Going through divorce #2

[lcause]

Thanks everyone for the support

Hey lcause. This stuff anotherstander is saying is true. My WW was acting like she was Kim Kardashian at first. All these fancy clothes, hair, look at me stuff. She was high and mighty. Now she looks like she lives on the streets. She couldn't keep up the wall forever. Now she cries all the time and not taking care of herself. Her real life is taking over now.

If you want this be prepared to wait it out. I've been waiting for 10 months but doing the DB techniques for about two. Who knows if we reconcile but her animosity towards me lessens every time I see her. She looks worse every time I see her. She says her life [censored]. Point I'm trying to make is don't worry about how she's acting right now if your willing to hold out. Your W may come around. Sounds like you are doing pretty good right now. If you can get past the beginning shock, road will get smoother.

Somehow I feel my sitch is just so different. Maybe this is something what everyone says? My XW has quite a lot of friends and she's really level-headed so I doubt she'd ever end up in a situation like that. Only way I see that happening is if her (possible) OM dumps her.

The process does get restless at times. I can tell you I am right now. No sex and affection [censored]. I have women calling me now and its tough. Im trying to keep my sights on M though. Just working on myself and doing my best to ignore distractions.

Man, you are strong. I would probably have sex if I had women calling. Gladly, I don't.

[dale165]

Haha believe me it gets harder every day but I was a dog before I met my W so Im trying to change that:)

[Chase20]

My W has been doing the same thing - putting up the front that she is so happy and has made the best decision to move out. 6 weeks ago she sent an email saying this exact thing and that she was ready to make the separation permanent. 2 weeks later, after I stopped pursuing she sent a text saying things were really hard for her and she missed me. I now have a little confirmation of what people have been telling me on these boards. The WAS is in turmoil, emotionally.

I know how hard it is to listen to all the people on here giving you this advice. But they know what they are talking about. I am 6 months into this and I am finally starting to feel like I will be ok either way this goes. And I look back at advice I was given here a month ago and its making more sense.

Sounds like you are up for the challenge of making yourself the best version of yourself. That is to be commended, it isn't easy work so read and grow!

[lcause]

My W has been doing the same thing - putting up the front that she is so happy and has made the best decision to move out. 6 weeks ago she sent an email saying this exact thing and that she was ready to make the separation permanent. 2 weeks later, after I stopped pursuing she sent a text saying things were really hard for her and she missed me. I now have a little confirmation of what people have been telling me on these boards. The WAS is in turmoil, emotionally.

I know how hard it is to listen to all the people on here giving you this advice. But they know what they are talking about. I am 6 months into this and I am finally starting to feel like I will be ok either way this goes. And I look back at advice I was given here a month ago and its making more sense.

Sounds like you are up for the challenge of making yourself the best version of yourself. That is to be commended, it isn't easy work so read and grow!

Thanks. I do understand all the help people are giving me. I really do. It's not about that. It's the FEAR that's kicking in all the time. I LOVE my family. I WANT us to be a family. I LOST my family most likely for good. I know I can survive, I'm not dying because of this. I don't NEED my family to be together in order to survive. Fear of the future just really, really hurts so much. Seeing her having fun with a new husband in my mind is really something that makes me feel sick.

I read your case earlier - I don't think yours has/had an A? I think this would be so much easier if there were no OMs/APs. For my sanity (and thus GAL/detaching) and the possible recon. Maybe subconsciously feeling that she wouldn't be happy either would help me. But that's a far fetched idea because if she has an A, she is on the top of her world currently.

I also feel that I'm a bit obsessed now to these forums. I need to spend only 30min reading these at certain time of the day. I end up getting here once an hour which really is not good.

[lcause]

Ok, I'll leave these points here for the wise men and women to judge:

- Constantly online in WhatsApp
- When she's online and we were not separated, she used to smile to her phone until she noticed I could see her. Then she changed to "confused" face immediately, quite literally always
- Didn't want to take my D to a summer cottage because "I don't have many adult friends and I want to talk about adult things"
(D was feeling down so I asked whether she could come as well, XW has been "there" multiple times for a weekend, even going back to our M, twice)
- She shaved THAT area when she went there, caught her in M when I went to switch my S diaper, didn't really think about it then
- One day I went to change my S diaper and I noticed intimate area shaving gel (she never had that when we were M), she noticed that I noticed it - after I left I got a message "can I ask how you are feeling?"
- The front seat of her car is always pulled quite far back when the kids are with me. During that time she rarely visits WhatsApp, to the point of my D feeling down because urgent (for her) stuff is not getting an answer. I'm 6 foot, I don't have to pull it even close to back position, neither would her female friends
- Just took my kids for her and she came late, her hair was messed up and she was blushed at the chest area (I remember it happening after we had sex), she left with hair nicely put

I know I shouldn't be obsessing about this but it really hurts me and I keep constantly wondering about it - it really prevents me from healing. It would be easier to know the truth even when she doesn't have to tell it to me anymore. She said she wants to be completely honest and not hurt me... So being lied to is just, ouch. Hurts more than the A/R.

[AnotherStander]

LC, maybe the best thing for you at this point is to imagine the worst case scenario is true- she's having an A. She probably is, even if not a PA they are almost always involved in at least an EA or even an IA (affair with an imagined partner). You haven't found any smoking gun evidence but there's enough there to assume it's happening. The question is, how does that knowledge change your approach? It shouldn't change anything, other than to maybe help you detach further.

[lcause]

I'm just not a person who can flip the switch of not thinking about it - because if she is involved with OM, then I literally do not want anything to do with her anymore. Never. It [censored] that I have to due to kids. I would know that there is no hope and moving on would be easier, dropping the rope would happen immediately, except for the hurt part. Personally, I don't understand how people can just take it so easily even to the point where they don't want to know and still keep the hope up even when there is one.

I might tell her those even if it risks my future chances for recon. I'm just so in limbo right now that I keep constantly thinking about it.

[25yearsmlc]

I'm just not a person who can flip the switch of not thinking about it - because if she is involved with OM, then I literally do not want anything to do with her anymore. Never.

sorry but I'm a little bit lost. I mean, I get that you find it hard not to obsess. (Believe me I get that!).

But you guys are already divorced I thought. I mean, I'm confused b/c sometimes I read your situation as if you are wondering about reconciling but your w acts as if she has moved on and has actually filed and you or she moved out, right?

I'm about to date and only a small part of me resists that b/c I'm not legally divorced yet. I certainly would not call it an "affair", not to mention that h is "in a relationship" on fb.
Am I missing something?


It [censored] that I have to due to kids. I would know that there is no hope and moving on would be easier, dropping the rope would happen immediately, except for the hurt part.

Personally, I don't understand how people can just take it so easily even to the point where they don't want to know and still keep the hope up even when there is one.


First off, no one - no one I know of, "can just take it so easily"

OMG seriously that's just not true.

Second, without stated remorse on the WAS part AND a desire to reconcile, reconciliations do not happen. To my knowledge anyhow.

I might tell her those even if it risks my future chances for recon. I'm just so in limbo right now that I keep constantly thinking about it.

Not sure what it would mean for you to move forward, or what holds you back, now.

But I can say this: Deciding to "move on" is not the same as no longer obsessing.

I'm not sure the switch flips then.

[lcause]

So just because she has filed the D, I can't keep up hope? I thought that was what we are doing here. Busting divorces. I guess not then.

[T384]

Hey,

There's nothing wrong with hope but hoping and staying stuck vs hoping and moving forward are very different.


Trust me I know I'm there right now. It's [censored]. It's easier to give advice to others. If I followed my own I probably wouldn't be in the situation I am right now, who knows.

Point being you can still have hope for your M but you have to move forward wtb with your life as you will be getting a D. If that ends up not happening then great, but if it does then you're already on your way to healing and becoming the best you.

Right now she doesn't want you as her H. I know that hurts to hear. When people tell me that about my H it stings, but it gets less and less painful each time. By obsessing about her and what she's doing or not doing you are still making her the focus. It drives you to bad places. I still obsess (getting better) about these things. But we CANNOT controk them. And it really only hurts us in the end anyway. Just assume she's in one to SOME capacity.

I hope this helps. All of this [censored], we know... but there is hope. Here is light at the end of the tunnel.