Here again part 9

[T384]

To be honest I have no clue.

I've been living in limbo since March and felt like I was just waiting for him to leave and now he has.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess taking a break from here. Not snooping on H and focusing on school and the boys.

[woundedfool]

To be honest I have no clue.

I've been living in limbo since March and felt like I was just waiting for him to leave and now he has.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess taking a break from here. Not snooping on H and focusing on school and the boys.

No! Focus on YOU! Not from the selfish context.... yes we all have responsibilities (school, kids, etc). But if you can not coordinate H to take care of the kids, take the plunge on a sitter or daycare.

But also YES, remove the focus from H and don't snoop.




Darn... there used to be an edit post button if done within a couple of minutes... but apparently thats gone now too.

Anyway, another thing:

In the context of sitter/daycare/H watching the kids... start with something simple for YOU:

Re-read DB and if time DR... its like your taking a step back for clarity.

[25yearsmlc]

FORGET the "light and breezy" stuff for now. Why? Because that's still putting your focus on saving your M.

Just stop and BREATHE, T. No more worrying about what you are "supposed" to do. When you ask that, you're asking us to tell you how to help you save your M. Don't even try to save your M right now. Save yourself.

What does THAT look like, T?

this^^^

You have asked us what it looks like and I swear to you, I relate. If you knew what was happening in my life or on my thread (not insulting, just saying I don't want to repeat it all)

you'd know I KNOW how hard it is to unravel a life you had and a future you planned and making sense of a m you thought you were in...

I now see that I spent a ton of energy working to maintain the belief (illusion?) that my h was all in our m, that we were a team, that he cared deeply for me AND our children and that IF IF IF he could have, he'd spend more time at home...

even in the face of evidence to the contrary, I maintained this belief and defended h to an unhealthy amount. Which I no longer need to do.

A part of me that is small but growing, sees that in time, I will have a lot more energy for MY LIFE than I had before, (b/c I was so busy juggling other's r's with h or pretending that h and the kids "Just need more time together" and or that the secretiveness of h meant something other than what it meant...trying to control the outcome and maneuvering other's and pondering and worrying and blah blah blah.

ENOUGH. OMG yes this hurts like he11, at a cellular level, but it is happening anyhow. It's so very wrong and so unfair, and it's happening anyhow

it's the opposite of what I wanted & dreamed and planned, but it's happening anyhow. I'm now 57, not 47. And it's still happening.

I spent an added decade of my life trying to make something work with a man who is not able to be what he once was, or who I thought he was and for sure is not who I need now...and that is happening anyhow.

Some of this^^^ seems relevant to your situation and how many times you say you "don't want a divorce/baby to grow up in a divorced family/don't want this life".

We know. We get it. Repeating it does Not help you.

It's a loop and it's a rut and you need to swerve your car sharply back onto the road.

Anyway, back to what it might look like...

So here is an outline off the top of my head, okay? Sort of in order...

1) Self care for T0. At least one thing per day, like "meditates 10 minutes" /"Listen to self help tape"/ "go running"/ and one thing per week "T0 sees T/T0 gets massage",

2) fun or nurturing kid activity - (with a newborn, I'd modify this later)

- one thing per day, "play at park with boys", "outside walk with all 3", or "visit Fun relative" 2 x weekly, and monthly each of the older boys gets one on one time with T0

3) professional/school advancement FOR T0, daily "check on homework"/read relevant article friend sent/ watch motivational film/video/,

and then monthly, touching base with classmates or work colleagues for a social and professional networking activity. It's fun, it's GAL and it helps your career.

4) financial/divorce work - see a L, talk to a financial planner, set aside some money asap.


5) ADD on a GAL and do it, monthly. Yes, even this month. Even with a newborn.

You need it and your boys need you.

PS

And read Sandi's post to you 3 more times, please....it'll help you move forward.

[T384]

Thanks everyone.

Thanks for the list 25

I'm going to read through DR the next couple nights. The baby is super fussy and clingy today he has to get 3 shots today. Poor guy. Took the boys to lunch after and we've been hanging at home since the baby is fussy.

25 - you give me a lot to think about BUT I will say I'm not entirely convinced H wasn't the man. I thought he was or all in on our marriage. I think he was. Well I know he was. Until this year. Like I said it was like a switch flipped in February. Something changed. My dad agreed - he is very close with H and said around the times of the flowers he gave the coworker it was like he became very disconnected. He connected a little when baby came and then came severely disconnected the last month. That's the most frustrating part is he can just flip like a light switch.

The one thing I know about H is when things are good for him it's great. If something goes wrong or he's unhappy about anything then it radiates to every relationship and thing in his life. He's continued to tell me he isn't happy with himself and that I'm the source of his unhappiness.

I'm always typing on my phone so it's hard to remember every point in trying to respond to.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that I shouldn't be trying to save my M?

I feel like I should be doing something for my M, for my family for my boys ... not for me. I've always put all of them ahead of me.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks everyone.

Thanks for the list 25

I'm going to read through DR the next couple nights. The baby is super fussy and clingy today he has to get 3 shots today. Poor guy. Took the boys to lunch after and we've been hanging at home since the baby is fussy.

25 - you give me a lot to think about BUT I will say I'm not entirely convinced H wasn't the man. I thought he was or all in on our marriage. I think he was. Well I know he was. Until this year.

I did not mean to say he was not the man you believed he was. I'm not erasing your marital history. (Or mine). I'm saying your h is not who you need now, and that is just true.


Like I said it was like a switch flipped in February. Something changed.

since I've been pondering the "WHEN?/WHY??" questions in circles for months, and did it for a year a decade ago, let me ask you a question.

What difference would having an exact date and time, make now? I mean, what if a crystal ball said "T0, your h switched off the M on 2/4/2017 at 3pm" ?

How would that help you, today? What affect would that have on your course of action now?

My dad agreed - he is very close with H and said around the times of the flowers he gave the coworker it was like he became very disconnected. He connected a little when baby came and then came severely disconnected the last month. That's the most frustrating part is he can just flip like a light switch.

The one thing I know about H is when things are good for him it's great. If something goes wrong or he's unhappy about anything then it radiates to every relationship and thing in his life. He's continued to tell me he isn't happy with himself and that I'm the source of his unhappiness.
-

Life gives all of us - every single one of us -either a curve ball of tragedy or undue hardship (prolonged illness or a serious injury, job loss/financial stress, death or tragedy in a family member, a difficult or sick child, prison for someone close to them)

- AND OR normal build ups of multiple life stressors, as you have at the moment.

That's when the partners each step up to the plate, or one of them bolts. You are telling us something in this post. Do you see it?


I'm always typing on my phone so it's hard to remember every point in trying to respond to.

Why is it so hard for me to accept that I shouldn't be trying to save my M?

I'm not saying that, necessarily. I am saying THIS marriage is not salvageable. Salvage yourself b/c you do not seem to be making yourself your priority.

Your h may step up to the plate with a seismic change of heart and increased self awareness and maybe that will endure,

but more curve balls are coming in your life for sure, and you already have a life structured for chronic pressures of kids and 2 careers. So, do you want THIS man?

Because if you do, you have to let him go.

If you don't, you have to let him go....see the pattern?


I feel like I should be doing something for my M, for my family for my boys ... not for me. I've always put all of them ahead of me.

what if putting yourself IS what is best for your boys and your family and yes, your m?

[T384]

I'm just waiting for the day where I can wake up and think F U for putting us through this again. I'm trying to get to that stage instead of the cry fest.

My dad said people are at their best when things are at their worst.. H is showing me he isn't that person. He said no matter how much of a pain in the ass H thinks I can be that I need to go to sleep every night knowing I don't deserve this. That's what I'm struggling with. Is this entirely my fault? I guess that's why I wanted so badly to find out concrete OW evidence ... almost like a reason I guess? But I have to remember he hid it very well last time and it took a few months for me to have evidence because everything was happening at work. Which is probably exactly what is happening now.

Anyway, I'm scared. Will I be truly happy again. I've had to stop looking at my Facebook memories that. One up every day because it's all things with H and the kids and vacations etc that we were doing when we were all so happy.

So H text 'im going to help move again tonight then I will come spend the night' I didn't reply yet ... yes I asked him to stay the night and help but part of me wants to tell him he doesn't need to stay anymore .. any thoughts on this? He doesn't help at all at night. He comes eats dinner works out and sits on the couch and has limited interaction with anyone. He snaps at the boys very easily. I feel like it's more stressful for me for him to be here because I'm so concerned about putting on my happy face and being as if.

[sandi2]

So what does that look like?

Asking H for a schedule? Retaining a L? How do I move forward?

What would you do if he lived across the country? As far as you being able to depend upon him to stick to a schedule.........(and I definitely think he should keep them at his place, not at your place)........well, good luck. Maybe Train and the others have more experience with how to enforce it. I mean, how do you make someone show up on time? Yes, I suggest getting legal counsel.

What does your state do about child custody, if the father walked away or was in an affair? I think many places are 50/50 child custody, regardless of an A. It's awful, and people of my generation are seeing their grandchildren living out of suitcases b/c they are constantly coming or going from one parent to the other. It breaks my heart.

The schedule would allow me to have a set time to plan on him watching the kids if I have things I need to do. It would allow some predictablity for the boys vs him coming by whenever it works for him. HOWEVER I don't see me asking for a s schedule being a positive in H eyes. He will see it as me trying to control the situation. He said in C the woman I used to be was laid back and went with the flow and that since school started I'm not that person

.

I can see why someone in your circumstances could become confused, b/c of the amount and maybe various forms of advice. FWIW, it's not just you. A few years ago, I realized a person I had tried to mentor was still applying the initial advice he had been given under different circumstances. Just as with him, I think your circumstances have changed, since your H is trying to buy a house and move his life in a different direction. You have to step up to protect yourself, and the welfare of your children.

Perhaps, it would help if you knew your objective. How can you know what to do if you don't know the objective? You ultimately want to save the M. For now, however, try to put that thought on the back burner, so you can begin to see more clearly what needs to be done at the moment. Let's break down some main objectives, beginning with scheduling.

What is your objective in having a set schedule for the kids? It's b/c it will help you and will be more routine and predictable for the boys. Right? That's all. Don't get distracted by guessing thoughts of your H. You have to let go of all these things you try to control in your H's life. Starting with........what he may think about you asking for a set schedule. Who gives a care what he thinks? That's not the objective. The objective in having a schedule is about what is best for YOU and the boys.........not what's best for H.

The "control" issue is a no win, either way you go. You are either trying to control what he thinks about you.......or you are worried he will think you are being controlling. Confusing, isn't it? So, first step of not controlling is to let go of worrying about his thoughts. He thinks you are controlling? His problem. It's not positive in his eyes? His problem, not yours. You could be perfect, and you would still fall short in the eyes of a wayward spouse! Why? B/c the problem is within themselves, not their LBS. Therefore, if you can be honest with yourself and know you have no hidden agenda and not trying to control anything about your H's life or what he thinks........then don't undertake the burden for his problems.

I guess the schedule would be more about H and the kids THEN me. I see it more as holding him accountable so probably not the right idea right now. I guess I can continue on with my life making plans and if he decides to come around so be it?

Well if it were me, he wouldn't come around whenever HE decided to come! Why would he get to keep those kind of privileges if he has left you? I mean, you've tried playing the one big happy family part.......and last I heard, you were still sleeping with him when he stayed overnight. So, when you have already done those things and he still pushes to leave.........then you need to change directions b/c he just gave up those rights, IMHO. After all, isn't that kind of a relationship called marriage, where the family is doing things together and the parents are sleeping in the same bed? He made his choice, but so far......I haven't seen anything change b/c of it. I know some people might say to continue going that direction, and show him what he's missing. My question is how can he miss it, if he gets to cash in occasionally? Anyway, getting back to what's best for YOU........how can you expect to detach with him coming & going whenever he chooses? Right now, you need to detach for yourself.

This is an example of how you get off track when you start thinking about him. It is not your job to hold him accountable. He is living a separate life from you, and as long as he doesn't break the law or hurt one of the kids.........how are you going to hold him accountable? You can't force him to be a good parent. You can try to not be manipulated or taken advantage of.......and, I guess you could take him to court if he had a track record in not holding up his end of things, but for right now.......just let go of the idea of holding him accountable. Let go in order to free yourself. You don't need to be his arresting officer. Life is too short. (This is not a wayward who is trying to stay in the MR, and trying to earn your trust again).

I struggle with what I'm supposed to do as far as contact. When he was texting last week asking about my day and thanking me I never responded. I guess maybe I should respond to those things?

It seems to be a fine line for the spouse that's left behind. I mean, you could find a reason to text him every single day.........just about the kids. I come the older generation that did not grow up with cell phones. So, my H and I never had the habit of calling each other while on the job......just to see how our day was going. If we called, it was something important. Now days, I don't know how employers get work out of their staff, b/c everyone is texting! I grew up seeing things done quite differently than how things are done today. Anyway, if I were you, I would not respond unless it was about the kids, or business. Having a newborn..........wow......I just had a big lump to come in my throat, remembering my D going through that experience. Tough times. I know it won't be easy, TO, but you can do what you need to do.

As far as telling him about the baby seeing the doctor........was it for a checkup? Maybe say, "Baby's 6 weeks checkup was fine", and leave it at that, unless he asks something directly about the checkup. In the initial detaching, some people have found it helpful to use as few words as possible when texting. When it becomes several sentences......you're talking too much, using too much time, and too much energy.

Is this entirely my fault?

I'm just going to ignore that question.

So H text 'im going to help move again tonight then I will come spend the night' I didn't reply yet ... yes I asked him to stay the night and help but part of me wants to tell him he doesn't need to stay anymore .. any thoughts on this? He doesn't help at all at night. He comes eats dinner works out and sits on the couch and has limited interaction with anyone. He snaps at the boys very easily. I feel like it's more stressful for me for him to be here because I'm so concerned about putting on my happy face and being as if.

So if it doesn't help you, what is your objective in him spending the night? This might be the right time to tell him, "This doesn't really work well on this end, I think we need to consider a schedule for when to have the kids". If he tries to argue, just don't respond. If he come, or if he doesn't........oh well. At least, you've introduced the subject of scheduling, and he'll see that you aren't going to wait around for him to be a popup dad whenever the mood strikes him. Reminds me of the old "Jack in the Box" wind up toy where you never knew when Jack would pop out of the box.

[T384]

Thanks Sandi,

A lot to digest. I think I'm going to take a few days and figure out my course of action. I'm thinking of taking the boys away for the weekend.

H continues to lie every day. Yes I know I need to detach but that is my reason for wanting the schedule. He texts me saying he has to do XYZ and won't be at the house til late. But that's not what he's doing at all ...

But because he's not saying he wants to work on the R it's not my business to call him out, right?

The last we talked - he needed space to figure out why he feels this way and to see if things will work out between us. Again, I know he's lying when he says that because it's the exact line he gave me last time.

Anyway I guess that's my thought IRT the schedule. He thinks he's dad of the year coming to sleep on the couch at 9pm getting here eating dinner working out and watching tv on the couch all night - not exactly helpful with the kids. He will take the baby if I bring him to him by doesn't offer anything. Hell he doesn't even come in and kiss the baby when he gets here half the time.

So that was the scheduling question. He goes out and lies about where he is and what he's doing on his own accord (I'm not asking what he's doing) and then still comes here at night like he's Mr helpful

[T384]

Okay Sandi unfortunately it's / 50/50 here and A doesn't matter and also the fact that he's done this before doesn't matter. It was a pretty big sh!t sandwich that I got from the L I met with. Again made me even more think this is not what I want kicking and screaming. But I have to let go.

My dads advice is pretty identical to what you are telling me. Suck it up buttercup. You got f'd yes he's a POS yes he should rot in hell yes he will regret this decision for the rest of his life yes what happened last time is exactly what's going to happen again. He doesn't get why I can't see that. He said it's like he is watching a rerun of the most terrible movie ever released. He said the only time H respects me is when I don't give 2 shits about him. Like last time. He said don't you remember he couldn't stand seeing you happy without him. He wants me to get angry and move on. I get it and I am getting there a little
More each day.

I'm a fixer. I want to make everything okay. I just I don't like conflict I just want to deal with the issue and move on rather than sweep it under the rug and drag it out.

I told my dad I just feel hurt and rejected. I feel unattractive as it is and need to pull myself out of this feeling. I think I mentioned before my brother said who would want to be wihth someone with 3 young kids. I have that haunting in my head. He wasn't saying it to be mean I don't believe we have a good relationship but still it was a gut punch.

Every single person in my life says H doesn't deserve me. That he was given the gift of a lifetime to have a second chance and he didn't deserve it.

Like I said before I'm going to enjoy this weekend with the kids I have a big test Monday and a paper due Wednesday. How nice to have those things scedhukes around the holiday weekend. Damn grad school. But I don't need anymore stress so I'm going to take the time to get those things out of the way and live
My life Day by day. I have spoke with a L. I am as protected as I am going to be financially. Me setting a schedule or doing anything in the next week is not going to change anything toward the better at this moment it will just add more stress for me so I will suck it up and make plans with the boys and if he chooses to reach out I will decide IF he can join or he can have the kids one day himself. I am dropping expectations of him as a father. He's chosen not to be present UNLESS airs convenience for him. If we go on the boat I will decide if he's invited. It will depend on my mood and what's best for the children. NOT because of what I'm worried he will think or do because he has shown he's going to do whatever he wants.

I did send a text earlier - baby was 15 lbs 3oz 24.5 in long 99 percentile and poor guy got 4 shots. And left it at that... I didn't engage further but I'm going to be the bigger person. I am not going to give him ANY ammunition toward me to paint me to be the person he is convincing himself I am.

So if I can muster up being nice and as if I will. If I'm having a bad day and don't feel like it I won't. But I am going to try my damn best to be the person only a fool would leave. Not by pursuing but just by being the better person. I will not kiss his ass and I will not allow him to do anything to hurt the kids in the meantime. And right now they're okay. They don't really seem to care if he comes by during the week or not. The weekends are where it will be difficult but he was present the entire weekend this last week so we will take it as it comes.

That's about all I can do for now.

[Maybell]

T: Who would want to be with someone with three young kids? You'd be surprised. I've been dating someone for a year and a half who wished for kids all his life and is happy to be part of my family. He even comes to band concerts and karate belt tests, something my kids' dad doesn't always do (often misses). My Guy takes my kids out in the backyard and throws baseballs with them, talks to me about my parenting challenges and is actually really insightful and helpful to me. I gave him a Father's Day card just from me, thanking him for all his help, and it brought tears to his eyes.

Who's going to date someone with three young kids? The guy you deserve, that's who.

Mr. Fantastic turned switches like that whenever he'd had a hook up. I just didn't realize that was what had happened till long after the fact. Your H is more helpful not coming than coming? It's OK to tell him you need space and not to come. I haven't read your whole thread, just enough to get the gist of what's been going on, but it's absolutely imperative that you take good care of yourself. You are the sane parent for your boys. We've already seen that perfectly clearly. Make sure you're able to maintain that. It's going to be a long haul, but once you get past this storm, it's going to be SO MUCH BETTER that you won't even believe you fought for this disrespectful, dishonest, untrustworthy, blame-shifting, self-absorbed guy. I promise you.

With regards to feeling unattractive... here's the other thing that really surprised me. I was 42 when Mr. Fantastic moved out. I felt every minute of it. I probably looked older than 42. But now that he's been away for a while, I look ten years younger. NO JOKE. And I hear this almost daily from strangers. So it's not my mirror lying to me. So how you feel right now, that's temporary. When the storm starts to subside, when you've figured out how to take care of yourself, when you start saying yes to T0324 and no to Mr. Runaway, you'll realize how beautiful you are, and it will start shining out of you. It won't be easy, but it will be so worth it, and you'll be happy.

I fought so hard for my marriage. I promised my daughter "I'll fix this." (That was pretty stupid). I cried buckets for a guy who, now that I have more perspective, was never the guy I gave him credit for being. He played a role till the role required more of him than he wanted to give, and then he decided "this isn't what I want." I never thought I'd be happy like I am. Even when things are tough and I'm feeling overwhelmed, it's worth it.

You'll decide these things in your own time, but I want you to hear a voice of hope, and a cheer of encouragement. This isn't your fault. A man who can build a family with someone and then decide he has an optional role, isn't a man. If you really svcked, he had other options. He's blameshifting onto you because he knows he svcks and he doesn't want to face it, so he's making it your problem (come to think of it, just as he's made caring for everything else in your family's life your problem). He comes over to "help"? No, a father cares for his children. He doesn't stop in like a lazy uncle. None of this is on you. You've more than pulled your weight.

(((((((T0324)))))) You've got this, lady!!!