I have been separated from my wife and three-year-old daughter for the last six months. They live in Seattle and I'm back in Australia.
I left my wife six months ago when we were living in America, and after she had been going on and on about wanting both her parents to live in our home. They recently got permanent residency to live in America, and moreover, her brother just moved from the other side of the U.S. to live down the street from us.
Aside from her demands to have her parents move into our home, she also said that from now on they would join us on any holidays along with her brother’s family. Surely this is not part of the marriage contract. I wanted the sovereignty of our family. Anyway, the pressure was building until the day came when she threatened to see an Attorney to see what her legal options would be to have me removed from the family home. She crossed the line with that so I packed my bags and left. Would anyone here tolerate having their inlaws live in their home?
Some background - she had already left me twice before. But since we had a child, and others insisted on ‘happy wife, happy life’, I decided (against the judgement of my relatives) to pursue the ‘better’ path and try to make her happy. Every time I gave in to her, the rules changed, the bar of approval was raised. The result being that we lost our double-income nice lifestyle in Australia. I shutdown my career in Australia and followed her to America where she got a job. It was then that the rules changed and the only arguments we had was around her family and her parents and letting them control our life – I was opposed to them and wanted the right to control the destiny of my own family. She would have none of it and issued ultimatum after ultimatum i.e., ‘change or leave’. She had hoped that I would cave like I always did and give in. But I could see the writing on the wall. I drew the line in the sand, and said no further. America is an expensive place to live, and I wanted to ensure the success of our family and have enough for retirement. I refuse to fund the retirement of these parents from the third world, and help the rest of their relatives come to America.
Sorry for the long post.
My questions are: How do I deal with my daughter being so far away? We do have regular Skype calls. Will my wife ever return? Currently there is no plans by her to divorce me ever. Will it be expensive for my wife to be a single mom and take care of her non-english speak parents in her home (with health insurance payments, and other expenses?) and will this be a factor that will lead to her abandoning them and returning to me? What strategies can I take moving forward?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Aside from her demands to have her parents move into our home, she also said that from now on they would join us on any holidays along with her brother’s family. Surely this is not part of the marriage contract. I wanted the sovereignty of our family. Anyway, the pressure was building until the day came when she threatened to see an Attorney to see what her legal options would be to have me removed from the family home. She crossed the line with that so I packed my bags and left. Would anyone here tolerate having their inlaws live in their home?
That definitely sounds like a touchy situation. Was the living situation with her parents moving in intended to be temporary or permanent? Regarding the vacations I probably would have tried to negotiate something with her, like maybe you have some vacations with her family and some without.
Originally Posted By: athas
Will my wife ever return? Currently there is no plans by her to divorce me ever.
But you left her, right? Are you asking if she’ll ever return to Australia? Very hard to say, but if family is as important to her as you say it is, and her parents move in with her and her brother is down the street, my guess would be it’s unlikely she’ll return to Australia.
Originally Posted By: athas
Will it be expensive for my wife to be a single mom and take care of her non-english speak parents in her home (with health insurance payments, and other expenses?) and will this be a factor that will lead to her abandoning them and returning to me?
It certainly sounds expensive, but I can’t imagine that after giving her parents a home that she would ditch them and return to Australia for you, especially considering that she’s left you twice before.
Originally Posted By: athas
What strategies can I take moving forward?
Yours is a fairly unusual situation compared to most people here. There have been a few long-distance breakups that benefitted from DB’ing though. If you haven’t already done so, get DB and read it. Post here often and read other threads. Try to find situations similar to yours and read the feedback that those people got. Good luck!
Aside from her demands to have her parents move into our home, she also said that from now on they would join us on any holidays along with her brother’s family. Surely this is not part of the marriage contract. I wanted the sovereignty of our family. Anyway, the pressure was building until the day came when she threatened to see an Attorney to see what her legal options would be to have me removed from the family home. She crossed the line with that so I packed my bags and left. Would anyone here tolerate having their inlaws live in their home?
That definitely sounds like a touchy situation. Was the living situation with her parents moving in intended to be temporary or permanent? Regarding the vacations I probably would have tried to negotiate something with her, like maybe you have some vacations with her family and some without.
Once she got the job in Seattle, and then her brother moved down the street and the parents lived with him. It was only for a few months though. And she was adamant that they live with her. They already had a home in Peru. Maybe it was because I'm a non-hispanic and my money is better - who knows? But the wife said it would be permanent and they would be living with us forever. Screw that, I said.
It would also be because her brother's wife didn't want his parents living in her home for too long.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: athas
Will my wife ever return? Currently there is no plans by her to divorce me ever.
But you left her, right? Are you asking if she’ll ever return to Australia? Very hard to say, but if family is as important to her as you say it is, and her parents move in with her and her brother is down the street, my guess would be it’s unlikely she’ll return to Australia.
Her family was important to her such that she said that they ranked higher. I was "at fourth" in her list of priorities. She was threatened saying that if I didn't leave, that she would. In the end she said she would take legal action to have me removed. I had enough. My self-respect prompted me to leave. Hardest decision.
If I had submitted to her yoke and stayed, my balls would have been truly cut off, and any respect from her will probably be gone as I was reduced to a servant for her family. I did not want my daughter to see this as an example of a proper relationship between man and woman. I was to be head of our home and decision maker, and not servant to third worlders. My daughter will eventually grow up and learn that her mother is a dictator and there'll be another conflict between them as she discovers that her father was shafted from the home and her own family destroyed.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: athas
Will it be expensive for my wife to be a single mom and take care of her non-english speak parents in her home (with health insurance payments, and other expenses?) and will this be a factor that will lead to her abandoning them and returning to me?
It certainly sounds expensive, but I can’t imagine that after giving her parents a home that she would ditch them and return to Australia for you, especially considering that she’s left you twice before.
It is very unusual! I have thought about it a lot and realised it's because her mother abandoned her family when she was a young child. Just up and left them to pursue academic studies in another city and a career - before eventually returning. I saw that the old lady had unwittingly taught her the value of a career over her own family. The old man was reduced to nothing more than a Pullman Porter (he was truly henpecked). My wife saw this as a young girl and eventually did the same thing to me and my daughter by abandoning our family for the sake of a career and others.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Originally Posted By: athas
What strategies can I take moving forward?
Yours is a fairly unusual situation compared to most people here. There have been a few long-distance breakups that benefitted from DB’ing though. If you haven’t already done so, get DB and read it. Post here often and read other threads. Try to find situations similar to yours and read the feedback that those people got. Good luck!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm still perplexed as to why a woman would want to live with her parents instead of her own husband. The word 'infantile' comes to mind. But also from the parents that enabled her. It would certainly have been in their best interests to have me remain so I could finance their healthcare and retirement. My departure just made their goals a little more strenuous as their daughter carries all the load.
The other question is what if this drags on for years and years. Do I move on? As a single dad with a daughter on the other side of the world, do I start dating again, or is this whole situation put the kybosh on such ideas?
