Touch and goes can go on and on. It's their way of reminding us that they are out there and we are a connection for them. Yes, even when they think we are the enemy, they have to think that we are right where they left us. Some will continue this throughout the crisis and others hit and miss.
No one can explain to you what your h wants. We can "assume" all day long, but the assumptions are just that. If we could mind read and know what they want...we all would be rich using those skills. Let's face it, he doesn't know what he wants and we sure can't rationalize his thoughts and behavior.
The best thing to do is continue as you have been and leave him in the mlc mode.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Are you okay? This posting is the exact same one that I've already replied to this afternoon. Do you want me to delete it?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Job ... yes sure just delete that one ... Thanks for answering my questions... you are right... no way to know what he wants . Since I don't see him I have no way to figure out whether he is in replay or depression or withdrawal. I don't know if there is someone in his life or not. Whether he is partying or sleeping early... whether what he says of working a lot is true or not... anyway I guess knowing will not be of help either. Me and kids are doing well. As I said they rarely ask about him anymore and I try to avoid the subject.
Sounds like you are doing well The kids do adjust and mine never ask anything about dad I think although strange , they accept this "new" dad as mostly unavailable
Its hard to know what the MLCer is doing and sometimes we may not know for a while if ever Best to continue taking good care of yourself and your kids
we will get more information as time goes on and when we are ready to know more- hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Hi Job ... yes sure just delete that one ... Thanks for answering my questions... you are right... no way to know what he wants . Since I don't see him I have no way to figure out whether he is in replay or depression or withdrawal. I don't know if there is someone in his life or not. Whether he is partying or sleeping early... whether what he says of working a lot is true or not... well, you do know he's not up for being a h or father in any full time way. It's been 3 years and he doesn't bother saying what he does want. My guess is that He's not going to file for D, but he will not do anything to stop you from filing.
What is it you fear about divorcing, given that you are already supporting your kids and you have no mate?
I hope I'm not being too blunt. It's just that I see some similarities in your situation although in my case, h did show interest & called us often. Just from far away.
is this really something you want to keep doing?
anyway I guess knowing will not be of help either. Me and kids are doing well. As I said they rarely ask about him anymore and I try to avoid the subject.
Lana, I deleted the duplicate posting.
I'm delighted to see that the kids are alright. You will be too
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25yearsmlc for your comment I agree it has been 3 years he doesnot want to be a husband or a father. Here is a copy of his last msg when I sent him a msg releasing him from commitment towards me and hoping he still wants to be in his kids life. "
"This is a long one.. there are many things in this which we (you and I) need to work on. I am not ignoring anyone.... I miss my kids and life we once have a lot. I miss the way things were.... and I also recognize how I screwed them up. However, I want to meet and have us talk them out. I want to be a father and hopefully and better husband.l but I got tangled up in the whole money thing badly that I am trying to find the way out of it. And I will very soon"
"In the meanwhile, I do want to meet and talk.... I am arranging the visa and also in the coming week by Monday should be able to see where I will be on a weekend. I cannot stress more that I how much I want to talk about us"
"And I only can appreciate your efforts in the kids and what have you done so far for everyone"
After this I received nothing for a month , then he sent the kids one msg ...how is it going?
One of the things that always pushed my buttons was committing to a date such as Monday and never bringing it up later. Not even apologizing ... I always thought it is a passive aggressive trait and we always had argument on don't give dates a commitment if you don't want to deliver and apologize if you donot.
Anyway I don't know his circumstances but for my own sake it is better to believe he is trying rather than doesnot care. I know this would not solve the issue but as peacetiday said I have to wait and see.
I will not be gaining anything with divorce except the freedom to date which I don't feel yet . Hence I say patience is better than taking a decision to Divorce.
Now I am travelling out soon. He didnot ask me anything about them or details of my flight thinking we might meet . Don't know if I should completely go dark or send him a msg of me traveling on the day and kids are with my mom. About two months ago I did send him a rough idea of my plan but he never asked.
Thanks 25years and peace today for visiting my thread. I am not afraid of Divorce no more , nor I am afraid to live as start again. I might be sad for what could have been but nothing more. I know I will be fine and I know that at the moment he is not yet husband nor father material and I will not settle for crumbs maybe earlier in the journey but not any more.
Last edited by job; 04/17/1705:07 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Hello so here is my latest update... I traveled out and left the kids with my mom . I know a very difficult move but it was needed if I want the kids to come over and have a good summer plan. I started my job a contract for 3-4 months and kids will join me in 4weeks. Looking for an apartment now to fix things before their arrival. On airport I decided to send a msg to H telling him I am on the airport leaving kids with mom for 4weeks. Although I did inform him 2 months ago and he never opened that subject. I didnot expect a reply but decided it is the right thing to do as he is now closer in distance to them than me. Some how my younger msg her father to tell him I left and he started msg back and forth with her. Then Weird enough my younger kid made a big fuss at home looking for something for school which she misplaced, so she went into a panic mode and since I was in the plane my older kid decided to contact her dad and he called her back for 45 min . First call in 8 months with the kids. So when I landed I saw 40 msg between kids and him and one directed to me asking if I reached safely. Somehow maybe me leaving was a good thing. Today they also msg with him expressing how much they loved him and he msg back ... very interesting . Note I have view access and to their msg . Anyway i am happy to see maybe me letting go made him step up ... I guess I should have left long time ago.... I hope he will not disappoint them but it is his relationship with them. His call to make it or break it. This time I will completely stay far from that. I guess learned my lesson . Can't force him to be a father nor I can teach him . He need to figure it out . That is it for the time being ...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
Lana, I have been following your posts and admire your strength and perseverence. I can't imagine how you have been able to do this so long. I think you have it right. The more you handle everything the less he has to do (I'm in the same boat but in a different way). You have a great situation with the kids safe with your mom and him seemingly like he feels the need to step up. The more time you spend thinking and talking to people, the more you want to think about and talk to those people. Perhaps he truly is emasculated by the financial situation and now feels that he finally has something to contribut to the family with your absence?
Hello ownit, thanks for the lovely words. Maybe he is possibly probably... today I read a nice quote " rejection is God protection" and I believe that is very true. I think with all the heart ache I got I was spared something much worse . So what couldnot break me made me stronger. Yesterday while looking into some emails I saw an email I got from H a year ago when I decided to move back with mom and I really wonder If his tone changed or not. He is s very stubborn guy and doesnot show his emotion and would always try to be politically correct. This was a part in an email. But it got stuck with me. I wonder...
"You have always done what you have made up your mind to, and that's a quality you have.
How I live, is very different from how you would want me to live. "
I have seen lots of passive aggressive behaviour in the past. So knowing really his feeling is not easy... it is weird but sometimes rather than feeling good I used to feel partypooper, bossy wife although I don't think I was ( maybe sometimes) . Don't know if that makes sense to anyone.. now 3 years away from him I don't feel that. Maybe we all changed .
Last edited by job; 04/22/1707:12 AM. Reason: Added spacing between paragraphs
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
His statements make a lot of sense to me. He is stating that you've always known what needs to be done and have taken care of things and that's your quality.
His quality of life is far different from yours and, in his mind, he thinks you are expecting him to be the same way, i.e., the way you do things.
Let me ask you this...how are his parents? Were they strict or expected him to do things their way all of the time? Is he projecting on to you the way his parents think and their expectations of how he should be?
People change, but that statement says a lot about him and maybe what transpired as he was growing up. Think about my questions for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
