Hi there. I have never reached out to strangers before, but I feel that I need to at this time in my life. I have known my husband for 10 years,been married 7 almost 8, and now I do not think we will make it to 8. Looking back, things have not been great for a long time. We haven't been intimate in a year. But through it all, there were always kisses and cuddles - I love you's and I miss you's. My husband started a new job last year; i've never been more proud but as time went by, he had less and less time for me. I would bicker with him over wanting him to choose to spend time with me rather that out drinking with his friends. This has been a problem for longer than the new job, but it seemed to be worse and more frequent.
We had an argument 3 weeks ago over something so trivial and now my husband has said to me that our marriage is not working and for him it is over. This came as a complete shock to me. There have been times over the years where I have thought this isn't working but not once did I ever think of leaving my marriage - I thought we were stuck in a rut, I thought we would work through it and he just ended it like that. He has now moved into the spare room. He calls maybe once a day whilst all I do is cry and wait for his call. I have tried talking with him, but the answers I get range from I don't know & I know. He talks candidly about work, but not us; he tells me he loves me and that he is sorry he has hurt me and that he hates to see me so sad - yet he is not doing anything to repair this. I have asked him to come to counselling - but deep down I wonder if it is all too much too late? He has said he will come, but when I have asked "Do you want this to work" he says that he doesn't know and doesn't think that it can work - its like he's avoiding saying that he want's it to work or he doesn't. If he genuinely doesn't want it to work, why offer to come to counselling? He will come and give me a cuddle - holding me tighter than he has held me in years but then leave me to go out with his friends.
It's all so confusing. I want so desperately for him to tell me that our marriage is worth saving, worth fighting for, but it's as if he can't be bothered to make the effort. He said that we could do something one night - I took this as a sign of him maybe trying to make an effort. We got a takeout, a few beers and decided to watch a film. He went to bed at 8.30pm! Tonight he is going out with his friend - they are getting take out, a few beers and going to watch a film - he won't be going to bed at 8.30..... he will be having fun like he used to with me.
I'm so broken; why if someone loves me, is sorry that they hurt me, continuing to act in this way which is causing me so much heartache. I no longer know how to be around him - he can come for a cuddle- it's what I want and long for, yet I do not know whether I can give him a hug as the last time I did he told me that "he wasn't there in that place..." Can this marriage be saved? How do you, when you have lost the connection, lost everything, rebuild? He says that it hasn't been working for a long time - so why did he book a vacation which is due to happen in a few weeks if things weren't working(we booked last August)? If things had been so wrong, why hasn't he looked into how to get separated or divorced - why spring that its over on me with no idea what to do next?
Sorry for rambling - just very hurt, lost and confused and have no idea what to do.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/07/1701:51 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Sorry you are here island. You have given a great description of who your husband is.
Regardless of what is going on with him, you need to give yourself more value. Remain friendly to him, but stop being available. Be more mysterious. GAL. Don't chase him. He will only want to run a way more. When he goes out, you make sure tkmo go out to.
Absolutely no relationship talks. Even if he is cuddling kmor seems to be receiving to it. He needs to have to worry about losing you. He needs to be the one to pursue.
Read up on distancer/pursued relationships and keep you're pride intact.
Sadly it's a game that none of us want to have to play with our long term spouses, but seriously it's the only way to make you valuable in their eyes.
Island, you are not alone. There are lots of us here on line willing to listen, sharing similar stories.
Get the books "Divorce Busting", and/or "Divorce Remedy". What is great about these books is they show how YOU can save your marriage, and feel good about it. He doesn't have to be involved.
Get a life of your own, put some distance between the two of you, and don't be so available to him. Those concepts have helped me immensely.
Post here often, and let us know how it's going.
Good luck.
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Thank you. I feel so alone. I know I'm doing everything that I shouldn't, but I want so much to have my husband back; not this stranger who appears to feel nothing when the tears are rolling down my face.
He seems to be having fun and I see it and remember when he used to smile and joke with me.
I feel like someone looking through a window at a happy family but not being part of it.
I don't understand how my loving husband has turned to be so cruel.
I've just read the list of do's and dont's - I seem to be doing everything I shouldn't be and the worst part is that I know I shouldn't be doing it but I can't stop myself.
I'd chew off my right leg to save my marriage in truth.
I know I need to GAL but for so long my life has been his. If he were to ask me to drop everything because he wants to do something, I would - yet I know I shouldn't.
I hate getting up in the mornings. I dread coming home from work - my dogs are great but it's not like they can have a conversation. I absolutely hate the weekends - not knowing if he'll spend time with me, not knowing if he'll come home. I don't want to go out as when I'm out all I can think about is - we used to go here, I want to share my fun times with him.
This will pass island. You won't always feel this way.
We all recognize these feelings and they are inevitable. The man who once cherished you suddenly does not. When that happens we blame ourselves, we beg, we apologize, we question, we demand. This is all natural.
It's hard to understand that right now they just no longer care. You are no longer on that pedestal. For what ever reason. It might not even be about you.
What will make you feel better and make yourself more attractive to him is to go seek out your own life. Even though you are miserable, get dressed up, call a friend and go anywhere.
We end up looking pathetic and unattractive when we are at their beck and call.
You have no power or control of how he feels or how he will act. But you have control over how you act. Act with pride and dignity and grace.
Thank you. I do appreciate you taking the time to respond. I've just read the going dark- so much harder to put into practice.
We're living in the same house, albeit that he has moved into the spare room.
He'll chat animatedly about his day at work and I listen intently. We still have to talk about bills and payments, even the dogs when what I really want to do is run away.
