Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[job]

Coly,
Your feelings are very normal. We read the posts of others and it's normal to compare the various situations to your own...however, each situation is different and what happens in one poster's case may not happen in another. No one knows how each situation will play out and the outcome is unknown to us until something happens. So, take a deep breath and continue to have faith in you, your h, the man upstairs and the process.

Your dad sounds like is a very good at remodeling and fixing things. Ask him questions and ask him to show you how to fix things. This will help you if you ever have that particular problem again.

I'm glad you and your daughter are going on holiday soon. You both need a break from the mlc madness.

[Coly23]

I know Job, but it is so hard it not to compare with other sitches when I have such little information to go on.

Anyway after all that I was thinking of what my DB coach said about doing a 180 and asking H if he needs any of his stuff that he left behind as he knows it will usept me. So I just dropped him a light text saying that I hope he doesn't think
I am holding his stuff hostage and anytime he needs anything to let me know. He just responded to say he didn't think there was a hostage situation and wanted to know if I wanted to grab a coffee next weekend. What do you think, should I go?

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
I know you know not to compare situations, but yes, there's a time-element in there that could bother you. But, my H is very lost and much younger. He really believes or is trying to convince himself that "a clean slate" is the best way to move forward. He said pretty much in the same sentence as filing that maybe we could get back together someday. Try that on for size!
I'm going to take Job's advice and just go one day at a time. So yeah, have a coffee with him.

[Westo]

Going for a coffee won't do any harm

[Coly23]

Hey Altair and Westo, thanks for the visit!

Altair - your H (as with all our H's!) does sound very confused. I know I shouldn't compare your sitch with mine but although your H has filed for D he seemed to be more affectionate with you and also wanted to talk. My H NEVER wants to talk about anything and apart from a hug and kiss hello and goodbye I've had no, ahem, relations, for nearly 18 months! Yes, I do need to keep reminding myself to take one day at a time and that's something I really have to take to heart because I am the biggest planner ever when it comes to my personal life!

Westo, I have said yes to coffee but that I only have next Sunday free (which is true). I didn't want him to think I was too eager so I left it till this evening to text him back and again it was mainly because I was at my Sister's for most of the day

I must say I was taken a back with his invite. One of my signposts was that H will ask me out for coffee without me prompting a meet up. However I am now starting to worry about his reasons! I know, no expectations. Just go and have coffee and I won't be arranging to see him again. I'm going to leave it to him for a while. I've one enough chasing to have run three marathons!!

The purpose of my text about his stuff was to let him see that I am not worried or afraid of him getting his things anymore. At the end of the day it is just stuff, I realise that now. I think it's good for me in the process of detaching from him to let him know that it doesn't bother me anymore.

[Altair]

Hi Coly,
Well, to clarify this was the first R talk we've had in many many moons. And I didn't let it go too deep, I let him talk. And, it's true "having relations" from time to time has certainly added to the confusion in the mix. I was REALLY glad he didn't pull the "you'll find somebody new" card and just talked about us. There were breakpoints identified along the way that he withdrew, and I let him. So, it was a fair conclusion to view the deterioration as a dynamic. He said there were many things he wanted to change about himself. My friends are all, if he still loves you why is he doing this? I can't explain MLC fog to them, they don't understand he needs to go through this crisis and maybe come out the other side a better person. That I'm not on that train. From the perspective of the vets here, this can't be fixed until he's fixed. Jumping back in or taking him back or trying to save this thing before he's oven-baked as we know would just result in it happening again, and likely to be worse. It's hard to explain to a friend that going to MC right now won't help (as much as I'd love for that to be a solution, it isn't). Ah, Sunday, that hard day-- the most alone day for me. Well, I will go for my run (you too, keep up the exercise) as I know it will make me feel better.
hugs, Coly.
A.

[skm0619]

Coly.....I have read through your sitch and things with you and your H sound so much like my sitch. I'm sure many of us have many similarities.

I totally understand all of your sadness, hurt and frustrations. I went for an extended period of not speaking to my H and it was the hardest thing for me. I didn't understand how he could not reach out. After not speaking for over 8 weeks I reached out to him, just for purposes of speaking about our dog who was ill at the time (we do not have children). He was nice, we had small talk, and that was about it. I was confused after speaking to him because he was so nice. Something I didn't expect because he had been such an A$$ to me for so long.

Something that was difficult for me after speaking to him was I thought, surely now that he has FINALLY spoken to me he would want to reach out more......I was so wrong. That was very hard for me to grasp. We would have small chit chat every couple of weeks...usually via text and only about our dogs, and I was the one who would initiate it. I still was pretty upset that he didn't want to reach out more.

I am not sure when it happened, but I finally decided that I was ready to move on with or without him. I told him, and I think he was very surprised. I also think that my anti depressants had finally started to kick in, and I was feeling a bit more like my old self . Little did I know that was when he was starting to work on himself.

I know it is difficult to not have expectations of your H, but trust me it is the best thing to do if you are able to. I found when I did, he would disappoint me, and that would set me back. I needed to continue to move forward, and as difficult as it was for me, I didn't reach out to him as much as I wanted to. I found myself not caring if he called or not. I still thought about him every single day.....a million times a day as a matter of fact, but I didn't let that control my thoughts.....again, something that was very hard to do.

Now that he has started to reach out to me I find myself not wanting to answer his phone calls or texts. I still think about him during the day, just not as much. I also am fine if I don't speak to him.....again something I never thought I would feel.

I know everyone says this but you have to focus on you. I finally started to do that and then my thoughts about H started to change. I started to think maybe I don't need him in my life. I will be fine with or without him. If he wants to be in my life then he can do the work he needs to do and I will continue to work on me.

If you do end up having coffee with him please don't have any expectations, or an agenda of what you want to talk about. I found that when I brought up R stuff, or things he didn't want to hear or talk about, he would shut down.

One day at a time Coly. Please be good to yourself.

[AndrewP]

It seems it doesn't matter how much space we give, how much GAL'ng we do, it does not mean they will want to come back. Both Altair and AP, especially AP are much better at DB'ng than me so I feel I have no hope at all of busting this D. I just want I cry. I just want to reach out to him to say I am still here. I don know what or why I am doing this anymore.... :0(

Coly23 my dear - no I'm not "better" at it than you are. You still have hope and I don't. I admire your heart and kindness but most of all your courage. Courage isn't charging ahead into the fray. Courage is going forward even when it terrifies you because you feel it is the right thing to do.

We all will be fine when we come out of the other side of this. I may be "on the far shore" but I haven't taken too many steps away from the river as of yet towards my future. The future is a frightening foreign land. They do things differently there and it requires Courage to face it. You are courageous. ((Coly23))

[Surv1ve]

Coly,

Whew for a sign post. I am cheering you on, and I am know this last 8 weeks has probably been really hard on you. Echoing others, go without expectations. Whenever I am going to hang out with my H, I sort of keep tabs of interesting topics to discuss or things I've been up to that highlight my GAL to make sure thee's enough fodder to avoid the big old R talks. I don't always succeed, but I try to cope ahead. I hope it goes well for you. The other thing you might consider doing is trying to book a friend to debrief with afterwards so that you know that you have supports in case it really stirs you up. Good luck, you got this.

[Coly23]

Thank you all so much for your comments.

Altair, I can see how having 'relations' can confuse things but if goes to show that your H still finds you attractive otherwise he would not have wanted to. You are right off course, like my H he needs to continue baking. It's just sometimes I want to turn the temperature up so he bakes a little quicker! Glad you are still running Altair. I'm still trying to exercise at least four times a week and I'm going to make sure I keep it up so I can look hot on holiday!

SKM, thanks so much for stopping by. I know, these pesky expectations! I think firstly I am suspicious as to why he has asked to meet me for coffee and secondly how it will affect my expectations and if it will put me back a few steps. Like you say it's strange how when you feel you are starting to accept the sitch, they sense it and pull you back in. Job is sooo right!

AP, you are just to generous in your comments. I wish I felt courageous but I don't and I don't feel like I am deserving of that description. For me courage would be letting go and having pride in myself and my abilities. I look back over the last year at all the begging and pleading I did and I feel embarrassed with my behaviour. Although I know it was hard, I think you were very brave in how you did not break NC with your W and left her to her own path. I wish I had the courage to do that from the start and saved myself even more heartache.

Hey Surv1ve, thanks for stopping by and for cheering me on! I say that H asking me out for coffee is one of my signposts but it could mean nothing in the scheme of things. I like the idea of booking time with a friend afterwards to debrief. I will definitely consider doing that!

So the whole going without expectations is worrying me. As much as I don't want to, things just keep popping into my head! So I am well prepared I have been thinking of a few scenarios that might be the reason for him asking to meet me on Sunday and how I should/shouldn't react/respond. Your feedback and/or suggestions would be greatly appreciated...!

1. H: I've asked to see you so we can sort out when I can come by and collect my stuff.

Coly: Okay, sure H. You can come over on such and such day/time

2. H: I just wanted to ask if we can be friends and if I can see you from time to time?

Coly: suggestions please!

3. H: I've started seeing someone and I wanted you to hear it from me.

Coly: Suggestions please!

I am hoping that he isn't going to ask to see me for coffee to tell he he is seeing someone. I think that will be very cruel to do it in a public place. If he does I think I will just have to walk away.

It could well be that it is just coffee he doesn't mention any of the above so in that case I will listen more than talk, I will validate, validate, validate and I won't try and arrange to meet him again. I will walk away and go back to not initiating contact. I just want to make sure I am prepared and I don't mess up too much!