Yes, Sandi, thanks. Your insights on WWs have been invaluable to me in understanding what is going on with my own wife, while at the same time admittedly being fairly disheartening. This seems to be such a difficult and painful/painstaking dynamic to overcome under the best of circumstances, and my circumstances are far from "best". In dact, with all the particular overlays in my case the odds seem very, very heavily stacked against me. So very hard... she was my first and only true love. Changed my life when I myself was a selfish, very wayward lifestyle young man. I trust God, but maybe he just has other plans for me than reconciliation with my wife.
Tonight will be both confrontation of OM, my former friend, where I will tell him in what low esteem I hold what he did, how it hurt and is hurting my family, and how it is hurting my wife. I will also let him know that unless and until I have divorce papers in hand i will continue to fight for my marriage and if I can find a way to expose him without hurting my wife, I will, and that he should back off as long as we are still married. And, finally, that he is never ever ever to have anything to do with my sons under ANY scenario, even marriage to my wife. Later, I plan to talk with my wife and give her the "cut contact or get out" ultimatum.
I reall appreciate you checking in on me. I'm kind of on an island here having kept mum about the A in order to protect my wife, so I've been carryin that burden all alone and can use all the support and prayers I can get.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Seems to be pretty close to consensus here that if your are hoping to reconcile you don't go telling EVERYONE about the A, as it makes for a very rough path hme,for the WW, and can lead to substantial family discord and unpleasantness if and when reconcilliation occurs.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Seems to be pretty close to consensus here that if your are hoping to reconcile you don't go telling EVERYONE about the A, as it makes for a very rough path hme,for the WW, and can lead to substantial family discord and unpleasantness if and when reconcilliation occurs.
You should rephrase that, however. You shouldn't be protecting HER from exposure of the A. It should be your choice not to expose it, but I would not go out of my way to protect her. Don't expose it, but if it comes out, it comes out. That's called a consequence to her actions.
If you chose not to expose it's for your sake, not to protect her.
I will also let him know that unless and until I have divorce papers in hand i will continue to fight for my marriage and if I can find a way to expose him without hurting my wife, I will, and that he should back off as long as we are still married.
Please don't tell the OM this ^^^^^^^^. He is not your friend, does not care how you feel, does not have your family or W's best interest at heart, and he is not an honorable man. Do not tell him that you plan to expose him!!!! That will defeat the purpose and tip your hand so that he can discredit you before you can make anyone believe what you say about him.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Jeeminy what a frustrating evening. Expecting to get some resolution and forward movement of some sort and shut out on both fronts. OM didn't show up at his usual watering hole, on a hockey playoff night, no less, where he can ALWAYS be found, so I was shut down there, and then W came home and went straight to sleep while I was working out, so no opportunity to have the "Cut contact or get out" convo with her. Gonna have to just call her at work tomorrow and say "hey, lets meet right after work so we can talk" (which I hate, because then she talks to the OM on her "cheater phone" and plans what to say-- rather have the talk unscripted.)
Sandi, so your comment raises an interesting question in me: Do you know of an particularly effective ways to expose a single OM who is cheating with your W? He has kids of his own from a previous marriage and adultery is still against the law where I live... could I put his custody at risk? (Somehow I doubt it since his first marriage ended from his infidelity yet he still got the kids.) Have him prosecuted for adultery? (This would implicate my wife, though, obviously.) Would love to stick it to the predator SOB somehow but not sure what my options are. I DO have pretty good proof...
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Don't give her the heads up that you are going to talk. Then she won't be able to plan anything to say. Just wait for a moment when you together next and bring it up then.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
First, you need to slow down and think logically. You want to bust this OM and get him legally in trouble for adultery and have his kids taken away from him, yet you want to protect your wife who is guilty of the same??
Well, say you do all of this. What if his wife or he himself turns around and does the same thing to your W? Your wife is very not innocent in all of this. She is just as guilty as her OM. You are all about protecting her to make the path smooth and paved for her to come home. You think exposing JUST him which is not possible without exposing her, by the way, and destroying his family is going to make that path nice and smooth? No, it's going to put boulders in it.
If you are going to expose this, you are exposing them both as they are both equally guilty parties. Just know that. Don't think you messing with his family is going to protect your family in any way shape or form.
I know you re fueled by anger right now. Rightfully so. But I would be smart about this if your goal is not to let what your wife did get out. because she is as guilty as he is.
And I know you want him to suffer. But I don't think it's fair to make his kids suffer. Taking their dad away from them so you could stick it to the SOB.
I am going to be brutally honest here and you may not be ready to hear it.
He isn't a predator. Your wife is grown woman who made her own choices and continues to do so.
