I'm slowly letting her go. I am certainly not letting her see me sweat. When we are at home together, Im the one joking around with her daughter and my folks. While she stomps around with a scowl on her face.
All my friends are telling me to run as fast as I can from her. They all seem to think she has some deep issues from her crazy childhood.
Your friends just see the pain you're going through, and want you to feel better. So they tell you to get away from the source of your pain. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Maybe it's not.
I have a guy that works for me, and his life experience is pretty limited. I think of him as, if not a son (he's only ten years younger than me) at least as a kid brother or nephew, so when he needs to talk, I always listen. One thing I've told him is that advice is just that: advice. It's what people who care about you think the right answer to your problem is based on their life experience.
But in the end, they don't have to life your life, you do. So you listen to the advice, you run it through your head... and if it still doesn't feel like the right decision, you do what you think is right, and then own it.
I wish I had your cool. I KNOW that if I did, things wouldn't be as bad as they are between W and I right now. She never would have left if I hadn't pushed her to. She never would have taken off her ring if I hadn't pushed her to. If I could have worked past the pain, and just left her alone, maybe things would be different.
Thornton, YOU, more than anyone else here, are the guy I'm rooting for. The bit about SD breaks my heart because it could be me.
You're the guy I wish I could be right now. You might not be able to piece what you had back together, but at least you've got a plan, at least you're doing the work. I'm still feeling sorry for myself. Keep doing what you're doing, man. Even if it doesn't work, you're being the best you you can be.
Hi Thornton, I'm pleased to read that your posts seem to be a little more upbeat and you are coping better with the situation.
A couple of things to think about perhaps. I would agree from all that you post that she may have some issues. Whether there is some borderline personality disorder there or not - who knows? However, it is important to take a balanced view of the situation. In any relationship breakdown, there are things to own. She may or may not choose to pick up, examine and work on hers - that's up to her. It's up to each of us whether we chose to pick up, examine and work on the things we own too.
I was recently chatting to someone who has been through a marital break up. It was a difficult break up as so many are and he made it to the other side intact. He now has the view that - I'm a great guy - she was defective - and I now need to find a great gal - and all shall be well. I don't think things are so straightforward and it takes two, you know? In fact, from all this guy said, he was pretty submissive in the marital relationship and he came to see his exW as controlling and borderline abusive. But of course his passivity was a factor in that dynamic too. All in all, he may have missed out on learning some things that could benefit a future relationship.
It's nice that you and her daughter have a good relationship, and I hope that will endure whatever the outcome. In my situation, I do keep in touch with my stepson. I was involved in his life from when he was four until he was 15, and both he and his Mum call me his 'other' Mum - which is kind. I'm lucky that we get to stay in touch. Is your current level of interaction with her daughter about at the same level as usual? I think it is best to try and maintain your usual level of interaction with her - ie: not increase that or withdraw either. Sometimes in these situations, people increase their effort with kids in order to try and influence the outcome they seek. I'm not suggesting this is happening, only that it is something to bear in mind and be aware of.
I'm also hoping you may manage a little GAL sometime soon too. I'm not suggesting bar, nightclub or social GAL if that doesn't work for you. But something that does get you out and about doing something you enjoy might be a good plan perhaps?
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks for the kind words, East. I really appreciate it.
Sotto - I absolutely agree with you. I know I have issues as well. The only difference between W and I is I'm open to feedback and making changes in therapy. I don't want to repeat my mistakes.
I know I have some unresolved childhood trauma that definately contributed to issues in the relationship. Unfortunately, during my time with WAW, she has re-enforced some of those issues. Honestly, that is for me to own because I took the risk of getting back with her, twice.
I certainly hope that WAW will let me stay in contact with her D. But I have a feeling she has been telling everyone within earshot that I'm a monster. And if that's the case, how can she justify letting her D stay in contact with me?
In the meantime, I'm nearing the point where I'm going to start forcing myself to GAL. Sometimes I like to hole up in my cave and lick my wounds until I start feeling stronger. I definately need to start exploring a little bit.
I'm sure my depression isn't helping. I dont really feel excited about doing anything right now. I will do things because I know I need to force myself.
I had therapy last night and my therapist and I are coming up with ways to boost my self esteem.
I talked alot about why I feel I need WAW even though she has proven to be a "runner" when things got bumpy. It's basically codependance mixed with a fear of abandonment stemming from the stuff I went through as a kid.
I talked alot about the shame and embarrassment I have for allowing myself to be in this predicament again. C was very happy that I was just spilling my guts about my fears and insecurities.
We then talked a little about WAW. My C is well versed in attachment theory. Basically, I have an anxious attachment style and WAW has an avoidant style. Her history speaks for itself. Lots of short relationships, lots of job changes, and frequent moves to other states.
He described the push/pull that happens in these types of relationships and how we end up in this continual "dance" with each other.
Honestly I thought I was doing much better with my stuff. I haven't been clingy or pressing her to spend more time with me for quite some time. And that's probably why I thought we were going to make it this time.
So... I need to start beleiving in myself. I also need to allow myself to feel my feelings no matter how uncomfortable they are. I tend to run from my feelings when they get to be too painful. All of this stems from my childhood.
Then I started talking about why I pick the women I do. My ex-wife is a bipolar alcoholic. The girl I dated after her for 4 years was emotionally unavailable and younger. WAW has issues from her childhood stemming from her parents violent divorce and her mother's subsequent relationships with lots of men (including getting married to a drug dealer that was sent to prison).
Basically, I rescue women. Subconsciously, if I see a woman that needs help or rescuing, I slap on my Codependent Super Hero Costume and spring into action. If I can save her, she will love me forever and never, ever, leave me.
Just writing this ^^^ stuff generates a feeling of shame/embarrassment for me. I feel broken and unworthy.
Couple all of that stuff ^^^ with WAW being an expert in projecting blame and never taking responsibility for her stuff, and its the perfect storm of shame for me.
Alot of the people Im close to have no idea I feel like this. So I carry it around like it's my shameful secret.
I need to start being ok with being uncomfortable for a while. Because in order to change this about myself, I am going to face some very painful emotions that I've probably stuffed for quite some time.
That sounds like a useful session Thornton and good to be aware of these dynamics..
As for the shame you feel. I see none of what you have posted as shameful - merely human. You may want to have a look at Brene Brown's work on shame, including her two TED talks. Reading and watching her has been life changing for me.
I'm sure this exploration will serve you well, albeit the delving may not be comfortable - but it is necessary I think...
Now for GAL - as you may know, I have GAL with gusto after our separation and I have no regrets on that front. None of my GAL has involved any one on one contact with guys - though I do have some new guy friends. So, I'm not suggesting you date or even think about that. But I am laying down the gauntlet for you to come up with two ideas for GAL this week that you feel you may enjoy...and that would extend your comfort zone a little...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Then I started talking about why I pick the women I do. My ex-wife is a bipolar alcoholic. The girl I dated after her for 4 years was emotionally unavailable and younger. WAW has issues from her childhood stemming from her parents violent divorce and her mother's subsequent relationships with lots of men (including getting married to a drug dealer that was sent to prison).
Basically, I rescue women. Subconsciously, if I see a woman that needs help or rescuing, I slap on my Codependent Super Hero Costume and spring into action. If I can save her, she will love me forever and never, ever, leave me.
Just writing this ^^^ stuff generates a feeling of shame/embarrassment for me. I feel broken and unworthy.
Awful lot of "her" in YOUR session....
So....why do you think that you pick these types of Women ???
Sotto - thank you. I just feel shame over the things I did to contribute to another break up. We had a heated argument and I lashed out at her. In the meantime, I will start thinking about GAL things to do.
Mach - Honestly I think it's my codependance. Maybe I dont feel deserving of a stable women. Or maybe I dont think a stable woman is capable of being interested in me. I'm not sure. I do notice that I always look for the good in people. I dont think I have the same warning bells go off in my head when a red flag presents itself like other people do.
What I do know is that I'm tired of going through this stuff.
