Spoke to WAW a little bit this morning. She's going to spend the day with her sister because her sisters MIL had a stroke. This is the first time we have had more than a few words all week. I see some pain in her eyes but she also looks at me differently. Like the love is gone. She's clearly avoiding me as much as she can. Can't believe I'm going through this again.
As you know, I'm with you! So, maybe instead of saying you "can't believe you're going through this again"
you can say you "will NOT go through this again".
I mean, if that's how you feel. We do have a choice.
I ache for you and as you can imagine, your story line resonates brutally with me.
Keep posting, it obviously helps.
(( ))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My friends are all telling me the reasons WAW gave me are all BS. They think the contract on the house spooked her and that it meant she would never be living with her mother again. WAW has always been codependeant on her mother and will be moving back in with her in another state. Her mom has always been an issue for us and has always been a source of contention when her mom lived here. Her mom moved away when we reconciled.
I just wish I could reconcile in my mind why this happening, again.
Part of the reason is contained here^^.
I suggest you watch the film "Happy" on netflix as it has data that helps us. We do control our own happiness in the long run. Also I suggest watching the TED talks on positive psychology by Sean Achor or Amy Cuddy, which are only about 20 minutes long. Very interesting.
But longer term,
I just don't know another way of getting through this to the other side, without GAL.
I made a list of things I assumed/hoped h and I would do someday that would make all this crap somehow worth it. The "great future!"
Then I looked at the list and wondered how to grab things off of it that I could do, anyhow. Without h.
Other than having a smaller home, I'm finding that a lot of the list of things I'd really like to do, are still available.
And believe it or not, I know there are things on the list that I can now ADD b/c h's relentless restlessness and obsession with Alaska/ALASKA/ALASKA
would have prevented or hindered it. You are in a slump, which I get. And you are also using the "time machine".
You are mourning the loss of the marriage you hoped to have in the future, (and sometimes seemed to have.)
But there were 2 BD's in 3 years, and now a 3rd one. And with her mom issues and other obvious internal struggles, I'm not sure the great future would have happened with her, anyhow.
The sick feeling in your gut, will pass. You will suddenly say "oh, she's gone and I'm still alive. I did not die. And I'm still a father. I still have a job, food on my table, etc"
Keep posting. And at some point, ACT on the list of GAL you have.
Here is another suggestion or exercise that helps me.
Imagine for a minute that your w had passed away. Just for a minute! You'd grieve of course. You would mourn her. But you would not lie in the fetal position forever, right? Besides your d would want to see what processing grief looks like & still need you.
So imagine for just a few minutes, that enough time had passed for you to get past the grief...and that you were happy. You would no longer factor her into your choices. Remember, in this exercise you are happy, without her.
What would your life look like? Would your job change? Where would you live, any new hobbies, or travel, exercise programs, classes, outdoor activities, what would your life look like without her, and you were happy?
And so, what of those things^^, can you do now?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks so much for your post. It really resonated with me.
I'm trying to force myself to accept that WAW is not a good partner for me.
I've been reading up on Love Addiction and some of the things I've read, I identify with. The Love Addict dating the Avoidant never works and it's all a fantasy.
I've always felt weak when it comes to this board because I see so many people start to find their footing alot quicker than I do. I could never figure out why it seemed like I keep getting stuck while I watch other newbies start to find strength and detach much quicker than me.
I also wondered why it seems that I experience more panic(one of the main symptoms of love addiction) than I do sadness. Just the opposite of most folks here.
I'm going to print out the article I read and give it to my therapist.
Everyone keeps telling me that I will get past this with time. It certainly does not feel like it at all. I feel like I've been stripped of my sense of self as I viewed life through WAW's lense.
Honestly, I'm scared of love addiction. But if in fact, I am addicted, at least I know where to start to fix myself.
That's interesting Thornton and good for you with the reading and the research. I found that when I started to think academically about 'the problem' of my failing marriage, it helped a lot.
From what you post, there has certainly been a dynamic going on in your R thus far - with the looping and your own panic. It sounds like a good idea to discuss something that resonated so much with your therapist.
If you take the path of growth (as you are doing with this) you can only win. If you decided you wanted to give her another chance, you would have grown and the R would re-start in a healthier place. And if not? Well, you are more self-aware, independent and emotionally mature. Those are qualities that are very attractive to some other lucky woman further down the road...
Also, try to drop the comparisons - others seem to...and I don't seem to.. Just focus on steps forward and be kind to yourself. We all get to where we want to be in our own way and in our own time.
Take care Thornton :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Today I'm a little more at ease but I can sense the anxiety just below the surface waiting to show itself.
I vacillate between feeling like I'm going to be alright (after I have experienced the pain of letting go) and feeling like this is the end of the world.
My mind cannot picture being with anyone else but WAW. I know, I need to stay in the here and now and make it through today and not think about my future. But it is really hard.
So, today you're a little more at ease - that's good.
And sometimes you feel you're going to be alright - that's progress
I need to stay in there here and not and make it through today - yes that's all
Some great stuff above...and what you focus on grows
The other thoughts...
I can sense anxiety (ie: like some lurking menace)...just notice that and let it go, or do an activity that helps soothe. Don't fear the fear, just gently lean in.
I feel it's the end of the world - it takes a while to really get perspective, but in the great scheme of things (I'm not minimising how awful it may feel, but in time..)
You don't need to picture being with anyone else - way to early for that..
Just focus on the very short term. Today - over the weekend - I used to find it overwhelming to think ahead, so stick to the here and now..
I think you're making progress Thornton :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Still working out and tonight I'm going out for Happy Hour with a work colleague.
So WAW came home last night after spending the last 3 nights at her sisters house. She actually started talking to me and wished me a goodnight. Wait a second, I thought I was "abusive"? Why is she even talking to at all?
Then this morning on my way out the door she peeked her head out of the bathroom and said to have a good day. Huh?
I really don't know what to think about all of this. I know I shouldn't spend any time trying to decipher what it means and why she is suddenly being nice but it's hard not to wonder.
Perhaps she is trying to keep me as a friend while she moves to another state? I have no interest in being friends.
