Out of curiousity - did she do this the first 2 times she returned? I remember you saying one return was quite dramatic with her weeping at a coffee shop, but did she do any of these little things before she finally returned the other times?
Would W be this giving and sweet to you normally, Thornton? Or is this out of character for her? I know you've mentioned BPD, and there is a concept called "hoovering" where after the target has put up boundaries, the BPD sufferer tries to emotionally pull the target back in. I know we can't and shouldn't diagnose her, but it's just something to think about in terms of trying to process what is happening here.
And what's up with her mentioning your therapy? Is she in therapy? Does she potentially view your therapy as something that impacts her, like that you're not an "abuser" any longer because you're seeking therapy?
She appears to be trying to cross boundaries all over the place and I'm wondering about more of the context.
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just said thanks for being there for me.
I think you did really well, though I'd not follow through with letting her be there for me. You can, and should, handle your grief with the help of stable people who care for you.
I don't think you'd find a way to emotionally depend on W, but I'm just saying it's a bad idea if you are tempted.
Another way to put up a boundary with her would have been "That's horrible. Thank you for letting me know" about your friend, and ignore her emotional stuff.
That's a way to show W that you're not going to let W use what happened as a way to feel close to you, without having to say a word. You've had plenty of practice here and know the best way to free her up to become self-motivated to want closeness with you is to dodge her small attempts with your actions.
By the way, I was thinking of you yesterday. I was digging through my closet trying to find a tote bag, and in the tote bag was a handmade one with ex-SD's initials on it. It looked like something she made when she was younger. Finding it was really painful for me and I thought of you because I knew you'd understand that particular feeling of loss.
W is normally a very sweet and giving person. She's been there for me during rough times. She's also bailed on me during rough times.
I'm not really sure why she is mentioning my therapy. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that she hoped we could get back together after we both completed our therapy and things were better.
I know that W is fishing for some sort of commitment from me but I'm not sure why. It almost feels like she wants me to commit to being with her while we live apart. That makes zero sense to me. We break up, but not really?
Im sure seeing your SD's initials on that tote brought up some strong emotions. I know it would for me. I often find myself looking at pics of SD on my phone, I miss her so much.
I know that W is fishing for some sort of commitment from me but I'm not sure why. It almost feels like she wants me to commit to being with her while we live apart. That makes zero sense to me. We break up, but not really?
She's like a monkey swinging from branch to branch. They never let go of the last branch until they have a firm grasp on the new one. Whatever that new branch for her was when she left you has turned out not to be what she thought it was so she wants to come back. First she's going to make sure that you're all-in before she let's go of the other branch.
As much as I'm pro-marriage I see by your signature this was her third strike. Doesn't that mean she's out?
A few weeks ago, she mentioned that she hoped we could get back together after we both completed our therapy and things were better.
Your therapy is for you, not to shape you into someone who can cope with someone up repeatedly leaves you, correct? I am pretty certain that you know that, but does W?
Because I'm getting the impression that she may see your IC as benefiting her. Why? What was so intolerable that she had to go? And does she think your live continues to revolve around her?
DB involves letting go and not trying to control someone who has left you. Note that she's trying to control you and your choices and that's not cool.
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I'm not really sure why she is mentioning my therapy. A few weeks ago, she mentioned that she hoped we could get back together after we both completed our therapy and things were better.
I know that W is fishing for some sort of commitment from me but I'm not sure why. It almost feels like she wants me to commit to being with her while we live apart. That makes zero sense to me. We break up, but not really?
You know this, Thornton!
Because she's putting herself first. She wants you to help her feel more confident about her decision to leave you, and knowing that she's secured you if she wants you will significantly lessen her worries that she's made a mistake. If her actions are reversible, she'll have the confidence to really get out there and search for happiness, and a built up ego while doing so.
She wants to know you'll hold tight as her back-up plan, and you know that is not fair to you. She wants to leave you behind but also keep you attached to her.
Work with your counselor to see these texts for what they are - bait - so you don't end up holding onto emotional attachments that you should be putting behind you.
I don't think your W is a bad person, but I do think she is very manipulative and invested in what you can do for her. If she put any thought into this, a "Boy, it's really unfair for me to leave him and then keep reaching out to him" might cross her mind, but she doesn't appear to be thinking of you.
Much like leahsue's former-situation with all of the contact with her H, I am both envious of all the contact and relieved that I don't have to deal with it. It does add in some extra challenges.
Sorry for the triple post, but there is probably another element to her texts that I just thought of.
On some level, she knows leaving the same guy three times is a bit... intense. She knows that anyone knowing that fact might judge her for it. So if she can maintain a good relationship with you, and if you appear to still care about her, then she can't be a bad person, right?
So she wants relief from any guilt she feels, and some sort of tangible evidence that her choices aren't incredibly selfish. All the better if the guy she left will still view her as someone he still wants to care for.
