WW in PA: Threaten to tell kids? Confront OM?

[Cadet]

3) Show/Tell them how they should treat a woman-- an area I really "fell down" on, obviously, and now don't have nearly the opportunity that I used to.

I think this one you should turn around to be

Show/Tell them how to be a good man!

They are boys/almost adults,
you are their male role model.
What does that look like to them?

If you look in the mirror - what does it look like to YOU?

[hoosjim]

Thanks for both replies, Cadet. On the attractiveness of "Being a good Father": I am sure it wont hurt, as such, but I am not certain the "find a mate/good-father and reproduce" dynamic is very pertinent in my case. My wife may be past the age (she is early stage menopause) where that instinct is very powerful. In this case, the adventure/excitement seratonin-rush from blandishment and sexual adventure seems to be the primary driver. The OM in question is definitely NOT the paragon of a good father (tried to get me to hire hookers for my teenage son to "make him a man"-- encourages his teenage son to have lots of premarital sex with older women so he "gets experienced with experienced girls.")

On being a good "man"-- something I definitely fell down on. Not that i wasn't a good "person", but good "man", well... not so much before the past three months. Have reawakened though, and am really turning things around. Looking forward to my conversation to close the loop with the OM...

[hoosjim]

Another question regarding my stance with the kids when I "drop the bomb" on her: "Cut ties or move out of the marital bedroom (or even the house)". She will want me to present a "united front" to the kids that we "both agree that we can't work things out" and that it will be "better for everyone if we separate" or some such tripe... Which is NOT true. MY position right now is that we COULD try to work things out if not for the overlay of the OM she is seeing. We were actually making progress before they rekindled things. We have NEVER given "us" and "our prospects" the full and fair consideration they should be given, so I am NOT ready to say "we both agree we can't." So... What DO i say? I can "leave it up to her" what to tell the kids, of course, but... they are CERTAIN, at almost 17 and 18 years, to ask me. Consensus seems to be that I do not "Out" their mom re: the Affair. Do I just say "Your Mom and I are having some difficult times in our relationship and don't agree on how to resolve them.. I offered her some ideas to resolve them (or offered to go to counseling-- should I(?)) but she does not want to work on the marriage right now." Any other thoughts on how I should respond to her inevitable pleas/requests to cover up for her with the kids and as to how I should actually respond to the kids!

Thanks all! This is all very helpful!!!

[OwnIt]

My H and I were in a brief MC phase when he told me we were definitely getting a divorce. I told him that I would NOT state or imply to my children, who are also older, that this was mutual. The MC agreed with me. He ended up running out and not coming back to have that converation with them so I had it alone. I said your father has decided he wants to leave the marriage and will not be living with us anymore . . . Make sure you stress that this has nothing to do with them and in reality very little to do with you at this point.

[Cadet]

Another question regarding my stance with the kids when I "drop the bomb" on her: "Cut ties or move out of the marital bedroom (or even the house)".

YOU should not move out of the house or the MBR.

Let her move.

If you are going to move get your lawyers permission first as this is one of the biggest mistakes that you can make!

[hoosjim]

Thanks, cadet. It was never my intention for me to move out of either mbr or house. That's the choice I will be,offering HER. (cut ties or move out). My question more relates to what I can/should tell kids if it is not advisable to actually directly /explicitly "hout" Mom Re the affair.

[Cadet]

Remember that your kids are half of her and half of you,
so be careful here on what you say or do.

I would be truthful and have boundaries but not
do any of this as a strategy.
Its one thing to tell it to HER face another to your children.

[hoosjim]

Cadet, that is very difficult and not sure I understand. If I set boundary of "I won't share her" under common roof or while cohabitating, and put decision on her to cut contact or else move out of mbr (and ultimately out of house), and she opts to not cut contact (which is the likely outcome in my case) the kids have to be told SOMETHING. I am on board with and understand the wisdom of not "outing" her about the affair, BUT... she WILL be moving out, and that move is not a decision with which I agree. If she tells them "dad and I have agreed we no longer want to be married", should I NOT say: "no, actually, I still want to work on our problems but your mother does not"? I understand this is a delicate tightrope to walk... I want there to be costs/consequences for my wife's behavior (affair), but by attacking her or appearing to actively alienate the kids from her I could be shooting myself in the foot. How would you or others suggest I approach this... because eventually I MYSELF am going to likely have to say something or answer questions from my very bright and inquisitive sons as to why mom is leaving bedroom and/or moving out. If I always default to "ask your mom"she's just going to say it's a joint decision.

[LH19]

IMO let her say its mutual the truth will come out eventually anyway. It always does.

[Cadet]

IMO let her say its mutual the truth will come out eventually anyway. It always does.

I agree, you can't control what she says anyways.
Best to say nothing at this point.