Going through divorce #2

[AnotherStander]

I understand. They meant that by exposing the affair you are putting pressure on them and thus making the affair crumble and die.

Ah yes, I'm a little familiar with that school of thought. I think that applies more to situations where the spouse isn't a walkaway, but a cake-eater. They want to continue living at home and acting like everything is fine while also carrying on with an A. Most of the people that end up here have a spouse that has already BD'd and is either out the door or close to it. Technically after BD it's not really an "affair" anymore in the WAS's eyes, because to them BD is divorce and the only thing left is the legal aspect.

Anyway, I wasn't suggesting that you should ignore the A, I was saying that you need to decide if you personally need to know. In my case I decided I didn't, but you may very well consider it very important. If you really need to know then a little snooping and sleuthing might be warranted. But once you find out, don't keep snooping because it'll just eat at you. Here's the problem I had though- I snooped and found no evidence of an A. But of course I still wondered if there was one, absence of evidence doesn't mean there isn't one. And it doesn't mean that there is. See you can really drive yourself crazy with that

Do you think the A was a reason why your W never wanted to recon? Although that is kind of mind reading. Just curious, no need to answer if the question is too rude. Sorry.

Not rude at all! Actually she did attempt a recon. That was when we went to Retrouvaille. By then I had started dating someone and my heart just wasn't in it. During the followup meetings I finally just told her I didn't think she was committed and I suggested we quit going, and we did. In retrospect I wish I had not started dating that soon, I think now that I was the one that wasn't committed rather than W. She never attempted recon again, although in the last 6 months she's greatly softened towards me and has invited me to lunches, dinners and movies (all with one or more of the kids though) and asked me to come over and help her with things around her house (which is unusual because for years she went out of her way to get help anywhere BUT from me even if I offered it). She also invited me over for my birthday (again, with the kids there). I don't know why the sudden change of heart after years of the cold shoulder but it's all good. I'm not interested in recon at this point anyway. That's the thing about DB'ing, once you become the best "you" that you can be, you just don't need the WAS anymore. All those crazy chemicals that make you think you will die if you don't get her back dissipate and you realize, yeah, I can live a life without her and in fact it can be a BETTER life. It's usually not until then that the WAS realizes you truly have moved on, and THEN they want you back, LOL! Life is full of irony!

[lcause]

Technically after BD it's not really an "affair" anymore in the WAS's eyes, because to them BD is divorce and the only thing left is the legal aspect.

Anyway, I wasn't suggesting that you should ignore the A, I was saying that you need to decide if you personally need to know. In my case I decided I didn't, but you may very well consider it very important. If you really need to know then a little snooping and sleuthing might be warranted. But once you find out, don't keep snooping because it'll just eat at you. Here's the problem I had though- I snooped and found no evidence of an A. But of course I still wondered if there was one, absence of evidence doesn't mean there isn't one. And it doesn't mean that there is. See you can really drive yourself crazy with that

I see, thanks. You are correct, obsessing about it in the past made me super anxious so I don't want to follow that route anymore. There are some oddities but they could also be explained without an active A. She would be quite an actress also but they say the person is not the same you knew after the BD happens.

That's the thing about DB'ing, once you become the best "you" that you can be, you just don't need the WAS anymore. All those crazy chemicals that make you think you will die if you don't get her back dissipate and you realize, yeah, I can live a life without her and in fact it can be a BETTER life. It's usually not until then that the WAS realizes you truly have moved on, and THEN they want you back, LOL! Life is full of irony!

Thanks for sharing a short version of your story. I need to read your sitch through That would be so crazy. Find myself in a situation where our roles would have turned around. I don't think that'll happen but envisioning it now feels so funny.

I find myself slacking again which is not good. I'm obsessing way too much. DR should be here this week.

[lcause]

Finally got my PC plugged in and working. I guess, ironically, I've already changed somewhat since while in R I spent too much time on PC... Now I've lived without a PC for a while and not even really needing it. Heh.

I realized that the worst thing driving my feelings right now is FEAR. Fear of the FUTURE. Fear of things like when do I get sex the next time? Do I even get sex ever anymore? Can I find a girl of my dreams being a dad for two kids already? Where do I find friends? Am I a failure and is my future always going to be empty?

Part of me really counted towards the future with my XW since she graduates to a career that pays very well. I know it's awkward but I really see myself enjoying someone career focused. Am I just being stupid for having these thoughts? Am I being too picky for thinking that I don't want to settle to someone less educated than myself? Come to think about it, I think I've always attracted more "successful" women... or at least they are "successful" now based on their linkedins - while being a complete non-success myself.

All of these are just driven by FEAR. And some points I hate in myself. Am I just being attached to my XW due to her bright future? I'm in a field where I could reach stars if I was the right kind of person. Maybe that's the person I'm really searching now? I've always WANTED to be that person who is driven by enthusiasm, social interactions, innovativeness, career... I am just so lost how to find that person. How to achieve the goals? I set goals... but I fail at achieving them. I'm the wrong kind of perfectionist. The one who wants perfection but fears to do anything because mediocrity feels like failing. Then I end up doing bad because I just procrastinate.

Man, this self reflection in a quiet small apt between four white walls staring to a bright white screen in dark is just pouring thoughts into my head. I want to find that true person, overcome my fear, cure my depression, destroy my bad habits, become the best father, become the best lover. I will do it, and if you read this through and you are in a similar situation, you will do it too!

[doodler]

Man, this self reflection...

It sounds like you're stuck in an infinite loop.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks AS and dale for the support.

I read another forum and they seem to be determined that an A has to be found and exposed before the marriage is even possible to be saved. If it stays under the radar for a long period of time, the marriage is 100% over. I suspect there is because of the WhatsApp use and some other stuff.

The problem is that I can't do anything about it. I can't snoop and according to these guidelines it is bad. Confronting her only gets lies if there is something and pushes her further away.'

this is a DB site, not another forum. Choose an approach and stick with it.

UNLESS you decide an A is a 100% dealbreaker and that if she's dating now (and you won't know when it began unless you do some serious snooping)

it's the same as if she dated years ago. THEN by all means, go at it. - I think I posted this before...

But watch yourself for the negative program looping going on...


I know I promised not to obsess about an A. I am not obsessing, just genuinely interested

and the difference is...???


if DBing naturally kills the affairs without exposure on them.

Exposure to whom? Of the reconciliations I have seen here, I'm not sure any contained exposure to 3rd parties.

Or Do you mean confronting her?

If so, To what end? I mean, she's out and she has filed for divorce.

There's no "faking a happy m" going on. (That would be a different story to me).

What is it you think would happen if you decided that rather than change your outlook,

you'll focus on whether she is dating? Get clear on this. What is the goal??

I still haven't read the book(s).

Honestly I would stop obsessing (or being genuinely interested in) and start reading the book that forms the basis of this approach.

You will get so much more out of this and you won't spin as much.

Hang in there. This is very early in the process...

[lcause]

With genuinely interested I meant on the strategy, not her A.

By knowing I could change my behavior towards her. I don't need to "fake it until I make it" if she's already in a new R. I don't need to behave like a friendly neighbor, but rather how I feel about it. I can set strict boundaries. Stop being a laughing stock for her and her new partner. I could start dating and finding a new love too because I'd know she's genuinely moved on.

It's easier for me to start making changes for my life if I know she's never there for me anymore. I can't just flip a switch in my brain to stop thinking about her and possible OM but a new R is genuinely something that would force it to happen after a short massive burst of grieving. It'll just come out much stronger if I'm lied to and I find it later. Even if I'm moved on.

If she is already happily divorced, why not tell about the R but LIE about it? Lie about caring how I feel? Are people so ignorant that they think by not telling they are caring? They are caring if they speak honestly and stop making comments like "time will show" or "i never said we couldn't be together in the future". Situations like these show the true colors.

[AnotherStander]

I realized that the worst thing driving my feelings right now is FEAR. Fear of the FUTURE. Fear of things like when do I get sex the next time?

THAT is completely normal for someone in your sitch. I had all the exact same thoughts after BD, they ate at me day and night. It takes a while but those thoughts will slow down and eventually go away. YOU WILL BE OK!

Do I even get sex ever anymore? Can I find a girl of my dreams being a dad for two kids already? Where do I find friends? Am I a failure and is my future always going to be empty?

I hope this doesn't come off as boasting because I don't mean it to, I'm just trying to let you know that you have every reason to hope and no reason to despair. But when I started dating again, I could not find women my age that wanted to do anything more than text or email endlessly. I started contacting younger women and found them a lot more open to meeting right away. I heard the same stories over and over again about how selfish guys their age were and how they are extremely attracted to older guys that are confident, financially secure and gentlemen (which seems to be a dying art these days). My girlfriend and I have been together now for 2-1/2 years. She is young, very attractive, has a killer body and thinks I hung the moon. She has pretty much no inhibitions, our sex life would make a porn star blush, LOL! Frankly I often wonder how I managed to win the lotto on this deal So yes, you will have sex again and it may very well be the best sex of your life. Do you watch Vikings? There was a scene where Rollo is talking to the Seer after having lost everything, and is asking if there's any hope for him, if his life is over. The Seer laughs and says something like "Oh Rollo, if you knew what the gods have in store for you, you would go down now and dance naked on the beach!" I think that is true for a lot of us. The new life we build after BD is usually pretty darned amazing. Like you I thought losing my W was the end of my life. It was the end of THAT life, but this new one has been a whole lot of fun

[lcause]

Thanks AS. Your continued support is invaluable. It's nice to hear that your life is superb now. Cases like these really do help because it could happen for me as well! However, if I would start dating younger women, I would most likely have to "make" more babies which I'm really not that keen to do. Always thought three would be nice but I'm totally fine with two.

I haven't watched Vikings but I think I should. Now I have the time to do anything I really want to!

Feeling a bit down today as job seeking feels so overwhelming. It feels like my MSc papers could really be used better in place of toiler paper. Part of me thinks that the biggest and coolest achievement/GAL I could do/get is to get a proper job. Also - why can't dating/one night thingies be kept as a good GAL activity? Certainly would take my mind off from things...

My XW sent me a message saying that my daughter has had super good time with me. She's been opening a bit it seems... dunno how to interact... keeping my answers short and nice.

[cheesyt]

keeping my answers short and nice.

that sounds like a good way to go.
hang in there!

[lcause]

Nothing new today on the sitch, except my XW brought me some food again and sent me a picture of our S. Briefly talked how quickly he is developing skills.

I felt really emotional today mainly due to that picture. I'm missing more than half of the life of my children. It feels bad. My XW said in the previous R talk we had that our M had good parts and she really did love me but felt like we just didn't progress. She waited for me to change but I never did. She feels that we are both going to get better lives now. I thought about that today as well which just made me lose all the remaining hope I had left.

I spent a few bucks on different books. DR should be here tomorrow. Other books I ordered:
- Who Moved My Cheese?
- The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
- How to Win Friends and Influence People
- The Happiness Trap
- Thinking, Fast and Slow
- No More Mr. Nice Guy

I would gladly take more suggestions for life changing/motivation/lifestyle books!