You guys aren't going to believe this pt 2

[Thornton]

WAW just got all dolled up to go a retirement party that I was supposed to go along with her. She literally could not care any less for me.

I also just stumbled upon the lovely birthday card she gave me in November. She's a completely different person now because we had 2 arguments in 10 months???

I feel so mad that I allowed her back in my life. I fell for her 3 hour cry fest at the Starbucks 10 months ago. She was so genuine that my heart ached for her.

The memories replay in my head and make me feel sick to my stomach.

And for her to take her daughter away from the only father she has ever known makes me sick. All she cares about is herself.

I don't want to be vindictive. And like Mach says, use your anger as a shield and not a weapon.

[leahsue]

Thornton,
I feel so strongly for you. This pain is unlike any other that I've ever experienced. It truly takes your breath away. We will get through this, and hopefully someday, be able to post like Pigpen, from the other side, where there is healing.

[cadence]

Hey, Thornton.

So when you are you getting all spiffy for an event that you're attending (even if you have to make one up)?

Honestly, I know you're devastated. I, too, had to say goodbye to kids that weren't mine. I said goodbye also knowing that I'd spent the last of my childbearing years with their father and now I'll never have any of my own, and they were supposed to be my family. I said goodbye knowing that they needed a stable woman like me in their life, but it's not to be.

I talked to them, and told them that leaving wasn't my choice, and I wanted to stay but there comes a point where you don't let people treat you poorly. I needed them to know that moving out wasn't a decision I took lightly and that if it were up to me, I'd stay.

I cried while talking to them, because I couldn't help it, but I tried to remember that I didn't want them dragged into it or worried. And that was the last that I could do to try to let them know that I cared, to keep them safe from pain, and guide them toward an emotionally healthy life.

(And now I'm blubbering remembering it. They were both so sweet to me.)

It's not fair but it's a risk that we take when we get involved with a parent. When you feel like a victim, remember that. I could be hollering about the injustice I just experienced, but I'm not. It was a risk and I took it, and I've got the person in the mirror to blame.

But try to have some fun with this. Try. You have value and it's her loss if she doesn't know that aside from when you take her word and move on from her. So don't wait until then.

Trust me when I tell you that you deserve to spoil yourself a bit. Get dressed up and go out, preferably when she can see you. And it doesn't matter if you're just meeting friends, or taking yourself out for a dinner and a movie. Just go do it and feel the relief of not being sad at home. You are expressing your value, to her and to yourself, when you treat yourself well. And I think you need to be reminded that you are worthy just as you are, and this one woman does not get to determine your worth to the world.

Honestly, she's silly. She bounces around and is full of tears when she sees you moving on, but then ups and does the same thing. This is not a strong person, and, though you love her, she is not a prize. She has issues inside of her and a man with high self esteem would run like the wind from her and not give her enough of his life for her to be able to project her BS onto him.

Have you heard of intermittent reinforcement? Where a rat pushing a lever for a piece of cheese will stop pushing the lever if they're never rewarded? And they'll tire of the lever even if they consistently get cheese? But that something happens when they push the lever and they only get cheese sometimes, where it makes them more determined to get that #^&*@ cheese? Because I think that some of the back and forth has served as intermittent reinforcement for you and has made you more determined that you need that cheese and that cheese is your redemption. But it's just cheese, dude.

So back up and gain some perspective. I am all for feeling sorry for yourself in small doses, because it's part of the grieving process, but get up and at 'em. For you, not her.

[Thornton]

Amazing post, Cadence. Thank you for your brutal honesty.

[25yearsmlc]

Thornton

You seem self aware, which puts you miles ahead of most people (and certainly ahead of your w, though it's not a contest).

When you discuss how you chose to forgive, it resonates with me obviously.

Perhaps (maybe?) a piece of you feels like you turned the other cheek, and got slapped for it.

I know that thought has crossed my mind and I wondered why my devotion and "Standing" for the m with such loyalty, was not rewarded with some form of gratitude or enhanced m.

I think you wonder if your loving forgiveness was wasted. Well, as Cadence's situation alludes to and shows,

I'm not sure we can feel bad about really truly forgiving someone's wrong against us. It's a good thing to model and to know that in your life, you have loved (given love) deeply.

On my deathbed I know it will mean more to me to know I GAVE love, than that I got it.

I think it was an honorable thing to forgive. The problem arises when we confuse forgiveness & letting go, with letting someone cross our boundaries repeatedly.

Perhaps that is where some of the inner work begins?

[25yearsmlc]

Cadence,

great post and I'm sorry for your loss of childbearing years. I hope there is some sort of continuing r with those children, or can be someday?

You modeled grace in the face of adversity and that will be remembered.

((( )))

[25yearsmlc]

Cadence

the intermittent reinforcement ! YES BF Skinner....


I've often thought of that! It's our spouse's inconsistent crap that throws us when we get a bone thrown our way.

In my case, h had some very moving, (even public) moments of clarity where tremendous remorse was shown...

and then it went away. Not sure why...but

what I learned about ME so far is, that I clung to those morsels SO MUCH MORE than I should have.

As if those short loving gestures/experiences and moments of contentment or closeness, somehow made up for dozens of very bad ones -and plenty of neglect - b/c I chose to focus only on the parts that validated my choice to stay.



OMG Wow, sometimes writing things out here helps b/c I just had an AHA moment.

Thornton, your thread is helping ME and while I don't want to project my stuff on you,

is any of this resonating?

[cadence]

Amazing post, Cadence. Thank you for your brutal honesty.

Well, these situations are brutal and if anything called for brutal honesty, it is this.

I just want you to know that I know your pain and I feel it too. You're not alone. But honestly think bigger picture about what it is that bothers you about her actions. Because I think you'll find your clue about how you heal from this for good, no matter what she does.

In my case, I know that even if he comes back, it doesn't make the root cause better. So I'm going to work on what led me to stay in this situation. And maybe someday he'll get the courage to do some digging himself.

Here are the things that cause my chest to tighten:

- Abandonment and rejection

- Someone getting too close (I think I'm a passive commitmentphobe and H is an active)

- The idea that I may have been a practice round that leads him to understand his issues and he goes and gets better and some other woman gets the life that I wanted.

Ugly, but true. And I've got to dig into those. When I back up and look at them objectively, I don't hurt as badly. Because this situation is triggering my issues and that's why it's so devastating to me. I think you'll find the same.

I'm sorry for your loss of childbearing years. I hope there is some sort of continuing r with those children, or can be someday?

Thank you. I never thought I wanted kids, so I never pursued it. But dear god was it painful falling in love with someone who was a good dad, knowing he didn't want more.

On Christmas Eve, I was playing with his young nephews, and he kept coming up to me and whispering about what a good mom I'd be, and how sad he is that we'll never have that experience together, and that he wishes he could give me kids. I had to tell him to knock it off because it kept making me teary. But it was okay, because we had our whole future planned out, and I knew that he loved me. And that's what I'd always wanted - solid partnership with someone who loved me.

So it's something that I struggle with, but I'd only ever wanted to bring kids into a situation where they were secure and loved, and I still hadn't found that for myself. It is what it is.

I don't know that I have a continuing relationship with them. They're teenagers, and it's so hard because their mom was very possessive of them and would guilt trip them for being close with me. So we were close, but no one admitted it. I think about the younger girl and if she would want to hear from me, but I'm honestly not sure. It may be better to let it go, and maybe I'll see them again someday. If I knew it hurt her not to hear from me, I'd get in touch, but I'm not sure that it does.

As if those short loving gestures/experiences and moments of contentment or closeness, somehow made up for dozens of very bad ones -and plenty of neglect - b/c I chose to focus only on the parts that validated my choice to stay.

And, from the opposite view, perhaps the unwavering love that we provided allowed them to value us less. "Ho hum, another piece of cheese."

That's why boundaries and valuing ourselves to not easily give up the cheese are so important.

[Thornton]

Happy Easter everyone.

I woke up this morning obviously thinking about my sitch. I think it's finally starting to sink in that I need to give up on WAW.

Cadence - I thought a lot about your post to me. You're right, my W isn't a prize. She does have issues. As do I. I vacillate between idealizing her and thinking about all the nice things she's done for me and all the times it appeared she could just shut her feelings off for me and go about her business.

I think I'm starting to realize that I could have been the perfect partner and she probably would have found a reason to leave anyways. At least that's what everyone is telling me.

I know that the pain I'm in is supposed to be molding me into a better person. I just don't see how. I honestly don't think I've ever fully healed from any of my breakups in the past. I would just start dating a new girl after a while.

I want, no I need, to be stronger. Or this pattern will keep repeating itself. I don't even know who I am without a partner. That's not good.

[Sjs777]

while there most certainly is a time to assess whether to move on, I have to ask what the harm may be to develop/prepare yourself without drawing a conclusion. meaning that many actions can be taken alone, such as the 180 approach when at your wits ends