180man Thread 4

[Jim1234]

What do you tell someone (like the JAG) when they inevitably ask if you're still married?

You tell them the truth. You are separated and it looks like you're getting divorced. If they aren't interested in dealing with that, then you have a pleasant evening and go your separate ways.

[180Man]

You tell them the truth. You are separated and it looks like you're getting divorced. If they aren't interested in dealing with that, then you have a pleasant evening and go your separate ways.

Hmm, okay...that's simple enough. Thanks Jim.


I'm doing well so far this week working through my daily checklist of things I need/want to do. Morning meditation, gym, eating healthy, putting real effort into work, working on me in the afternoons, etc, etc. I even turned down a beer last night, it was a terrible thing to see wasted, but I can wait until later in the week. Discipline and self-control are part of my journey.


Going to set up an appointment with my attorney this week, I'm at the point where I just want to get this over with. Dragging it out isn't going to make her want to come back and it isn't going to help me mentally, physically, or otherwise. So let's just get it over with. Hopefully she is sincere with her words and doesn't want to screw me over. I am thinking more and more of keeping the house -- the dog deserves to have a yard and I will probably transfer to a new duty station in the next year anyways.

Anyone have thoughts on the potential emotional baggage that may carry over by continuing to live in the same house you bought with your ex?

[Cadet]

Anyone have thoughts on the potential emotional baggage that may carry over by continuing to live in the same house you bought with your ex?

Well if this is true what does it really matter?

I will probably transfer to a new duty station in the next year anyways.

You will need to start to make new memories.

[Btrow]

Anyone have thoughts on the potential emotional baggage that may carry over by continuing to live in the same house you bought with your ex?

That probably varies from person to person. Me and XW bought the house I'm living in now 3 1/2 years ago, spent many many months on rebuilding it and made it perfect for us (its roughly 80% her and 20 % me) . I still have most of the old furniture, pictures and stuff. It means nothing to me. It's just bricks and paint. Doesn't make think more or less about her.

[doodler]

Anyone have thoughts on the potential emotional baggage that may carry over by continuing to live in the same house you bought with your ex?

That sounds like pure hell. I think I'd rather be tortured and beaten by the Taliban. Just the thought of it makes me want to puke.

My god man, have you no soul?

[doodler]

Ok wait, I'll take it all back. I live in the house that we bought just after we married. It's been great. I've been doing all sorts of stuff to the house (i.e. improvements) and I love living in the house and my sons love it as well (it's where they grew up).

[Cadet]

So do some re-decorating and make it all YOURS.

Here is the thing - you only need the approval of one person.

And that person is YOU!

[180Man]

Going to try to keep this short, but first let me thank you for the responses above, it really motivated me. Seriously.

I really turned a corner a couple weeks ago. I am done with this. If W comes around a year from now I may consider it, but that's it. I have spent the last six-plus months of my life trying to become a better man, trying to save my marriage. I can't do it anymore. I can't live in ambiguity any longer. This is not to say that I will give up all of the things I've worked for -- hell no! I'm going to keep improving and stay connected to myself. But I am finally, I think, where you all have been trying to push to to all these months -- disconnected and disengaged. Her path is her own to follow and I wish her the best of luck. I have to go my own way now.

I told my lawyer to ask her lawyer to ask STBXW to have a POD storage unit dropped at the house. She did so. She also sent me an email expressing surprise that we were no longer talking. Really? YGTBFSM.

I have spent all weekend packing this POD up. It sùcks. But I would rather do this crap all by myself than have to see her here at the house trying to pick through her crap. Besides, this way I can give her HER stuff PLUS OUR stuff. I don't want any of our stuff. I am keeping the couch and a table and I'm even hesitating about that. I really want nothing that reminds me of the last eight years of my life with her. I am emotionally spent when it comes to my STBXW. Spent. Done. All that will be left is to come to a settlement. She says she isn't looking to screw me over, I hope she is sincere about that. Money wise it's a non-issue since we're the same rank and make the same amount of money -- but she could make it difficult for me to keep the house if she starts asking for half of what it's worth instead of half the equity. Happy to give her half the equity...but just because the stupid housing market around here shot up in the last couple years shouldn't mean she should be able to screw me. Ugh. We'll see...

I am going to work in the morning and plan to stop by and invite the JAG to coffee. I'm ready to move on and find someone who values me -- though I am not in a rush so I will take things slow. It may only be a temporary distraction, which is fine, but if it goes anywhere that'll be a new adventure I'm willing to start.

Thanks for everyone's support here. I'll keep checking in now and then for sure. Who knows, maybe I'll relapse and be back here tomorrow a sobbing mess!! Haha, God I hope not!

[LITB]

Hey 180,

Hope you are doing well. I think the shift in your demeanor is the beginning of a shift. Of course only time will tell what direction this will go.

I have found when I was away from the boards, is when the biggest changes would occur in my own sitch. Probably because I wasn't solely focused on my M/R and I was living life.

Hopefully you update us from time to time. I'm interested to follow your sitch to see how things shake out. I also can respect your space, so no pressure.

Take care

[180Man]

LITB,

Thanks for checking in on me -- it's no pressure at all, really, I am thankful that somebody is actually interested and cares. I know I haven't been the easiest "patient," per se, but I do appreciate all of the help everyone has given me during my time here.

I find myself not checking the boards every day or every hour like I was. The last time I was here was my last post. This is not good or bad, but I think I am finding that your statement above about time away from the boards is true.

I did have coffee last Monday with the JAG -- she even bought which was nice and completely unexpected (I was planning to buy but it was just the way it worked out). We sat and talked for probably half an hour or so. I almost spilled my coffee on her. I felt like I was a teenager again bumbling my way through a date. And it wasn't even a date. As I rushed off to get some napkins I realized...I haven't fùcked anything up...this is life, this is how this was meant to go...and maybe my clumsiness was somehow endearing to her? Yeah, okay, that last part is a stretch, haha!

I do miss my W, but I find I am not focused on it at all. Not like I was, not by a long shot. I have spent the past week putting her things into a large POD unit I asked her to have dropped at the house. When I tried to start packing her stuff into boxes four or five months ago, it was too hard. I was a mess. Now it's much easier. I pickup a love letter she wrote and I put it in a box and think "She can deal with this and decide what she wants to do with it, I don't need it any more." Maybe a little passive aggressive, but she has not really had to deal with the divorce. Being absorbed in work, getting ready for a deployment, possibly continuing an affair...she hasn't had time to really work through this like I have. Maybe she never will, I don't know. But if I have to go through every box, cabinet, and folder in the house and filter out anything with her or our names on it, I don't feel bad about forcing her to see the same stuff at some point when she has to unpack all this crap. I will never not love her. I want her to be happy and I see now that I can't give her that happiness. Not right now at least. She needs to find her own happiness within first before she can be happy with anyone else. Which is why I believe she can't wait to get started with this deployment and leave all of her problems behind. She wants to suffer in peace, she said as much in December. I think that only once she has had sufficient alone time will she really start to find her own happiness. I hope she finds it. If she comes around a year from now or something, I'm definitely going to give it careful thought, but I'm also not going to wait for her at this point. I can't, she has sent every signal possible to tell me not to.

So...the house has been purged. I only kept a couple of things, the couch, a table, some dishes. I don't need much and I don't want anything that will remind me of us. I am starting to work on making the house my own space. Putting up artwork I like, painting, etc. I planted some tomatoes and herbs yesterday. I would like to have coffee with the JAG again next week. Maybe take her to lunch or something. I don't know her very well yet and I'm sure she has her own problems just like the rest of us, but I enjoy having a nice conversation with an adult female who has her shít together. I also feel a little less...hmm...I'm not sure how to describe it...less eclipsed by her personality than I did with my wife...or perhaps less emasculated than when I was around my wife. I'm an ENFP (about 50/50 extrovert/introvert) and my wife is definitely an extrovert. She had trouble turning it off sometimes. The whole military thing was hard for her to switch out of when the day was over. Once in a while I would have to ask her not to talk to me like one of her enlisted kids...that conversation never ended well, but the point is....I feel like I'm more on a level playing field with JAG. In fact, I suspect she is a bit of an introvert and I have to catch myself from stepping on her in conversation. I hope she will have coffee with me again -- I want to work on listening. Really listening. I want to show her AND myself that I can actually listen and stay engaged with what she's saying. It's good for me, regardless of what happens.

LITB, I hope you're doing well. Thanks again for checking on me. I don't know if I'm doing the right things or not, but I am feeling a lot better than I was six months ago. I hope this trend continues!