Looking for guidance

[trainer]

So, my wife comes homes this afternoon while I'm napping after a long week. I literally wake up and stand as she enters the living room, shocking me.

She immediately breaks down and goes into a tirade about how she can't deal with this anymore. She can't go on with all the things her family is saying about her, blaming her for, when she did everything she could to love me and received nothing in return from me.

I have no response as my brain was having trouble processing this all. Summary from previous posts-she had wanted to meet this weekend to talk, and we hadn't yet scheduled a time for Sat/Sun, not today, so I really wasn't expecting this.

She talks about how hard it is, how she doesn't feel loved, and how hard it is to find out about what was going on in my life from other. She also made a couple vague references to not being able to continue or go on with any longer. Not quite suicidal threats, but definitely references similar to that she has made in the past.

I had to leave for a previously scheduled meeting, but when I heard this, I had to double-take. I don't remember exactly what I asked to clarify this, but I felt I could leave her without her being an actual danger to herself. She said she would be ok, and talked about going to the gym tomorrow at the same time as me.

I'm still trying to process this all. This is what I think:
She is trying to use the threat of suicide to make me feel bad/guilty and force me take action to end things because she feels powerless/helpless? Possibly also to cover some of her efforts to reach out (show up at the house, spend time at the gym tomorrow)? She is trying to assert control of the situation?

She asked a few times what I was feeling because she said I seemed emotionless. I responded, asking her what she needed from me and got no response. Then, I basically had to leave to get this meeting I was already running late for.

I realize she is in an unhealthy, unbalanced state. If this comes up again tomorrow or the next day, I think I need to calmly affirm her statements, even her pain, and reassert her control over her own actions. Being resolute in my affirmation of her control while detaching and GAL gives her the strength to act.

Again, looking for guidance.

[Jim1234]

I don't know what to tell you. If you want to tell people, and want their emotional support, tell them. If not, don't. I don't think you should tell them just because it make HER awkward and uncomfortable.

[trainer]

So my wife and I met tonight. She had been asking to meet for a few days now. I offered up a few times over the last few days, but she turned them down because she was sick and/or they were too late. Here's a summary-a lot of specifics may be lost, but I'll try to capture the general drift along with the major movements:

Tonight she came over after we both worked out. I made a point to shower, wear cologne, do the little things. This has all been a part of the GAL program.

We talked for 1-2 hours. In many ways similar to our previous conversations, but I felt like I did a much better job putting the ball back in her court. She asked how I felt about certain things, why I did this and didn't do that: I tried to affirm her and my responses were on the lines of "You should do what will make you happy." "I can't control how you feel," etc. She says: "I feel guilt" "I don't want to let my parents/your parents down" Me: "That's not a good reason to stay in this relationship-I want someone to want to be with me"

At one point, I made us take a break to eat. This might seem like a minor thing-but I felt it was actually really important. I pulled out some tasty leftovers and whipped them up quickly. She didn't eat right away, but I made some general small talk about things that I thought would interest her. Eventually she ate. Then I did dishes. Again, nothing major except that it wasn't dramatic. It was all seemingly normal, on the surface. She asked me if I wanted her to live every night like that, unhappy. Again, see my response above.

After a while, our conversation picked back up, and she pleaded to me to let her go, asking why I wouldn't let her go. I responded, if you want to leave because it will make you unhappy then you should. She mentioned some doubts, not really knowing what would make her happy and not wanting too make the biggest mistake of her life.

We moved into the living room, and she read a very long letter she had written. It was very emotional and laid bare a lot of feelings she had pent up and painful sexual and emotional experiences that replay in her mind. It was heartbreaking to see how much pain I have caused this woman I love.

I truly do want her to be happy. Right now, she is not. She not stable mentally either, and she admits as much.

We discussed both of our future plans for the next few months-she is leaving for a 6 week rotation, parents are possibly visiting for her graduation but she doesn't like the pain (guilt) of them seeing me. She accepted a job for the next year in the same place we are now-something she didn't want to tell me in case I decided to move away. And a few details of the a possible divorce-the reasons she would list, her desire for household possessions (none), her wanting to keep the dogs. All in all, she stayed for almost 5 hours, and talked more wistfully about me/us in a calm way than the last 12 months combined maybe.

Again, the specifics of divorce talk was not a positive development, but it's not necessarily anything new on the negative side and there are possibly some minor/major positive emotional movements that happened tonight.

She was very open with her feelings, concerns, worries, fears, pains. I did my best to listen co passionately, affirm and respond honestly and with integrity and strength.

At the end of the day, this is all I can do in the situation I am given, or rather I have put myself into. I made some major mistakes and I own that. Now I must be the best self I can be, work towards the things I value and stay the course. To all the men and women reading this, I think that's all we can ever do. Fight the good fight.

So, on a more practical note: I think I keep GAL, detaching, etc. until I see more serious commitment to the marriage. Am I right? Any advice on how to build on this while still moving in a seemingly opposite direction? Detachment creates pursuit, or something like that?