Finding my way in the dark

[Coconut]

I hear you on the stop snooping for your sanity, and it is difficult to stop yourself from implying the worst for everything you see.

In my case, I found I love you's and other relationship talk in texts... I didn't have to wonder.

If you don't feel like it's in YOUR best interests, then don't do it. Basically nothing can improve until an A ends, so not knowing just allows a wayward spouse to eat cake for a longer period of time. But like I said, your path to self improvement is the same in either scenario.

[Cristy]

I thought I was clear on that before, but I would delete it, fire your C and seek out a solutions-based C or a DB coach.

Thanks. You were clear about finding someone new. I just wasn't sure if it was worth mentioning to W. Sounds like it's not.

Hello Holding,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

It is going to sound like an echo around here. I agree that it would be best to stop MC with this counselor. No need to go if MC doesn't consider your M to be her client. Your wife could just be checking off a box so she can claim that she did everything she could.

Many of your online friends will agree that Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and keep your family together. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Holding]

AS and C-Nut, thanks for the responses on snooping! I'll continue to avoid it and instead work on making myself happy. Snooping really does make me feel dirty and ashamed. I'm better than that.

Cristy, thanks for the encouragement. I have been thinking about a coaching session, and may take the plunge soon.

Journaling:

W has been out of town for a few days, and the lack of tension in the house is refreshing. I don't like to look at wedding pictures or other pictures of us around the house. There's a picture of us on my dresser that I've been thinking about putting away. But then I realize I'd be doing that to see if she notices, to get a reaction from her, and I shouldn't be focusing on her but on myself instead.

I'm going on my third day of not wearing my ring. Not having the ring on has made me realize one positive thing: I don't need to be married to be a good father to my boys.

Yesterday she actually called me, which was a surprise. We just talked a few minutes about her trip and I asked how it was going. She asked again if everything was okay, and I said yes. At the end I said "have fun", and she left a silence hanging there like she was hoping I would say something else. I didn't, and instead said "Ok, bye". She said bye and the call ended. I think I handled that well.

When my wife comes back in town, I know she'll ask if I missed her. This was an ongoing issue in our relationship, where my wife felt like I didn't miss her when she was out of town. She'd ask and I'd say, "A little" or "Not really, you were only gone a couple of days". Of course, I did miss her, but I just said those things to shield myself from the pain, since she was always traveling. And now ... I don't know if I miss her. I don't know where I want things to go from here. Any advice on how I should handle this would be great!

[TxHubby]

You can be honest with her. If she asks if you missed her you can say "of course, you're my wife, I love you" then cut it off and leave it at that. Preferably walk out of the room at that time and disengage.

As for snooping/not snooping, affairs suck but you have to know where you stand to properly strategize these things. The strategy is different for a faithful spouse talking about D then it is for the "ILYBNILWY" cheating spouse. BTW, that's what most of them say. Ever think about why they would say that particular thing? It's because they have feelings for someone else and it made them realize, or at least falsely realize, they don't feel that way about you. Think about the statement. If they say they're no longer "in love" with you it's because they have something to compare that feeling against. Someone else.

I got that too.

What I see is that you still know WAY too much about her comings and goings. That's not the 180, detaching, GAL, etc. You know that. Her life is hers. Yours is yours. Be more concerned about all the awesome things you can do with your life than the dishonest, seedy things she can do with hers. That's her dishonest life, not yours. Yours is an honest life.

Whatever you're doing for detaching, GAL, moving on, etc. is not enough. I can tell by how much you know about her daily activities.

Once I decided to REALLY do the program all-in 100% then I rarely had any idea what my cheating wife was up to. Her seedy dishonest business/life, not mine. My new life was going to be awesome because I would accept nothing less. I put my plans in motion and executed them. I transformed right in front of her eyes. I went from the sobbing "where are you going?" crybaby husband of a cheater to not asking her a word about anything and doing great things with my life.

Go on an adventure with friends that you haven't done before as a couple. Go zip-lining. Go sky diving. Go on a hike at the nearest state/national park. Be very visible about your awesome new changes but don't talk about them with her. You're too busy to waste time on that.

Seriously my friend. It works.

[Holding]

TXHubby, thanks so much for your input!

Message received on the GAL front. I'll go more in that direction. I do have something pretty adventurous planned for later in the week.

If she asks about being missed, you're recommending I actually say "of course, you're my wife, I love you"? That last part seems out of step with LRT. Plus I've reached a point where I'm not sure what I'm feeling and if I really do miss her.

[TxHubby]

TXHubby, thanks so much for your input!

Message received on the GAL front. I'll go more in that direction. I do have something pretty adventurous planned for later in the week.

If she asks about being missed, you're recommending I actually say "of course, you're my wife, I love you"? That last part seems out of step with LRT. Plus I've reached a point where I'm not sure what I'm feeling and if I really do miss her.

The program are guidelines. In your case if you feel more comfortable leaving out the last part then so be it. Do what you think will work best for your situation. What I liked to do is leave it in, say it then walk off. No engagement. If they responded trying to pull you into something then say can't talk about it right now, gotta go....and go. Stay active and otherwise engaged in other activities.

Now, if that's something that you have been saying then stop saying it. It will be noticed. The 180 is about changing directions from a lot of things you were doing that wasn't working. It can mean different things for different people. Do what you feel in your case will be the smartest thing to do. When in doubt, however, then check here, with a DB coach, or re-read the books.

[Holding]

Thanks again, Tx!

I think I'll stay away from ILY for now. I want to hold off saying it until I know my W really wants to hear it, and maybe until she can say it to me first (realizing that may never happen again). After BD, I was constantly saying ILY and got responses like "You Too" or "I'll always love you". So I don't want to return to the place of putting myself out there and getting shot down.

[TxHubby]

Thanks again, Tx!

I think I'll stay away from ILY for now. I want to hold off saying it until I know my W really wants to hear it, and maybe until she can say it to me first (realizing that may never happen again). After BD, I was constantly saying ILY and got responses like "You Too" or "I'll always love you". So I don't want to return to the place of putting myself out there and getting shot down.

Sounds like a good plan. If she asks if you missed her you could just say "of course" or "of course, you're my wife" but either way walk out of the conversation right after that. I developed great skills in cutting off conversations and walking off to do something else. As if I always had something better to do than talking with her.

[Cristy]

I think I'll stay away from ILY for now. I want to hold off saying it until I know my W really wants to hear it, and maybe until she can say it to me first (realizing that may never happen again). After BD, I was constantly saying ILY and got responses like "You Too" or "I'll always love you". So I don't want to return to the place of putting myself out there and getting shot down.

Hello holding,

I would hold off on saying ILY at this point. However there are things that could work and make a difference. I suggest you speak to a DB coach, as they are experts in looking at what has happened to bring you to this point in your relationship and what is the best way to interact with her, so that you are most likely to bring her closer and not push her any further away. Your coach's expertise will help you come up with a very specific plan (that may be counter intuitive to what you feel like saying and doing) on how to best turn things around. I wish you all the best and would be happy to discuss the coaching with you.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Holding]

Can someone explain "dropping the rope" and where it fits in on the DB spectrum?

Is it between LRT and Going Dark?

And are Private Messages disabled for everyone, or is that something we earn after so many posts?