I think I'll be ok..?

[Nee]

Hi Coly23,

Thank you for stopping by! I do have a full on replay on my hands. My H is not well. I don't think he has been for a while before BD. He recently said that he had played a part in our hell of a marriage for 2 years before he left. My guess is that he was in the denial and the anger stage for longer than I had suspected. I knew he was having problems but as you know, they don't speak of them.

I don't think I really care much about the OW that much anymore. She's probably a nice enough girl but who knows..? This is all on him. She's 28 years old and that's going to be a tough one for him when he settles down in his skin. She's very active and he's NOT when he's himself. It doesn't matter if they work out, or not. He'll find another if they don't because he's obsessed with sex right now. He wears a penis ring ALL the time. I read that it can cause nerve damage if you leave it on for more than 30 minutes so he may be in trouble soon. My therapist said that she thinks he wants to have an erection all the time because he freaked out when he couldn't have one. Sounds about right. Oh well...I can't be worried about that, either.

I am finally getting stronger. I've been a weakling for far too long. He said he's filing for a divorce this coming week. Honestly, I hope he does. I will be sad, but I believe it will be a relief. Who knows at this point. All I'm doing is concentrating on getting all packed up and out of here. I don't know if I could ever reconcile with him after all this damage he's caused. I know he's not doing well and I'm suppose to be sympathetic to his plight but I ain't feeling real sympathetic these days. It's ALL about me!!!!

I hope you're doing well with your sitch, Coly23. This isn't an easy road by any stretch of the imagination. Stay strong and feel free do discuss your sitch with me if you'd like to. Take care! :0)

[OwnIt]

Nee, I don't think there is anything that asks you to be sympathetic to his plight, particularly in view of some of the crass things he has done to you. You are truly what matters. What you think of yourself far surpasses anything he could ever think of you. I know you will do great. I see your intelligence and your grit in your posts. Those qualities will serve you well.

[Nee]

Dear Sweet Own it,

You always seem to say what I need to hear. You complemting my intelligence is kind of you to say. I rarely feel intelligent. You get called ignorant enough, you tend to believe it. I used to study the dictionary for hours to reach his level of intelligence, as he is basically a genius. His IQ is around 144 so he really is literally a genius. I also know that's prat of his problem, too. He has confided in me several times since BD when he's in severe depressed mode and he hates himself for not meeting his potential. He is a "lowly" truck driver. (His words, not mine). I've always told him that he could do anything he wanted to in life but his desires were lacking in that area. I say desires because I believe there's a difference between desires and wants. Ya know, a desire is more appealing than a want. I realize that's part of the MLC process but it sure isn't easy making someone see their worth. He is obviously projecting his self hatred on me. So be it.

Tonight I'm playing those movies in my head again. I usually do this time of night. This is usually my time to weaken. Not now though. I've kept him blocked and will continue to do so. I have to move forward without any interruptions right now. Still, I should could go without those stupid movies.

It's nearly 4am and I need to rest so I can try to go to church in the morning. I need God right now. I feel like I have lost my faith and I can't stand that feeling. It's funny how I pray so desperately when I need to but fall short in his grace. I have some family members who have tried to sway me from religion all together. It almost worked. I guess that's part of the test we learn about as Christians.

Ok. I will rest now and I will go to church in at 11am. I will.

Xx, Nee

[OwnIt]

Hello Nee, I'm hoping you found some peace yesterday. Don't know if you knew this, but very intelligent people often have a hard time fitting into the social models required for success in the work place and often work in menial jobs. He is not alone. My H is a mensa member, not certain of his IQ but his EQ is very low.

Someone reminded me recently that we are the director of those movies. We decide whether they play or not. We decide which movie plays. If you don't like the movie that is cued up, put a different one on (or watch youtube videos of kittens, puppies, sloths, etc.).

I think you are capable of doing a lot more than you think you are. As humans we tend to rise or fall to other's expections of us. I remember hearing about an experiment where a brand new teacher was given the lowest performing kids, but was told they were the highest. Guess what happened to those kids. They outperformed expectation. You are smart and capable and kind. You can rise about the swamp of his hate and antipathy. I believe in you.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Nee]Ok, I think I understand what you're saying, Bttrfly. My marriage to H is dead and gone. I shouldn't expect the connection we once had. He's actually said that in frustration.."It's never going to be like it use to be.'" He said that in the middle of a R talk and he was upset that it was a realistic statement that he was making. I didn't believe it at the time. I thought if he would just come out of the tunnel at some point, he would want to reconnect and become one with me again. I HAVE seen that happen on here. I suppose it could have been because the LBS did detach thoroughly

as far as I know, ^^ it has ONLY happened when the LBSer detached and imo, you can only Detach when you GAL.

the key here is that the LBSer moved forward without attaching themselves to the results.

You are still going from one end to the other, emotionally and in terms of your plans, and it's almost all reactive. Tactical, not actual change within. You've identified a lot of things you want to work on in yourself. I think that's great b/c without a personal growth plan, there's no ability to change and without change, there's not likely to be a reconciliation of any sorts. So how is that personal work going?


Are you being treated for the anxiety and bi-polar you mentioned?

What did you find most helpful in the DB books? Can you hone in on that?

Also, imo, the terms "MLC" or "WAH" are not things to waste time on b/c your course of action is the same. I wasted a year of my life wondering about my h and it's a year I'll never get back, and it held me back later on...

Seriously, your course of action is the same regardless of what you think your h is doing or thinking or feeling.

Nee, I think you've admitted that you two have a toxic dynamic.

So unless he believes it can change, (which it will, if you change b/c you are all you control) then there's not a lot to work with.

You can change this. ^^ Only you can change this.

[25yearsmlc]

Hello Nee, I'm hoping you found some peace yesterday. Don't know if you knew this, but very intelligent people often have a hard time fitting into the social models required for success in the work place and often work in menial jobs. He is not alone. My H is a mensa member, not certain of his IQ but his EQ is very low.

Someone reminded me recently that we are the director of those movies. We decide whether they play or not. We decide which movie plays. If you don't like the movie that is cued up, put a different one on (or watch youtube videos of kittens, puppies, sloths, etc.).

And we can always yell "CUT!" God knows the mental movies are not fun. Hence my blocking FB and any info about an OW - plus, I filed for D before I knew of OW.

Nee, the reality is that I knew my h did not have my back when I truly needed him and my financial security was at risk too, so I filed.

Finding about OW was a huge gut punch and drag, obviously. But I admit that the marriage was fractured before she came along. Again, I filed for D before I knew of OW

I think that is what your h meant when he asked you if you really believed OW was the reason for you guys splitting. You have been bravely honest about the other issues you two have, so she's just a bandaid I'd spend NO time on if possible.

Anyhow, I don't let myself put a whole lot of energy there. Besides, when I step back from the emotions of it all -

I can honestly say that anyone who enters a R with someone else right after (or during) a long m, is behaving reactively and it's not healthy.

Going public about it is simply in poor taste, and shows a remarkable lack of self awareness AND OR how it looks to others.

Our kids were embarrassed and hurt (for me, partly) and of course I was deeply hurt and at first, humiliated. But enough people told me the truth, which is that his posts are about HIM, and what he's trying to prove and deal with. Who does that when they are simply, truly content? In my head I know they are right.

My heart is catching up pretty fast.

Knowing this^^^ does help to reduce the impact.

I think you are capable of doing a lot more than you think you are. As humans we tend to rise or fall to other's expections of us. I remember hearing about an experiment where a brand new teacher was given the lowest performing kids, but was told they were the highest. Guess what happened to those kids. They outperformed expectation. You are smart and capable and kind. You can rise about the swamp of his hate and antipathy. I believe in you.

I think you've been in a m wherein your self confidence has eroded a lot, and I"m not sure what your childhood was like either or how you have treated yourself.

Looking to others for our affirmation and self esteem is a sure road to disaster, in the long run.

When you mentioned that the "two become one" and that you only wanted to be around your h and whenever he was home, you sort of revolved around him, is a lot of pressure to put on one man, let alone a damaged one.

He's got a fragile ego and was in no position to boost yours.

We all have to stop negative tapes in our heads AND THEN take a 2nd step.

We have to replace those negative tapes with positive ones and we have to make those ourselves.

It's Not about getting another man (or booze or drugs or tons of sex) to put positive tapes in our heads. Just us.
...I blended my dreams into h's so much that they were somehow, "our dreams" and his never really took in mine. The exciting & terrifying part now is to decide what my dreams are, and to make them mine.

Imagine that our lives are novels. How do you want your next chapter to go?

We have to be the authors of our own lives.

[Nee]

HI Ownit and 25,

Ownit, I'm doing better with those awful movies in my head. I'm pretty much blocking them out all together. I know it won't matter if I'm the only one in this marriage who is viewing them. I'm just moving forward as if I'm writing my own playwright that may turn into a film later.

I'm feverishly looking for a place to live right now. Somewhere cheap. I figure I don't have to live there forever so the looks of it doesn't have to be the way I had envisioned it. I'm also starting those nicotine patches to hopefully stop smoking. I quit for a year before he lett and I'm ready to be proud of myself again. Smoking is no bueno.

I'm looking to make money anywhere I can. Cleaning houses is going to be my go to for now. My mind isn't ready to be in a workplace setting yet. That'll come in time when I've found myself again and when I'm ready to see that cleaning houses isn't really what I'm limited to. Thank you for believing in me, Own it. It means a lot. I believe in you, too!!!!

25, I'm doing much better on detaching from my H. I did mess up yesterday by texting him to ask if he was going to get our dog so he could run and play at his moms farm. He did that every weekend before he left so our dogs would be able to explore more than our little area we live in. Our dog needs that as it is a Jack Russell and needs LOTS of exercise. Still, I know I shouldn't have reached out to him. I just should have taken our dog to a park or something to let him run free. Oh well, I guess I'll start over today with NC.

I did actually get an apology from my H yesterday, albeit it was prompted and followed with a but you did... The apology was for something he said recently in a heated text exchange about the OW. I won't go into what it was he said but it was very hurtful and painful. I told him last night that I couldn't see how he didn't understand that his lack of empathy on that sitch was disturbing. His reply "I'm not lacking empathy." Lol..of course that's what he was going to say! Anyway, I said "do you realize that I am still your wife? Like it or not, I will be respected as such. What's really disturbing is the fact that you don't realize your lack of empathy." He threw it back to me, of course. I admitted that I was provacative prior to his cruel statement but his reply was uncalled for. He FINALLY said "I'm sorry I said that but you will never admit that what you did was wrong and say your sorry." I said, "I'm sorry what i said was inappropriate." The truth is, I don't usually see that I'm provacative until after the fact. I guess i feel justified in my actions because I'm so hurt. He even said that.." I know you're hurt so I understand that's where your anger comes from." Well good for him in realizing that he hurt me all this time without saying I'm sorry. That's the lack of empathy that I was really talking about when I mentioned it in the first place. It wasn't really to get him to apologize for what he said in that text. It's nice that he did but I know it wasn't heartfelt.

25, My childhood doesn't help with this sitch at all. I was molested by a few family members and abandoned by my mother at age 9. My father had to get custody of me and my sister and he wasn't any better than my mom. There was a LOT of belittling on his part and very little love shown by him. My step-mom resented me and my sister because we were a product of my dad's first marriage. She hated my real mother. My mother is the devil himself. She was mentally and physically abusive to me and my sister. The mental and emotional abuse was the worst. I hate her for what she did to me and continues to do to me. I hate a lot of things lately. I never show anyone my dispare but it's there. I've always been bubbly and smiling around others. I've relied on that part of my personality throughout my life.
I like that about me and I think other's appreciate it too.

Anyway, I read recently that women who are sexually molested by men do not do well when rejected by men. Boy is that the case with me. I didn't realize it until I read about it. I did know that I didn't take rejection well but I didn't know why. I just figured that no one took it well. I see now that other women aren't nearly as affected as I am when rejected by men.

I don't like having the added pressure on me right now of feeling rejected and abandoned. It's overwhelming. There's one good thing that is coming about from that, and that is because it's been so overwhelming, I'm able to start detaching more. It still hurts sometimes when I think about how my H knows about my horrible childhood but is willing to add his cruelty on top of it. He's always been able to make me laugh about my childhood instead of dwelling on it. He was good that way. He could even make me find a smile when dealing with being molested by saying "Did they at least give you any candy beforehand?" I like his sick sense of humor. My past affords it.

I miss my H so much sometimes. The old H that could make me laugh. Still, I obviously depended on him too much for my peace of mind and security. This realization has made me start to see that I HAVE to detach.


I know that I'm not at peace and desperately want to be at peace. My emotions run high due to me being bipolar and my panic attacks. I know I need to be in therapy and need my meds to be reevaluated. I'm making the appointment today and will show up this time. I owe it to myself and the people who do care about my state of mind and future.

Thank you for your input, 25. I'm starting to write my own book in my head that allows me to be independent. I sure hope it works!!!

[25yearsmlc]

HI Ownit and 25,
-
I'm feverishly looking for a place to live right now. Somewhere cheap. I figure I don't have to live there forever so the looks of it doesn't have to be the way I had envisioned it. I'm also starting those nicotine patches to hopefully stop smoking. I quit for a year before he lett and I'm ready to be proud of myself again. Smoking is no bueno.

GOOD GOOD STUFF^^^. Yeah, I chose to rent a condo, which I haven't lived in for 30 years, but it's like you said, not forever. Plus, I needed to be near the subway in case I can't drive again (seizures) so that's what I'm doing. Kind of love being on my own for the first time in my life.

LOVE that you are quitting smoking!! Adding years to your life and Yeah, you 'll have more money for sure!

You said you are "ready to be proud of myself again"...ouch. So my first reaction was "geez, Nee has to get more self esteem obviously, and her h is NOT ever going to do that for her"

but in a way, I relate.

My he sure did keep a lot of secrets and resentments. And was critical in subtle and not so subtle ways. My ego and self esteem have taken big hits for awhile, so I get it. It's one reason I have not yet dated.

I remind myself that my h would not change (not for me or our children). He didn't change even when he admitted he needed to. And I didn't set or keep boundaries with him when he backslid. (That's on me).

So this divorce really will be a good thing for me IN TIME...

It's for sure NOT easy. Big changes for us. Your dynamic sounds as if it was mostly unstable and had lots of drama. Now you say you want inner peace and I get that.

IF you worry that your h is "now" going to change for HER, I'd say 2 things'

1) that's not likely to be true. Period. IF he seems that way, then it won't last, b/c he's not healthy or honest. I mean, he's just not.
Why would that change? Is he in therapy now? Changing his meds? On any? Going to meetings or what? See what I mean?


2) IF IF IF a miracle happens, and suddenly he's everything he never has been before, that is not the same as what he'd do with the dynamic you two had. So you'd still be best off working on yourself in your new life.

Don't even ponder "what if?" Right now. When I think of my h as gone forever, at first it hurts b/c of course it's sad as heck. I've been with him since I was 19, and married at 21.

But it also, eventually, morphs into feeling liberated like "oh, I don't have to think about what HE will think of this choice I want to make..."


I'd block his fb and anything else you can. No point in retaining contact. Get your dogs a better place or take them with you.

And don't forget, HIS "happy happy land" is not relevant to your peace of mind. (it's also not true or real, but that's not the point). If he gets a promotion at work, you don't get fired from yours. There's no contest.

You get to live with peace now. Make sense?



I'm looking to make money anywhere I can. Cleaning houses is going to be my go to for now. My mind isn't ready to be in a workplace setting yet. That'll come in time when I've found myself again and when I'm ready to see that cleaning houses isn't really what I'm limited to. Thank you for believing in me, Own it. It means a lot. I believe in you, too!!!!

hey, do what you need to do! If you want to take a class or get a hobby, just know that most of the GAL I did, were free or cheap. So GAL does not have to cost a fortune. And it is so so helpful to our Pos Mental Attitude.

25, I'm doing much better on detaching from my H. -- Still, I know I shouldn't have reached out to him. I just should have taken our dog to a park or something to let him run free. Oh well, I guess I'll start over today with NC.

Well, start over on this by getting a place for the dogs to run (I have a big dog who needs running places too).

The fewer reasons you have for contact, the easier this gets. Trust me.

I did actually get an apology from my H yesterday, albeit it was prompted and followed with a but you did...

Um, I no longer count those ^^ as "apologies". They are excuses for starting fights and engaging. It's a feigned apology for a shot across the bow.

The apology was for something he said recently in a heated text exchange about the OW. I won't go into what it was he said but it was very hurtful and painful.


Wow, he plays dirty. Goes for the jugular. Remind yourself of ^^this, when you "miss" him.


I told him last night that I couldn't see how he didn't understand that his lack of empathy on that sitch was disturbing. His reply "I'm not lacking empathy."

I could have written this^^ years ago. I still think it sometime. Like I can suddenly teach h something he clearly does not know. "Hey h, stop having secrets. And see other viewpoints or the connection between your behavior and the pain you cause others"...

Now I ask myself, why not tell a blind man to see? At this stage of their lives or whatever this is, (permanent change or their real self is revealed) they are not capable of empathy.

My h told our youngest a lot of destructive things. Pointless but probably not "evil" so much as thoughtless.

Maybe I'll date or remarry someone who can help me model a healthier m...or just be happier without him so she can see that leaving an unhealthy r, is a healthy step.

Sounds obvious unless you are in it. It can happen insidiously and slowly, so you are like a frog in the pot and not notice you are getting cooked.

Now you know.


Lol..of course that's what he was going to say! Anyway, I said "do you realize that I am still your wife? Like it or not, I will be respected as such. What's really disturbing is the fact that you don't realize your lack of empathy." He threw it back to me, of course. I admitted that I was provacative prior to his cruel statement but his reply was uncalled for. He FINALLY said "I'm sorry I said that but you will never admit that what you did was wrong and say your sorry." I said, "I'm sorry what i said was inappropriate." The truth is, I don't usually see that I'm provacative until after the fact. I guess i feel justified in my actions because I'm so hurt. He even said that.." I know you're hurt so I understand that's where your anger comes from." Well good for him in realizing that he hurt me all this time without saying I'm sorry.

this^^ is getting both of you nowhere. Lots of score keeping and It's same old, same old. Neither of you really takes in what the other says in a way that you can use it for change, and both have ammo in the rifle waiting to fire.

When you get some peace in your life, I think you will see this more clearly.
-

25, My childhood doesn't help with this sitch at all. I was molested by a few family members and abandoned by my mother at age 9. My father had to get custody of me and my sister and he wasn't any better than my mom. There was a LOT of belittling on his part and very little love shown by him. My step-mom resented me and my sister because we were a product of my dad's first marriage. She hated my real mother.
My mother is the devil himself. She was mentally and physically abusive to me and my sister. The mental and emotional abuse was the worst. I hate her for what she did to me and continues to do to me. I hate a lot of things lately. I never show anyone my dispare but it's there.

Nee, of course you have a lot to process to live a life without triggers and baggage. I hope you can attend a workshop or retreat or get good therapy for this^^^.

It's no wonder you need more tools for conflict resolution. And abandonment issues, and self esteem troubles. Seriously, I sure would.

I've always been bubbly and smiling around others. I've relied on that part of my personality throughout my life.
I like that about me and I think other's appreciate it too.

For sure, People like people who are kind, interested in others and who like themselves. Authentic people. You'll do well.

Anyway, I read recently that women who are sexually molested by men do not do well when rejected by men. Boy is that the case with me. I didn't realize it until I read about it. I did know that I didn't take rejection well but I didn't know why. I just figured that no one took it well. I see now that other women aren't nearly as affected as I am when rejected by men.

I don't like having the added pressure on me right now of feeling rejected and abandoned. It's overwhelming. There's one good thing that is coming about from that, and that is because it's been so overwhelming, I'm able to start detaching more.


I understand this^^. Knowing that h posted on fb about his "new honey meeting his family" - while we are still married after a 35 year marriage, could have killed my heart.

But somehow, it forced me to accept my son's words of advice, "good riddance to lunacy" b/c truly, who would post that? So fast??

We have children and friends and family who all saw that. From what I can tell, and heard, no one who knows us both, said a word of support to him. His new fans, who knows?

Who knows what he tells his new friends? I have no control over that. I cannot waste an ounce of energy on that. Like you said, it would be overwhelming. Forced detachment is better than none.

Plus when I really do step back and imagine someone else posting like that, after a long marriage, it would strike me as way too fast. Plus at the age of 60, honestly I might think they were a little pathetic. At least weird. That helps to detach too.

Your h is already with an OW and talking about her, to you. I mean, wtf? Not normal and not healthy on his end. Also very typical of this pattern.


It still hurts sometimes when I think about how my H knows about my horrible childhood but is willing to add his cruelty on top of it. He's always been able to make me laugh about my childhood instead of dwelling on it. He was good that way. He could even make me find a smile when dealing with being molested by saying "Did they at least give you any candy beforehand?" I like his sick sense of humor. My past affords it.

Humor is a coping mechanism for pain and it's not a bad one! Others have it too, and sometimes you might find someone that will have humor AND OR some affirming traits for you.

When you love yourself enough, it'll come. And I'm with you on that. I get asked out and somehow don't feel ready (i'm not ready for a "real" relationship but having coffee or a movie would be nice soon).

I wonder at times if the reason I'm not more ready is my lowered self esteem

OR is it me being healthy enough to know I'm not ready? I just don't want to date to prove something. Seems reactive.



I miss my H so much sometimes. The old H that could make me laugh. Still, I obviously depended on him too much for my peace of mind and security. This realization has made me start to see that I HAVE to detach.

Yes^^^


I know that I'm not at peace and desperately want to be at peace. My emotions run high due to me being bipolar and my panic attacks.

some or a lot of this^^^ will be helped by your own mental work. I believe where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it.

I'm working on it myself. But the desire for inner peace is great inside me. I'm very much wanting that.

I found a free app for my phone called "insight timer" and it's a set of soothing meditations that help me sleep. I've been pleasantly surprised that it helped so much.

Some of them are positive affirmations. (Not all are for sleep). They really do help calm me and give me peace. Give it a try.




I know I need to be in therapy and need my meds to be reevaluated. I'm making the appointment today and will show up this time. I owe it to myself and the people who do care about my state of mind and future.

yes you do. This isn't a dress rehearsal, it's our only life. Let's use our time well!

Thank you for your input, 25. I'm starting to write my own book in my head that allows me to be independent. I sure hope it works!!!

YOU create an independent life and it will work. None of this "allows" you stuff.

You are in charge of your life. Ready to take charge? I think so!

[Nee]

Hi 25,

I want to start by apologizing for my awful behavior this past week. There's no excuse for it so I won't offer any up. I hope you will be able to see passed my ill manners and continue to give me your insight. I completely understand if you don't feel you're able to do that right now.

So, I appreciate you giving me your advice and encouragement. I obviously need to gather myself and take inventory of my own actions instead of focusing on what my H is doing. I honestly thought I was getting better at being a better person but I was clearly wrong.

I don't like the person I'm starting to become. I liked some parts of the person I was before my H left. Other parts, not so much. I wish I could take back so many things but I know that's impossible. I'm going to look into some of those workshops you mentioned to try and sort some of this stuff out that's gotten me here.

I saw this thing called "Meet ups" where people of all ages meet for various common interest or for bitter ol' bags like me who have been abandoned by their spouse. I do well in group settings, so I figure I should give this a try. We'll see how it goes.

This past week has been a wake up call for me. I'm only sorry that it was at someone else's expense. I can't take back the way I acted but I can sure as heck try to do better in the future. I hate myself when I let something bother me to where I react foolishly. It may not even be something necessarily about me for me to get offended sometimes. I think I've been bullied so much in my life by people I thought were my loved ones and I can't see passed it. This has to stop.

I want to be a better person, 25. I want others to see me as a compassionate and loving person. I know I have to be that person in order for others to see me this way. I'm going to do some serious soul searching for a while to become the person that I want to be.

I'm going to go now and try to enjoy a bday dinner with my best friend. I'm very lucky to have her in my life. She and I don't ever let the other one get away with anything and that's a good friend to have. Honesty rules.

Again, I'm so sorry for my poor behavior toward you and everyone else. I hope you all will forgive me.

Thank you, Nee

[OwnIt]

Nee, first happy birthday and I hope you have a lovely time at dinner. I think it is wonderful that you have made these apologies, but I'm not sure it was warranted, but then again I won't second guess your feelings, thoughts and what you think needs to be done about them.

I am so happy that you are going to focus on you and what you need to do for you. I think that is going to make a big change in how you feel about everything.

Again, have a wonderful birthday and know that your friends here are wishing you well!!