Dealing with Affair

[Dawgs]

They are liars and they don't care about you. If they cared at all, they wouldn't prey on another mans W!

To a certain extent. But they didn't force another man's wife to open her legs, either.

[Cristy]

Hello Newguy2,

In a previous post you asked about which of Michele's books should you get. I'm glad that you have DR and would also recommend Healing from Infidelity. It will give you and your wife the inspiration, encouragement and solutions you both need.

If you can get some DB coaching, I would highly HIGHLY recommend it. Especially since your MC appointment is delayed. I found their advice to be very specifically aimed at my situation, with strategies. It certainly extended my m, and it has helped ME as a person, tremendously. Plus it helps to just come here and get constructive feedback.

Thank you 25yearsmlc for the vote of confidence regarding the DB coaching. I'm so glad you shared your experience!

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy

Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[sandi2]

I felt a huge weight lifted from that conversation. At this point, I feel that the OMW and OM door is closed. I know that 'they lie' and the door might get reopened by my wife or the OM... but I feel better that I made a respectful attempt to shut it.

If only feelings attached to the affair could be dealt with that easily. Don't be too surprised when you experience various stages of emotions (especially anger) as you work at moving forward from here.

I told my wife about the conversation (maybe this was a mistake) and that I am ready to take steps toward repairing our marriage. She expressed feeling mixed feelings. One the one hand she is happy for me and us... but she is also grieving the loss of a 'friend'. A part of me is angry about this, but I didn't show it.

If you expect her to feel the same emotions and/or be on the same level of healing as you..........then you are in for a most upsetting time. She cannot just shut down her feelings, b/c she has agreed to not contact OM again. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying you have to emphasize or pet her while she's nursing feelings for another man. She can't nurse those feelings. She has to learn what to do to get back to a healthy mindset so she can work on her M. You talked to OM and felt good afterwards. But those were your feelings, not hers. She can't put her feelings in a box with a pretty bow on top. It's not that simple for either of you.

So, you are ready to work on the M. Considering how you previously tried to be the ideal H, have you thought about the changes you will make?

How does she select her reading material?

[Newguy2]

Thanks for the response Sandi2.

Yes, I know the feelings are going to resurface (they already are). I guess I think that the impulse to act toward the OM and OMW is a door closed. Because I made a choice on how I would act and followed it through.

I can understand that my wife and I are still in for the emotional rollercoaster. Who knows how we will handle our next conflict. We are on the waitlist for MC. I started reading the Divorce Remedy. My wife finished 'After the Affair' (which I already read) and we are planning to listen to the audiobook on an upcoming trip so we can discuss it.

I can understand that she's going through her own emotional process and she can't just shut off her emotions. I don't exactly know what I'm going to do to change. We've both decided to cut back on work and other 'extras' that add stress to our life (and our relationship/family). I'm going to prioritize time with her more often. I'm going to try to be there for her and support her through difficulties. I think we are just guessing what each other needs as we need time to talk about it. I think it's important to take small steps in the direction of working on our marriage so that the changes stick. IF I make too many changes too quickly I think I might slip back into old habits.

[sandi2]

How are things going, Newguy?

[Newguy2]

Thanks for checking in Sandi2.

I've been continuing to read the Divorce Remedy - finished most of it. I had to take a break from reading and thinking about the affair. I'm continuing with individual counseling and we have a date for Marriage Counseling in two weeks.

Things were going very well for us. I felt we were getting to a good place. We had a trip out of town, just the two of us. We stayed overnight at a hotel and went shopping together - it was great. Then the drive home came and I started to think about the affair. So I discussed with my wife the things that upset me and it turned into a big argument. She kept asking me not to talk about it because she didn't want it to ruin our trip - but I persisted. What really triggered my anger was that she is now telling me that the affair had gone on for 3-3.5 years and not 2 years as I understood it. Why is this so important to me? Because it makes me think she is lying. She originally told me the affair wasn't happening during a certain event in our life, then she tells me it was happening before then. So I told her that I hate all the lies and I brought up the 'how they contacted each other' as an example. She originally told me they only contact by text message. Then I found out he called her at work. So in the car she laid it out, text message, phone calls, snapchat. Now I assumed they used snapchat with each other... but this was the first I had heard about it. So of course my mind went to all the 'pictures' they sent each other and how she used to send me pictures. And all I could think is that she sent him the same/or more. Again - this is another example of things I thought were personal/private between us that is no longer 'special' just between us.

The car ride got very silent after she said she doesn't want to be in a relationship in which she keeps getting "beat up" by the things she had done. I believe she is having a hard time with her own guilt/shame. I calmed down and diffused the situation - I explained that we need to talk about these things. Once things cooled down even more I apologized to her for pushing the subject and ruining a good trip (even though I told her I wasn't going to apologize during our argument). I told her I love her and this situation hurts very bad. My wife and I have moved on from that conflict... I explained to her that we sometimes need to have 'blow ups' in order to process the situation - I think she agrees.

My wife's old boyfriend from 20 years ago contacted her on the past weekend - he is having troubles in his relationship. My wife told me that his wife is jealous of my wife because they used to date. I'm not threatened by the ex-boyfriend because I know that my wife wouldn't pursue it and she showed me everything he said and her responses. However, I decided to take it upon myself to message him and tell him not to contact her anymore. I was very respectful and after some light discussion he agreed. He said I shouldn't be threatened by him - but I don't like that it happened and I don't like that his wife probably doesn't know. I guess I'm turning into a moral crusader or something. My wife was surprised that I messaged him because it's out of character for me to confront people - but I think it's important that I do it more often.

Yesterday was a very difficult day. I kept thinking about how inconsiderate and disrespectful the affair was to me. I was home taking care of the kids, encouraging my wife to go on shopping trips and trainings - while she was visiting her affair partner. I kept thinking about the snapchat stuff. That our relationship really wasn't that bad (which obviously it was on her end) that I'm such a good man who didn't deserve all this [censored]. So I spoke with her about it last night. I told her how I'm still feeling ambivalent about the relationship. She took it very well. She answered questions I asked, comforted me when I was crying and told me that 'we will both be better people in the end - whether we are together or not'. She reassured me that she wants to be with me and told me she made a huge mistake. She said she will keep putting in the effort unless I decide the relationship is over. Even if the relationship doesn't make it - I think we can remain friendly.

I noticed I just wrote a book. In summary I'm still on the emotional rollercoaster. I thought I was coasting along with certainty and I was wrong. I have a big decision to make and I need to give myself more time. I love my wife so much... I love our life together... I love our kids. And at the same time, I don't know if I want to put the work in to repair. I feel like I put so much effort over the years to improve the relationship and it only resulted in an affair. I question whether we are truly compatible. Maybe I would be happier (and her) with someone else. My wife is the ONLY girl I've EVER dated, EVER kissed/hugged intimately, EVER had sex, EVER had a relationship. Maybe that's why I'm so clingy?

[Accuray]

Newguy2, what you are going through and feeling is *totally normal*. You need to process the stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You don't go through them linearly, they will come and go. You will reach acceptance and then go back to anger, it's normal.

Both you and your wife need to understand this is a process -- the way things are now is *not* how they will always be. Humans fall into that trap easily of believing that today's problems will last forever. Eventually you will put this behind you but it may not be on either of your timelines and will undoubtedly require pain and investment along the way.

In my case I went through all the same feelings you've described -- I was a good husband, why did I deserve this, it was such a betrayal, etc. etc. What my IC told me is that often these feelings come in waves, the wave will just overcome you and you'll go from feeling okay to feeling terrible. She said that over time, they'll come less frequently, they won't last as long when they do come, but unfortunately the last thing to go will be the intensity.

One thing to think about is discussing SSRI's with your doctor. I know its a highly controversial topic and that it [censored] that you would need to consider medication when you're not the one that had the affair. I started a course after my second BD with all kinds of misgivings about doing so. What they do is that they prevent you from dwelling on negative thoughts, that's it. If that would help you, think about it.

Your situation is totally recoverable -- be the best husband you can be. If you're the best person you can be and acting as a husband only a fool would leave, then you will have no regrets and no guilt. If she stays, you'll feel confident that there is no emotional room in your relationship for an affair partner because you're "all that". If she leaves, you'll know it's because she's a fool and not because of your failings. It's a foolproof plan.

Don't fall into the trap of comparing yourself to OM or feeling that you don't measure up in some way, or that she did things for him that she would not do for you. That's a cheeseless tunnel. Affairs are based in fantasy, your relationship is reality. Affairs don't have a sink full of dirty dishes, tired people at the end of a work day, crying children, money problems, etc. and those things, along with the good times, are what make a relationship real. She was not her "real" self with him, nor was he with her, they couldn't be, and their brains forced them to ignore each other's downsides and personality issues. In the long run all of that would come to bear.

My exW had several EA's and one PA, she was on a tear! One after another. Since we've been divorced for three years she's dated one guy for two months and that was it. I think the found the "real life dating" landscape to be a far cry from affair land. You don't have to compete with that, no one in the real world can.

Acc

[Bdog37]

Wow, I remember riding that emotional rollercoaster. Its hard and I feel for you Newguy2, I really do.

Accuray said it best. At first you are going to go through massive waves of emotions, but in time this will be less frequent.

The grieving process is hard and I know I didn't handle it very well. Anger, sadness, depression, are all things that I struggled with. Then came forgiveness...which is one that most people have a hard time with and so did I. You will have to do some major soul searching to see if you can TRULY forgive her. It is a long process though so hang in there.

[Newguy2]

Thanks for the responses.

I am continuing to focus on myself. I really need to decide who I am and what I want for myself and my life. Whatever I decide will be the best decision for myself - I just need to get the emotions down to a less intense level so I can make a good decision.

I also understand I'm getting myself caught in a lot of 'traps', cheeseless tunnels, cognitive distortions, etc. Because the thoughts keep crossing my mind I feel it's important to share it with my wife to help me 'get it out'. I think she has been supportive with this and as I mentioned it comes in waves. I was talking about it in IC - but I sort of expressed I was doing well and asked to space out the sessions. Oops. Fortunately my next session is early next week.

I am taking an antidepressant - I actually started it a week or two prior to the discovery. I've been on an antidepressant in the past and told my wife I noticed myself struggling so I decided to restart the medication to be proactive.

[Accuray]

Glad to hear you're taking care of yourself! Remember to separate what happened from the story you tell yourself about what happened. The "what happened" may be that your W sent OM a snapchat. The story you're telling yourself is that she sent him pictures, that they were the same as the ones she used to send you, that she did it out of disrespect for you, etc. etc. That's all the story you're telling yourself, that's not what happened. The story you tell yourself can become your reality -- don't get caught in that trap.

Acc