Leaving it up to God (I think!)

[peacetoday]

Coly

It is a process and grieving takes time

Even though we are to get a life and practice certain behaviors especially around H
and create a new life

we are still encouraged to feel our hurt and process it with safe people
Grief takes like 18 months so the feelings of sadness, hurt may come and go and in time they will come less and less

[Coly23]

Thanks Peace. I hate that I have to feel this way. I hate that I have to grieve when no one has died. I know I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness and I am trying but it's so hard when I miss my H so much. When I think of how dismissive he is of me now yet I have to respect his feelings.

Warning pity party just about to start...

I just don't want to be divorced again and that's why I am so desperately trying to cling on. I haven't contacted him but each day it gets harder not to. I am afraid that his one year lease is coming up and he might start approaching me about selling the house or I don't know what. Or he might tell me he is moving in with someone he has kept under wraps for a year. I know this is all in my head but I can't stop making this stuff up. I'm trying so hard to keep busy but it just doesn't help. I'm trying to prepare for the worst.

I go to family get togethers and I am the only one without a partner and I feel like such a leper, a failure. Why did this have to happen to me, why! None of my sister's marriages are perfect but they love each other enough to stay together. Why did I have to marry someone who tells me he doesn't love me enough to make the effort. Am I really that unlovable? Maybe I am. Maybe I need to accept that I should be in my own and not put anyone else through this hell again.

I keep looking at couples and wonder what they have. I see how they look at each other and I can't see what it is. I feel nothing, I feel numb, I feel defective.

Sorry, pity party over! There is nothing I can do about the sitch, nothing I can do to influence it so I just have to keep going and live my life as well as I can for myself and D. It's not the life I want or planned but that life is out of my control I know that but I hate it.

[roist]

Best wishes my friend.

It is hard but for now I am not sure you contactinghim will help you.

[FightOn]

(((Coly)))

I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same way!

I feel defective and unworthy because my H has told me the same thing - he doesn't love me enough to make the effort to repair the relationship.

How does it deteriorate to this point? How can they give up everything so easily? I have searched for the answers and unfortunately, I don't have them.

The answers lie within them. I'm not sure they even really know.

I wish I could tell you something to make the pain and hurt go away. I wish I had a magical cure. I really do.

What I can do is let you know I am here. I will listen. Vent. Share your feelings.

Above all, know you are loved. You ARE worthy.

[Westo]

(((Cwtch))) for Coly,

I know what you are going through, I feel the same. S doesn't mention him, D is angry at him to what he's done to me and the GD he adored and who adored him and hasn't seen for over a year.

The family is ripped apart and it's agonising and surreal.

I don't know what to say other than offer my support and thank God for this place, I don't know how I would have coped without it.

[peacetoday]

Coly
It is all normal feelings and it is part of the process

The thing is it is not you--you are lovable and worthy

It is a crises and the crises is not because of us--please understand that its not you
The crises is created from unresolved childhood issues

You didn't create it and you can't fix it
positive self talk helps and we want to create positive internal tapes now while it is fresh because what we think about grows

so just a thought:

tell yourself that it is ok to miss and love and grieve and feel hurt
but you are worthy and it was never your fault
it will all be ok no matter what
you have your health and your D
practice the new thoughts till they become real for you

know for sure you will get to the other side of this and most likely better off in some ways

hang in

[HaWho]

Coly, I can't say it any better than Peace just did. ^^^^ Is really good advice. Thanks for posting this Peacetoday. It's so helpful to read it.

Coly, be kind to yourself. Keep the lens on you and your d.

[Coly23]

Thank you all so much for you kind posts. Just feeling so down at the moment. I guess because it is coming up to the one year mark and I don't feel anything has progressed one way or the other.

Roist, you are right that contacting H won't help. I think it just reinforces how much he DOESN'T want to be with me!

FightOn, I've asked myself a million times how it got to the stage where he doesn't think I'm worth it. To go from someone who literally worshiped the ground I walked on to nothing is now making me second guess the whole M/R. Was any of it real? Did I just see what I wanted to see? I'm starting to believe him now that maybe he didn't ever love me and instead it was his way of getting away from his lonely life. I feel like such an idiot.

Westo, thanks for the cwtch, it is very much needed at the moment. I think you hit the nail on the head; it is very surreal. I keep thinking that I will wake one morning and he will be back beside me.

Peace, your words are wise, thank you. I know I will get to the other side one day but it's the thought of going through this painful journey first. I try to remind myself everyday of what I have got and I am truly grateful. I just need to get to the stage where I believe the fact that I don't need H to be happy and have a fulfilling life.

Hawho, thanks for the visit. Everyday seems like such a struggle but I know I just need to get through it one day at a time. I know that things can change on a dime but I need to stop holding out for change in H and look for the change in me. I realise it's keeping me stuck.

Journaling - I started a little project I've been meaning to do for some time, painting the porch door and tidying up the porch area. I sucked it up and put my fear of spiders and all things that crawl aside and got stuck in to getting rid of some cobwebs. I have put the undercoat on the door and today I will paint on the top coat. I bought myself a little heart door hanging to spur me on and I think it's going to look lovely. Trying to put my stamp on the house.

Hope everyone is okay...

[Coly23]

Hi All! Just seen updates this week from my two good friends on this board Andrew P and Altair so thought I should post an update too. Hugs to you both.

I've been doing okay. Had a rough time at Easter but since I've back to work I feel a bit better. I think I need the routine of work because when I am in holiday that is when it all goes down hill for me. Especially when it is a holiday at home just pottering.

I had a great night out last Thursday at our work's award ceremony. We actually stayed up in the hotel bar until 4.00am! The only other time I was awake at that ungodly hour was when I was in labour for D! Well anyway the next couple of days was rubbish. I really missed coming home and talking to H about the night and also there were a few men hitting on me as soon as they found out we were seperated which I really didn't lik. I know at some stage in the future I may have to look at getting back into the dating game again but I don't like that idea. I know I don't have to think about it now but it's always in the back of my mind. Blegh.

On the H front. It's been six weeks since I last saw him and Easter Sunday was the last time he texted myself and D. We are just leaving him alone but I still think about him every minute of the day and still miss him terribly. It will be a year next month since he left and it feels like only yesterday. I wonder if he will ever reach out to me because it feels like he has moved on. I think it was Roist who said that when we go NC/dark we shouldn't expect them to panic and make contact with us straight away because there will be a period of time where the WS will mirror you and go dark to. I guess this is what caused me to panic the last time and reach out to him after seven weeks. I need to let him have his thoughts and feelings and hopefully miss me and D.

Anyway in other news. I managed to book a holiday for myself and D in July. We are taking her friend with us so at least she can have some companionship her own age. Something to look forward to.

I've also starred redecorating my hallway although my poor Dad had a job disconnecting the radiator off the wall as the valve was broken and wasn't shutting off the water! also my dishwasher stopped working when he was here which was a blessing because he was able to fix it for me. I've always been a practical person but now I'm on my own I'm taking more notice of what my Dad does so I can do more for myself.

Anyway thanks for visiting. I still read along everyday and try to post on all your threads although sometimes I just don't have any wise words but that doesn't mean you are not in my thoughts.

Happy Sunday everyone!

[Coly23]

Another thing I meant to say is that Altair's update has rocked me a bit. Even though her H told her he was going to file, now that it has happened I feel frightened that this is will happen to me soon.

It seems it doesn't matter how much space we give, how much GAL'ng we do, it does not mean they will want to come back. Both Altair and AP, especially AP are much better at DB'ng than me so I feel I have no hope at all of busting this D. I just want I cry. I just want to reach out to him to say I am still here. I don know what or why I am doing this anymore.... :0(