180man Thread 3

[180Man]

Really, I can't post a youtube link for the guy? It was a thousand year-old Chinese parable, nothing threatening to MWD books. Well, if you're reading this and intrigued, lookup The Tao of Forgiveness.

[LITB]

I am not sure how to do this. Any of it. Detachment. Divorce. Making decisions on all of the stupid little stuff. Trying not to think about the baby we were getting ready to have. I'm pretty alone here in this house and this city and even though all of my new activities have helped a lot, there are still times in the day when a person is alone. Really alone. And it makes me sad.

It's all trial and error. None of us are really sure how to do this when we get here. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will stumble, backtrack, and get sideways along the way. No big deal. Pick yourself up and keep going. You'll get there.

[180Man]

I am not sure how to do this. Any of it. Detachment. Divorce. Making decisions on all of the stupid little stuff. Trying not to think about the baby we were getting ready to have. I'm pretty alone here in this house and this city and even though all of my new activities have helped a lot, there are still times in the day when a person is alone. Really alone. And it makes me sad.

It's all trial and error. None of us are really sure how to do this when we get here. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will stumble, backtrack, and get sideways along the way. No big deal. Pick yourself up and keep going. You'll get there.

Thanks LITB. She hasn't replied to our email chain for a week now. With this new information about the affair likely continuing I am kind of hoping she doesn't reply and Saturday coffee doesn't happen. I love her, but it's clear she is in a fog and not much I do or say will change that right now. I need to start making arrangements to finish the house projects I have and get it prepared for sale so that I'm ready for that whenever it comes. I need to finish putting her stuff in boxes. I stopped a couple weeks ago because it was very very difficult. Hopefully it will be easier now.

[LITB]

I suggest to send your W a simple email to cancel the meeting on Saturday.

Something like:

W,

I unable to meet with you on Saturday as a conflict has come up. I apologize for the short notice. Hope you are well.

Doing a 180

[LITB]

Hey 180,

Any update on your coffee meeting with your W? Did you cancel?

[180Man]

I did not cancel. I felt for sure she was going to stand me up, but she emailed just a few minutes ago explaining that she couldn't reply earlier in the week due to what her unit was doing. She agreed to the time and asked if I was still willing to go...

I can't bring myself to cancel it. But I'm terrified of [censored] it up. Or being told again that she's done with me. I wish I knew how to handle this. I wish I knew how to talk to my wife still.

[Tryin2figuritout]

180,

None of us have the answers, but we're here for you. You might screw up, but that's human. On being able to talk to your wife remember she's not exactly the same as she's in the fog.

Be strong and we're here for you.

All the best.

[180Man]

Tryin2figuritout,

Thank you, that helped a lot. I am so screwed up today. A week ago I was ready for this meeting and confident. I was going to go in, admit my screw ups, ask her to consider forgiveness at some point in time, forgive her for having had an affair, and then sit and listen.

But when I saw all the text messaging between her and OM in Jan/Feb earlier this week it's like I've been reliving some of the crap I had already gone through. I really thought she was just working on herself and trying to figure things out.

So now I sit here as an emotional wreck with no confidence on the verge of tears because I feel tomorrow will be the last time I ever see this woman. And even though I'm going to stick with my plan and pretend I don't know about the texting, I....I just don't know what the hell to say after I say my part. What are the guidelines and rules? What am I not supposed to say, what can I say?

[LITB]

Nothing you do is going to make it or break it tomorrow. You are gonna have to fake it til you make it.

What are your goals with meeting her tomorrow?

Can you keep your expectations at 0?

Remind me, have you already apologized for your part?

I understand where you are coming from and I respect the difficulty when emotions cloud our clarity. Read the stuff on detachment again. I'll be back.

[180Man]

I have apologized for bits of my part in this (not listening over the years and my porn addiction ruining our sex life), because I didn't quite understand what I understand now: that my depression last year and my self-centeredness must have made her feel alone and unloved. That she entrusted her heart to me and I was supposed to keep it safe and I neglected her and took her for granted. That she had been giving our marriage her all for the longest time and I didn't participate to the level I should have. That she must have felt abandoned when I did not cherish her. That she likely feels like she can't breathe when she's with me but must be feeling free and positive without me suffocating her. I made her feel wrong for too long and, if I'm honest, I was more interested in what I could get from our relationship than what I could give to it.

My goals: Apologize, Ask her to considering forgiveness (but not necessarily on the spot because that's not fair), forgive her for the A, and then listen.

Those are my goals. I am tempted to ask her if she would be willing to spend time with me occasionally, but that's too much, right? Does that fall under having expectations even if I know the answer can be no?

I can try really hard to have no expectations. I'm not good at this, though, so it will be tough. Re-reading the detachment stuff will help.