Here again part 10

[mm2bs]

I don't really have much to add as I've been attempting to DTR now for almost 3 years and still have not been able to do so successfully, but I just wanted to chime in to say how very impressed I am with you and all you've managed to handle. At your age I didn't have even half of the strength you've shown to handle what life has dealt you.

I know they are just words from an outsider, but I know (for me at least) it's good to hear from others sometimes. To me, history shows that chances are good he will realize what he left and want back in. The question then will be are you willing to let him.

Keep moving forward and protect yourself and your boys. Things change constantly.

[sandi2]

Ugh! Lost my post so will have to start over. I really do believe DTR is the best choice for you. I say, "choice" b/c it is a free decision you are making to walk forward, rather than remaining stuck in this mirey clay pit. It is extremely important that you work on your mental attitude and see this as a healthy step forward. You are going to make the biggest 180 ever! I'm going to be here, along with these other good folks, to help guide and support you.

T, your success will mostly depend upon your mindset. I realize your are at an all time low and all you can focus on is the status of your M. That's normal. It takes real effort to turn your face and stop watching your wayward H to see what he's doing, where he's going, and who is with him. I strongly encourage you to stop checking up on him. It only hurts you.

Also on the OW topic. I'm not convinced it's physical. That's my wavering on the boundary

Are you trying to get confirmation that it has gone physical? Now don't get mad at me for saying this........why do you need the evidence right now? At first, you wavered on whether or now there was a OW in the picture. Now, it's whether or now they have been physical. Would this make a difference in child custody, or divorce? IDK, and I would refer you to legal advice. I'm here just to help with the rest.

I don't see how it's healthy for you to be checking on him. How can a woman's ego not feel battered and bring anger, when she is looking at this stuff? For now, my suggestion is to lay that aside. I can't remember your boundary, but I think you pulling the plug hinged on there being an OW. Now, it hinges on the physical act of sex. Unless you need to get things moving to protect yourself financially & legally, then don't put that extra pressure on yourself. Again, please get legal advice.

My dad said there is someone else no doubt in his mind. He said there are chemical changes in the brain (as people have done research on) and that no man leaves his family with a newborn unless he thinks he has a better option.

Men can read other males, just like we women can read females. The women in my family "knew" when my ex DIL had an OM in her life. Her H didn't have a clue, but we knew.

I know THIS M is over but is he a lost cause? Is my hoping he will snap out of this a lost cause?

Yes, for now. You know how we put sentimental, but precious, items in a box to keep? We know it's there in that box, but we don't pull it out every day to exam. Until you get stronger, I'm asking you to try real hard to apply this to your stitch. It may sound ludicrous to you, but just try. Letting go of that rope, means that you don't give it power over your life. That much, you can control.

I hesitate in using the phrase, "snap out of it", b/c it gives the impression of a quick action. If he comes to his senses, I don't think it will be fast. It will be more like something that slowly seeps into his brain. I think your dad nailed it pretty close. By the time your H realizes what he's done, who knows where his stitch will stand. He could have another child by then, or be remarried. Those are barriers that get thrown in the road back home. In the meantime, let him go, b/c he is gone. No amount of loving is going to pull him out of the place he currently occupies.

I got home ate dinner on the couch watching TV where he was then retired to my room. My interaction wasn't someone that dropped the rope - I know.

You handled it well. It's about attitude. Were you sitting there "with him" and watching tv "with him"? Were you doing this b/c you wanted to be near him? Do you have tv in your bedroom?

Sandi I am in agreeement to do this if it's the only thing that will help me to stop crying and feeling the way I do when I'm alone... I will if it's the only thing you think can give me the possibility of this not being my life forever. If this can help him realize what he's doing or what he's losing.

I take this very seriously, T. Yes, I really believe it is the lifesaver you need to grab. In order for DTR to be successful, you have to come to terms with something...........that it is what's best for you at this time in your life. Do it for you. Don't do it to get his eyes opened. The reason I say this is b/c you must break away from that mindset of doing some action to snap him out of it. You must stop worrying about what he thinks of your actions. Why? B/c it makes you a slave to that mindset, and it prevents you from attaining peace and happiness. DTR on the mindset you currently have, may feel like physical therapy.......but you will get better!

I'll start another post.

[T384]

Hi all,

Seriously you guys are the best, thank you so much to each and every one of you for taking the time out of your lives to reach out to me. Each post warms my heart, even if it's not what I WANT to hear, it still does because I know you all care about me.

25- So my last round of DB, I think I had ACCEPTED it was over and that there was no hope and that he was with someone else and HAPPY. I think I always had hope he would regret his decision but that he had taken things so far that it wouldn't be in the near future of maybe that he would never even admit to me. I think the key word is I accepted what would be but I never stopped caring. I know I didn't truly detach completely because I was so happy when he tried to come back into my life and I was willing to take him back, with my stipulations.

I told myself before I wouldn't do this again. I also NEVER in a million years EVER thought this would happen again. Even my dad said - I would never wish for my daughter to go through that again, but H it made you a better husband... he said it to me the other day, although he told H when he first came back he would do it again, as time progressed he saw the changes in H and really never thought it would happen again.

My old self would say - are you kidding me? Doing this a second time, after a baby and after you begged to come back? What kind of MAN, FATHER, HUSBAND does it once, twice, while your wife is pregnant in school and working, and then when the baby is born?? The mighty side of me says F him! F him for doing this to the boys and I a SECOND time after he trampled me for almost 6 months last time. That's what my brain says, that's the way I want to feel.

But my heart, the weak part of me, says look at this man - I love him. i love the life we built together, our 3 beautiful boys, this property we purchased to build our dream home less than a year ago. He is lost, he wouldn't leave me for someone else, he must just being going through something. I must have really pushed him away like he said. Why did I do this? What is so wrong with me that he felt he had no choice but to give up? Am I so terrible that he can't stand to even attempt to make this M work because he hates me that much? How can he look at me holding our newborn son and look me in the eyes like he did the other night and say "I feel nothing for you, I don't have those feelings for you" I only feel that way about you as the mom of the boys but nothing more, not that way as my wife. Like God, what is so F-ing terrible about me that I deserve to hear that? Anyway, those are the feelings I struggle with every day... maybe if I would have done X instead of Y he would have never moved out. Maybe I did this and he;s not wayward or MLC and he just truly is done because of me and will be happier without me in his life.

Also I think... is he really wayward or is this just what he wants because last time he wouldn't come around when I was home, he wouldn't see me. He was terrible to me, stopped giving me money. Wouldn't even answer when I called. This time he offers me dinner, stays the night every night, etc. If he really thinking clearly and this is just what he wants???

SOrry that was long, but those are my raw feelings that I struggle with daily. Each day it gets less and less but they are still in the background.

Maybell - seriously thank you! I read your post so many times last night as I was laying in bed while all 3 of my precious boys were sleeping with me (by the way as if getting up with a baby multiple times a night isn't enough, my older two have to be all up next to me kicking and rolling!). I appreciate you and your words and so happy to see that either way there truly is light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I don't know you all IRL, it means a lot to know you think of me so highly. It saddens me as well that H cannot see me that way. Everyone in my life says they see all that I do and run the household on top of everything else and say they don't know how. My response is you do what you have to do. My physician (friend) I was with today knows a bit about what's going on without the details - she said how are you so fine? How are you so normal and happy and functioning? I said trust me you don't want to see me at night lol... Being busy keeps me sane.

And you're right, even if there wasn't an A which who knows if there is, THIS treatment is not okay. That's what my mom says to me, she doesn't know why I want to hold on to a man that is capable of treating me like this. My dad said god forbid you ever got sick could you ever count on him to be there during tough times? He told you he was unhappy when you were 8 months pregnant. He said I have known a lot of men in my life and I have never met anyone that would have the balls to tell their wife he was unhappy during her pregnancy.

Sky- thank you for your words as well. I am not counting on him for a THING. I am planning things I need without him. I have made arrangements for all childcare without him. I no longer ask him to watch the baby or do anything for me so I can complete my schoolwork. I make arrangemnts for soccer practice. For example, I got stuck at the office until 6p last night seeing a patient that I had to send to the hospital - I called and had a friend take the boys to practice and made arrangements for them to be picked up on the chance i didn't get home in time to pick them up. I did tell him I needed money for the house insurance and taxes but those are normal expenses.

Own- as far as the legal front, I've paid to consult with a few L. FL does not recognize legal separation so its just file for D or do nothing. I can file for temporary support should he stop paying but again that is 90-120 days prior to getting in front of a judge for a hearing. Those are emergency cases and would happen if he stopped paying then I would have to file for D and file for emergency support. Since I am not ready in this moment to file for D nor have the money for a 5000 retainer there's not much I can do in this moment in time until I'm ready to file or he serves me.

MM- Thank you for stopping by. It is very hard to let go of everything we once knew and the people we thought they were. My dad asks me all the time- what would you tell your friend if she told you this story. You would tell her that her H was an a-hole and to run as fast as she could. If she told you her H was leavnig for the reasons your H gives you - you would tell her hes full of sh!t. Easy to say until you're in the shoes though.

Sandi - as always, thank you. Thank you for taking the time to come back and explain the same thing to me 10 different ways. Yes the OW thing is an obsession for me. I am getting better at being LESS bothered by it but it eats me away to feel so REPLACED. The other thing is I am so pushed to get this AHA moment of I caught you because last time he hid it for months and then TRIEd to act like it just happened, I know it doesn't matter but my thought is you aren't going to lie and say it just happened again and that it wasn't WHY you left. BUT YES all of this is a mute point - CHECK.

Ya my dad said something similar, he said you can't see what I see but I know there is someone else. Men don't just up and decide to leave their families unless they're chasing something that they THINK is better. He wouldn't be leaving unless he had something he thought was a better option on the other end of the table. he said he can deny it all he wants, but we all know how this story went last time.


Ugh, makes me sick to think of him remarried or having another child, but what will be will be I suppose.

As far as the other night I was sitting on the couch because *I* wanted to. Yes I have a TV in my room but I didn't want to retreat to my room. I wanted to sit there with the baby and watch what was on. When I was done eating I went to my room because I wanted to. I said a few things to him because I wanted to not with expectations and when he was short I stopped talking sat there watched TV talked to the baby and got up when I was ready, not because I was agitated he was being a d!ck (what's new anyway).

Last night I got home and gave him the baby. I sat in my bathroom listening to music and let the baby cry with him for 30-45 minutes. I got my hair cut and colored also. I came out when I was ready. Bbay was still crying, I didn't offer to take him I went to the boys room and hung out with them. I went to my room when I was ready and he brought me the baby. I shut my door after he walked out even though it was only 9pm and we didn't exchange any words. Yes Im civil in front of the kids, but I am not your friend. I'm either your wife or just the mother of your children. I am not your buddy. I can be right in front of the kids but I don't need to talk to you or chat unless I want to which last night I didn't feel like it so I didn't. If that makes me cold and a bitch and someone thats unattractive to him then I guess that's what it will be. I don't know how to strike that balance just yet of detaching and still being that attractive person because I need to be free of him and away from him to help ME. Being around him brings me down and reminds of me why is this happening to my life so by me not interacting or participating in his life it helps to try and forget.

I struggle with if I do this then maybe he will see. But like my dad said, he didn't have the conversation wtih H to snap him out of it. He had it for him not for H. He needed toget the last 4 months of feelings off his chest. He said he didn't expect H to slap his forehead and say you know what HES RIGHT, what am I doing?? He said that will come, but not right now and not for awhile. He needs to hit rock bottom again.

DTR feels so hard, so hard to let go. I am getting there. I am better than yesterday, better than last week. Yes I;ll have some hang ups but I am putting a lot of effort to do so. I'm putting effort forth to essentially do nothing!


Whew - that was long, hope you guys are still with me! It was my first time responding on the computer so it's easier for me to try and address everyone, if I missed somebody I apologize, I do appreciate each and every one of you and your input, good or bad, 2x4 or hugs haha

[Train]

It sounds like you're criticizing yourself a little, but to me, you sound so much stronger than you were even last week. Sometimes, there's strength in weakness and vulnerability. I think you have hit your bottom and you're about to start standing back up. And, honey, you're gonna shine, shine, shine!

Hugs!!!

[leahsue]

I LOVE this post! You truly don't seem like the same woman from last week. I notice you used the word "mighty". That's interesting. If you get a chance, go to my latest post and read those thoughts about staying true to NC. You may recognize them from ... Something tells me you, 25 and I are all window shopping in the same stores.

[25yearsmlc]

T0

when you criticized yourself, I thought you were leading up to the realization that this is Not about you.

But you're not there yet. If I could change something, it would be the misguided but sincere belief that you drove him to this. I know you have trouble with detachment.

But I also now believe that your "itchy sweater" sensations about OW and your h's disconnect from you, was based on your sensing the shift in him. You did not cause the shift.



You are not responsible for your h steering the marriage into an iceberg. No amount of cajoling or "truly" loving him is going to right his ship.

He's his own captain. And not to make too much use of the metaphor, your job is to jump off the sinking ship with your boys and get the he11 to shore.

A guy who does this twice, and after buying a house and having another child

is someone who did not learn the lesson the first time.

If you read the ...site, or her book, you will see more clearly why & how you are buying into his narrative, which is simply BS.

We are all flawed. But men with lasting character don't leave women, twice, with newborns, b/c the woman is insufferably terrible.

I know You are hoping he has an internal earthquake & character transplant, and maybe he will, but

You are not the villain and he is not the hero.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

I LOVE this post! You truly don't seem like the same woman from last week. I notice you used the word "mighty". That's interesting. If you get a chance, go to my latest post and read those thoughts about staying true to NC. You may recognize them from ... Something tells me you, 25 and I are all window shopping in the same stores.

amen

[Maybell]

That ... is a hero. Really.

Read the comments, T, it's eerily familiar.

[OwnIt]

T3,

I'd check into the separation issue a little more. In a quick search I found this:

In Florida, a spouse may request court adjudication of certain issues if there are children involved and the parents are living apart. These include the division of property, child custody and visitation rights, as well as the amount of any child support payments.

[T384]

Maybell, the comments people post on the ... blog? If that's what you're referring to I believe many of them post here and/or there are so many people that get put through the same crap.

Do you all just think I should just file for D?


Ownit the L I spoke with stated that if I didn't want to file for divorce we could file for support/visitation/etc which is what I was talking about. She just said that it would take a minimum of 90-120 days to get a hearing.


I just have a burning thought/question... is he in a sane mindset and is just over this M? That he is rational, not in an A whether it be PA/EA and this is truly just what he wants which is why he thinks we can be friendly?

My dad said he didn't say much except he did say he wanted to keep the boats here this way we could all still go out as a family etc. My dad told him absolutely not.

I just wonder that because those of you who remember last time remember how terrible he was to me... wouldn't come to the house if I was here, wouldn't answer the phone if I called, etc.

I know my course is still the same... I'm just wondering.

I'm just rambling I know... I do have a reason for this post... I think

As you all know I do not text H... I haven't heard from him today, not surprising but no clue on if he is planning on coming here. He had been texting me when he was on his way home from work and used to ask if I wanted him to stay the night. The last week he has stopped asking and stopped telling me he is on his way and just shows up as he pleases at whatever time he pleases... I already have the boys showered, dinner fed, laundry done, and the baby just went down (he usually sleeps from 8-10:30 and then is awake until about 1230am his schedule is very confused), so he really comes here to shower and be on the couch. Long story short there is a soccer tournament this weekend. This is the first soccer event since he moved out. It will be pretty awkward with all the families there that we normally hang out with as couples/with the kids and nobody knows what's going on. Point being, do I ride with H to the tournament? It is about an hour away. I can load the car and pack everyone myself, I just have to get up super early and make sure everything is ready but I'm capable of doing it alone. However, I believe he will be coming here to stay the night if he continues coming here nightly as he has. Do I suggest we drive separate? Just not sure what I should be doing.

Also, next Saturday there is an international soccer match we bought tickets for back in March for the 5 of us... Do I tell H it isn't a good idea that he goes? It was going to be H, the boys, I and my dad. I can get rid of H's ticket (they were like 100/pp) so I imagine it won't be hard to find someone to go... just not sure how to handle these things?

These are not questions that someone who has DTR should be asking - I believe I know the answers .... I just know I am not going to like the outcome of them... he is going to start treating me like he did last time, being a huge you know what.