He has 18 months to go in the Army and if her H gets wind of this he will inform them what is going on the implications of which for my H as the senior rank are incredibly serious, reduced rank, reduced pension or worse and I feel I need to protect him
You need to protect YOU and the children. He's almost 40! He can protect himself. That's why Cadet suggested seeing a lawyer. By my count, that's at least 3 times he's put himself and this BS before his own kids, so you know his words are worthless.
It may not be easy, but try to find a lawyer that has experience in military divorces and even better, those involving military affairs. I have a friend who went through this in the US, and you have a tremendous advantage should it head to D. She basically gave her XH 2 choices, the "easy" way and the "hard" way. He chose the easy way. She protected herself and her children.
That being said, I'm not suggesting you divorce. But I am suggesting that he needs to understand the serious consequences to what he is doing.
I am sorry that you are finding your way back to this website again.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
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I think I've gone through every emotion in the past 24 hours and now I just feel completely drained and devastated.
Very sorry you're going through this It's difficult, nothing we can say is going to sugarcoat it. You're going to grieve and be miserable for a while. Come here and vent. Find a friend that is NOT attached to your H in any way, someone you can talk to and be confident that what you say will NEVER get back to him. DO NOT confide in mutual friends because that WILL get back to him and you don't want that.
Quote:
I know I'll keep going through all the different emotions. I know I need to keep focused and be strong for myself and my kids but right now I just feel so low. I feel like I need to have a really good cry and let it all out but it just won't come.
Once it does it'll just seem like it never stops, and that's OK, it needs to happen. Just try to find a private place to do it. I would cry all the way to work (half hour commute) and then gather myself up for the day. Then cry like a baby all the way home, pull it together to walk in so my kids wouldn't see that, then close the bedroom door and cry some more. Good grief I have NEVER cried like that. It was awful, but needed to happen.
Originally Posted By: SJW
Just reading about validation and I'm confused. Am I supposed to validate his R with OW?
Absolutely NOT! An affair should never, ever be validated or approved of in any way. What he is doing is WRONG. Same for the woman, she's married too, they should both be ashamed. Two married people, all I can say is it doesn't speak highly to the character of either of them. Validation is specifically for feelings, for example if your spouse tells you that you never listened to them then you ask them if it that makes them angry and frustrated, if they say yes then you reply with "yes I can tell you're angry because you feel I never listened to you, I am sorry I made you feel that way." You're acknowledging their feelings. But not regarding an affair, no!
I just read the below that Sandi posted in another thread regarding an affair. In that case it's an H whose W is having the affair, but it applies to ANY affair. She posts some really great advice and wisdom and this is no exception:
"Take this as a warning. Do not paint a sweet picture of OM's relationship with your W. She is a M woman and he is a predator. If he was a man of honor, he would immediately sever this so-called "friendship". However, infidelity has no honor! You need to refer to the affair by the correct name. Don't try to give it a cleaner name or description. They have committed adultery. She continues to give him access, while she plays her mind games with her H. The OM is not a friend to the union of holy matrimony. Do not be the counselor for your W's indiscretation. Do not comfort her feelings for another man. It lowers the chance of admiration and attraction for her H.
Identify your enemy, and never trust it, nor compromise with it. Do not allow it to visit your camp, and spread propaganda. Never speak favorably of the enemy to your troops, for this causes confusion and division of loyalty. You must not have comradery with what would greedily devour everything you hold dear to your heart. If you give leeway and/or adapt to the appetite of your enemy.....that which you cherish will inevitibility decay and collapse. Never underestimate its power to enslave and destroy. Understand? When the enemy invades, you either advance or retreat to higher ground..........but never surrender to the enemy!"
I think I've been getting this completely wrong. I have said to him about other women that I understand how he feels about her and I'm not happy about it but it's his decision.
Very strange evening tonight. He arrived home from work with 10 minutes to spare before collecting D8 from school. I apologised for the ultimatum last night and telling him to leave this morning and explained that I was hurt, upset and disappointed. I was putting my own feelings before those of the children and I do think that. The children needed him here for as long as he was going to stay and if he wanted to stay for them then we should try to work out a way to be in the same house without any impact on the children. He said he didn't know how this could work as he isn't going to stop seeing OW. I said I knew that but I had to put my feelings to one side for their sake and practically we needed to work together for work and kids socials. He started to say about what happens when I want to take her away for the weekend and I said we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
We both picked D8 up from school then went to get S10 from a sports event. S has cricket practice on Friday evenings and I'm normally at work so H will do school pick up then cricket with both kids and I usually get home around the time that they are getting back. Being off work today meant that we could all go but I got the feeling that H wasn't quite comfortable with that and he had been pretty impatient with the kids in the short time that he had been with them, which is totally unlike him. So I suggested I go to my friends with D and he took S to cricket around the corner.
He got back to my friends and we sat chatting really nicely like nothing was any different talking about past holidays and plans for the coming weeks. The kids were playing and my friend said they could stay over so we left. It was dinner time so I asked if he wanted to go for something to eat or go to the shop and he said we could go and get something. He was also affectionate in the car put his hand on my leg and was telling me he did still love me and wanted us to be friends (I know memories chat and no OW he had a tiny moment and that's all).
Got to the pub and it was packed so we decided to go home. We pulled up on the driveway and he announces that he has promised to take OW away at the end of the month and starts getting all funny about money, where did that come from. I remained calm and when in the house told him that we would work through finances but I didn't feel it was appropriate until the house was sold to be spending money on weekends away with OW. He then started to get really agitated and started washing pots and moving things around and saying that he couldn't do anything without me knowing about it - I have always done the finances for 14 years he has never been interested and we have both joint and separate accounts. He then said he was being really selfish but it wasn't just about OW but she had made him realise that he needed to do something for himself, maybe go travelling in the future but there was more to life than this. I decided it was time to retire gracefully to let him calm down.
I showered and came downstairs and we sat together watching TV and he was stroking my foot? I went for a cigarette and he came outside to say he was going to bed, kissed me on the side of the head, if I had turned my head he would have kissed me on the lips but I didn't. He asked me not to hate him and not to beat myself up and went up to the spare room.
Bit of a long one but more to journal for me although any comments welcome.
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
* He wants to take her out for the night and away for the weekend - I have been waiting for him to do either of those things with me for a very long time so why not with me but with her. Anytime we do anything it's when I organise it but he made a comment about me having control of everything. I have asked him so many times over the years to take the control from me.
* He wants to do something for himself, go travelling in the future when the kids are older maybe with OW maybe not - so do I but we have 2 children and difficult jobs so not so easy, he says there's loads I could do - I work 80 hours a week minimum in 5 days including commute with 2 kids and a husband who until a year ago wasn't at home apart from weekends (army)
* 5 years ago I asked him to go to counselling because we were in a rut and he was going to Afghanistan for 7 months - he said we didn't need it
* 7 months in Afgan, 16 months later 6 months in Cyprus. 4 years between 2011-2015 he spent more time away that at home our kids were 2 and 5 in 2011 and I was working full time.
Tomorrow:
Having my hair done rare treat which has booked for ages. Food shop for lots of healthy nutritional stuff. I haven't eaten since Sunday but feel like I can now and want to get healthy, less alcohol and cigarettes. Speak to my personal trainer friend and see if we can either work some time in or if she can give me a very delicate programme, I haven't exercised for years. I told H in the week I was going out with a friend, I wasn't but I will get dressed up and go out even if it's just go round to a mates for a coffee, he doesn't need to know I'm not dancing the night away
Me 46 H 39 M 11 T 14 S 10 DO 8 ILYBNILWY 11.06.17 Separate rooms 11.06.17 ILW OW A ongoing 12.06.17 Kicked H out 23.6.17 H came home 20.8.17
I'm sorry. He doesn't want to do those things with you now. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but it sounds like you are making yourself his doormat. Read some of Sandi's posts on WW. You don't nice these people back. All you are doing is letting him know that you will always be there waiting in the wings for him. He can't possible believe that you might actually be moving on with your life and be concerned about that. Please, for your sake, stop the pursuing behaviors, be mysterious, and work on finding a life that is independent of him.
It's difficult, nothing we can say is going to sugarcoat it. You're going to grieve and be miserable for a while. Come here and vent. Find a friend that is NOT attached to your H in any way, someone you can talk to and be confident that what you say will NEVER get back to him. DO NOT confide in mutual friends because that WILL get back to him and you don't want that.