Here again part 10

[OwnIt]

T3:

If it takes 90-120 days then I think you should be filing asap to get on the hearing schedule. Why wait and then have the delay. Your actions are about what you want. His actions are about what he wants. If you do not want a divorce, then I would not file for a divorce. If he wants to do that he can. I WOULD however IMMEDIATELY file to resolve the interim child custody and support.

I don't think you can read much into the monstering patterns. Mine was very nice to us the first few months of OW2. Now he is being distant and if there is any R discussion (and by that I mean me trying to get the separation contract out of him) he monsters. He was horrible the whole time with OW1. You are still looking at him too much, but then you already know that.

I would not go anywhere with him at this point.

I agree with your father, I don't think he would have walked out on you guys without the new woman waiting in the wings, especially given that it sounds like he still doesn't have a place to go much of the time.

[sandi2]

Yes Im civil in front of the kids, but I am not your friend. I'm either your wife or just the mother of your children. I am not your buddy. I can be right in front of the kids but I don't need to talk to you or chat unless I want to which last night I didn't feel like it so I didn't. If that makes me cold and a bitch and someone thats unattractive to him then I guess that's what it will be.

Well.........I do believe I am seeing some rope sliding. It starts with this kind of right thinking, T.

I love him. i love the life we built together, our 3 beautiful boys, this property we purchased to build our dream home less than a year ago.

You love the life you had.....and what you thought was secure. You love the person who had the kind of character a man, H, and father should have. And that is the person you have trouble letting go. That's the man you miss. That's who you want to come home. You may need to grieve for who he is used to be. ((T))

You talk about your old self and what she would have done. She's still there, but you keep telling her lies.

He is lost, he wouldn't leave me for someone else, he must just being going through something. I must have really pushed him away like he said. Why did I do this? What is so wrong with me that he felt he had no choice but to give up? Am I so terrible that he can't stand to even attempt to make this M work because he hates me that much?

This ^^^^^^^^^^ is destructive self talk. It is taking all the blame for his actions, and painting him to be some kind of innocent little boy who was mistreated by his big, bad W.

Maybe I did this and he;s not wayward or MLC and he just truly is done because of me and will be happier without me in his life.

If what you say were true.......then why the change in him? You know what I mean. Why did he wait till the worst possible time to walk out? Initially, I wanted to think it was pressure, or some deep hidden issue....like a split personality, or something. As for giving him a label of wayward, MLC, or WAH.........I am reminded of something Vanilla said. She said she believed in bad behavior. I think it sums this up very well. I mean, why his attitude and lack of interest in his own newborn son, or the other two, for that matter? This is not what a man of honor does, T, and I don't care how bad the W may have been.........an honorable man does not walk out on his 8 month pregnant W (carrying his child) and his other young children! And every time you start taking all the blame for his behavior........I am going to tell you his character is not honorable. If you were so awful, there were other ways, decent ways, he could have handled the situation. I still agree with your dad 100%. Your H found a new pu$$y and his integrity went out the window. And even if there was no OW, would you want to have him back, knowing this could happened again at any time? An OW in the picture makes more sense about his behavior. It doesn't make it right, but makes sense. Otherwise, it's just creepy.

Yes the OW thing is an obsession for me. I am getting better at being LESS bothered by it but it eats me away to feel so REPLACED. The other thing is I am so pushed to get this AHA moment of I caught you because last time he hid it for months and then TRIEd to act like it just happened, I know it doesn't matter but my thought is you aren't going to lie and say it just happened again and that it wasn't WHY you left. BUT YES all of this is a mute point - CHECK.

I think it must be an obsession with all LBS, and I would probably be the same way. As an observer, however, I can see what it's doing to the LBS. If I recall correctly, how he was behaving was the obsession.......and you wondered if he was cheating.

I see LBH's wanting to punch OM's lights out, and they want their WW to know that they know about the OM. So, it's not unusual to have these feelings. But it doesn't solve anything. For whatever good feeling you might have in catching him, it wouldn't last. We know from the last time, it won't matter if he's caught.

So anyway, positive self talk and attitude will help in DTR. I know you have spunk! You just need to stop listening to your lies and let spunk rise. And as Train would say......shine baby shine. (What a great group of ladies you have, here. Loved reading their posts. As my granddaughter would say.....Yeah, Girl Power!)

[Maybell]

I just have a burning thought/question... is he in a sane mindset and is just over this M? That he is rational, not in an A whether it be PA/EA and this is truly just what he wants which is why he thinks we can be friendly

This is impression management. He knows what his behavior looks like so if he can get you to play along the narrative will look like "we grew apart" not "I'm a massive a$$ who walked out on a postpartum wife and three small children."

Also possibly testing to see how much of his cushy life (boats, etc.) he gets to keep and how much he loses. My ex suggested he tag along to my family's annual beach trip and share a room with my younger brother (single at the time), just because he liked the trip.

Remember, NONE of this is about you.

[Ginger1]

I read your sitch and follow closely. I have so much to say, but really can't get it out.

I mentioned my ex began cheating when I ws pregnant and left me when she was 6 months old. He lied to me and said there was no OW. Just blamed it on me. I found out about OW 6 weeks after BD. I found out the cheating began when I was pregnant not until we were already divorced and they were engaged.

When a man leaves their wife and newborn child, there is clearly something wrong with THEM. Honestly, it's a sick thing to do. My dad and stepmother still want to kill him to this day for that and can barely look at him. I did what you did. I thought I must have been so horrible for him to do that.

Well, I began to realize it wasn't me. It's him. I was just so devastated. We had our IVF baby, began our family, and he left. I thought my life was beginning and it felt like it was ending. I would have done anything to just come home. I couldn't envision life as a single mother sharing holidays.

But that's what happened. I survived it. I know it ws the best thing to happen if he wasn't going to change. I don't want who he is. He was never a good guy, that's where my sitch is different, but I mourned the death of the life I envisioned. It's difficult but it was no necessary.

I am not saying your sitch is going to end like mine. There was a poster who had her H cheat when she was pregnant with her first, they were headed towards divorce.....they reconciled and she just had her 3rd kid a few days ago.

My point being, you will be better than ok and better than although it may not seem like it now. But I can guarantee being with the man he is now, you will not be ok And that's on him. Not YOU.

[T384]

Own, I am not quite ready to file for that today, I am meeting with a few other L just to feel out who I like and to get my name on everyone's list so it leaves H with little to choose from lol. I'm sure there's someone else but I just haven't found concrete proof - my dad said this is his second time around so he's probably just better at hiding it. And that he's nicer this time because he's done this before and knows what works and what doesn't.

Sandi- I am slowing letting the rope drop. I am going to get there. I don't want to make excuses for him... I just am trying to realize my side of the street and hearing him utter those words to me so much over the last 4 months that it's me starts to get in your head. But, like my dad and other family members have told me, no man with character or a conscience walks out on a family with a newborn baby. I read this article today that says once you get married its not about your happiness anymore, its you before me and we before I.

He did say I pushed him away, pressurign him to know if he was IN or OUT of the M and that I wasn't happy with the fact that he was TRYING but didn't know if it would work out... so that's where those thoughts come from.

As far as A, you're right, it doesn't make a difference really right now and obsessing about it makes what's going on about him. I guess knowing it was happening would make me feel better in a creepy way (it would hurt like heII too) but at least then I would KNOW it wasn't me... it was that he succumbed to his weakness and chose the easy alternative.

Maybell - I do believe what you're saying. I don't believe ANYTHING he does is for anyone but HIMSELF. If he does somethign that some people would read as a positive - I don't believe it --- I believe every move is calculated and he's only doing it because he wanted to. I really started believing that after this weekend when S9 asked him to come to pick out a fishing reel/rod set up and he declined. I was very say for S9 but we got it taken care of on our own and had a good time at that!

And yes, my friend said she knows H is just concerned with how everyone is going to look at him. SHe said that's why when soccer starts back up he's going to be feeling things out. She said he's the type of person that is so concerned about his image and doesn't want people to think badly of him. I won't share details but I won't protect him like I have been for months... My dad said I won't need to share anything but saying he moved out. He said people will make their own assumptions and judgments just on the fact that we have a newborn - he said need not to say anymore than that. Haha, my dad has a lot to say obviously... we are both talkers incase you all have noticed

Ginger - You're a tough cookie and it sounds like your dad is just as supportive as mine is. I appreciate you coming back and always reminding me that it's not just me. I get in my head a lot and let H get in my head. I know I have faults and I have things to work on but as I told that nasty girl up north who messaged me saying obviously something is wrong with you if he had to leave you twice and that I need to see that hes not the one that's wrong --- I replied that I know I have my faults but the difference is here I am standing here willing to work on myself to better myself, I didn't run away the moment things got tough and the moment we faced adversity. That was a few weeks ago, I have not replied to her since.

I know I'll survive and one day i will look back on this time as a distant bad memory.

[BluWave]

T,

Your posts hurt my heart to read! I feel like ranting about what a special POS your H is, but that does no one any good, so I won't. ... I appreciate your willingness to share your emotions and rawness and your motivation to really work through this. You are a very special lady. I am drawn to your posts because of this.

When I read all of your fears, self doubt, and wondering "what is wrong with me?" "What does he think when he looks at me?" "Is there any hope he will come back?" It gets me because I said those exact words just 3 years ago. I felt, said, and thought all of them daily for a long, long time. I can see now, years later, that it was me that held me back and not H! It is your FEAR and not your REALITY that is hurting you. You WILL have a great life with or without him.

It was especially challenging because even when I tried to hide it and play the part of accepting it, I just couldn't. He saw through it. He saw through it because I was doing it to win him back and not for me. You have to get to a point where you shift your mind and start making choices for you and not for the M. That is gone and over. I think for you this starts with laying firm boundaries, including a clear schedule for the kids. Minimize all interactions. If you are forced to have them, then you practice your acting skills for your own dignity (not for him and what he thinks) and then you exit situation!

I blamed myself, I felt that I wasn't good enough, and I couldn't even accept it was really happening. I was just like you. ... Now, in your thread, I keep reading the same questions and the same answers--thread after thread--and I see you just can't quite get there. It's okay. Please don't beat yourself up for that too. Go easy on yourself--lower expectations of him AND YOU. You will get there in time. It took me 8-9 mos of torturing myself to finally drop the rope, and even then, I don't know if it ever hit the ground.

Here is the thing tho, it is the best relief you can offer yourself. None of us--as much as we want to--can do that for you. It's the hardest thing you will ever do. But you can do it! Let him go, pretend he is never coming back, and somehow, some way, you WILL start your healing process.

I'm sorry--this was rushed--I just want to help you! XOXO

Blu

[25yearsmlc]

sometimes the hardest thing to do in life, is the healthiest, right thing to do.

((( T3 )))

[Train]

I haven't heard from him today, not surprising but no clue on if he is planning on coming here. He had been texting me when he was on his way home from work and used to ask if I wanted him to stay the night. The last week he has stopped asking and stopped telling me he is on his way and just shows up as he pleases at whatever time he pleases

Short response: He's the distancer. You're the pursuer. You've flipped the switch. You're now the distancer. No distancer wants to be the pursuer, so he's going to pull allllll kinds of manipulative tricks to turn you into the pursuer again. The easiest trick in the book is to not contact you. It would usually make you (a pursuer) chase him. DO NOT fall for that silly nonsense. Stay the course and watch how HE becomes the pursuer in time ....

Point being, do I ride with H to the tournament?
We're DTR, remember? Make your plans to get you and the kids to the tournament, whether that's with friends or family. Don't factor in H. And if H mentions the tournament - or y'all riding together - at the last minute, just tell him you and the boys already have plans to ride with others. Easy. And perfect.

Do I suggest we drive separate?
No. You just either A. have a friend show up and pack up their car with everything ... including the kids ... and leave, or B. wake up early, pack up your car .... including the kids ... and leave. If H gets up and participates and you don't mind if he rides along, then let him ride along. You don't wake his sorry a$s up, though, and you don't remind him about what time he will need to be up or anything like that. Basically to you, he's an annoying fly on the wall, and you treat him as such.

Also, next Saturday there is an international soccer match we bought tickets for back in March for the 5 of us... Do I tell H it isn't a good idea that he goes?
Do you have the tickets? If so, then no. You don't tell him a thing. You just assume he's not going because he's up someone else's a$s and surely he wouldn't expect to go with you since he's out courting a woman and her family instead of his wife and her family. Don't give his sorry a$s a ticket, and don't even mention it to him. If, in the 11th hour, he shows up at the house, have the guest there that has taken his spot and act surprised that your H would even THINK that he was still invited because, well, why WOULD he be? He has checked out of the family. He has fired you as his W. So NO. HE DOESN'T GET A FREAKING $100 TICKET TO WATCH SOCCER. IN FACT, HE DOESN'T GET AN ESCORTED WALK TO THE FRONT D@MN DOOR!

Sorry for yelling. But that deserved emphasis.

the comments people post on the... blog? If that's what you're referring to I believe many of them post here and/or there are so many people that get put through the same crap

The ... is fab. I like to read her now, even though H and I are back together. BUT (and though I can appreciate the sentiment from others suggesting you read her site), you REALLY have to be "ready" for that reading. You're probably not there yet. It took me a longgggg time. But when you ARE ready, you will know, and you will appreciate it and find it, well, humorous. And possibly helpful. And empowering.

[Train]

PS I will only call your H a sorry a$s while he's abandoning his W and children. If he ever turns his life around, I will not consider him a sorry a$s anymore.

Just needed to say that before I have to deal with somebody giving me a hard time.

[25yearsmlc]

Train's

hit on 2 things I want to reiterate

your h did fire you from the wife job. I'm so sorry as I KNOW that hurts to hear. Believe me it was only a month or so ago that I could hear that and not feel a gut punch. It still hurts, but less.

So what's with all the "should I do X"???? Nope...

(I acknowledge the increased hassle of not having him around...but the thing is, you don't have him around now - and when you start to wonder these things about including him so you can get help - totally understandable - you are forgetting he's not reliable! You are hoping he will revert back, if only for the day...but dear God that day will $uck for you.

He's not who he was...remember?)

his statement that he feels nothing for you other than the mother of his children was cruel. Period. Yes you can say "but is he clueless?? Maybe that feeling is only Temporary??" .

But...so?? It was horrible of him to say.

Last, ...Train has a great point about when to be ready for it. The name itself turned me off but someone told me it was hilarious, and that tempted me so much I had to look. And I have laughed when i really needed to, while also having realizations.

And yes, something clicked in me when I realized how much heavy lifting I had done for so long, to convince myself that the few scraps he threw me, were enough to overcome the massive evidence that he simply was not as interested in our family or marriage - as he was in his tundra adventures or his exit affair with the OW...

and even though my ego is very sore from the bruises, and I was on my knees thinking I was so lacking for h to choose a place over me/our family, again (I gained 15 lbs!! I had suddenly hospitalized with seizures and was thus "needy"! I had been a shame & not run for the US Senate!" - yes an actual comment h made in total seriousness..)


.I'm embarrassed to say that I bought into his insanely high expectations of me and self servingly low ones of himself as a dad/husband...which was a recipe for my self esteem to erode a whole lot...

I mostly see him differently now... and I feel better. My detachment has moved forward. I'm not blaming myself nearly as much. I'm throwing his choices back to his shoulders...

and That is why I mention the site

but I'm not you.

One thing at a time...