Your W shutting down (sullenness) and showing her opposition by walking out and leaving the family sitting there.........is that her usual behavior? Then does she vent her anger over D17's decision onto you?
I may be mistaken, but what you said to your W in the bedroom sounds very similar to what you told previously about trusting D17. My suggestion is to stop saying how you both have to trust her........b/c your WW may very well turn those words on you when or if you want her to be transparent. If you have another opportunity to discuss this about D17, you could say, "I will trust my daughter until she gives me reason to doubt her". And while you make this statement, you look straight into your W's eyes. That's all that's necessary. Don't keep repeating yourself.
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I think if my W reaches out to me today I am going to let her know that I can not live in this type of open marriage anymore. Is this the wrong time to bring this up with everything else going on or should I just do it since I have confidence in myself to follow through? Also, how do I proceed with this conversation if she chooses to continue to talk? I do not want to come off as controlling and say the wrong things but I do want her to know where my boundary is.
Your confidence is better today. However, I don't see you ready to undertake this step just yet. If that's all you've got, you need better preparation or she'll have you backed in a corner. I don't mean you need more words, but be ready to set a boundary if needed.
I tell you what.......you can practice with me, and I'll give you an example of how she might react (although I don't know her personality, I may be able to hit pretty close).
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am also questioning if it had even the slightest impact with her or has she already blown it off. How would I know if it is on her mind and is there anything I will need to follow up with. Maybe I should just let this stew for awhile and see what progresses. I am really hoping Sandi2 can keep advising me. I have to trust her on this as she knows what is going on in their mind. She really gave me the confidence I needed to do what I always knew was right. No matter what happens. Its good to get it out in the open and start to feel like myself again. Of course, minus the bad habits and attitude that have been part of my internal changes and making them stick.
Thank you for your reply. Did you happen to see the follow up reply I posted. I didn't realize while typing on my phone I went to delete a line of text that was unnecessary to my story and because I can't see the whole post while I am typing I actually selected the whole paragraph and cut it out of the post.
The follow up post was basically what was left out in that initial reply to you.
I'm not sure if I received the part of the post to which you referred. I did, however, miss this part:
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So after I left the room wife came back out and continued to try and push my buttons so I calmly told her that I have been trying to show her respect and compassion regardless of what we have been going through these past 7 weeks and she replied with "what me going out with friends" and I said no with you going out to see another guy and having an ongoing affair. I said it is apparent you do not respect me and haven't for some time and I can no longer tolerate it. Then I proceeded to walk away again and with that being said she quietly went back to the bedroom.
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My question to you or anyone else who wants to chime in is, today she has not contacted my as she usually has been. Which I figured would be the case. At this point I am not going to initiate any contact with her. What do you think is going on in her head if anything and what should my next step be? I saw from your post what you though I should say and I wish I had seen that before. That is why if she initiates contact with me today I was going to follow up with exactly what you told me to state.
Do not initiate contact with her. Do not tell her what you know about the A/OM. The more you tell her, the more ammunition she gains.
Right now, she's wondering how you found out and how much do you know. Do not tell her! She may watch you for a few days, to decide what she needs to do about you knowing. (Don't get excited, b/c I don't mean she'll think about doing the right thing). She will probably take the affair deeper underground, at least until she feels you have lost their scent. You can expect her to try to manipulate you in various ways. She might sull even more, expecting you will go to her and apologize......b/c that's what you've been programed to do in the past. When that doesn't work, then she might appear to warm up a little. If you won't give away your emotions and hold firm, she may even try to squeeze out a few tears (depending on her level of anger). It's all a way of her temperature checking to see where you emotionally stand in the relationship with her. This is not the time to have to have a relationship talk with her! Although you will be tempted to talk and talk, I promise it will only make you feel like you've let off some steam, and it will be very temporary. In the long run, however, you would be setting yourself up for failure. If you are smart, you will wait until you are prepared to stick to a boundary. Do not talk about it! Do not whine to her about how she badly she's disrespecting you. She knows exactly what she's doing.
I think you need to make yourself very scarce around the house for the next several nights GAL. The more you hang around the house when she's there.....the more you are giving her the message you want to be there just in case she wants to talk. The real message she needs to see is that you are fed up with her behavior and you aren't going to hang out with her, and you don't care to hear any of her b.s. (You really have to take on a tough attitude to withstand her little tricks).
This has just taken a new turn, and it will mostly depend on how you handle yourself in the next several days that will determine how long she'll try to play you.
No that was the extent of our interaction. She hasn't texted me today like she has been but she tried calling me 15 minutes ago and for the first time in the past 2 months I let it go unanswered. I actually feel pretty good right now and I think I might try and find something to do tomorrow night or Thursday. I will try and carefully avoid her tonight by going downstairs to do my workout when I get home. Is there any other thing I should be doing or not doing?
I feel like I am getting closer everyday to firmly set the boundary we discussed and being able to back it up. I am regaining my pride and dignity but to be honest I think it's the realization that right now I have been worrying about losing something that I have already lost. Once that thought set in I realized that no matter what I do I can't lose it again I only have the chance to gain it back.
I don't know if it had that much of an impact. She is probably confused about the conversation coming up. Like Sandi2 said I need to not initiate any contact and be scarce for the next few days. I do feel better about myself. I didnt ask her if there was an affair going on but informed her that I know. I didn't want to give her a chance to lie to my face about it and deny it. As far as I am concerned I don't need to throng it up again. Her knowing of my awareness of it is enough. How are you making out?
I know what you mean. These women are already lost and were trying are hardest to bring them back. But I can't help but to notice that my W isn't this grand prize. My family thinks that I would be so much better off without ber. And as I come closer to getting back my mojo, I realize that it's love and loyalty that has me trying to keep this MR together. Really wondering if these W leave would we worse of other than financially?
So last night I got home from work around 7:30 and my W and son were at his baseball practice. I then proceeded to change and to work out downstairs. My W and S7 get home around 8:30 and I was just finished so I went straight to shower and avoided contact. When I got out she asked why I didn't pick up her phone call earlier in the day, so I told her that I was called into a production meeting. When asked why I didn't text back I explained that because it has been so busy I never had the time.
I then helped my son finish his math homework and let him play some video games before bed. My W was doing something in the kitchen and when she came in the living room I mentioned I was very tired, politely said goodnight and went to bed. Well I got a good night's sleep.
Finding it easier to keep my distance these past 2 days. My W called me again today so I picked up this time. Figured I I shouldn't ignore all her calls but I kept it brief and when she she was done I said I had to get back to work. I still miss her but I am really starting to be able to cope with everything better. Hopefully it keeps getting easier. Just working on myself, 180s and GAL. Going out tomorrow night with friends. Should be fun.
