stagers came in today to put furniture in and pretty up the place. Afterwards I got a glass of wine and hung out in the patio - I am basically doing what I want to do and also not hang around her too much if I don't need to interact with her for some thing.
Finished my wine and went to the guest room and few minutes later she comes by telling me she's going out to meet a colleague about some work business. I don't know if it's true or not, but I said that was cool and hope she has a good time.
She then says "you are so quiet these days. you don't say much."
To which I replied "Oh! you want to talk about something?"
She says "no, not really"
And then she leaves to get ready and I continue what I am doing. I was pleasant and spoke about things that needed to be talked about. I am certainly not interested in playing her best buddy, but me being chill and interacting when we need to discuss something is kinda messing with her I guess.
I am trying to detach and drop the rope basically. I am obviously not there 100% yet, but I am pretending well enough that it is coming across as genuine.
I dunno if she's genuinely going out to meet a colleague about work stuff or if this is something else. Part of me is screaming inside, but I am playing it cool on the outside. I feel like if she is having an A, I am not sure how I will handle the anger. But I am thinking about it so that I don't backslide.
At this point I just want her to leave and settle in her new place so I can just figure my own [censored] out and go dark as needed. I feel a bit fed up.
W just got back home from her evening meet and saw me putting my shirt back on. She asks me "Are you going out?"
To which I replied "In a little bit"
She doesn't say anything and then she goes to do some chore and in five minutes asks me to pick something up for the house. It is clearly late and no way a store carrying this specific item is open. Clearly a way to get me in a conversation.
For good measure, I google the item and it is only available at a specialty store which is closed. I tell her that.
She says "so you're going out to meet x (a mutual friend)?" I say 'No"
She says "who are you going to meet so late in the evening" I say "maybe I'm not going out to meet anyone" calmly.
She says nothing, but I can see she is not happy with my response and I just walk away.
This is the second time in the last few weeks i have gone out in the evening without giving specifics and it is getting to her. Just going out to see a movie by myself that I've been wanting to see, but she doesn't need to know that.
W is fishing for info and I am giving away nothing right now.
Ok! Just got back home and W left me a note saying:
"It's frustrating that you don't talk much. I get it, but what am I supposed to do? Also, you don't have to lie to me about being out with someone. It's weird. You do what you want. No matter what, you can't pretend I don't exist."
Now I'm feeling a bit bad about this, but am I doing something wrong here? I am not pursuing her and being chill while we are under the same roof. Clearly this is getting to her.
No. You aren't doing anything wrong. In fact, I think you're doing everything exactly right, Maika.
Don't backslide now just because your W is starting to feel uncomfortable with the consequences of her choices. She fired you as her H and thus gave up her right to know your whereabouts. Let her spin. Don't give her any information. Don't even mention her note to her.
Keep doing exactly what you're doing.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I did speak to her this morning being chill and just validated her feelings, nothing more. I didn't commit to acting differently or letting her know where I might be at any given time.
At this point, I am working on validation (she felt good, I could tell from her face), detachment, and GAL.
She is still spinning and it's good. I am being friendly, upbeat, and doing whatever I want to do.
I will keep the community here posted. Part of me felt good seeing the note from her, but I know I need to work more on my detachment.
