WRT to an agreement, I am pretty sure that would not be acceptable to W as a temporary measure. I'll talk to lawyer about this next week, though, and get his take.
I assume that given that you have a daughter, there is some agreement on custody arrangements right now? I assume that you arent deciding where she is sleeping day by day. My point is to get it in writing so that she cant just 'up and take her' as you fear. Same with finances - if youre on a joint cc, then I imagine you are liable for her spending right now even being separated. What are you going o do to protect yourself? If she wont agree to something, then maybe youre right and divorce IS the best option.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
As far as our relationship giving us structure, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying our relationship is PREVENTING structure.
Im sorry, but I still dont understand. Im guessing I wasnt being clear. You said that you need your life to have some structure to it. My question is why do you need to worry about this relationship in order to build a structure? I believe you can get into a clear routine right now based on your GAL. Whether or not your W is involved, I think you can build this for yourself. I agree you cant really make plans for 10 years out right now, but I think you may be able to at least plan out for a few weeks/months at this point.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
Now that I'm here, I have a desperate need to plan my way out of this box I'm in. GAL, etc are a part of that planning, but "finance" and "child care" are the keystones. Nothing I do will be correct if those aren't accounted for.
I agree completely. These are incredibly important pieces to your life puzzle. I also agree that you need to have something documented to protect yourself. In my opinion, this should be doable without actually dissolving the marriage, but if your W wont agree to anything, then it may be necessary to involve the judicial system to get these parameters set.
Originally Posted By: EastTN
I'd just like to be able to have dinner with someone of the opposite sex without feeling like a cheater.
What does being divorced have to do with this? I believe that even if you were legally divorced right this second, that you would still feel like a cheater on some level. I think it was Cadet that told me once that there are two kinds of divorce: the physical one and the emotional one and they have nothing to do with each other. I think you need to be emotionally divorced before youll feel comfortable proceeding in this way.
D is with me during the week (sunday night through friday morning) and with her on the weekend. We've agreed on this, and we started a parenting plan that makes this official (but it's not until the court says it is). I'll talk to the lawyer about something interim. We'll see what happens.
As for finance, I have her on a cash allowance (paid via check that comes directly from the bank, for record keeping purposes). The only open financial liability I have related to her is her phone (data cap or whatever) and I am pushing for that to go away this month.
As for structure... I guess that's a good question. Honestly, I don't know. It just "feels" wrong. It also feels degrading. There's no real relationship at this point. I've pretty much gone dark, and she has too. I dropped D off for her this evening (more on that next post) and she pretty much didn't even acknowledge I was there. I've had more positive interactions with sharks at the aquarium. What's the upside to staying married?
As far as physical/emotional divorce... I'll have to think about that point.
So W was supposed to pick D up at school today (she had a Drs appointment in town and wanted to have dinner with her). Around 5:00 I get a call asking me to pick up D, as her appt is running late, and bring her to W at Dr. I have no problem with this (I'm doing this for D, not W).
She also says she wants to take her to MIL's after dinner. I tell her she needs to be home by 8:00 so she can get ready for bed at 8:30 (even then she'll not be doing her evening reading) and MIL's is a 40m drive away. There's just no way it's going to work. She sounds upset and says she'll just come by house to see D. I don't like this, and it sounds petulant, so I offer to let her keep D overnight and she can take her to school in the morning. She doesn't want to (40m drive). I guess it will interfere with her busy schedule of doing nothing?
When I drop D off, she barely even acknowledges I'm there, not even a simple thank you for bringing her. I try to make at least some pleasant talk ("You two have fun at dinner") etc, but nope, not buying. I don't even care about this for myself, what the heck is D going to think when she sees her parents acting like this?
So, it's weird. W drops off D, right on time (that never seems to happen). They had a good night, which makes me happy. W mentions to D that she needs to use the bathroom, and I invite her in.
W actually makes a little small talk, D seemed happy about that, and I feel better that we're not setting a bad example.
I also noticed W posts crap on facebook from one of those inspirational newsfeed things. I can't help analyzing them when I see them. Tonight's was, "Note to self: you gotta do this for you. This is for you. This isn't about anybody. Live for you. Honor you. Never lose sight of that."
Part of me wonders if W is reading this site, too, since this is basically the core advice everyone here keeps giving.
Hey buddy, my best advice is to stay off her Facebook. You took a look at her post and now you are wondering the meaning. Detach. Facebook is the devil when it comes to DBing.
East, in reading about your concerns about needing structure, I see someone who craves control and struggles greatly without it. I feel this about myself and am trying to work on it, so I don't say to be judgmental. I think my own need for control helped create the problems in my marriage. I wonder if you could let go of that rope a little bit too and get to the place where some uncertainty is ok and that we don't all have the answers to everything. Maybe that would make your GAL a little easier.
The only thing I ever want to control is myself... I usually try to avoid situations where I am in a position to control other people. Probably one of the most hurtful things I heard from W was when things fell apart for the (so far) last time and she called me controlling. That was because I refused to believe her explanations about how she hadn't lied to me (i.e. I was trying to control the conversation).
All things being equal, I'd rather someone else be in charge of things.
